teen son and relationship with mother

Jennifer - posted on 08/09/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I am in a quandry of my own making and I do not know what to do. My son and I were best of friends until about 4 years ago. We are both believing Christians but we cannot even be in the same room together. If I am not yelling he is. We went on a teen mission trip with our church just last week and he only spoke to me one time over 8 days. As far as he is concerned he is only surviving in our house until he is gone to college. Yet he does mostly everything he is asked, even college and other things that an angry teen would throw out! I just know that I will never get him back and that as far as we are concerned its over. I am not sure what to do. It is as much me as it is him. Someone must know what to do.

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Anne - posted on 08/26/2009

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Hi Jennifer, I just thought of two things as I read through the other responses.
1. Our youngest daughter had a habit of saying "Just so you Know" That one statement would push my ugly button and I would be really upset convinced that she was just trying to show disrespect. One day when I had heard that statement one too many times I asked her why when she knows that statement makes me mad does she continue to use it? Her response was she just wanted to make sure I had all the facts as she say them before I made a decision. This made ALL the difference in how I reacted to the statement. She in return let me know she was NOT trying to be disrespectful.

2. Just how easy it is be fall back into our old ways of doing things. Our oldest daughter had gotten back with the boyfriend that was a part in our break in our relationship,and was considering moving to the city he lives in to get a job and be closer to him. ( they had broken up about 2 years ago) The thing that almost sent me over the edge again was she was going to be living in the spare room in the same house he lives in. There would have been 2 other guys living in the house also. Saturday (Aug 22) I started to sound a lot like I had when I was trying to be her holy spirit.

I mentioned my first thought because I wondered if maybe your son says things in such a way that sets you off. A heart to heart talk about what ever that is, if in fact it is happening just might take some of the strain out of your relationship

My second thought is more of a caution to you of just how easy it is to backslide in our relationships.
As always keep Praying and I will be Praying for you also.

Kim - posted on 08/25/2009

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I have had a similar situation with one of my sons, who is 20. I think part of the issue, with us anyway, has been that I have always tried to fix everything for him and take care of the issues when he has struggled. He was trying to become independent in his own way. When I could no longer handle the rift in our relationship and his behavior, I finally realized that I needed to give it up to God to take care of it. I should have done that a long time ago. It is a very difficult thing to give up that control, especially as a parent. It doesn't mean that you have to give up contact or a relationship. I was much less stressed and it enabled me to see more clearly what his needs were (and what my needs were in our relationship). I was very thankful that he has his faith and a compassion for others. I know that if he is kind to others, he has some of the values and morals that we instilled in him, along with God's guidance. He will be OK and our relationship will continue to improve with time. You will also be OK-----rely on God and remember that He will take care of your son and help you through this very difficult time, and it may be even harder at times. As your son has time away, he will realize how important you are in his life and it will get better. Keep praying!

Jennifer - posted on 08/25/2009

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Thanks, I will take your example of calming down first. Maybe I should go down the note path. Its just that my mother used to give me notes when I was a rotten teen and I always hated them. Maybe I should try the humor though. Thanks, God is definitely in control so no worries.

Jen

CINDY - posted on 08/25/2009

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Hi Jennifer,me and my son(now almost 20)have gone thru the same thing,and some days it seems like we are still going thru it.He doesn't talk to me like he does his dad and some days its not at all.I've learned to give it to the Lord.I pray for him every day,I pray that God will restore our relationship.The hardest thing I do is show him unconditional love,all the time.It's not that I don't get mad at him,but I calm down first and then talk to him or I write him a note.I try to add humor too.It will get better,don't give up on him or your relationship.God will restore it. Cindy

Heather - posted on 08/25/2009

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Jennifer, I will pray for you! My best advice is to talk to the pastor at your church. If you are both believing Christians, then you both know that this relationship isn't right. I suggest meeting with a pastor or a mutual family friend. Someone that can mediate while the two of you talk that wont pick sides. Maybe even the youth pastor if it would make your son more comfortable. It sounds to me like you just need to sit down and talk it out. Both of you should give a little. Do what pleases God, and that isn't yelling or not talking. Please forgive me if this came off harsh. But it sounds like you are both wonderful people, but that the devil is working in between you to disrupt your walk with God.

I recommend reading Ephesians 4 two of my favorite verses are 4:2 and 4:29.

Anne - posted on 08/24/2009

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What a GOOD POINT! I can look back and remember when I have worried about things and tried to make things work in my own power, spending so much time trying to find the "answer" that I did not PRAY!
Thank you for the reminder.

Jennifer - posted on 08/24/2009

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Thank you so much for the encouragement Anne. Sometimes I just wish all of those years of teaching him manners and behavior would be put to use. He is so sweet around others and so rotten around me. I am glad that you pointed out that prayer was the answer because that is and I often neglect that in my worries. I wonder if that is why JC said not to worry, because it would distract from prayer. hmmm

Anne - posted on 08/09/2009

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Hi Jennifer, I will not tell you I know how you feel, because I really can not totally know how you feel. But I can tell you I have been through something similar with our oldest daughter. Other than her being a girl the main difference was she was not living for the Lord at the time. I will not bore you with the details, but I can tell you that our relationship was healed after a 5 month break. For us the difference came when I stopped trying to be her holy spirit. Notice the lower case letters. I was not am not nor will I ever be THe Holy Spirit. When I started Praying, not butting in my 2 cents worth when her boyfriend and her had a fight, and stopped nagging about her relationship with him not being what she was raised to know was right and Prayed some more we were able to find common ground. It took about another 6 months for our relationship to really be what we both wanted it to be.



I guess I said all of that to tell you not to give up hope on your relationship being restored. God is the God of the Impossible!! I will be Praying for your son and you.

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