Struggling with depression.

Tina - posted on 09/05/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

81

1

7

Hi moms,



I have been struggling with depression my whole life it seems. I was abused by my mother, given up to foster care and then to a guardian none of those worked out.

I have lately been struggling with it a lot! I feel like what is the point in anything, cleaning, showering, going to school, getting out of bed, even eating.

There was and is a lot of changes going on in my life.

My husband just changed his career. He moved to another dealership and has been promoted to a Service Writer which is seems to be more promising financially but we will see.

I am unemployed and we are struggling financially, my in laws have been helping us out if we are short on bills so I am thankful for that.



My husband and I have been struggling with communication issues and lack of intimacy. I am totally insecure because of it and also because about a month ago he was talking to another woman at his old job. There was some flirting going on between them and my husband waited two weeks to tell me about it. He did say that he felt conviction and stopped talking to her and decided to tell me after he talked to three other people about it.

He told me she was pretty so he did not believe that she was flirting with him until a co worker told him knowing he is married and has a child with his wife that the other woman like likes him and is interested in him. After that he realized it was real and he contemplated going further with her if possible. He says he did not do anything and I want to believe him but I am not sure.

Now all we seem to do is argue and not listen to one another when we are talking. It is like we are roommates, recently he asked me if I want to separate. I told him no but it was up to him and he was not sure. We went out on a date after that so like two days ago and he said he didnt want to but on our date we seemed to be ok with communication but then we started arguing off and on.

I feel like everything is crumbling like my life is being torn from me and I cannot do anything about it. We have been together for 9 years this past August 30th and married for 4 years this past Aug 30th.

I just do not know what to do anymore. I am so insecure and feel hopeless and helpless.

Has anyone else gone through this or does anyone have advice?

I only have one friend that I can turn to and she has encouraged me to not give up but I feel like sometimes that is the only option.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Carla - posted on 09/06/2012

4,281

83

592

Like I said, sweetie, marriage is rough. We go through our ebb and flow, the honeymoon and the 'why did I marry him/her/'. If he tells you he isn't talking to her, unless he has been untruthful in the past, believe him.



Men don't show their emotions like women. They internalize whatever they are going through. You say he has just changed jobs, you are having financial struggles, and you are feeling insecure. Men just don't know how to handle this stuff! So they back off. We don't think this is a great way to handle a relationship, and indeed it isn't. But you have very little time under your belts, in the grand scheme of things. You are still both insecure, whether he admits it or not.



Have you talked to your pastor and his wife, privately? I bet, if they've been married any amount of time, they can tell you they have gone through the same things. For Mark and I, we got along so well, that we got very smug about our relationship, and I think we needed a little bit of humbling. Oh boy, did we get humbled! We loved each other like crazy, we just didn't know HOW to be married! Most couples are woefully ill-prepared for the realities of marriage. Once I got things between the Lord and I squared around, He started teaching me about the differences between men and women--it was very eye-opening. And, no, He didn't give me some divine revelation, He just made me start listening, truly listening, to what Mark said and did. And Mark started listening to me. We both still think men are from Mars and women from Venus, but we are giving each one their right to be from different planets. I will get on a tangent and be ranting and raving about something, and I look over at him and he's just looking at me--I know that look by now, and start listening to what I am saying. I usually have to apologize--to both him and God ;)



Baby, get close to Jesus. Start asking for wisdom to handle your marriage the way He wants us to. Pray for wisdom for your husband. Thank God that he goes to work every day and is providing as well as he can for you. Thank Him for Hubby coming home every night, and that he likes your cooking. Do you see what I'm talking about? Sometimes we get so involved in the situation, the hurts of daily life that we forget WHY we married that person in the first place. Forgive him, truly forgive him for hurting you. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Don't dwell on the offense, dwell on making your lives and marriage the best you can. Satan will bring the images up in your head a dozen times a day, but push them out and say to yourself 'I forgave him' and go on. It will come.



