Sex after Baby

Gabrielle - posted on 02/02/2009

You're welcome ladies! My hubby will back home tomorrow (Monday) and starting day shift... he typically works nights!! Again, you all in my prayers, take care!! ~Gabby

Amanda - posted on 02/01/2009

Thanks so much Gabrielle =)

My hubby is home on Thursday for the week so I think its time for me to make a change!

Chivaun - posted on 02/01/2009

I'm happy knowing that somebody else is praying about this situation with me. I know my body is my husband's and his mine, and I am thanking God in advance for bringing the intimacy back.

Gabrielle - posted on 02/01/2009

Thank you Donna for sharing your story and your wisdom, it was greatly appreciated and so sensitive to the nature of the subject. It felt like I was listening to my mother (whom I dearly miss, wonderful relationship we had) talk to me and explain things in an open minded fashion guided by Christ. Thank you for the website, I look forward to visiting the site to gain more insight to better improve my intimate relationship with my husband. Also, Michelle, I had heard such great things about the book you were speaking of by Stormie Omartian, I went to pick up a copy this afternoon and look forward to reading it! Just wanted to let you know Amanda you're in my thoughts and you have another prayer warrior lifting your situation up. Chivaun, you're in my thoughts as well, I pray that your sexual relationship with your husband improves... it is such a key role and meant for good between a married couple. I hope the best for you! Take care sisters in Christ....

Donna - posted on 02/01/2009

Hi girls...thanks for sharing your stories. I have enjoyed reading and I thought I would add some thoughts... I am well into my 40's now and have been on both sides of frustration! My husband and I will be married 25 years this summer. I think I will have some questions for God when I get to heaven because it seems like our peak times just aren't always in sync! Now that the kids are older and I am not exhausted all the time, HE's tired and in pain alot of the time because of his work. So, to share some wisdom that I got in my times of crying out to God of what to do...He basically told me if it was romance that I was needing, that I needed to make time and set the tone i.e. candles, music, massage (which I find really helps him to get into the mood). Also, I found a really good christian web site that talks very frankly about sex www.themarriagebed.com. It has some great articles and helps to give you ideas to put some spark back into the bedroom. My DH needs to know that I find him desirable and he likes it when I initiate which was one of the issues that came up in our marriage. For a long time I had this idea that it was his job to start things up and I would feel insecure and unattractive if he didn't. Here is a verse that came to mind..James 1:5 If any of you needs wisdom to know what you should do, you should ask God, and he will give it to you. God is generous to everyone and doesn't find fault with them.

God bless you!

Michelle - posted on 01/31/2009

I've noticed with myself that if I'm upset with my husband about something I can't be affectionate with him.  Like if he has come home the day before and was griping at me b/c he had a bad day and then the next day he comes home and is actually "in the mood" (which doesn't happen often....lol) I don't want to be around him b/c of his behavior the day before.  Also I've noticed with myself that I am more physically attracted to him when he helps me with things around the house or just does considerate things.  Like to give me a break he took all the kids with him to the grocery store, or he fed the kids breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen.  Just little things like that can go a long way so maybe those are some things you could mention to your spouse.  There was this book I read once that was called "The power of a praying wife" and it talks about instead of wanting your man to change you actually changing the way you think, act and react to things.  It's a really awesome book and it really helped me become a much better wife.  Marriage is so sacred and it takes alot of work from both people in order to work.  It's easy for me to become selfish and irritated when I don't get what I want but that's when I seek guidance and take the focus off of the negative and put more emphasis on the postive.  Plus just talking about it helps so much, sometimes I feel like I'm all alone but then I find people who have been through my situation or are going through it and we help each other.  It's so uplifitng.  Hopefully some if this helps and I didn't ramble too much...lol

Chivaun - posted on 01/30/2009

Well, for me I just don't have the desire to have sex. Not that I am tired, I just don't want to be touched. I used to have a high sex drive, but now, I can go without for some time. My husband sometimes gets frustrated, but since my daughter, no interest. I have turned into the type of person that just likes to be held or just talked to. I am working on changing things, we've only been married for a year and a half.

