what do you think it taking to stay married these days? I just asking!
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Victoria - posted on 10/28/2009
This was told to my husband & I in our marriage counseling prior to our wedding 9 years ago. It takes steadfast commitment to your vows. Love is one of those things that you fall in & out of (even in marriage), so you need loyalty & commitment for the times that you are not in love. It's not about emotions & they come & go, it's about honouring God in your marriage & honouring one another. When it comes to love, it's more about loving God, His ways & word, then what we feel emotionally for each other (emotions are generally messy things) we don't have perfect love, only God does. But as we draw closer to God we will also draw closer to each other, bringing us into a more Godly kind of love for each other, aiming for that perfect love.
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Carla - posted on 09/20/2010
Terri-Lee, you hit it on the head--covenant. If you understand that you made a covenant with God, as well as your spouse, the same as God did with Abraham, you will understand that this commitment is until death do you part. We are so quick to run at the first hint of trouble, and believe me, running only leads to another disaster, and another. A lifetime is needed to truly know your partner. As a lot of you know, the first 30 years of our marriage was hell on earth. Once I set my face to seek the Lord fully, He taught me about covenant. I changed my ways, and my husband followed suit about 6 years later. We are going on 38 years, and couldn't be happier.
Sometimes marriage isn't pretty, but it is a permanent relationship. We just have to roll up our sleeves and make it work.
God bless, darlings!
Jennifer - posted on 09/19/2010
It takes 2 people fully committed to God first and then to each other. it takes a wife who can submit to her husband and a husband who can love his wife as God says. A wife who submits,will lead to a husband who loves and the cycle continues... Full communication and Biblical principles working in their relationship.. Yep that's the ideal marriage. But it is very rare. I had one. He said "The Bible says you have to submit" and I said "but not if you ask me to do something illegal and immoral" I lost every single time... Marriage is not what it once was. I think it can be. I know that non Christians have lasting marriages too, but something is behind it. God's got a plan and I am thankful that He does!
Cyndel - posted on 09/18/2010
Having Jesus Christ as the center of their individual lives preferably before marriage. If their strength comes from Jesus not their spouce then they can make it through tough times and temptations with out the other when necisary. Also if Jesus and not spouce is where hope and life and drive come from if they are devistated by spousal betrayal or death they haven't lost their center, there center is still in Jesus.
Also Jesus should be the center and focus of their marriage. Marriage was created to reflect Christ and the church. They should make every step forward in their marriage through the strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Praying every step of the way.
Also having an older (or married at least 5 years longer, if possible more), successfully married, Jesus loving couple to talk difficulties and frustrating things over with is always helpful. Both individually and singly. The couple should also decide what is and what isn't allowed to be talked about. Such as how much of their sex life are they comfortable with the other talking about with their advising friend without the other knowing at all or until later...stuff like that.
Be very careful not to gossip, that can lose a lot of trust if spouce finds out about your dislike of his bedroom performance from a church friend rather then you. etc.
But it is Jesus, it is all about Jesus, all day, all the time, in everything. Never forget that!
Bonnie - posted on 11/02/2009
Stay committed in everything. The meaning of commitment has been lost over the years. Our lives are running at such a fast pace that people are interested in running, doing, busy at being busy. Slow down, enjoy just being home together, and don't fill the calendar. Talking to each other and connecting is sooooo important. Loving God and loving each other. Remembering the vows that you took when you got married and meaning every word you said. A marriage without God is one without a good foundation.
Amy - posted on 11/02/2009
Oh gosh. I would really agree that sometimes lots of people get married too soon. Having been married for almost two years, we've already encountered a great deal of struggles and issues we have to face. Bottom line, you have to talk and work things through, no matter what. That has to be the bottom line, that no matter if we're mad now, we're going to talk it out until we have a solution. And love on each other, even when you don't feel it. (I really have to watch my mouth when I get tired because then I'm super snappy, and Jon has to remind me that its not him I'm upset with, and if I'm upset about something, to actually say what it is and not just be rude about it. Lastly, pray for each other. Pray and seek to protect your marriage against any compromises...
Sara - posted on 11/02/2009
Same thing it did 10 years, 20 years, 100 years ago. Nothing is different to keeping our marriages together. God first, Husband Second, Children third and the rest WILL fall into place.
