What can I so when my children don't want to go to thier dad's house?

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Lalaine - posted on 06/01/2013

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Hi, all! I appreciate all of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences reagrding this matter. I for one has been experiencing the same issue with my 9 yrs. old daughter and my 7 yrs old son (more often its my daughter), they don't want to go to their dad's house. The reason for this is because his wife smokes around them. I have sat down and talked to both of them esp with their dad about it. His wife throw a hizzy fit to my ex and my daughter for voicing her concern and his as well..Few weeks after this happened(my daughter stood her ground of not going there) he called and said that his wife will try to quit (but still has'nt). Now, my children claims that she now goes outside to smoke but she leaves the door and windows open and still smokes inside the house when theyre not there. My children has allergies most esp my daughter. I have tried to explain to their dad that all that smoke goes to the furniture, their bed and other stuff inside the house and that the house is basically saturated by it (if you know what i mean). My daughter cries every single time i tell her its their dads week to have them. Its so hard to see her cry and states she does'nt want to go because of her smoking and that she smells so bad and that she doesn't want to get cancer. I do encourage them and talk to them the importance and reasons why they need to spend time with their dad as well as the repercussions it will cause me if they don't. But she is very strong willed about not going there. So, for all of you moms out there, i need your help because they're threatening me that they will take me court for this, to be held in contempt. What should you do if you were in my situation? Will you drag your kids to their fathers car and strap them? Will you force them to go? I personally cant!!! What can i do legally to avoid to be held in contempt? Please HELP!!!

Carla - posted on 09/14/2012

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Kelley is correct. If she doesn't want to go, and if there is no court order for visitation, the court must have had SOME reason not to allow him visitation. Anyone can become a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad. If he isn't a Dad, he has nothing to give to her.



God bless, Danya

Crystal - posted on 09/20/2009

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Adriel,

My son's biological father and I went through a very similar situation. He hated going to his father's house to visit, because he was always ignored while his dad spent the day/evening playing video games. His father, like your ex, also pawned him off with whoever he could. I was very upset with this for quite awhile, and would go get him from his grandma/uncle/friend/etc if I knew my son was left there instead of spending the court ordered time with his father.



This situation just made everything worse. I found a helpful change. I changed our custody terms so that if his father was going to spend time with him, HE had to come pick him up, many times he just doesn't show. (I never tell my little guy when his dad is expected, so he never feels 'forgotten') Also, I finally realized that when my son is 'pawned off' on someone else, it was always with someone who loved having him there, kept him safe, and enjoyed his company as he did theirs. I pray that is the case with your two little boys also. It took along time to accept that his was not building a positive relationship with his father, but I thank God that my son is in a safe, and often SAFER, place when he passed to someone who actually wants him there. I pray things work for you too.



If your sons are not left in a safe place when your ex doesnt choose to take advantage of his visitation, go get them. They are legally your children, nobody can keep them just because their father left them there. The only situation they could is if your ex got a restraining order banning you from the boys during his visitation time, but thank God, most judges would not sign off on that! Hope some of this advice can help you. God Bless.

Jennifer - posted on 09/19/2009

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Ask alot of questions to find out why they don't want to go. Kids can come up with many lame excuses...make sure it isn't a fear instead. Sometimes kids say what they think you want them to. If they know you miss them when they are gone this may be their way of telling you they miss you also. It doesn't matter how much you and their father don't agree or get along...it is important for your kids to have a good relationship with you both so encourage your children to work on their relationships with their dad. The goal is to raise them to be well-balanced christian adults...to reach that goal, we as moms have to encourage them way more than we may want to in this area. I believe the future payoff will be great though! Good luck and many blessings on you and your family!

[deleted account]

Well I am a step mom and my husband has joint custody of his boys who are now 9 and almost 7 years old. There have been a number of times that they have told there mother that they don't want to come to our house because at our house we have rules(at there moms they got to "run" the home) and we make them eat veggies(@ moms they get soda, pop-tarts & candy...not our house). They also didn't like the fact that they had to show us respect and ask for things instead of demanding us to do things for them. Please don't get me wrong because I love my step-sons dearly, but there was a big difference between our homes and I guess our home didn't seem as fun to them at the time, but now they have no problems coming to our home and look forward to spending time with us rules and all.

Talk to your kids and find out from them as to why they don't want to go spend time with dad and if you can't get an answer from them then talk to the father. The boys mother called my husband one day to tell him that the boys didn't wan to come and spend time with him which of course broke my husbands heart and instead of her finding out prior to calling our home she asked the oldest son while on the phone with my husband why he didn't want to go to our house and he told her, "Because they make me eat green beans." I'm sorry but I think that is something that should of been asked prior to calling our home because she could of taken care of that issue herself. I know I'm all over the place, but I'm just giving you a perspective from the other side. Hope this helps.

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18 Comments

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Kelley - posted on 09/13/2012

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Lord no ! If there isn't a court order then you don't have to do anything. Considering the fact she is twelve even if there is one it would be easy to get out of. I think around that excat age they can decide not too. Just an opinion but if he is a good man and hasn't hurt them in anyway and you know he love them,you might want to get her to go. Because she could be going through that adolecent age. If he is not a good father I wouldn't worry about it.

Danya - posted on 09/13/2012

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Do I have to make my 12 yr old go to her dads if she don't want to and there is no court order for visitation

Ashley - posted on 09/28/2009

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Make sure everything is ok at Dads, then check to make sure you are not giving the wrong vibe about there dad. reassure them that he loves them and didnt go because of them, kids tend to blame themselves and then they wall up and get bitter to there father for not being there, and then they do the same with God if we dont reassure them that he loves them no matter what if he's a good father and doing his part then later in life they wont blame you for him not being there because they'll remember your voice telling them that he was good, even throught your differences and they will be better people too.