Amanda - posted on 01/30/2009

thanks heaps for that and definately not too much FYI

Gabrielle - posted on 01/30/2009

I feel the same way sometimes Amanda, my husband is military and works long hours or is gone for months at a time, so alot of times, I go without sex and have learned to be ok with that. But my husband wants his wife and I pray diligently about it and now try talking to him about my feelings and encouraging him to talk and express his to me. We both know sex is an important part to marriage and truly is the way to be physically united, so recently I have had to stop and tell myself that the dishes or whatever can wait. Hope this isn't too much FYI, but I said to him tonight, lets have a date after we've put the children to bed then later we can talk (which is what I like) over us doing the nightly house chores together. This wasn't really advice I just wanted to share my story with you. Take care Amanda....

Amanda - posted on 01/30/2009

My hubby works away so he is on the receieving end of no sex. i get so used to him not being around and then he comes home and wants me and im just not in the mood and tired and have a billion things to do. he gets so frustrated cause before our son was born our sex life was great (and he wasnt away so long as he is now) and now our sex life in non existant almost. i feel bad for him cause i love him so much and i want to give him what he wants but i dont even know how to anymore...

Michelle - posted on 01/30/2009

I don't know about the note thing, he really hates to read and I think he would get irritated that I wouldn't just talk to him.  We have our anniversary on Tuesday and so I think that maybe this weekend I will try to talk to him about it.  It just feels better talking to someone about it rather than leaving it bottled up.  I can tell a difference today from yesterday just b/c I've let some things off my mind.  I appreciate your prayers.

Julie - posted on 01/30/2009

Oh, and if you do write him a letter and give it to him to read, it doesn't replace actually sitting down and talking to him. The letter just helps to provide a good starting point for the conversation. I will be praying for you!

Julie - posted on 01/30/2009

Michelle, have you tried writing a letter to your husband? Sometimes when I have difficult subjects to discuss with my husband that I feel really strongly about, I find it easier to write him a letter. When I try to talk to him, I get flustered or start crying, or say something in the wrong way, and my point doesn't get across. By writing a letter, I can make sure I have had said everything I mean to say, and in the right way, maybe even have a good friend read it to make sure I expressed myself clearly. Even if you don't actually give the letter to your husband, writing it may help you to clarify your thoughts before you speak to him.

Michelle - posted on 01/30/2009

My husband is a great man and I love him to death, he gets the boys ready  for church and fixes their hair, he lets me sleep in every Saturday, he tells me to go get my hair done or to go shopping from time to time, he helps with laundry when I need it, takes care of me and the house when I'm ill, makes sure that I never run out of Dr. Pepper (that's my vice), there are lots of things that are wonderful about him and that's why I feel so bad about being upset about this one issue.  I tell myself all the time that I don't have anything to be complainig about and that I have a good life but there are sometimes when I can't pull myself out of this self pity.  When he came home yesterday he could tell that something was bothering me and kept asking if everything was okay but I don't know how to get it through to him that I'm feeling bad about myself b/c of this issue.

Laura - posted on 01/30/2009

I agree, it is refreshing to be able to talk on this topic with other women who also have Christian views on sex in marriage. I had my 3rd child 2 1/2 weeks ago, so that physical time has not come around yet, but I can't wait, and I know my husband can't either. We have tried to take any moment we get to just cuddle and be around each other these past couple weeks. This pregnancy has actually been the first where my husband is SO supportive, (he has always been supportive, but just seems to be more this time, I think another year of maturity brought it on), and that is helping tons! I know there are always times when I physically don't feel like I can be intimate, but I know in my head I always want to be with my husband, so it is either helping him find that last thing to help me be "in the mood" completely or realizing that full intimacy might not come, but doing anything physically, just our touch, helps us both be in better moods. For me, personally, remembering to pray about how I feel and how my husband feels always helps to put us at ease, also. We read a book called Sheet Music, and it said to always remember that God is there. Not in a creepy way of God "spying" in on you, but God completing your unity w/ your husband that nothing else can fill. Remembering to pray and thank God for fulfilling that last need of a husband and wife, acknowledging his presence in our life... Def. a good book to read, I highly recommend it!