I love this, also as far as I go (I don't disagree that it is possible, I just don't understand) I don't know how you would fall out of love, if it is true love as in the kind, God picked your spouse for you. I love my husband more everyday, even in our troubled times I never stopped loving him. Yes we do have problems sometimes, but I still love him. If you find your self having problems in this area I suggest, The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartion, and FIREPROOF, a movie. Also most important, as always pray, pray, pray. If you don't feel like God picked your spouse, just pray more He might just change your mind. Love you all hope I help someone, or that at least I make sense to you.
Kathe - posted on 11/01/2009
It takes a lot of hard work to keep a marriage together. That work is worth keeping a family together. Divorse does not solve the problems, it only compounds problems. I suggest counsling first. After 28 yrs of marriage my husband had a afair with my employee/ friend. My adult children were efected by the divorse. This hurt me to see my kids hurting. If you are not happy and need out , do it the right way. Remember the grass is not greener on the other side. He has life time alamoney to pay.
Toni - posted on 10/31/2009
Staying married, means accepting each others faults; looking at the positive effect that person has on your life; and what it would mean to your life if suddenly they weren't there. It means putting your own needs back a little ways and learning what your partner needs from you. It DOESN'T mean to change or mold your partner into some perfect idea you have in your head. Learn about them, love them for their differences, and realize they ARE an individual just like you. Then just spend every moment you can making them realize how much you love them.
Alanna - posted on 10/31/2009
My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years. We have a date night once a week and we only talk about our relationship on it. We put God first and all else falls into place. We choose not to argue and if we feel it may start we walk away. we show each other respect and love and we have seen the effects it has on our children. We also enjoy activites seperate from one another. He hunts and enjoys shooting and I go to the movies. My parents were married 50 years in June so I had a good start.
Yvonne - posted on 10/30/2009
I read a book just recently that said a man's deepest need in marriage is to feel respected and a woman's deepest need is to feel loved. It also said that if we as women can learn to show respect for our husbands, they will automatically show love back to us. It is alot harder for us women to show respect but really easy for us to love because we were made to love. So try and show respect for your husband and watch how he reacts. Better yet, tell him you respect him but make sure you have a list of reasons WHY you respect him as a test to see what happens in return. It's almost comical but I'm told by this author you will like the results! By the way, the book was called, " Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. It was a really good read and you should be able to find it in your local christian book store.
Millie - posted on 10/30/2009
God has to be our 1st Love. That we most admit that we are gonna need lot's of Jesus to help each step of the way because my love language is so opposite of my husband & only Jesus - helps us communicate. To allow Jesus to have a relationship with our Husbands..and recognize when we are trying to be Him (Jesus)- to repent if/when we try to be Jesus & then move out of the way. To allow God to bring our relationship back in line. Backed it up with Prayer & the Family of Christ's prayers for our marriage. Proposely Studying the Bible, taking time to meditate on his words, allowing ourselves to take a break from the cares of this world. To Spend as much time with the Holy Spirit & learn to recognize his voice. The Holy Spirit will confirm & guide you in all Matters - even our Marriages & the purpose of it. The results the Fruits of the Spirit :)... Marriage becomes a Adventure that beats anything the World has to offer, a fight worth going into battle for :)
Kelli - posted on 10/30/2009
I think prayer is a big part of it. I know if I wasn't praying for my husband daily we wouldn't be where we are today. We can't change our spouses only God can. I have also found it very helpful to always be reading a good marriage book. Power of a Praying Wife, Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, Love and Respect, Five Love Languages, and there are so many more.
knowing and honouring COVENANT. Unfortunately these days marriage seems to be more of a contract. Which is breakable and fragile and so on. Covenant is far more involved than that. It's unbreakable, it took more thought and sacrifice to get into, and is certainly something your not getting out of in a hurry. Love is not just a feeling but a choice. and when we commit to someone for the rest of our lives based on feelings, the rest of our lives wont ring true. as feelings are temporary and subject to change. It needs to be based on a quality unmoveable decision to love that person wether you feel like it or not. AGAPE love. unconditional. You cant "fall out of love" if you have made a decision. You might not FEEL like you love them sometimes because of disagreements or hard times, but thats too bad. your committed and you must honour your decision and promise to your spouse. "for as long as we both shall live" is now a catch frase. it used to be literal. So I think it takes these 3 things:
1. Not being led by your emotions but by the promise you made on your wedding day
2. Putting your partner first before yourself in all your ways. Marriage is all about your partner, not all about you
3. (and most importantly) knowing that God is in the middle, trusting and leaning on Him to build a beautiful marriage. Only He can help you love your partner the way they should be loved. Only He can lead and guide you through rightly and help you to be dilligent and true.