Darcel - posted on 09/27/2009

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This conversation reminds me of a time I didn't want to go over my babysitters house. She wasn't mean or abusive, I was bored. I was the only 9 year old and the rest of her charges where babies. I wasn't allowed to watch the TV shows I liked and when I was allowed to play outside there where no other kids to play with in the neighborhood and I was alone.



But when I told my mom I didn't like my sitter I did not have the vocabulary to explain exactly what my concerns where. And when I tried my mother did not find my answers important enough to consider. And that really hurt my feelings, I still get sad thinking about it.



I am using this example to say: take all of the children's concerns seriously. It may seem like a small thing to an adult that the other parents house does not have a video game system or they can't ride their bike, or they have a different bedtime etc.. But these are important things to kids. And most of these small issues can be solved when the parents talk to each other.



Some consistancy between homes would be great. Both parents requiring the kids eat veggies, bedtime the same at each house, being allowed to have a portable video-game system at the other home, etc.



My story ends well, once my sitter learned why I was unhappy she let me help out with some chores. Cleaning, making sandwiches (I thought I was cooking), feeding babies bottles, reading books instead of watching tv, and changing my schedule to play outside when the other kids came home from school ( I was on a different year around cycle) made my days enjoyable.

Tam - posted on 09/21/2009

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When my daughter didn't want to go to her father's house, we played the "legal" card because it was a way to a) show our respect for authority and b) not put either one of us as the bad party. We simply told her that the judge said she had to be with him xx-days and with me xx-days. It wasn't always easy, but it did help.

[deleted account]

Quoting adriel:

thanks everyone for the advice. my kids are 4 and 2. my 4 year old says that he doesn't like going there because he hurts him. and he is never allowed to do anything. i have talked to the dad child protective services have been involved but never have done anything. thier dad only has them because he knows it kills me. he always hands them off to someone else. i have prayed and prayed about it.



I'm so sorry.  I'm in a different, but similar situation.  My ex (soon to be) left us right before my 18 month old son was born.  For months I begged and begged him to come and see the kids to maintain a relationship w/ our girls and develop a relationship w/ our son.  He 'couldn't' afford it and a million other excuses.  NOW he is court allowed (ordered, whatever) to come and visit the kids during the first weekend of every month.  September was the first visit and it was sheer torture handing over my baby to this stranger that is his father.



I hope and pray that the court never allows visitation to where he lives.  It is a MESSED up situation and I WOULD violate any court order that would allow it.  I'd just have to figure out how to hide my kids first.



Good luck and prayers!

Adriel - posted on 09/18/2009

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thanks everyone for the advice. my kids are 4 and 2. my 4 year old says that he doesn't like going there because he hurts him. and he is never allowed to do anything. i have talked to the dad child protective services have been involved but never have done anything. thier dad only has them because he knows it kills me. he always hands them off to someone else. i have prayed and prayed about it.

Rufaro - posted on 09/17/2009

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sit down with them first and ask why they dont want to go. maybe somebody is abusing them there. do not force them or maybe they dont get the same priveledges they get when they are with you. also ask their dad how they will be acting when there.

Victoria - posted on 09/17/2009

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Find out the reasons why they don't want to go to there Dad's. Then if you can talk with there Dad about it. If it's an easily solvable problem, try & work out a solution, if it's something meanial like they don't have certain toys there, or Daddy won't allow them to do, watch, play, go etc... then again try & talk to there dad. But ultimately God gave us mother & father (a male parent & a female parent) for a reason & when it's available, a healthy relationship should be cultivated with both. And if there is any kind of court order in place, you have to make them go. Pray with them, God will work it out, He always does.

Heather - posted on 09/17/2009

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I totally agree with Yansi! My sister's step children tell their mom they don't want to go to their house and their mom says okay. It breaks their fathers heart every time. The reason they don't want to go is because my sister and her husband don't have a Play Station or any other video game. It's not fair to anyone to let children run your life! We are parents for a reason. But like I said in my first post, the reason is important. You need to know why. If it is harmful to them, then you need to take care of it, if it isn't then they need to learn to love daddy too!



To look at it from the other side, when I was growing up I loved my dad's house, but my step mom was another story. She totally bashed my dad all of the time, told me that when I grew up I needed to make sure to find a husband who didn't already have kids because they were extra baggage that I wouldn't want. So eventually I stopped going. I missed my dad terribly, but I couldn't handle my step mom bashing my dad and calling me unwanted baggage.... So like I said, the reason is important.

Rita - posted on 09/17/2009

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Adriel, it is so hard to know why children don't want to go but there is usually a reason. They could just be unhappy with the unfamilure suroundings or there could be something much more serious going on. It is important to listen to them and if there is any reason that you suspect abuse contact the domestic violence help in your area. They have people that are trained to talk with children to find out if they are being harmed in any way. After you have made sure they are not being harmed you can tell them that Daddy loves them too and that it is important that they visit with him on the days that he gets to visit. I was in a spot where my children were being harmed and while the system was playing their "do it by the law" game I had to take them and the police had to inform them that if they didn't visit I could be arrested for not following the visitation order. That was one of the most misserable times in my life.

Heather - posted on 09/16/2009

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Is there a reason that they don't want to go? With young kids it is important to listen to them, but also to tell them that they are loved by both parents. If their Dad wants to see them I would tell them that it will make Daddy sad if he doesn't get to see them. But find out why they don't want to go. If it's just because he has different rules then they need to go anyway, if it's because they get ignored, then maybe you should talk to their dad. The reason is very important, but if it isn't something harmful to them, then I would tell them that they go anyway.

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