Rhonda - posted on 01/29/2009

Michelle did you have romance before you were married? Have things changed a lot from when you first got married? And just to clarify, I have not been tempted to be unfaithful, just have to guard my thoughts and make sure they are Christ honoring. I do not read romance novels unless they are Christian or watch soaps or shows that are filled with sex. They are just not real. I think that romance needs to be redefined or looked at differently from the worlds idea. You can have a man who is "romantic" but goes out with his buddies, or doesn't do anything around the house, or blows money, looks at other women. But that is not good. My brother knew how to be "romantic" but is now divorced because he did not know how to love his wife and not himself so much. I catch myself sometimes getting upset that my husband doesn't take the initiative but in the big picture it is not worth the feelings and anger, bitterness, or depression that occurs .Ladies, Julie and Michelle, unless something has drastically changed, you are desireable, it is just that testosterone is not running high. Another thought, My husband says that I am so busy that when he is ready to go to bed I still have things going on and he falls asleep. He would like the home to be calm and not racing until right before bed because it still seems stressful and sometimes not harmonious. WIth 7 kids how can it be calm! By the way, start prepping him for Valentines Day. "He is not a mind reader", that's my husbands two cents.

Julie - posted on 01/29/2009

Thanks, Michelle and Rhonda, for sharing your problems. It is true that the male stereotype doesn't acknowledge that men sometimes struggle with low desire, too. I think that does become even more difficult after having a baby, because as Britney pointed out, we don't look so great in that sexy lingerie anymore! so we tend to feel even more insecure. It can be really difficult to talk to your husband about these things though. I have talked to my husband before when there were problems with sex, and I try to be so careful so that he doesn't think I am accusing him or that I am disappointed in him. It was hard, but being able to talk about things openly with him has helped a lot.

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2009

I appreciate your insight Rhonda.  Like you I love my husband dearly and he is not a bad husband or father.  He has never put himself first and everything he does is for his family.  I guess that's why I feel bad that this is a issue.  I don't have temptations to stray, I was in an unfaithful marriage before for six yrs and I know how much it hurts when your spouse is unfailthful.  I just battle depression over it and I don't want to be depressed.  I have a wonderful life and I wouldn't want to change any of it just a little romance and basically to feel desirable is all I'm looking for.

Rhonda - posted on 01/29/2009

Oh Michelle, I will answer you. I have been married for almost 23 yearsand have struggled with this issue all these years. It has been a two fold struggle. 1st. - I struggled with my own self esteem at feeling rejected. I felt it was me or my body(seven kids) and definetely a few lbs heavier than my weight at 20 and definetely a body that sags beyond recognition. It is so bad that when I am laying in bed and I go to touch my breast I have to pull them up off the bed! Can you you imagine how that is for intimacy! In the dark my husband can't find my breasts! Thank goodness for bras and tummy tucker underwear! I started losing weight and the fat between my legs started crreping down to my knees and peeked out beneath my shorts! I almost wanted to gain back the weight. Oh well, enough of the lighter stuff. When i started reflecting back on our sex and married life, I remembered that it has always been that way from day one. My husband just hasn't had the drive that I have. It is not me!! I was thin, hot and my skin was tight when I was young and we struggled with this. You know there are a lot more women and men in the same situation but they don't talk about it because of the stereo type of the average male. Sex all the time - that's all he wants. We as wives don't talk about it because we don't want to embarrass our husbands or ourselves. Our husbands don't talk about it because people would think he has a problem. Even couples don't talk about it with each other because usually the husband is extremely sensitive about this and tends to get defensive. Realizing it was not me really released me. However, we did need to come to some agreement on this. I have had 23 years to think about how to address my husband when I become concerned about the lack of intimacy. About a year ago I was finally able to clarify it for him so that he could see things from my view. I first shared with him that he was my lover and my warrior and that he was the only one for me and that I know he loved me. I also told him that before God he was the only one who could meet my needs and I his. I did share with him that when we are not intimate for awhile I really struggle with the temptation of straying with my thoughts. I feel that as my protector he is responsible to protect me from this. I am responsible for my actions and so I ask the Lord to walk with me and help me. I am becoming more victorious, however it is there. I shared with him that I felt he needed to take time to love me intimately even if it was planned. He needed to start thinking about me as a sexual being not just as any woman. I think that they just need to be reminded of this. While it is not always roses I will say that it is better. Now I need to say for those of you you who might be tempted to feel sorry for me - Don't. My husband would die for me and my children. He gives me anything he possibly can and does everything that I might want done on a whim. He comes home everynight and puts me above all else. He doesn't look at other women and I feel very secure that he will not leave me for sex. He is a very happy man in bed. I have never turned him down and I make sure that he knows he is my man. Well, I don't get up and make him breakfast.(No sex does not begin in the kitchen - once he's up - nothing can get him back in bed.) I am smiling as I write this because life is not all about sex. We have so much more to our marriage and we look forward to spending a lifetime together. Sex to me is the icing on the cake. I share my feelings with my girlfriends who are on the opposite side and give them insight into how their husbands think. God made us sexual and some of us have more intense feelings than others, but in marriage it so blessed. I have said alot for now and would love to chat more. I know my husband has thoughts on this also. Sooo...

