When is it not Talking Back but just answering?

Sabrena - posted on 02/15/2012

I agree ”Tone” and ”Tude” sets backtalk apart from ”Just,answering”... I like the role playing suggestion... Good Stuff.

Fancy Granny (Sabrena)

Jo Anne - posted on 02/13/2012

Thank you Angela. Yes, Yash is mature..when he wants to be, LOL but I am thankful for his wanting to ease this tension between us and for all of your responses. I AM blessed! Hugsss

Jo Anne - posted on 02/13/2012

Chelly, thanks for being so open and candid! Yes, I will try to help him as much as possible, and you are right cos i can see his frustration and when both of us are "heated" up then we are not going to hear anything.

Angela - posted on 02/13/2012

Chelly's response below is SO RIGHT and looking at it from her point of view has actually helped ME evaluate a few things from the past. It's very true that some parents will regard ANY response, no matter how relevant and justified as backchat and this is probably VERY frustrating for a child.



You're very lucky really, Jo Anne. Your son has been sensible enough to raise this issue with you because he wants to clarify how to give his response without his words being categorised as backchat. I'm very impressed at his maturity in approaching you.



For me, the accusations of backchat when I was a youngster were SO infuriating that this one issue - more than any other concern of parental discipline - has bugged me for years. So much so that I NEVER, EVER challenged my own children on any communication between us that might have been seen as backchat by other adults. I feel that even when you're angry with your kids, it's still important to keep communicating. Communication means listening as well as speaking.



Parenthood's a journey - we don't all walk this journey by the same route. When we reach the destination (which is a child who has matured to adulthood and hopefully learned some fundamental lessons for life along the way) some of us - probably most of us - can look back to stages along that journey where we could have made it easier for ourselves and our offspring. But we all know hindsight is a 20/20 vision! Better to have good strategies beforehand!



Effective communication with our kids can make it an easier road for all concerned!



Good luck to you and your son. You're both in my prayers!

Chelly - posted on 02/12/2012

It's if he's being disrespectful in his response. Some people find that any response is back-talk or a response that they don't want. Like my parents asking me a question when I was a teenager... Sometimes I DID respond with sas and that's disrespectful and definitely back-talk. However sometimes they asked a question that I responded honestly or gave my opinion and that was considered back-talk when really it was me disagreeing with them and they didn't like that.



I remember getting in trouble for back talk A LOT and never understanding what the heck it was. It was incredibly frustrating to be in trouble for something that my parents didn't understand either. I would recommend teaching your son how to be respectful, in some situations that may require a smile 'yes sir' etc. Similar to if we were in a situation where someone gives you a comment about your parenting... You can back-talk by responding with sas or something smart, smiling and moving on, or responding in a way that say 'I understand where you're coming from, this is where I'm coming from'.



The biggest part of my back-talk growing up really was my opinions were SO much different than that of my parents. My parents would be flat out wrong and would never ever admit it and me being right was back-talk. So it would be wise to also evaluate each situation to understand where he's coming from. If he's upset and you're pushing the issue, that's an opening for back-talk and attitude so taking a break from the situation and coming back to it when both of you have had time to think about it and you can LISTEN (notice I didn't say talk) then you can really reduce the back talk. It may just be he has something to say and no one actively listening.

Carla - posted on 02/11/2012

Click on our picture, it should bring up our profiles. Under our pix, there is a message button. Click, and viola! there we are.



God bless hon

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

How do you send private messages?

Carla - posted on 02/11/2012

Jo Anne, God is watching over you, and He will be Yash's father and your Protector.



There's a great bunch of women here in this community, and I urge you to come here often, even if you don't have a problem at the moment. They are sweet, loving, encouraging and will be great friends to you, as they have been to me. Feel free to private message any of us, I can almost guarantee you they will knock themselves out to help you.



