staying at home

M. Rose - posted on 04/06/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I would love some advice from any sahms or previous sahms. I just have so much trouble balancing my time, cleaning, cooking, organizing, playing w/my kids, resting. I am at home, and everyone says its a blessing but I wonder a lot about it.. we are on medicaid and wic and still have a hard time financially. I desire a house but I know its in the Lord's timing. We only have one car so most days we can't go anywhere. my 1st son had colic for the first 8 mos, which drove me crazy - literally found myself screaming at him and crying thru the days. I wanted to go back to work mostly because of it. I prayed and weighed the financial options of daycare and other expenses. after 4 months or so I felt that it wasn't God's best for me and then I found out I was pregnant again.



Mentally i'm not depressed like I was for over a year but now we have 2 kids and I just don't LOVE being home, I don't have this overwhelming gratefulness to be a mom or at home. I honestly don't think a job will solve my mindest. I tire of doing things with my son, trying to find new things all the time, most of which he doesn't like to do (he's 2), changing diapers, being interrupted, disciplining, trying to find the balance of cleaning and resting when he is sleep, I'm just irritated and wish I was more prepared for this part of my life.



I have sought out a mentor at church more than once without success. There are a lot of other sahms, most are homeschooling but they can't help like someone w/o young ones (plus they are more busy w/schooling). They do give advice, which I'd be completely lost w/o, but how do I stop disliking my job? I do pray to love being a mother and to love my children.

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Heather - posted on 04/06/2011

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Your last sentence is exactly what I was going to recommend. There was a time (and there are still moments) when I felt exactly like you do. The thing that helped me the most was praying that God would help me enjoy the season of life that I am in. I started doing volunteer work from home so that I felt like I was still an active member of society and that has now led to working from home (which is a huge financial blessing, but it took years of volunteer work to reach this point).

Then I also went through and made a list of everything that I had to do each day, and realized that it wasn't as much as it felt like. If I clean the bathrooms one day, the bedrooms the next, then the kitchen, and so on, it isn't nearly as overwhelming and I have more time to actually enjoy life. After I had a list I kind of set up a timeline (not a schedule). So I knew that first thing in the morning I did this, then this, then this, then we had lunch. I actually got a ton more done then I use to, but I still had time to do the things I wanted.

I had also looked at our budget and it would have cost more money for daycare than I would have been able to make at a job. I did do some babysitting out of our home, but not much.

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Carla - posted on 04/13/2011

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@Rebekah--very nicely said, and I LOVE the letter to the Bride. I will hold that in my heart the rest of my life.

Rebekah - posted on 04/12/2011

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*HUGS* I think you need a mommy pampering day. You need a day just for mom, no kids, no husband, just you.

It's not easy being a mom, kid(s) can be a handful at times. Here is my suggestion to you, instead of praying to God for what you actually love - you do love being a mom and I know you love your children, if you didn't you wouldn't have posted this thread. :)

Instead you need to pray to God for energy, motivation, and strength. These are the things that mom(s), especially of young children lose the fastest.

I used to be a SAHM, I absolutely LOVED it, but it's hard - that's the hardest job I've ever had. Then I had to go to work full-time, it was hard at first, but I have to admit it is MUCH easier to go to work than to be at home... BUT the down fall to it, you depend on other people/day care to raise your children. Sure, you might be the mom, but I've pulled my son out of different day cares just because I couldn't live with the battles later on when I came home and I was tired... having to battle what is allowed/not allowed from day care to home, drove me nuts. Then if you leave your kids with someone else, it's still a battle later. No one can raise your kids like you can - you are mommy - a position that cannot be replaced!!! In my opinion you have the MOST stable job you could ask for. :)

Instead of weighing your mind down with what needs to be cleaned or needs to get done, throw it all out the window for ONE day... and go have some fun. Find a place with lots of kids and let your kids run around, play with them, enjoy this moment and season because it won't last forever. Disciplining is nothing more than "discipleship" - you are truly teaching your children (though at times you want to pull your own hair out). But think about it... how many times does God discipline us and yet we still agitate, we still scream, we still complain, we still cry... do you think there are times that He just wants to pull His own hair out? How about quit His job?!

I think you need mind set change, you need to start realizing you are valued, you are important, though being the SAHM has a tendency to be like Children's Ministry Leaders... you have the hardest job, with little attention to yourself. What a humbling job! It's called losing our pride.

