Jennifer - posted on 01/03/2010 ( 52 moms have responded )
I don't even know where to start. I feel like I'm in a hole so deep I can't get out. I cry out to God everyday to help me and things don't seem to be getting better. Four and a half years ago I married a man I was aquainted with all my life(but soon realized I didn't know well at all). His mom lies, controls and manipulates. She has done everything in her power to make my life miserable including encouraging him to lie to me and keep secrets from me...which he didn't need any help with, because he was already doing that. Anyway, I got married. He was in the military so in the past four and a half years I've moved four or five times, we're 12,000 dollars in debt because he never made any money at anything and refuses to get a college degree. I was on my way through college but gave up my dreams to marry him and follow him through all of his poor financial decisions(yes, i have worked one and two jobs trying to help him and have also been a stay at home mom because i can't really make enough money to cover the cost of daycare). I have a 2 and a 3 year old, both I was pregnant with while he was deployed, one of them I had alone. My friends have all faded away because they're all still single and not Christians(i.e. would rather go out and drink than play some board games or something). I don't have hardly any support with caring for my children. The last time my parents watched my kids was last summer for a couple hours while aaron and i got some counseling. Our house has been broken into and everything stolen, family died, pets died, problems with my brother and sister-in-law, problems with the mother-in-law,marriage problems, financial problems, health problems...i started with postpartum depression(in the form of generalized anxiety on a daily basis) and now I think I'm having that chronic fatigue syndrome or adrenal exhaustion or something from all of the unrelenting stress I've endured the past few years. I finally decided to go back to school against my husband's wishes(he was jealous and afraid i would find someone else or be more successful than him) and I was taking upperlevel chemistry classes and had a a really hard semester. I started noticing that I was getting sick all the time and I couldn't get rid of the illnesses. I'm only 26 and I'm already starting to have thyroid problems and blood sugar problems(both can be brought on by stress). EDIT: I've also had TWO miscarriages this year that i got all way to 12 weeks before I miscarried. Those where the worst most devistating things that have happened. Two miscarriages after two pregnancies with no complications. My OBGYN thinks I have developed polycystic ovary syndrome, due to hormonal embalances....my ovaries are another casualty of the stress along with my precious unborn little ones.
Now, my husband and I, through the help of God and the Love Dare book are coming back together. The Love Dare book also showed me that I can love some of the other people in my life inspite of all the pain they've caused me and will continue to cause me. I took my finals and made 2A's, a B, and a C. It would appear that everything is coming together....but I think getting there has just depleated all of my resources. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel so fatigued that I don't have the energy to get off the bed or couch. Daily I pray for deliverance from all the physical exhaustion and anxiety I am feeling. I don't know how to stop focusing on the bad in my life, or not enough to feel better. My stress tolerance is so low that facebook games stress me out and cause me to have anxiety attacks. I feel like I'm going crazy. And I feel all alone and scared. I know I'm not suppose to fear and worry...but whether it be physiological or psychological I don't feel like I have the strenght to pull myself out of this. I need positive people in my life. I need God's help. I need frriends. I can't do this by myself. Its just too big now. Someone please help me. Please pray for me. I know that if I get through this it will be the grace of God. Sorry this is so long but it was written by someone who has no friends to talk to. Thank you.