Seeking advice on finding my husband going to porn sites

Alisha - posted on 12/15/2012

Thank you Carla for posting those verses. And you are absolutely right. Every situation is unique. We have to go where God is leading us. My husband has his issues, but he is not degrading or abusive. And for that I am so grateful. He is also a good father and loves his children and provides for us. We may struggle, but he works very hard so that I can stay home with our children. Like you, God has been working in me for years prior to starting to work in my husband. He has brought me so far, yet I am still so far. Lol I just this thread really helps women who are struggling with these issues. And like you said, we need to take our each individual situations to Him, who has a perfect plan for each and every one of us. We need to take the focus off of ourselves (I really struggle with this) and turn it to HIm and His will for us and our lives. I have to give up the god of self daily...and i still struggle. I am 33 and am definitely of the generation you were speaking of earlier in the thread. I am now having to learn now that it is not all about me and pray that I can instill that in my children. Carla, you are a very wise women and God has certainly given you a gift of discernment and also a way with gentle, loving words. The women on here (including me) are very blessed to have you here. Thank you for your time and energy and prayers.

Carla - posted on 12/15/2012

You are right, Alisha, I DO know ;) I Corinthians 7:10-16: And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, let not the wife depart from her husband (this is talking about if a woman become saved, nothing else at this time): But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife (same thing, if you are married to an unsaved wife and become saved). But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now they are holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? Or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?'

I am so glad, Alisha, that you have stood beside your husband. This demon of pornography CAN be defeated! Now there are different cases, as we all know, and if there is abuse or coercion to MAKE you perform acts vile to you, of course separating is necessary. I say separate, not divorce per se. Separation was the best thing for my husband and I, although he DID file for divorce, we didn't go through with it. That was 12 years ago, and we still keep the divorce papers handy, to remind us of God's good grace on us.

IF we are honestly striving to be Christian, ANY difficulty in our marriage HAS to be handled according to the Word. Prayer, fasting, practically living with my nose stuck in my Bible worked miracles, both for my husband AND for me.

God bless, all!

Alisha - posted on 12/14/2012

I have sat here and read all the replies and am a little unsure where to begin. I do not ever post or comment, but I really feel that God has called me to comment here. A little background. I have been married for over 12 years and have three children and one due in February. I have a three year old son and two year old twin girls, and obviously another on the way. My husband and I are both believers and my husband has struggled with a pornography addiction since child hood. I did not know that he had this addiction when we married. I have struggled with this over the years. I have had my own struggles and was in therapy and on medication most of my life until God delivered me from all of my illnesses. I ended up in counseling with my pastor, which for me, was the best thing that ever happened. He is a good, godly man and God has used him to help me immensely, along with a lot of our congregation. I had to learn to forgive my husband. Every time. I stopped checking the history on the computer, because it just upset me. And I stopped asking my husband if he had had an incident. The enemy seemed to only use these time to wedge himself farther in between us. Now, i realize that my husband is a believer, and that Ellen's is not, and it seems that neither is Patricias, so I know that all that I say does not apply to everyone. I just hope that what i write will help someone. I also realize, that my thoughts are scattered, so i hope that one can follow. Basically, my husband has been in this battle his whole life, and i have been in it with him for 10 years or so. My husband is now also seeing our pastor for counseling, not only for pornography, but for alcoholism as well. We just started our own business about 2 1/2 years ago, so life here is crazy. We were married for 8 1/2 years when i found out I was pregnant with my son. I was told that I would not be able to have children, and we were ok with that. We thought we might adopt one day...anyhow. I had to pray long and hard. My first reaction when things get tough is to run. But I made a commitment to God (which you all understand), and often that was the only thing that kept me from checking out. My husband, I knew struggled with the shame and guilt of this addiction, and still does, but he cannot seem to get free from its clutches. I believe he needs to surrender something, maybe needs to be delivered, but i am responsible to my Creator for my reactions and how i respond. God finally had mercy on me a few years ago, and I was able to go to my husband and tell him that I forgave him, then and every time. I did not condone it, but I loved him and was there for him when he needed me. God gave me a peace when I finally surrendered my control of the situation to Him. That is also when I stopped checking in on my husband. The enemy still tried to come and steal my peace about this, but I tell him to flee. However, he is working in other areas of my life to steal my joy and i am sad to say, that i regularly fail and let him. I want to stress to anyone going through this that 96% of christian men struggle with pornography. As so many women have pointed out, it is rampant in our culture and in our christian community. It is devastating to everyone involved. I would feel so hurt and violated by my husbands actions. and i would always worry what my husband was thinking or visualizing when we were intimate. God has really helped me in these areas, and my husband has opened up some and expressed that no matter what, that whatever happens, nothing can compare with me. BTW, i am married to a Mr. Clam It, too. The thing to remember, as many others have stated, IT IS NOT YOU. whoever, you, is. it is a choice that that person is making. It hurts, and harms and makes you feel violated, but it has nothing to do with you. Pornography has been proven to be about control and anger. Not sex. It does not matter how beautiful you are, how often you are with your husband, etc. it is his demons. Or in some cases, the wife's. I would also like to add that my mother has remained married to my father for 35 years. He has since become a "christian", but i use the term loosely, though only God knows his heart. My father is a very broken man, but my mom feels that God has called her to stay with him and love him and care for him. And, he is not very loveable. My grandmother has been married to my grandfather for over 70 years and has prayed for his salvation since the beginning of their marriage. He is a kinder man, but still not a christian. God has His time and His plan. It took me years and years and years to get where I am (a lot left out of story here believe it or not LOL) just as Carla keeps saying. We want now, but now is not always how God works. Change takes time, and it is so, so hard, when you are in the middle of the storm. There are many verses in the Bible, I am sure most of you know, about marriage. How a believing spouse sanctifies the other and the children, how if the unbeliever leaves, fine, but the believer should remain for they know not how God is working. (Sorry, I do not have the references handy, but I bet Carla has them) ;) I would never, ever suggest to stay in an unsafe/abusive relationship, i am just throwing those parts out there. I hope that all who read this, take it with the loving heart intended. I am tired and scatter-brained and I only intend to help. I would also love prayers, as I am in a difficult season of my life. As I mentioned, we have three little children, and another on the way. A new business that takes all of our money and all of my husbands time, and I am having some complications with my pregnancy. My husband is a good man, but as you all know, stress and insecurities and the devil can really do some damage. I also, have been struggling with being a loving, uplifting wife. I just want to crawl under the covers and pull them over my head. well, i guess i will apologize as well for the length and the scattered-ness of this thread, but I hope that it helps.

Carla - posted on 12/14/2012

Thank God, Chrissie! A wise husband listens to, not only his wife's mouth, but to her heart. Have him communicate this to every man he knows--their wives will thank you.

God bless, hon

Chrissie - posted on 12/13/2012

I have had this issue with my husband also, I actually have preteen and teenage children in my home so parental controls on my computers, televisions, etc. have become a way for me to block that filth out of my home. I also told my husband that it makes me feel like I am not good enough for him and that I'm not worth waiting for. This started about 3 years ago and things seem to be much better now.

Carla - posted on 12/12/2012

I do not believe anything was even intimated about withholding sex from our husbands. Paul warns both husband and wives about this, saying we should do this only with consent so we can fast.



That being said, having been a wife, a mother, a full time employee almost all my life, I CAN say that when I am exhausted beyond belief that sex is the last thing on my mind. If my husband could have understood that a little bit of help around the house would have eased my burden so I WASN'T always so exhausted, our private life would have been better.



But, the original posting was about porn, and porn kills a Christian sex life. We are to keep ourselves only for our spouse, and looking at other women, whether 'real' or in a magazine makes us feel inadequate and worthless. Having an unsaved husband that doesn't understand this just makes it worse.



Our prayers should be for these women who have posted, in desperation, looking for comfort and encouragement.



God bless, all

Fit2BMe - posted on 12/12/2012

I've not joined any other discussions on this board, as I realize my opinions here (especially on this topic) are not popular. Having said that, I think it is important for women to recognize that there is a psychological component to pornography addiction. When you are indeed referring to addiction. Many wives/women are addicted to food, romance novels, and the rest. Is it seemingly less harmful to the marriage? Maybe. Tho I personally do not always feel that it is. However sin is sin and addiction is addiction. I do find, in my talks with various women, that women tend to feel sex is something they can hold over their husband's head, and use to control--even if they don't feel that's what they're doing.

I agree with this present poster in many respects. I am a Christian woman who has researched, studied, and listened honestly to many Christian men in an effort to understand this problem rather than just judging it and feeling victimized by it.

Do I feel its ok and healthy for a marriage? No. However I don't feel its something to be demonized and judged harsher either.

I feel for the original poster. She is/was hurting and that's a very real and deep thing. Takin it out of the emotional Rhelm and into the rational Rhelm however, as she stated, her husband is not a Christian. Why would a non-Christian be expected to live by Christian values any more than a non-Muslim be expected to live by Muslim values. This is why many Christians are urged to marry only christians.

I also think we women, in the older generations in particular tho not exclusively, tend to mistakingly feel that being passive and "meek" is the way to go. Meekness and humility does not mean being a victim. Many women sell their husband's lies, unintentionally, by going along with a type of relationship or relationship pattern that they are not actually ok with and later resenting them for it. That is a lie the woman has sold, even if out of the best intentions of her heart. To then suddenly try to be real, honest, and change things.... Well, there is an inevitable adjustment phase there for the husband too.

So it is said: None of this is meant to be hurtful or sound harsh, and certainly isn't directed at the original poster, but rather addressing a general theme.

Carla - posted on 12/12/2012

Okay, so you 'are married in a Christian way'--what does that mean? You say you don't like to quote the Bible--but when you are living a Christian life, the Bible is the CENTER of that life. If we don't quote it and don't live it, are we Christian?



I answered your post out of courtesy, as our administrator has made it a point that men are not to be posting on a woman's forum. You took the words and interpreted them as you saw appropriate--from a man's point of view. I pointed you towards the Bible, as a guide for your marriage, any marriage. I hope you take the words and think on them.



Carla

Cikku - posted on 12/12/2012

Hi so I gotta reply to this one.



First of all, I seriously doubt that just by mentioning Paul, she will make her husband more interested to her, she needs a solutions and not quotes.



I am married in a christian way.



I never stated that porn is normal, I said that it is normal for men to watch it. By normal I do not mean that it is good but I mean that many men watch it without any after effects whatsoever. Also you are not watching porn to see women wash dishes or anything at home so that does not have anything to do with it.



You said that if my wife does not do what I ask, I go back to watch porn. Wrong again. Both should do what they want in that situation but the same goes for a woman that does not want to do it just because she is not in the mood or wants to watch tv or whatever. That is not an excuse and should never be as because how porn is addictive (your words), excuses are too addictive. Also the husband should come first and foremost if he respects her wife the most.



Be careful were you thread when you say that he should help his wife if he wants sex. Sex is not and never should be a reward based system. Sex is when two wanting adults engage together with love (hopefully married). If you put that as a reward based system, you will end up having the husband only help when he wants sex which is a very bad thing.



At any rate, I already said that he should help around the house and the house work should be proportional to the outside home work hours of both. Both me and my wife work and approximately the same hours so we do about half and half. Sometimes I more and sometimes she more. If she or he work less outside home, they get more home work, pretty fair I think.



I do not like to quote religions and bibles and so on as I believe that those holy books have far better places to be mentioned than in arguments but I believe even christian women have a duty towards their husbands and that is and i am quoting here as you did "you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the church obeys Christ." Is that fair for women? I think not. As I said, quotes can go both ways.

Carla - posted on 12/12/2012

Cikku--porn, by it's very nature, is 'different' than the normal sex act of a 'normal' couple. You've got this absolutely perfect looking woman, both face and body, flaunting herself on the screen. She is there for her man's every beck and whim 24/7. So you (and I use the pronoun you as men in general) see these gorgeous women in very little doing things that make a normal woman sick to her stomach. Your wife (and I use wife because this IS a Christian forum) is repulsed at the thought of some of the acts requested. Wifey is turned off. So, then, you're frustrated, and head for the porn site again. Vicious circle. Porn is an addiction, just as drugs or alcohol. An alcoholic doesn't start out an alcoholic, and a porn addict doesn't start out watching snuff porn. A human's brain quickly gets accustomed to a certain level of excitement, and once that excitement has worn off, you have to up the ante and watch something just a little more daring.



Women are emotionally driven, men are physically driven. She is thinking 'for Heaven's sake, I am a wife, a mother, an employee, the house is trashed and you want SEX? Women CAN'T just turn off their brains when the kids are pounding on the door and you smell dinner burning.



Paul (the author of most of the New Testament) tells us to 'possess our vessel with honor'. He himself was celibate and did it successfully. This tells me a man CAN contain himself! If there isn't time for sex now--GO TAKE A COLD SHOWER! Talk to the Lord! He made sex as a reward, a glue, if you will, for a married couple. It's supposed to bring enjoyment to BOTH, NOT just the man!



Dr James Dobson, from Focus on the Family, once made a statement that 'sometimes the sexiest thing a man can do is wash a dish or change a diaper'. You want sex? Help your wife! Get that kitchen cleaned up, give the kids a bath, take the trash out, pick up after yourself! NOTHING turns a woman off more than having her husband follow her around like a dog in heat while she's trying to do dishes, laundry, clear a path through the house, help the kids with their homework, get clothes around for tomorrow, and the list goes on and on! Use your heads, men!



Back to porn--do you see these actresses washing dishes? Do they have a child on their hip and one tugging at her skirts? Of course not, that's not sexy. But it IS life, REAL life. Porn is a fantasy, and causes so much harm to a marriage! So, my advice to men is--watch your wife's activities for 24 hours--I bet you'll be exhausted just watching her! Now put yourself in her place--can you have a loving relationship when you are so tired you want to cry all the time? Dig in and give her a hand. (a) it will tire you out a bit so your urges will dim a little and (b) Wifey will be so grateful, SHE might even initiate sex--win-win and (c) your children will see what a husband is actually supposed to be doing in a marriage.



Christian men have a duty, and if they take the time to read Paul and Peter's words in the New Testament they will find they have been shirking their responsibilities for a LONG time. A Christian man is responsible to God for his wife's emotional, physical and spiritual well-being, and if he is not attending to her needs, HIS relationship with the Lord is harmed. He is to learn about his wife and give her the help she needs, even if he thinks she's being silly. He married her, he now has to take care of her. He is to work hard til he drops dead to make his family Godly and successful.



Now, after he has done all this, I can just about guarantee Wifey is going to be more able to have loving, rewarding sex life.



God bless, thanks for posting your opinion.

Cikku - posted on 12/12/2012

I do not know if this advice is Christian or not but I know it is from a man.



First of all, men see porn as girls working and having fun, nothing more and nothing less. Porn related to women crying and/or tortured are wrong and who watches them is wrong in his head.



Now men NEED sex. Pleasure is good and all but men once again NEED sex or else they go crazy. Not crazy like a mental hospital but crazy like cannot sleep or cannot concentrate, even strong headaches eventually.



If he stopped coming for you at sex, it is because one of the below reasons:



1) He is not attracted to you physically anymore but from your story it seems this is not the case



2) He is angry with you for something which could be or could be not from your story



3) He has another woman which I doubt it since he is watching porn



4) You tend to make it hard for him to have sex with you or he got fed up of always be at your whim in order for him to relieve himself which is a pretty serious problem and will eventually lead to adultery



5) He just like to watch porn while he loves you at the same time but since this thing begun recently, I doubt this is the case



I will give you an answer that is both Christian and not christian, do not be so hard to get and give him more than he asks for during sex time. You are his wife after all.



BTW the computer did not create a monster. Only humans create monsters.

Patricia - posted on 10/08/2012

Thank you Carla you are so riht i will take your words of wisdom and use them everyday

Patricia - posted on 10/08/2012

Fit2bme these ladies have been honest and helpful and caring and espically loving to there partners an as i do go out of the way to try and keep there man happy as i do so please understand the hurt and anguish and confusion after trying everything to make there marriage work and the partners don't seem to care my husband is the sleezy which took me a while to realise i loved him and trusted him so much and it is not just porn issues and had it thrown back in my face it is not just me he hurts but worst of all his kids and deems it ok to teach his kids that men do it because it is normaal so he has my 11 year old son thinking ignoring his kids and wife not wanting to be with his wife because other women and porn and his quote far more important than coming home to his kids and wife he was having to much fun

Fit2BMe - posted on 10/08/2012

I acknowledged that this was a late response. Was spoken in truth, not meant to be a thump. How does one speak a truth without it being perceived as a thump then? I think Jesus gave responses like this many times, though I would not want to compare myself to Christ as I will always come up short.

Sorry for any hurt anyone felt with this. I read my response before sending to be sure it wasn't something that I myself would be hurt by. I recognize that we all perceive thins differently though. Perhaps this isn't the board for me.

Carla - posted on 10/08/2012

Fit2BMe--I would strongly advise you read all the posts before answering a person. Ellen has given more insight into their lives, and she DID have sex with him. Their relationship has gotten better.



Our community is powered by RESPECT, not THUMPS. I ask that we answer respectfully, lovingly, as Jesus would.



Thank you for your cooperation



Carla Allaire

Co-Moderator

Fit2BMe - posted on 10/08/2012

I get that this is an old post, however was reading it today and felt compelled to respond.



The hurt and shame your husband must have been feeling makes me feel terrible for him, and yet here you focus on your own hurt only, and don't seem to acknowledge how unloving, unsupportivem, and selfish you have acted.



Your husband lost his job. That is a HUGE blow to a man's self-esteem as a provider for his family. Especially in these times when financial strain is such a stressor. Instead of comforting him, encouraging him, and supporting him, reassuring him his importance in the family is not just based on bread winning, you get angry?! And then when you ask for forgiveness, its God you talk to. Did you humbly confess to your husband how wrong you were and ask HIM for forgiveness?



Then to deny him sex, which for most men is a love language so equates to you denying him love, on top of that. This is the worst time to do that to a man, and its focused on Your feelings and not at all on his. The partnership already in this marriage is clearly gone.



So you catch him with pornography. No surprises there. MANY Christian men struggle with this also, and its not a reflection of the wives, its a struggle, an honest struggle. The sad truth is, sin hurts people around us, your sin likely deeply hurt him and his son has now deeply hurt you. Neither one is in a position of judgement and condemnation.



For you to suggest your non-Christian husband talk to your pastor about this problem does not make sense. Why would he, a man without faith, go to a man of faith, to talk about something he probably doesn't fully understand himself, when he is likely just expecting more judgement in that situation. What he needs is his loving wife.



So you write him a letter and ask why he didn't come to you for sex instead, he then does just that, and it sounds like you might have rejected him again?!



Here is my suggestion.... Talk honestly and lovingly to your husband. Humble yourself greatly first. Confess and apologize to him for how unloving you have been on your side (remember the scriptural description of what love really is--which includes not easily angered) and think how you would want him to respond to you f you lost your job (not likely with being rejected by him and having him be angry at you). Do not expect anything in return, don't ask for his apology, let that come. Instead, start to earn his trust back and pray things on his side follow. This whole process will take a lot of prayer as its likely that as a woman who still feels hurt and angry, the first step of recognizing your own need to humble yourself and confess is going to be the hardest.

Carla - posted on 10/08/2012

Remember, Patricia, that it takes a while for an idea to become a habit. Keep teaching your son, keep reenforcing your words, and soon it will become habitual thinking.



Remember also that it takes us a lifetime to understand the perfection of God and attain it. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, as you have learned ;) Keep telling yourself 'train up your child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will depart.' Be gentle when you reprove him, and praise him highly when he does something that backs up what you're trying to teach him. I know sometimes we want to tear our hair out trying to get a concept across to our little ones, but I keep remembering how long it took me to get what God was trying to tell me before I finally got it. Everything about life is a learning process.



God bless, sweetheart

Patricia - posted on 10/08/2012

i know god does Carla thank you to all you wonderful ladies for the help and support and reminding me which is a great help that god is with us to help everyday

Patricia - posted on 10/07/2012

Thanks Carla i appreciate your kind words i am sure he will some days i think i have got through to my 11 year old son and other days i don't but i am still trying and will continue to

Carla - posted on 10/07/2012

And God honors your efforts, Patricia. May He give you strength and the words to make your children understand.



God bless, hon

Patricia - posted on 10/07/2012

i try to teach my boys and girls afraid hubby is no help there but i still keep trying

Carla - posted on 10/07/2012

Praying for you, Belinda, as well. My strongest prayer is that the Church wake up and start teaching, from childhood on up, how to treat your spouse, husband OR wife. I see so many women disrespect their husbands and take away their pride. May God give us wisdom.



God bless, hon

Belinda - posted on 10/06/2012

I feel for you lovely ladie how with your faith in the lord jesus is so strong ,i wished i had your strength , my marriage is in a low , at this time of my 19 years married ,i also trust jesus ,with my life ,he never lets me down, but our husbands do .they promise to love us ,but they dont, when we marry ,before god we make a vow to our husband /or wife. but we make this to god .so need to say jesus i dont want to break my promise to you because i love you ,and you love me ,but as wives our heart breaks. keep strong in jesus ,lovely ladie ,and let jesus tell your husband ,forget the bad web sites , and go back to your wife ,who you married . from your sister in christ jesus. belinda ,i see you in heaven one day ,because i just like you ,iam saved by the cross of jesus keep looking to the cross..and what jesus did for us .keep looking to your salvation keep just loveing your husband with your heart not your head. god looks at our heart. he doesnt look at our actions but our heart. love bel .j,

Stacy - posted on 10/03/2012

Thanks CarlaIreally apprecite thesupport and helpfulness! I hope all women can get htrough with the same problems

Carla - posted on 10/03/2012

Somewhere back at the beginning of this thread I told you my darling son, an amazing Christian man, has battled this for years. He admitted it to me, privately, and we have prayed for him for quite a few years. He was sitting in a mens Bible study the other day when a man there confessed he was having an awful time with porn. Rod was able to tell this man he wasn't alone. I think it shocked the guy. A Christian struggling with porn? But, like Stacy says, men are highly visual beings.



Stacy, if your husband is a Christian, have him go talk to his pastor. God gave men their sexual urges, so He also has a Plan to keep them pure. Offer to pray with him together. Sometimes when it's out in the open, it loses some of the shame they feel.



We don't have all the answers, but our God does. There is absolutely NO way you can face what the world has to lure us with without Him!



God bless, honey

Stacy - posted on 10/03/2012

I wil pray for you also thatthis behaviors stops and you husband to acknowledge his wrongs and how it has effected your family. I do hope that this situation gets better. Writing to you I had iton my mind so i confronted mine again and told him that he has hurt me in doing so and asked him why he doesnt want to have intercourse with me and I finally got the truth fromhim. I dont know if it wouldbe the truth for you also but he said that he masturbated too much and whe time came for our sexualyrelationship he just couldnt do it.Which made me more up set, but at the same time I am really thankful that he toldme the truth and that he understand that it does really upset me, its nota finished deal but may be one step forward, and hope and pray for youthat this becomes better. Its really bad that it is affecting your marraige so much. Does he really know the extent or does he not want to know. I still just cantcomprehend how they think that porn is ok when its ruining an actual loving relationship that he helpsbuild for yrs?! All I can say is "Men..." lol

Ellen - posted on 10/03/2012

Thank you Heather. I do KNOW that God is the God of the impossible, and he can open my husbands eyes and heart to HIM, and to see that this has done major damage to our marriage and our lives, not to mention our children. This was not a good role model marriage for our children and I know it has also effected the way they live their lives.

Thanks again. I appreciate ALL prayers.

God Bless.

Heather - posted on 10/02/2012

Well, Ellen... I'm so sorry that I don't have any amazing suggestions to offer, etc... I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Please know that I'll continue praying for you.



I don't know if this offers any hope or not, but I really do believe that SOMEWHERE, your husband does know and acknowledge that this behavior is wrong (whether he's saved or not)... but it may be that (right now anyway) that place is just buried so deep and he's denied it so long that he can't feel it right now. If you lie to yourself long enough to assuage your own guilt, eventually you are bound to start believing the lie. I will pray not just for you, but that his eyes will be opened to the damage he is causing to himself, you, and your relationship. Believer or not, God has ultimate power to open the eyes and heart of even the most stubborn, pig-headed of men!! ;) I will pray that this will be the case for you.



God bless.

Ellen - posted on 10/02/2012

OH, Stacy, I'm sorry. It is soooo frustrating. The betrayal is what really upsets me. And then my husband lies and says that he hasn't done it and he doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

Well, sorry, but it is wrong in my book. That is why I have been having such a hard time with this.

After being married to this man for 32 years, and him to start this, its is so disheartening.

I pray that your situation will improve.

God bless.

Stacy - posted on 10/02/2012

porn is very addicting to men, my husband once said men need a visualization of things to get going per say. I do not like this at all. We battle this. When we had our marraige cons. he said that marraige is between you God and your spouse. Afterwards we discussed and we both vowed that this will be it and he couldnt see any pictures of women, porn nothing. I was soo happythat he decide3d this and like 2 wks after that he went behind my back and got a dvd. not even amonth! I truthfully dontknow how to fix this. I have found several magazines and dvds stashed at different time periods and I threw them away. he was soo mad at me saying I cant bother his belongings.So the next time it happened I pulled them out and said I want to throw these away and he said no. I prayed and hoped that as I handed them to him he would do as I wated but the next week I found them. In that aspectof him he has lost all my trust, He lied to meoff the bat before we got married and now its a vicious cycle. I found some recently and he hasnt confronted me about them yet, im waiting. Im just soo sick of it. I mean if he wants to me sexual why not with me? Im in the same boat Iwish I could help. I am achristian and my husband is also, religion or not men can get affected by this. I think they are going to have to find a will within themselves to quit. you are not qrong to feel the way youdo, I feel it to. Just pray and pray and communicate with him everytime you think about it, maybe he'll start to see howmuch it has effected you

Ellen - posted on 09/18/2012

Once again, thank you Carla.