I say stop thinking about new activities all the time, and be YOU. Stop trying to be super mom, cleaning all the time, baking, etc. and just enjoy life! Your children will only be this age once... and if you don't enjoy it now (yes, through the biting, the throwing of food, the pushing, the hitting, the screaming, the tantrums, the whining, etc.) you'll miss out and one day down the road you'll then wish you had it back, but you can't... and that will be an even darker road.

You are VALUED!!!! You are IMPORTANT!!! Jesus looks down on You and He says, "I've made YOU a HAPPY mother of children." (Found in Psalm). He also says "YOU are my beautiful Princess."

Maybe this Love Letter will help you as well....

My Beloved Bride,

The time is now to believe My promises and trust Me to shelter you from the storms that will come in this life. I am truly the knight in shining armor that your heart longs for. I am the one who has already given His life for you. I know your hidden fears, but you must learn to look to Me, My beloved Bride, when life hits hard. I am the rock on which you can stand when all around you seems to be sinking sand. Stand on My Word and hide it in your heart, and you will never sink in hopelessness again!

Love,
Your Prince and Rock

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior; My God is my Rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety." Psalm 18:2

Carla - posted on 04/09/2011

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Heather mentioned schedule/timeline. She also said do a couple things one day, and others the next, etc. You don't have to do laundry every day, you don't have to do a full clean of the bathrooms, bedrooms, etc. every day. On the off-days, take a rag and run over surfaces to get dust off (sometimes even a sleeve will do ;)) and a paper towel over the sink area and toilet. Your children WON'T die of germs, and you won't feel as pressured.

The reason you want to be a sahm is to spend time with the children. Have that at the front of your brain when thinking of things to do with them. It's getting to be spring, take them outside for a nature walk. Teach them the bird's names (you may have to check online for the birds in your area). Show them flowers, and maybe pick a bouquet. Get flower/veggie seeds and let them plant them (in a pot on the patio, if necessary) and let them see the growing process. Make finger paint out of chocolate pudding and put them at the table (clean the table first) or on their high-chair trays and let them have fun.

You had to be taught to do an outside job, you also have to learn to be a sahm. Pray, honey. God is a Father, so He understands your frustration. You are NOT going to be like one of those women on TV who goes around smiling and humming to herself all the time. That is unrealistic. But this vocation is one of the highest you can accomplish. Pray for wisdom, pray for patience, pray for motherly love. He will be there for you.

God bless, honey, He's here for you, and so are we.

Lorraine Alicia - posted on 04/09/2011

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It's not that you do not like being a mother or you do not love your children it's that you are very stressed out and that is why you feel like that. I have had my moments when i feel exactly like you and i am not a stay at home mom. I wanted to quit and when i say quit i meant everything. My job my marriage everthing. I got so stressed i started getting physically sick and severe panic attacks. It's the stress, somtimes we try to do to much as woman and we do not care for ourself properly.



I prayed and prayed and God worked everthing out and i still work and there are days when i feel i can still quit but it's not so bad now. I have learnt that preperation goes a long way on weekends i will take a couple of hrs and prepare things for the week to come. Like i will organise what i will be cooking even somtimes prep what could be prep before hand and leave it in the refrigrator, so cooking is no problem. Find interactive toys for your two yrs old because at that time of there life they have so much energy. Even educational movies that will interest them you can lay on the couch while they watch it and get some relaation.



Most important before the start of each day pray and ask God to guide your day even ask him to help you find things that will interest you two yrs old. There is nothing that we can not ask him for.

Vanessa - posted on 04/08/2011

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Rose,
I feel you. I really do. I have one child. She is also two. Two is a trying time. Period. I to have days when I want to pull my hair out and scream. Days when I wish there was a daycare bus that just comes by to take her when I have had enough. Truthfully, sahm's have a rough job. We struggle to find an outlet for our woman side. It is rough. You can only do what we have all done and that is to continue to fall on your face to the Lord and seek His strength to help you through day by day, moment by moment.
As you said, a job is not the answer. You would still have to be Mommy when the work day is over. The money may or may not make a difference to your household income when daycare is considered. Having one car is a hard thing when you have two young ones. Do you have neighbors? This would be the time to develop friendships with those nearest you. You don't need a car to get out of the house but sometimes, it is nice to look at someone else's four-walls.
I to do not have a home of my own. We, my husband and daughter and myself, live with my mother-in-law and have been for several years now. It is not ideal but that is how God has provided for us. I know all to well the yearning to want more space. I have had to learn to accept where He has me/us and to make the best out of it. Wallowing, pouting, having resentment towards my daughter, resenting my mommy status, etc, did not and would not change anything. God changed my perspective to His.