God bless, honey, you can do this!

Shelley-Ann - posted on 09/07/2012

59

0

2

Hi Tina, it's a great thing that you've taken steps toward your healing. Sometimes that's the hardest part... keeping on that road toward complete healing. It's a long road, as Carla indicated, so please don't get discouraged when things don't happen as quickly as you might like. My husband and I had a similar experience earlier this year, except I was the one talking with a guy I knew from highschool. We were just friends and I wasn't willing to give up the friendship at first because I couldn't understand where my husband was coming from. Then it occured to me, which is more important... this friendship or my marriage? It seems to me like your husband also had that choice to make and he chose you. That says something.



Working things through takes time, and sometimes communicating doesn't only mean talking. What worked best for my situation was listening, really listening. I stopped trying to defend my position and started trying to understand his. Since the two of you seem to have very little time to spend together, why not use the time you do have to enjoy each other? I made it a point of finding out what he liked and doing little things to show him that I care. I found that giving filled a gap that getting never seemed to. Plus, he reciprocated and we have a wonderful relationship now.

Amanda - posted on 09/06/2012

6

9

0

If I could recommend a personal bible study that I feel would be helpful, it is Breaking Free by Beth Moore. It sounds like the underlying issue is with yourself - the fact that he came clean about the temptation and was honest with you means that he cares enough about you not to lie. In Breaking Free, Beth Moore really pulls out scriptures about what God means for our lives, and how many many many Christians continue to keep themselves in bondage because it is what they are used to - even though God has provided us the keys to our freedom. I have struggled with some depression in my life - some - and I find that the worst thing about depression is that is causes isolation. Isolation from family, friends, etc. If your church has a women's group join it, or find a christian friend that you trust - and make a conscious effort to stay social and connected even if it hurts to do so, or you don't want to. When I was in the depressed state, I told myself the lie that there was nothing I could do - that my life was stuck where it was. But it wasn't - the Breaking Free study really helped me to realize that there is nothing that can chain me down but those things I allow to do so - because God has loosed the chains. We are the ones that put them back on.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

11 Comments

View replies by

Tina - posted on 09/10/2012

81

1

7

Thank you for the encouragement ladies! We are still working at it and I am hopeful that God will move us closer together in all of this. I will keep you all posted as time passes. Thank you again I appreciate all of you.

Anne - posted on 09/10/2012

2,755

82

625

Tina I want you to know that I will be Praying for your. also have struggled with depression in the past. For me I needed medication to get past the dark spots. But I knew then and know now as well, that NO Medicine Can Take The Place Of Having God In Our Lives.



Keeping you in my Prayers,

Anne Watkins

Carla - posted on 09/07/2012

4,281

83

592

Wonderful, Tina! It sounds like you guys are well on your way towards healthiness.



We will continue to hold you up in prayer, for wisdom and faith.



God bless, sweetheart, stay in touch with us.

Tina - posted on 09/07/2012

81

1

7

Amanda,

I do realize it is me I am insecure as I have stated. I actually am joining a woman's group on the 20th of this month at the church I attend. I have gone through the isolation stage before and this time around I am not going down that road it does not help and only leads to loss. I do have two people that are Christians and I trust to talk to about this and I have stated one of them on my original post. Both are very encouraging to work it out and seek God above all for help through this. Both are also at different seasons and ages in life which is helpful, one my age and the other much older than I am. One married and one having gone through divorce.

I no longer accept advice from people who are not of the same faith because in my experience personally they only sell you poison and lead you away. Not saying everyone is like that but in my experience yes.

I will check that book out after I have finished Torn just started that one. I am very excited to join a woman's group again and get connected with the church. I have not been in a group since 2010 maybe.

My husband and I are trying to work our issues out but most importantly I NEED to seek GOD more than trying to figure it out and fix it on my own. I am also working on that too.