God bless, darling

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

I cannot tell you how much I truly appreciate this! And yes, it is tough. Jr thought so too, lol. But I think its kinda tougher since I am a single mom. Yash's dad walked out on us about 4 yrs ago. BUT!..I have you and all these ladies and my own awesome family members and some crazy amazing friends! Thank you sweet Carla so much. God bless.

Carla - posted on 02/11/2012

Good, Jo Anne, we HAVE to keep reinforcing our rules and being consistent. Can you remember when you were young? My parents were hopelessly old-fashioned, had not the vaguest idea of what real 'life' was, and I, of course, knew SO much better than they. My children felt that way, and I'm sure their kids will feel the same way. I firmly believe that we need to constantly be repeating the words that will help them prepare for adulthood--sometime, somewhere, these words will surface, and they will take them to heart. My son was talking to one of his girls (he was relating this to me afterwards), and he said 'Mom, I heard you coming out of my mouth!' We both had a good laugh. At the time, I was SURE he wouldn't remember anything I had told them, but it was down inside somewhere, and when he needed it, it was there.



When Jesus was 12 (one year before his bar mitzvah, the ritual of becoming a man), He stayed behind when His parents left Jerusalem. He was still in the temple, two days later, when His frantic parents found Him. Although He understood His mission, His parents didn't! He went back home and was subject to His parents from then on. Mary had to rebuke Him, and He accepted it and 'behaved' Himself from then on. So you see, it is our duty to teach them Life. What would have happened to Him if He had a mother that didn't take the time to discipline and teach? Thank God, He gave His Son a good woman that God knew would fulfill her duty.



Being a mom is rough! Pray hard, both you and your husband, that you give him every tool you have to carry on.



God bless, darling!

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

Thank you Anne. I will definitely have another talk with that young man of mine. Thanks so much again everyone!

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

I hear you loud and clear Clara. being fair. I have been accused of just that - being unfair and yes, i know I have to and doing it the whole day can really wear you down. I have taken away a privilege or two, had made him give you a portion of his allowance, AND even added a chore to his duties, and all that. They do work..but only for a very short while...i know i know..consistancy. AND yes, I KNOW that someone is gonna come along and clean his clock because such attitude is just so not acceptable. Last year he has some problems with one of his teachers. sigh..



thank you for praying for me and yes, i know it will be worth it, cos other than this attitude thing, he is such a wonderful helpful loving boy.

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

Yes, Leslie, I do understand what you mean, coz sometimes i can see him trying and getting frustrated and being asian doesnt help, if you know what i mean. I like that one word reminder..I will try that out too!..One week you say?..hmm...PLEASE LORD!

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

Awesome idea Jane! I think i will just try that! ..now why didnt i think of that - role playing...sigh..

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

Michelle, unfortunately he is able to talk back even with rational voice. He has never shouted at me, but is so quick to reply and being smug about it...I see it clearly as having a kind of attitude, you know what i mean?

Jo Anne - posted on 02/11/2012

Kimberly, I have tried, and you are right, it is in the attitude, and I do have a problem with that. And thanks for your insight.

Angela - posted on 02/10/2012

Anne, you're right - words themselves are emotive, as well as tone of voice. A child may, in his or her innocence feel that saying "just so you know" is pretty much the same as saying "I really wanted you to have all the facts as I see them". Short popular phrases which may not be "slang" in themselves sometimes seem extra-annoying to the adult hearing them, when the words are emerging from the mouth of a child.



Also, when a lot of shouting is coming from the adult and the child feels browbeaten, they wish to assert a little power of their own by raising their own voices and additionally using a short popular phrase to put over their point because they don't feel they going to get listened to for long enough to use a longer sentence. (not implying that YOU shouted at your kids Anne, but many parents do!). Any slang or teen-speak doesn't go down well in these confrontations either.