I struggle with my daily schedule/to do list myself. It seems like either I get to the gym in the morning or I do housework. It's a trade off but I appreciate what Heather said about cleaning one thing/place per day.

I know it's rough babe. I wish I had the "right" answer for you but I don't. Just remember, God has you and your family and this is just a season.

Alisha - posted on 04/07/2011

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I think it is all about having an intentional plan for the day. I write down things I need to get done and somewhat of a time frame. On certain days do certain cleaning and other days plan an art project or a walk. You I wouldn't give up on mentors at church, the Lord wi ll provide what you need!

Natasha - posted on 04/07/2011

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It is 8:30 in the morning and already I need a "mommy time out!" Truthfully, with two young ones, the first year after the second's birth was the hardest year of my life! Once my youngest turned one and could interact more with her big sister, things got better. My youngest is almot 3 now and we have been able to do more and more as she got older. We go to bible study on Mondays (they call it recess because they get to play a lot), we have small group on Wednesday nights with kids they play with. We go to the library for story time on Wednesdays and sometimes Thursdays too (ack, I need to shower before we leave in a few hours!). I am active in our MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group (www.mops.org to find a group near you) and I try to get out of the house as much as possible during the week too. We are not a very scheduled family at home except for bed time. That might all change with kindergarten next year. I am a scatterbrained mom who stalks google and mom-blogs for ideas to do with my kids (and most of my brilliant ideas just turn into crazy messes!).

I have my masters degree in teaching and a LOT of loans to pay off for that, but I now have no desire to teach. My husband is very frustrated with that but understands that if I went back to work full time our house would NOT look the way it looks, we would NOT be eating such good home cooked meals, and we would NOT have as much influence over our children's discipline. He would have to step up more than he does which would mean neither of us could "relax" during the evenings because we would be constantly catching up on housework. I am a horrible multi-tasker and know my limits. I would be one stressed out mamma!!!

That being said, we are beyond paycheck to paycheck with bills, mortgage, school loans, credit cards, etc. We are working on that and yes, financially we would be better off if I worked, but mentally we would not.

I guess I don't have any real advice except to pray about it. I believe (personal belief here) that if it is at all possible to stay home with your kids, you (meaning moms in general) should. I was discussing this with my pastor's wife this weekend and she said that even when her kids were in school and she went back part-time, she ended up quitting because she felt it drained her energy, energy that she felt should be saved up and bestowed upon her kids and husband. If you are frustrated being at home all day with your kids, how frustrated will you be when you get home from a long day at work, to kids begging for your attention, with a husband begging for dinner, a pile of laundry taking over the bedroom, a bathroom that desperately needs a once-over, friends calling and wanting to chat, etc. etc. etc...... That's what I always think about when I have the itch to go back to work and use my brain for something other than "mommy stuff". Does your church have any ministries you could get involved in? That has totally saved me!!!!!!

Sorry to write a book here, but I have been going through a similar situation as you this week and I finally have some clarity to my thoughts...

Linda - posted on 04/06/2011

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Rose, even though many of us say that we love being home with our kids, that doesn't mean than they don't drive us crazy sometimes! Especially when they are young, it is easy to feel isolated and feel like everything you do gets messed up in minutes. I would strongly encourage you to find other Christian moms with kid the same age as your children. It is definitely going to be harder for the homeschooling moms to have as much time to spend with you. When my kids were that young, I had another mother with whom I would visit at least once a week while the kids played. It greatly helped our sanity. If you don't know such a woman, pray. God can bring her into your life. One tip: try to see life as your children see it. Children can find joy in a leaf blowing in the wind, or in a dandelion, or even in a bubble. We can learn so much from them and find joy in the little things too!

Louise - posted on 04/06/2011

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There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a working mum. If you feel that your children would benefit from being in day care where there day is planned into learning and having fun and socialising with others, than stuck indoors with you that really does not want to be there then I think your children would benefit greatly. It takes a certain sort of woman to stay at home all day every day and not every body can hack it. This is no way a bad thing, you love your children very much but you are struggling. Find a good day care that you are happy with and then find a job that would still give you quality time with your little ones. I think if you are happier your children will be happier too. Start today, look at what is on offer work wise and then see if you can afford the day care. It is a change to your childrens routine but they will get used to having a new one as children adapt quickly. You are allowed to have a life to you know, put yourself first and make those phone calls today. Beleive me a happy mummy has happy kids.

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