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2009

I think this is a good post and I have a different problem in the area of sex.  It's not that I lack the desire, it's that my husband lacks the desire.  I hate going to people for advice on this b/c the first thing people think is that he is cheating and that isn't that case.  My husband is a very devoted man and his family is everything to him and he wouldn't jepordize it to an affair.  He's the one saying he's tired or most times he just falls asleep in his chair by 8:30pm.  I know he gets overwhelmed with work b/c I get overwhelmed as a stay at home mother of 4 kids.  But do you have any idea what happens to a woman's self esteem when her husband doesn't have a sexual desire for her.  I've tried to talk to him about it and he says that I'm reading more into it than that or that he's not a "sex fiend" like I am.  But that's not the case.  I feel disgusting and like it has to be some aweful task for him to be with me intimately.  Everything else in our marriage is fine, a normal happy marriage but this is one issue that I thought I could just deal with but I think it's causing me to get easily depressed.

Britney - posted on 01/29/2009

julie, i completely agree. i've read some of the same things from women who are overwhelmed and exhausted and, as a result, are letting intimacy slip away out of their marriages. its true though, our bodies do not belong to us anymore! its not fair to withhold sex and yet still demand our husbands to be the tender, affectionate partners we want them to be.

but it certainly takes work and determination. sex just isn't what it used to be, at least not yet. for one, my body has changed and i'm not looking so awesome in all those sexy little lingeries! and we dont have the time, energy or money to go on romantic dates. we're having to learn to find the "sexy-ness" in everyday normal life, and to have just as much fun cuddling on the couch while the baby sleeps as we did when we could go out. and even though its been 4 months, its still a little uncomfortable for me so we're having to take things very slowly. oh- and perhaps the biggest change of all- no more carefree days of thinking pregnancy was impossible!! we're still stuck with condoms until we find a birth control that we like.

so needless to say, things are different. but we are different people than we used to be, we have grown up a lot. we love each other with a greater depth and maturity and have such a greater perspective on life. romantic dates and lingerie and passion are great things, but thats not what sex is about. sex is about intimacy, which comes from love, selflessness and a deep spiritual connection. those are things that haven't changed! eventually all the kinks will work themselves out and we can express ourselves just as passionately as before ;)

Gabrielle - posted on 01/28/2009

Thank you for your recommendation, I look forward to reading this and improving my sexual relationship with my husband. I try not to fall shy on the "hormone" syndrome or the "I'm extremely tired, honey", but it is really hard to make the household go round with children under foot and that intimate time with our spouses. I hope to improve and have pray diligently on the subject. Thank you again for the recommendation!! And the reminder of not only being mommy but also wife, which I was first!