sigh

Mischa - posted on 09/26/2012

Sounds like elevated levels of anxiety and some bad post-partum depression. WHAT medications are you taking? It's not that they are bad...it is maybe the dosage. Doctors tend to start you off on a low dose and up it when it is no longer effective...which is in your case. But also consider that you may have more than one mental illness going on here...and requires more than one medication to adress all the symptons. I think...please don't take this the wrong way as I have a great deal of understanding of mental illnesses and compassion....but consider a psych eval to see what the problem is and an ACCURATE course of treatment. You also NEED talk therapy, like CBT. You have a lot of trauma to work through. Medication gets you to a place of stability to DEAL with the trauma...but you still need to HEAL from it. That takes therapy. You may want to see a psychiatrist for the meds because a psychologist does not prescribe. Psychiatrist is an expert in medication and can listen to how you are feelings and experiencing and make an accurate diagnosis. PLease please, be aware that it is one thing to feel burdend, buit another to act on it. To abuse or neglect. The thing with depression is that you lack energy and motivation...so neglect can happen.....even if that is not 'normally' you or mean to and feel guilty...but if you act on it...you must get that child in a safe place. Talk to your siblings or parents about taking the child...perhaps you need a little time to deal with your depression....get it treated...and get a little therapy. You are not giving up on your child...but providing a safe place for his/her well being until you are recovered enough to resume parental duties. This is not a judgement on you, but for you to really think about what is best for your child...and the kind of mother you want to be. Perhaps a break from the child to heal a bit is what BOTH of you need. Being a parent is being a 100%, and when youj are not...that is when you ask for help and support.

Rebecca - posted on 03/30/2010

Oh, my heart aches for you. You can't work through what they did. They are sick people that are wicked. To forgive is not for them it is for you. They do not have the Lord like you do. You need to lean on Him right now. Cry out to Him. Tell Him your struggles and stay in his word. In time He will lead you through this. "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; Save me and I shall be saved, For you are my praise" Jer 17:14 I have prayed this often. Also look at 2 Cor 1:1-6. It helps to understand how you can use your pain to help others. To keep dwelling on the past keeps you in the past. Don't let the wicked keep hold of you.
The beautiful baby you have is not a burden. He is a blessing that you now have to keep safe. Give him all that was not given to you. Hold him, love him, look into his eyes and see the beauty of God looking back.

Tina - posted on 03/29/2010

Hi Jenny,
I went through abuse most of my childhood. I know what it can do to you, but I also know we have a Heavenly Father that keeps His Word. I was in my 20's before I dealt with it. I totally understand what you are saying about feeling like you are losing your mind, the fear and anxiety. How do you forgive? It is a total act of your will, sometimes minute by minute... every time a memory or thought comes up I had to make a choice to forgive. Remember, forgiveness is not a feeling. When you began to consciously surrender it to God, He will step in and give you the strength to forgive as He heals your heart.
I am praying for you, Rev. Tina
www.heart-of-compassion.org

Sarah - posted on 03/29/2010

your post made me cry... i recently have went through physical abuse that topped off 3 yrs of mental abuse and i feel the same way. i have a support group on facebook through causes about abuse to women. even though my partner is going through counseling, anger management and seems to be a totally different person i can't help but think its all a front and will not last long. i want to forgive but i just can't! i used to be able to just put aside the pain of mental abuse by playing with my children and now i don't want to be around them and when i am around them i get cranky and i know thats not me. my counseler told me to be the real me and see wat i really am and go from there to become who i want and need to be. so far i have gotten rid of the anger and i feel alot better already. try that and i will get back with you about forgiveness. it may be a while though lol....

Heather - posted on 03/29/2010

I am praying for you. I would like to encourage you to visit this website. It is mainly for teen girls, but it has some wonderful encouragement and Scripture that might help.

http://www.teen-beauty-tips.com/teenage-...

Sheena - posted on 03/29/2010

Oh. honey. just hearing that make me want to give you one really big hug. I wish I could take all that pain away from you. Do me a favor please. Then next time you feel like doing something like that or just right now. Get a pen and paper. Write down everything you are feeling. don't hold anything back. when your done say a prayer that everything you wrote down leaves you ask God to take it away then go outside and burn the bad things. although you will be burning the paper don't look at it that way. You are burning the words of pain, frustration and sorrow. then let it go and don't look back. If you can only do a little at a time I understand. It took me about 4 or 5 times to write everything down and each time I did I was able to let go bit by bit until it was all gone and each time what I wrote was less and less. It may sound corny but it actually worked for me. I hope it will help you.

Sheena - posted on 03/29/2010

Jenny, I have never been abused so I can't give advise on what I dont know. But I do take meds for my highs and lows. Before I was pregnant with my son Landon my medication was fine. I stopped taking it while I was pregnant and seemed to do okay. After I had Landon and stopped attempting to breast feed I started to take my meds again. and they did the same thing you said. I was either really happy and excited to be with my son, or really angry at nothing at all. I would have to walk away and go to my quiet place to relax. Or I would just start to have tears run down my face for the smallest things. Like burning the food that I was set on eating. (I am learning how to cook) Anyways. I stopped taking the medicine that I took before I was pregnant and since the medicine has been out of my system I have been doing a lot better. Makes me wonder if it has to do with the hormones we put out after we have the baby. Well I will send a prayer out for you and your little one.