God bless.

Carla - posted on 09/18/2012

Melissa--you are new to our community, and we are different than most. On our topic page you will see 'community guidelines'. We try very carefully to treat each other with dignity, compassion and respect. Unless you have read all 243 posts here, you don't truly have a handle on what Ellen has posted over the months. Your statement:



' Make it right with him. Do the right thing. Stop blaming him. It takes two in a marriage.'



Please, prayerfully consider what you post. The ladies that have bared their souls here need our prayers and love, not recriminations.



Thank you

Carla Allaire

Co-Moderator

Melissa - posted on 09/18/2012

Yea it is df something that makes him feel better. My point, men are very sensitive in the fact of losing their jobs. They take pride in providing for their families. When her husband lost her job, she got angry at him and then it sounded like she was withholding from him. He needed an outlet to which she did not provide. He's not going to turn to God, for obvious reasons of not being saved. So it sounds like he turned to something else when He couldn't turn to his wife. When she confronted him, he did come to her for sex. It sounds like a man who wants to please his wife, but is hurt also. Before anyone crucifiesthe husband and tells the wife to leave, I think she needs to let her husband know that she loves him and that she is available to him also. As with any addiction, it's hard to quit, but it's easier when the person knows they are loved. It could be what saves his soul.

Angela - posted on 09/18/2012

Katie, the fact remains that making love with a porn addict seriously makes you wonder what he would prefer! I used to feel that I would be used because one can "get too much of a good thing" (the porn) and he would enjoy and appreciate the porn more if sometimes he just "made do" with his regular female partner - the wife - once in a while!



You appreciate a great steak dinner a lot more if you've had a few cheap, poor quality burgers in-between times.



That's why I'm personally inclined to feel that men who use porn AREN'T necessarily likely to be unfaithful with another woman. The fact is, any REAL human being that you relate to on a sexual level would expect you to make at effort in some way! In front of a screen, you don't have to consider your partner's pleasure, you don't have to be warm-hearted and communicative, you don't have to make interesting, intelligent or amusing conversation. Heck! You don't even have to get washed! A real living human partner is often too much effort and hard work for the porn addict.

Katie - posted on 09/18/2012

i dont feel ing sex with him more often will help. It is just rewarding him for doing somthing he shouldnt. He hurts your feelings and you give into him to try to make it better. I feel it is cheating as well and it may come down to saying stop doing it or were getting a divorce.

Angela - posted on 09/18/2012

Melissa, I wouldn't call using porn a "pride booster" - possibly a comfort habit though!



For those who are addicted, it's something that brightens their lives that doesn't really require any personal effort! And I'm glad you said it's free - there is so much free porn on the Internet that the kind that has to be paid for is often the "hardcore" or illegal stuff. This means that the typical, mainstream Internet porn addict will think to himself/herself - "this is FREE!! It comforts and amuses me, I don't really have to 'try' - so where's the harm?" It becomes the kind of habit associated with self-serving, indulgent, idleness - whilst at the same time the addict believes themselves to be so much better than the Internet gambler (or even just the conventional gambler), the drinker, the drug-user etc .... Because a great deal of the time (if not ALL of the time), the porn addict isn't taking money from the family budget to satisfy his/her cravings. So they can indulge in their habit with an easy conscience, they really can't understand why their wives & partners object. The guy next door is a gambler, somebody else is an alcoholic - or at least a heavy drinker, yet another may be morbidly obese and addicted to junk food! Next to all these people he is glowing with virtue!



And that's why it's a real issue. The addict himself (or herself) doesn't see that there's a problem. The rest of the time they might go about their lives in a normal, regular way and think about when they're going to treat themselves to a 30 minute session of gazing at porn. Maybe when the kids are at school and the wife is at work or out somewhere - they'll fit in their little treat and get excited thinking about it.



That's my take on it anyway. Feel free to correct me if you know better - I don't claim to know the answers, I'm only giving a personal insight!

Melissa - posted on 09/18/2012

You are not alone. I have done some research and would you believe that women are more addicted to internet porn than men? Okay, I know that doesn't help you right now. Why do men and women choose porn? It's easy. It's fantasy. It's free. They do not have to put any "work" into it. The problem? It's a sin, and it hurts those you love. Another problem arising from it is it's like a drug, you need more and more.



I will say that internet porn in of itself is NOT a reason to leave your husband after all of these years. Neither is it a "sign" he is going to bed with someone else. This is a real struggle with a lot of Christian people and, as you say, he doesn't go to church and is not saved. Do you want him to be? Instead of berating him with it, or pushing him to talk to your Pastor(you can suggest it), spend some time with him. Cook a nice dinner for him, spruce up the bedroom and yourself, and treat him. Let him know that you love him and that he is all YOU need too.



He just lost his job, you stopped having sex with him because you were angry with him. That sounds like he needed a pride booster, which to him was turning to internet porn since he couldn't turn to you what he needed. Make it right with him. Do the right thing. Stop blaming him. It takes two in a marriage.