I've found, as I've grown older, that verbal confrontations with adults can be handled better by a calm, no-nonsense assertion of the facts. I've been on the receiving end of adults swearing, cursing, yelling, using offensive language and generally being very rude and insulting. As annoying as this is - I've found out what annoys me even more. If a person speaks to me without shouting, takes care to speak very clearly and correctly (no slang or grammatical errors in speech) speaks in a manner which most British people would classify as a "posh voice" or talking "nicely", in crisp, clipped tones - with maybe 2 or 3 long words included - then this is a tremendous put-down and makes a person feel small. But of course if you respond back to them in the same way you can turn the tables.



I can deal with a "curser" and go away thinking to myself "They just made themselves look ignorant ..." A "posh" person makes me a lot angrier! But the remembering the "posh" trick is a great way to put someone in their place - if you need to.



Communication is SO versatile, isn't it?!?!?!

Anne - posted on 02/10/2012

Our youngest daughter was what I would have called a back talker almost from the day she started to talk. We lived with YEARS of her telling me "Just so you know" I asked her one day when we were NOT having an issue with back talking, "why do you always. Say just so you know" when you know it is going to push my buttons and end you n your room. Her response was "I really wanted you to have all the facts as I see them" after thinking for a few minutes I told her I would not see you wording your response as disrespect if you worded it like this---- Mom can I tell you how I see this problem---- I also reminded her that the tone of her voice was also important. This changed our relationship.



For a child as young as your child the advice given that talked about showing your son the difference between how he says something is often more important than what you sat. I hope this has helped.

Angela - posted on 02/10/2012

What an excellent question! Wish I’d thought of it when young! I was constantly accused of talking back as a youngster. Constantly - and it wasn’t always “backchat” in my view. Having a parent levelling this at me as a teenager was especially irritating because if it followed my response to an unjust accusation or judgement I would further qualify by saying “I’m not backchatting here – I’m defending myself and telling you how things actually ARE!” Back chat was also referred to as “cheeky back answers” yet to my mind, if my response was a QUESTION – then how could it be a back answer?



My father’s firm attitude was that you must ALWAYS accept a rebuke from parents without question, even if totally unjustified. If the parent was totally wrong or mistaken, this was just hard luck – we had to accept it. This was never, ever going to happen for me. And I started off by seeing myself on equal terms with my parents – though as time went on I started to see myself as superior.



The same parents though would expect me to defend myself, speak up for myself etc … with others (children, my peers and adults) – and show their extreme disappointment, scorn and annoyance if I didn’t!



I understand that tone (and volume) of voice plays a part in whether the child’s comments/response can be classified as backchat or genuine communication. Adopting a sarcastic tone, a sugary-sweet condescending tone, use of popular/current teenage slang or “buzz words” etc … these don’t go down well. Also body language, facial expression etc … My mother was big on detecting a “cheeky” demeanour, a disrespectful look on the face etc … and reacting to it. Even when there were no words coming out of the mouth! I think this is the old concept of “dumb insolence”.



Eye rolling, eyes narrowing, certain movements of lips, teeth, tongue & jaw, scratching, cocking head to one side, raising eyebrows etc … Shifting body weight to one side, putting the hand on the hip, showing sudden interest in one’s clothing, checking one’s watch, foot-tapping, checking one’s appearance in a nearby mirror, examining one’s fingernails – the list goes on! My mother hated all of these. When any of these movements were necessary or innocent (I mean they weren’t adopted in order to annoy or irritate the parent telling me off for something) my mother STILL insisted they were deliberate and calculated.



It got to the stage where if I made a deliberate effort to keep my face neutral and without expression at all, and my body straight and upright (so I couldn’t be accused of any kind of insolence) I would still be accused of looking cheeky, defiant and disrespectful. Looking back, I’m assuming that the only acceptable demeanour after being told off by a parent was obvious sorrow and shame! I always liked clear, proud eye-contact though.