Diane - posted on 03/28/2010

I would suggest reading this book, Lord I Want to be Whole, by Stormie OMartian. She was abused as well and tells her story about forgiveness. She was locked in a clost when she was a child, among other things.

Our agony is NOTHING in comparison to what Christ went through, we should always keep that in mind. He forgave those who killed him. He forgave those that tortured and mocked him. We are commanded to love our enemies, and sometimes enemies can be in our own families which makes it much harder.

I know this...............that unforgiveness can bring anxiety, pain, depression and illness. It has a way of consuming our actions and our thoughts. It can ruin lives. It can and will separate you from God.
I do not know where you are coming from because I was never abused so I do not know what that kind of hurt is all about. I can't imagine what you are going through. I do know what emotional pain is all about.
I did have an abortion, I ended a life. Try to live with that one. I can not ask for my child's forgiveness. But I asked Christ to forgive me and He did. He changed my life.

Give it all to Him...your pain, your tears, your rage. He loves you and He understands.
He never meant for you to be alone in your walk so try to find Christian friends you can share your heart with.
Enjoy your baby and just give praise where praise is due. Concentrate on God, look heavenward. Hold your little miracle because a child is a gift from God and to not enjoy every minute as a mother is tragic, for both of you. Pray and ask God to help you.

My best friend slept with my fiance (not my husband today thank goodness) back in 1978. It devastated me, crushed me......I hated her guts for years. I felt betrayed and ugly. It affected my relationships with guys and female friends...until I realized all the energy I was using was taking a toll on MY HAPPINESS. She was only one friend, he was only one guy. I eventually forgave her years later. That does not mean we became friends again. We are able to speak when we run into each other. Just because you forgive and move on does not mean you have to have them in your life. Forgive and move on.
Like Crystal said, we are commanded to forgive. I know when you do, you will feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders.
If you are cutting yourself I think you need to really talk to a professional. We give advice here but I seriously doubt any of us are trained therapists. We just care about you.
I certainly will pray for you, that God gives you the strength to get through this and that you find the help you need.
God Bless

Jenny - posted on 03/28/2010

please pray for me. i really do feel like i'm losing my mind.

Jenny - posted on 03/28/2010

i know i have to forgive, but i want to be happy, too. i feel like working on forgiving them is taking what little joy i have from me. i'm such a wreck! i actually cut myself yesterday - twice - because i needed some way to get it all out. a lot of people don't understand cutting, but i found a quote that says it all:
"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. "
- Girl Interrupted

that's how i feel a lot these days.

Crystal - posted on 03/28/2010

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is required of us. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus said,"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." I know we must forgive for our own benefit, for only God has the real power to forgive. When we forgive it is so what has been done to us can be overcome. We will no longer dwell on it, or let it have power over us. When we release the anger and hurt we feel toward others, we allow God to set us free. John 8:36-"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." The good news is you don't have to work through it alone, God is with you every step of the way, He feels your pain and He will wipe away your every tear -Revelation 7:17. Give Him the power in your life to get you through this valley and to see your baby in a whole new light.

Karen - posted on 03/28/2010

Hi Jenny,

I too have been in this situation, I was abused by my father until I was 15 and then myself and my 2 brothers were taken into care.
I am now 33 and have had depression and OCD since that time. My OCD takes the form of repeated thoughts of death of my daughter and this leaves me teary and unable to cope. Recently I started going to my doctor who referred me to a counsellor. It was the best thing I ever did. My doctor also asked me to read, The Shack.... It has really helped me, even though I sob everytime i read it.

I have learned to say in my head, I forgive you... I know he will never accept what he did to me, but God knows the truth and that is all I need.One day I will be able to say it to his face, but now isn't the right time for that.

My daughter is 13 now and I only started liking her a few years ago, yes I love her but i was traumatised for a long time and had bad post natal depression for a few years. Enjoying your baby will come. try hard not to push it, see a counsellor, it really was the best thing I did.

Cindy - posted on 03/28/2010

I agree with both of these ladies. You MUST forgive even thought you will never forget. To many people tell you to forgive and forget and that won't happen, but in order for you to move on with your life you MUST forgive. It isn't easy but it is possible. Find someone to talk to whether it be a counselor, pastor, friend but I found the best way to forgive is to talk about it. I was raped almost 20 years ago while my husband was stationed in Korea and it took me a long time to forgive the individual who did that to me. I will say that I never want to see him again but I no longer loath him. It is a process that you need to go through. AND PRAY---God is there to help you heal-now let him.

Anne - posted on 03/27/2010

Jenny I have not been where you have been. However I will keep you and your beautiful baby on my Prayer List.

Heather - posted on 03/27/2010

From someone who has been abused, forgiveness really is the key. Holding onto the anger only lets them continue to abuse you. It's not easy, but if you ever truly want to get over it, forgiveness is the answer. I will pray for you to find peace and be able to forgive.