Carla - posted on 09/18/2012

You're welcome, Ellen. Sometimes just knowing we aren't the only one going through the mill makes us feel better. To KNOW you will come out the other side of this better than you went in is encouraging, as well. But I have come to understand we will go through this purifying fire until we are worthy of being with Jesus, and that is the driving force behind me getting up every morning.



Father, protect Ellen and her community today. The weather is getting worse, and we know this is yet another sign of the End Times. But, we ask traveling mercies for her, and safety for her family and home. We pray for her friends and extended family and those that don't know you, that You will show Your mighty arm of protection. Give Ellen peace and that deep abiding faith, I like to call it wild, crazy faith, so we can shine our light for You to the world. Amen.

Ellen - posted on 09/18/2012

P.S. BUt yes, I know that God is with me, NO MATTER what the situation. I just have to keep reminding myself of this 24/7.

Ellen - posted on 09/18/2012

Carla, you truly are amazing. You put into words my thoughts. God has truly blessed you. Thank you so much for your words, and yes, I do feel just like you. And I keep thinking, I can't take it anymore. I know, I just want Jesus to come again, and I want out of here!!!!

This world is getting worse and worse and it's JUST the beginning. There is much worse to come. The bible tells us this. Scarey, isn't it?

Ok, I have to get to work. It's pouring here, and there is always a possibility of a flood where I live. So please keep that in prayer.

God bless.

Carla - posted on 09/17/2012

Ellen, baby, here is I Corinthians 10:13: 'There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is Faithful (!), Who will not suffer (or allow) you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way of escape, that ye may be able to hear it.' This is your decision: Do I keep pluggin' along in the midst of this nightmare? Have I learned the lesson of this trial? Have I stood strong long enough? Or do I say 'Lord, I can't take anymore, give me the way of escape so I CAN bear it?'



Trials ARE temptations, in a way. DO I trust God to pull our family through this? Is He just picking on me? Have I done something wrong to deserve this? These are the questions running through our minds when we hit these brick walls. I can't bang my head on the wall hard enough to make it fall down, it's too high to climb over, and it's too long to walk around. I understand your situation, Ellen. I went through it with Mark (porn was just a small part of it, just like your situation) for 20 years. Many times I said 'God, I just can't take this anymore'. But He thought I could. My standing, sometimes not too tall, but I stood, brought Mark back to the Lord. I face another wall with my family, and THIS one I have been banging my head against since I was about 3. I pray and pray, and cry and pray, and it only seems to get worse. My mother lives about 10 steps out my back door, so I NEVER get any break from the onslaught of visions of the past, and the realities of the present. Mother isn't going to move, she's got it too good here. I cry, scream, pray and they get worse. So, it seems, I go through this continuing cycle of 'God, I can't bear it any more!' to reluctant acceptance, then the scales slowly slide down to 'I can't take it anymore!' But, like King David, I know my Redeemer liveth, and He will bring me through this, somehow. Am I going through this gracefully? Not really. There are situations and people that try the very soul of a body. Right now about all I CAN say is God will be with me, and either resolve the situation, or give me the grace to face each day.



The Christian life is always a learning process. There are situations where you think 'what on EARTH could I possibly learn from all this heartache?' And I can quite frankly tell you I haven't got a clue on mine ;) I guess I'm learning patience and how to resist the urge to do genocide ;) So maybe the Lord gave me that verse for us both--you pray for your way of escape, if you are confident you have learned what you can from this, and I'll pray for mine, and we'll pray for each other.



Sorry this hasn't been as uplifting and encouraging as it might have been, but sometimes these are the realities we face. That Jesus is with me, I am absolutely sure. That is MORE than enough! Oh, and yes, 50 is just about the time the mid-life crisis hits. That Zenovia is praying and compassionate about her soon-to-be-ex-husband shows us the marvelous love Jesus brings us! May we all face our struggles with her mindset.



God bless, all!

Ellen - posted on 09/16/2012

I am so sorry to hear about your splitting up, Zenovia. Is it the 50ish thing???? I honestly believe that it is. My husband is NOT saved, doesn't know the Lord, and has never wanted to go to church or back me up in raising our children. He was a good provider till he lost his job, then everything kinda fell apart. I have stayed all these years, because I know ALL the passages about marriage in the bible. My mother has always thought I should stay, even though the support wasn't there for the kids growing up, which didn't help, because you can put the rules to the kids till they reach a certain age, then they are going to get wise and realize that Dad doesn't back up MOm in discipline, so they feel they can do whatever they want. Dad won't do anything, and Mom is a Christian, so she is defeated in this. A house divided can not stand. How true. But the vows were "for better, for worse", and my mother has always thought I should stay. So our oldest son is way out there.

I'm not totally blaming my husband for that, because I Over-compensated on my end, because my husband wouldn't back me up. So the kids will take Dads side in this issue no matter what, because I was the "wicked ***** who made them do this, or that". I was always the one who said no. blah blah blah.

I am at another really low point tonight. I just got back from our ladies meeting at my church, and those prayer warriors gathered around me and really prayed for me.

But it still didn't answer my question that I have been begging God to answer for me. Do I leave???? Right now, I want to leave so bad, it's not funny. But I don't have anywhere to go, and I don't make much money at this job. Definately not enough to live on my own. As I said, the kids are going to side with their father.

I was a stay at home Mom for years, and have no formal training in the job market.

I just wish God would give me a clear cut answer. I have been so asking for this for so long, and I am getting so weary.