Rebekah - posted on 10/29/2009
A marriage takes at least one person committing to God fully to be the spouse God inteneded them to be, and realiseing that no marriage is perfect, but all our trials just help us grow. I agree that divorce is at an all time high, but I think you'll find most people soon find out that the grass is never greener on the otherside, and they generally end up with the same issues with thier new partners. For my husband and I we made a commitment that no maater what divorce was not an option, and that has been a good thing for me when we are going through hard times as i know no matter what we will work through them
Lisa - posted on 10/29/2009
My hubby and I have been married for ten years. I look at him and have no doubt that God in his infinite wisdom set this man aside for me, even when I didn't deserve the gift. My husband is proof that Gods kindness leads us to repentance. Having said that, it was really hard at first. We are complete and total opposites in personality. Where I am more laid back, he is anxious. Where I kind of fly by the seat of my pants, he has a plan for, quite literally, everything. Where I am disorganized he is very orderly. At first we fought and fought about things that related to these personality traits. The thing that has enriched our marriage the most and, at times, literally saved it, was when we quit thinking so selfishly. When you get married it quits being about you: doing things your way, having things your way, thinking through things your way. When we quit living inside ourselves and being angry because the person wasn't like us, and when we began allowing each other to be what we are and even rejoicing in it our life turned around. Our marriage turned around. Instead of telling God how frustrated I was that my husband couldn't let anything be, I started thanking him that I had a husband who cared enough for me to make sure that everything was taken care of. When I started letting my husband be the man God made him to be instead of the man I wanted him to be, I began to see how we truly fit together perfectly. We balance each other out in a great way. I calm him down and he keeps me grounded.
To make that long story really short, I think it takes total selflessness and understanding. Agape love only improves you. When you pray for and develop that for your spouse, you can handle just about anything.
Karen - posted on 10/29/2009
I have found in my marriage of almost 23 years that allowing God to be enough for me allowed me to let my husband off the hook. When I learned that God is the one that is suppose to supply ALL my needs it made a great differance in all my relationships. We tend to rely on our spouse & children to fullfill us. When it is God who fulfills us. My relationship with my savior as freed my husband from filling & fixing everything. I came to realize that God is enough for me & that my husband,children,friends & family were the blessings that He gives us. He gives & takes away & what ever His will is I will survive because of Him. This has helped me really enjoy my family because they don't have to be responsible for supplying my needs. They get to just be loved & charished.
Ginger - posted on 10/29/2009
I recently was reading in a bible study book by David Cook to find something in your partner that you treasure because where your treasure lies, there will be your heart also. Of course, I completly treasure my relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and in my husband I treasue his relationship with the Lord and I see those gifts that God gave to him and I treasure those. I have found in my marriage to always lift each other up. I am not an expert on marriage, but I also think sometimes, it is a choice. Are you willing or aren't you because where there is a will there is a way.
I think a successful marriage has always taken committment, hardwork, forgiveness, sacrifice and a choice to love no matter how unloveable they may be that day! Divorce can't be an option then you're forced to work out differences. You have to be willing to give and give and give without expecting a pay back. These wise ladies have quoted 1 Cor 13. My husband read this to me when he proposed. We decided before saying our vows that divorce would never be an option and that we would do our best to live these verses. Some days we have to work so hard to make our marriage a success, other days it's easier than breathing. I think both being believers and pulling for the same goals is important. But I don't consider myself an expert in marriage. I said my vows in 2003, so we're still young pups in this marriage deal!!!!
Carol - posted on 10/28/2009
Wow! You ladies are amazing! I came here to give advice and I got some!! Thanks! If I were to give some I would say patience and forgiveness! Love as most of us know it is an emotion. It comes and goes it has it's high and lows. But love as God intended is a commitment and is truly amazing. If I were to give one scripture it would be
1 Corinthians 13... Love is patient. Love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful nor conceited, nor rude, never selfish, not quick to take offenses. Love keeps no score of wrongs, ect... But instead of the word "love", I replace it with My own name. Carol is not rude, Carol is patient, Carol does not keep score, and so on. This has kept my faith! Not always perfect though this has strengthened my marriage.
Heather - posted on 10/28/2009
I think that it takes dedication, understanding, and a lot of love. If we look at 1 Corinthians 13, we will see that many people don't really understand what love really is.
1 Corinthians 13
1If I speak in the tongue of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
We have to understand that God loves us, and our spouse, and it's God's job to work on perfecting our spouse, not ours. It takes a lot of prayer and forgiveness, but God's word is full of scriptures to help us with that!
Anne - posted on 10/28/2009
Hi Kendra, when I say your question, I was reminded of a song by Steve and Annie Chapman from the early 80's. The Ships Are Burning. It was written based on the ships that were burnt by Cortez in the Spring of 1519.
Building Strong Marriages Through Gods Word.
Spring of 1519
Hernando Cortes had a plan, he wanted to lead an expedition into Mexico to obtain its many treasures. He presented his plan to the Spanish governor, who was so excited that he gave him eleven ships and seven hundred men. Cortes did not tell the men or the governor the complete plan. After months of travel the eleven ships landed in Veracruz. Cortes had the men unload everything from all eleven ships. As they headed into their new adventure the men turned back and saw all eleven ships burning! Their reaction was to fight back, as surely an enemy had initiated such an attack. Cortes halted the men, as this was in his plan, he had ordered the ships to all be burned. Cortes did not know what he and his men would encounter in their expeditions. What he did know was that by "Burning the Ships" he had completely eliminated their option of going back. At the same time creating an intensely powerful motivation to succeed.
www.burningships.com/ - Cached - Similar
Ladies and Gentlemen, we must Burn Our Ships for our Marriage. What ship do we have to burn? The option of divorce!
Once we take divorce out of our vocabulary the next step is to Love God more than you love yourself or your spouse. By doing these two things, yes you will still have to work hard to make your marriage be what God desires in a marriage, BUT the difference is that With God on your side you can have the marriage you desire.
I can say these things because my husband and I will be married 30 years in DEC. We have weathered our share of storms for 2 reasons. AS much as we love each other we love GOD more,and we have "Burnt our Ships" What Kim said in her response is a direct result of what can and will happen when you put God first.
Julie - posted on 10/28/2009
Hi Kendra, I agree with both of the other posts but I would add that trust is a key element. If you are both honest with each other then you will have a more harmonious relationship with less fighting and unnecessary concerns. Love one another, never go to bed mad, pray togehter, play together, worship together and chances are you'll stay together! Marraige is what you make of it, if you view it as making a covenant before God, then divorce is not an option, and it IS what it used to be. It's up to you, not society. Be blessed!
Cheryl - posted on 10/28/2009
I agree with Kim, you can not control or change your husband's behavior. But you can start becoming the woman he needs- a helpmate, a respectful confidant, an encourager. It's amazing how he responds when you change your attitude towards your marriage and relationship.
We've been married just over 10 years now, I come from a divorced home, he comes from an alomst divorced home. We agreed early on that the D word was never an option. We have times- especially with little ones, that we feel like we're not connecting but if you wait it out, talk it out, and set a date for together time... it can come back to balance.
How do you mean marriage is not what it was? When are you comparing it to: your early dating years, your parents or grandparents, or 100 years ago?? None are a realistic comparision- don't hold your husband to standards that he isn't aware of or agreed to. I know many couples who say their vows to each other every year, I wish we could but we lost ours and the video of it. But we do in many other ways too
Good luck and many blessings!
Hi Kendra, I think what it takes is being that person that you expect your partner to me. If you expect them to be giving then be giving, if you expect them to be considerate then be considerate. Want him to be kind then be kind. We are in n o way responsible for our spouses behavior but behaving according to God's word can have nothing but positive results. I've been married just over 9 years and I was looking for a way out in the early days. Now I would not dream of being married to anyone else. He's amazing!!!
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