Another thing that annoys parents is when you listen to the telling off, behave & respond “appropriately” – but – as soon as it’s over say something to either the parent or a nearby sibling (something on a totally different topic) in a bright cheerful tone of voice. Like they’ve just read you the riot act over por school grades, the state of your bedroom or whatever, and you’ve took it on board satisfactorily then, the very second this encounter is over, you say to the nearest person (loudly, excitedly and happily) “Hey! Guess who I saw today?” and start chatting animatedly about what’s on TV, the food for the next mealtime, the weather or anything. Brilliant tactic for bouncing back, a subtle way of putting the parents in their place and absolutely NO room for them to accuse you of backchat, rudeness etc .. I wholeheartedly recommend this to anyone who has been subjected to a telling off – whether from a parent, a colleague/boss, neighbour – whatever.



Years of persecution as a victim can bring forth some great strategies for defence.

Carla - posted on 02/10/2012

I think the role-playing is an excellent idea. If he can actually hear what the back talk sounds like, he can start modifying his answer.



You also have to take this problem on a case-by-case basis. Our 5-almost 6 y/o grandson and I have this go-around every now and then. His thing is whining his answer, which is very irritating. As he is talking to me, I remind him to talk in a normal tone of voice, don't whine, AND, once I tell him that's enough, I expect that to be the end of it. If not, he goes in the naughty corner. The other day he was making this noise while we were driving home from school. His sister asked him to stop, I asked him twice to stop, he didn't. I then told them when we got home, I would take them in the back yard and they could make noises and Faith could scream all they wanted (we have this thing that if they want to be loud, I will take them into the back yard, and THAT'S where they can be irritating and I can get out of earshot ;)). We were getting out of the car and they asked me something, to which I responded okay. Grant made the noise again, so I told him to go in the house and get in the naughty spot. He started saying 'but Grammy, I thought you were telling me okay to make noise!' I said 'you KNOW I had told you to wait til we got in the back yard'. He got highly agitated, but I put him in the naughty spot anyway. His dad came in while he was in the corner, and after his time was up, he went to complain to his dad. I came in, got him on my lap and explained my side, but he couldn't get past his point of view. Finally we got over it, but he felt I wasn't being fair. Sometimes what we have to do doesn't seem fair, but in the long run, it's what we have to do to get the discipline done. If he continues to talk back after you have showed him how it sounds, take away a privilege, make him give you a portion of his allowance, or add a chore to his duties, whatever.



If we don't get this bad habit out of them, someone is gonna come along that won't take kindly to it and he may get his clock cleaned ;) It also doesn't go over well with teachers.



God bless, sweetheart, pray for wisdom and grace to get through the years to come. You will NEVER be the same after getting through the teen years ;) But it IS worth it!

Leslie - posted on 02/09/2012

It is all in the tone of the answer. I have found that kids who talk back are so used to doing it that they don't realize that they are. (I hope that makes sense:))



With my 14 year old daughter, when she would answer me with the attitude, I started just saying the word "tone". She had no idea that she was being disrespectful because she was talking the way she normally did, just with an attitude. After a few weeks of the tone being pointed out to her, the back talking all but stopped. She was able to learn how to talk to me without the attitude. This approach also showed her that she was respected in the fact that she wasn't getting lectured on the "correct" way to speak to people. I just explained to her that it was my job as her mother to teach her to be a responsible and respectful person.

Jane - posted on 02/09/2012

What Michelle said. The way in which something is said leads to it being classified as back talk or simply answering a question.



You might try modeling exercises with your son. Demonstrate to him what an answer would sound like if it is being given as back talk, and then say it again as if it were simply an answer to a question. Then have your son do it with several different phrases. You can even develop a signal with him to warn him when he is back-talking instead of answering.

Michelle - posted on 02/09/2012

I would explain to him that if he is talking in a rude manner then that is inappropriate if he answers in a rational tone of voice that is just answering a question

Kimberly - posted on 02/09/2012

I used to a back talker and I knew when I was doing it, if he is answering a question with attitude or being smart in his answer then that would be back chatting to me but if he is giving you the answer he feels is right even if you dont agree with it then that the answer he gave. dont know if this helps at all