And the worst of it is, he is oblivious to any of it. He just goes along like nothing is wrong. He literally just acts like there is nothing wrong.

I am just so tired.

It's so frustrating.

Sorry this is so long, guys, and thank you for letting me vent, once again. I covet your prayers.



Thank you all, and God bless.

Patricia - posted on 09/16/2012

You did the right thing Zenovia i am here as the other ladies are if you just need support or a chat my name is Patricia

Angela - posted on 09/16/2012

Zenovia, I know what you mean. As angry as I still feel from time to time about my ex-husband, I still felt desperately sorry for him - he died about 3 years ago - which was roughly 20 years after we split up. I hope the financial hardship eases up.



Carla, you made an interesting point in your post - you said "In the States, if a man has been the support during the marriage, he must continue providing ..." I wonder if the situation is somehow similar in the UK? I'm British, so was my ex and I never got a penny from him. But he was never "the support during the marriage" we lived off welfare benefits, he was unemployed the full 8 or so years we were together. When we'd been split a while he DID get work for a year or 2 then stopped due to health. The UK benefits agency says that anyone on a health-related benefit doesn't have to pay support to children - they're exempt, although claimants of ordinary unemployment money must make a token payment of about £2.20p per week per child. He inherited a lot of money a bit further down the line. No use crying over now though!



We didn't split over his sustained interest in porn, it was so many other things. He'd lock himself in the front parlour and watch it. He'd also lock himself in the front parlour when he wasn't watching it. He isolated himself from me & our children. Guests were invited into his front parlour and me & the kids weren't ever welcome as part of the gathering. There was a coldness, an emotional distance which was always evident whether he was dabbling with his porn or not. This was long before the days of the Internet. The porn problem only became a real issue when he was on the mailing list of every UK porn dealer (after we'd split) and they'd send catalogues to the house for a long time after he moved out - I already lived elsewhere. My parents owned that house and my mother was offended by it.

Zenovia - posted on 09/16/2012

Thank you all and I know I did all I could in the marriage. I am holding to my faith and trusting in God and He is sustaining me. Financially my husband must support us but I must wait until the legal system runs its course. He is also hiding assets from me and claiming I am making tons of money at my part time minimum wage job. I stayed home supported his ministry and raised our children. Really in all honesty I do get hurt and angry but my husband really is an insecure hurting soul who is very lost right now and could not see the love around him. He has been led astray by money and greed and has started drinking and now does to excess. When I remember this I can have compassion and forgiveness in my view. I am not perfect nor a saint but his suffering is in many ways worse than mine. I have emotional and spiritual support. He has nothing but fly by night business associates. Enough said.

Carla - posted on 09/16/2012

So sorry, Zenovia. This happens more than you would imagine. We can only pray that God get ahold of his mind and heart and get his relationship with Him straightened out before it's too late. As for you, like Angela said, he's the one who left you, you are free, only in the Lord. Make sure this time you get someone grounded in the faith.



What are the laws regarding divorce where you're from? In the States, if a man has been the support during the marriage, he must continue providing, sometimes forever, sometimes until the wife can find work that will support her. If your children are still minors, he pays child support. I find it unthinkable that a Christian man walks out on his family and doesn't think he has an obligation to support them. I Timothy 5:8: 'But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel!' IF he has the gall to walk out after 20 years and leave you high and dry, YOU need to hold is feet to the fire and make sure he pays for the household. He's going to find out this isn't the picnic he thought is was going to be.



God bless, honey, this isn't easy for you, but we're praying for you.

Angela - posted on 09/16/2012

Zenovia, you did the right thing. The peace of mind that comes with having pruned the rubbish from your life is marvellous. Yes, I know it was him that left you and not the other way round, but this is even better - no-one can accuse you of not giving the marriage your best shot!



Good luck for the future Zenovia, may you prosper and grow!

Zenovia - posted on 09/16/2012

I took my vows seriously. Married 20 years to the son of a Priest who became a Deacon (Orthodox Church so he was ordained clergy). He was not a talkeR. He turned 50 and only God knows what happened. He left Church, moved out and now is divorcing me. He now refuses to pay any support and I have no way right now to keep going. Pray for your husband, pray for yourself pray for healing but move on. This will not change as long as you are willing to live like this. This is your future unless you take action. God helps those who help themselves and bibilically you can divorce over adultery. In spite of my current financial difficulties I cannot believe how much better my life is now that. I am not constrained by my vows and making something work that was unworkable.

Ellen - posted on 09/13/2012

AMEN, Carla. Thanks again.

We do have the victory!

God bless.

Carla - posted on 09/13/2012

And I am praying for you both. You girls (and please don't be offended, you are like my girls ;)) are on the right track. You are praying and trusting the Lord to undertake for your situations, and I believe it is working! The hackers we have had lately trying to tear up our community tells me Satan is VERY angry that prayer is being applied to situations HE thinks he has control over! So, my dears, look up! The Holy Spirit is working here, and you WILL have the desires of your heart, as long as you don't give up!



We win! That is the Good News Jesus brings! He said 'Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world'. So wipe your eyes, put a smile on your face and walk like the victory is already here. Psalm 30:5 says ' in His favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning!' Morning is coming! I can feel breakthrough. Keep walking, keep looking to Jesus.



God bless, darlings!