My husband and I talked more this evening when I got off of school and I feel better but obviously we need to work on it. I think with his new career and him being tired after 12 hour shifts and me going to school in the evening we have come to the conclusion I am feeling more lonely. We talked about other things like lifting one another up when the other is down.

I am getting more hopeful and trying to be more thankful.

Thank all of you for your posts and encouragement. It means so much to me.

Tina - posted on 09/06/2012

81

1

7

Carla,

Thank you I really needed to read that. It made me realize some things that I myself may be creating and dwelling on too much.

I am trying to build my relationship with God but know I could always dedicate more time and words with Him.

I am thankful for your encouragement and words of wisdom thank you so much :)

Tina - posted on 09/06/2012

81

1

7

Carla,

Thank you for those encouraging words. I believe he is no longer talking to her but I still feel hurt from it and his honesty hit me hard. He no longer works at that place where she is/was.

You two are strong to get back to together and choose to forgive and live.

I think my problem is forgiveness, I feel betrayed that he would talk to another woman and flirt with her. Some people say that is not a big deal its just talking but it is. Talking leads to other things when emotions are involved I know this and God warned against this.



I tried writing him a letter once he is not thrilled about them. He hates writing notes/letters/emails, except when we were teenagers. He wrote them all of the time but now hates them.



We seem to get offended with each other easily and it is so hard to talk without doing that lately. Sometimes I want to just give up but I love him and I want this to work out.



I just feel confused :/

Carla - posted on 09/06/2012

4,281

83

592

Infidelity is definitely not just for the unbelievers. When there is stress at home, the grass starts looking better on the other side. If I had a nickel for every guy who said to me 'my wife doesn't understand me', I'd be rich. Your husband sees this woman only at work. She is nicely dressed, treats people nicely (with ulterior motives), and this is very seducing. She probably lets him talk and talk, never interrupting, looking at him with this adoring, rapt look. What is ironic is that IF these two people having an affair (I'm talking hypothetically here) get together, the guy will see her in curlers, in a ratty bathrobe picking her toenails at some point in their relationship! This is how Satan is so conniving. Life is life.



My husband and I struggled in our marriage. He cheated, I cheated, we did horrible things to each other! I got depressed, suicidally. He ended up leaving me for my bff. I realized I had lost my world--and fell on my face before my God. I prayed and fasted, and God worked miracles in our relationship. That was 12 years ago, and my husband re-dedicated himself to the Lord 5 years ago. We will celebrate our 40th anniversary Nov 1. We have our divorce papers (unsigned) to remind us how close we came to losing each other.



Marriage is rough. Pray, pray, pray. If you guys can't talk without arguing, write to each other! My husband and I wrote e-mails to each other. He doesn't communicate or express himself very well (I call him Mr Clam), but he can say it better in writing. Remember that the honeymoon doesn't last forever--life happens and you get bogged down with diapers, bills, broken toilets, dirty socks in the living room. But you do have cycles--honeymoon, life, realization that you are drifting apart, so you work to get the honeymoon back, then life happens, etc. This IS marriage.



God bless, honey. You CAN do this! Husbands talk a different language than wives. You need to learn each other's language.

Salena - posted on 09/05/2012

18

0

7

Hi Sister, my name is Salena I understand how you feel, in my marriage there was infidelity and I chose to forgive him and keep trying but unfortunately he was not a Christian and he continued in his affairs. From what I read it sounds like your husband is a Christian and in that alone there is definately hope, (the devil deffinately has away of messing with our minds especially if there is no tangable proof). There are several truthful stories out there about infidelity and possible infidelity in Christian lives, where Gods will for marriage prevailed like in the book or movie Fire Proof, so please don't loose hope I pray your concerns are unwarranted and also that your husband will clearly see what his friendship with this other woman is doing to you and decide it's not worth it! I also pray that God will-remove the spirit depressifroth at is over you and that your heart will be lifted! God be with you and bless you!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms