Why do I have to stay with my husband?

Lisa - posted on 12/16/2011 ( 44 moms have responded )

5

0

0

Confusion. Frustration. Feel like about to throw a towel.. finished! It hurts ! It hurt my trust repeatly over years!! I dont know what I should do??? My mind is overwhelmed with few choices I choose is to dump my husband or try working out?? I am so exhausted and not want to go through AGAIN! Sick feelings/emotions.

Just recently, I felt giving up my marriage and my husband confessed that he watched the porns repeat .... he doesnt stop. He relieved himself as well.. . we didnt have much sex, that I noticed lately.

First of all, years ago, He had the lust problems for women, even porns on websites.. then he molested one of my daughters.... he was removed fromour home-separated. He was in a jail for only one day, out and went to the court... he was charged with the condition and 2 years on probation.I was about filing the divorce with him but somehow God worked in my heart for the forgiveness. Before he moved back in , he had sex with two hookers....but I gave him the chance. we went to the counselling for few yrs...

Over years since we reconciled , he still does the porn websites. i told him that was wrong and he knew that. We went to the christian marriage sermon, christians retreats. I work alone for supporting my family, and he doesnt work at a real job for 16 yrs... i told him to getoff his butts to go and work to help supporting our living needs.. he sleeps in late, always. I started feeling fed up.

I work lot and sleep overnighty at work... thats why he peeked on the porn websites while i was not there at home. I feel very betrayed. Why should i stay with him? I dont deserve to that mess that my hsuband made over our marriage! I cant trust him again, cant! Over and over he hammered my trusts for years...i told him that he should stay the single and not marry me because he liked to do the things that hurt me lot , nonstop!

Any feedback or pray for me...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Rachel - posted on 12/17/2011

444

43

130

I personally would not allow someone who did something like to that to my daughter back in my home he could do it again. You are not protecting your daughter by staying with him. Just think what your daughter would be thinking to be around him all the time. that is if she was old enough to know at the time he molested her. I will tell you something from someone who was molested my self it is hard to see the person after they have done something like that to you and she will also lose trust in you for not protecting her and allowing him back in the house. also if he did it before what is stopping him from doing it again. Please get out for your daughters they need you to be strong for them!!!

Pat - posted on 12/22/2011

282

0

17

Carlas post is right and brought to mind some stuff I went through when it first came out that my husband molested my daughter, he wanted me to pray about it, told me how he had wanted to tell me about it for a long time, couldn't we handle it through the church and let God help him...you name it..just to not be held legally responsible. He hid behind the bible and tried to use it to stay out of trouble. The few times I've had conact with me, does he ask how my oldest is? How about the 2 girls he made? No. He does a poor liitle me, but praying and waiting on God thing. And if I lay into him at all,he doesn't want to be in contact. Not that I should be anyway. Point being...they are manipulative and know how to work us. Even when we think we are strong. They know. Your daughter might be out..but still. That tendency rarely goes away,and if it were the case with your husband, he would also be repentant of his porn addiction. It does lead to actual unfaithfulness and likely more hookers. The fantasy online has to be taken to the real world sooner or later....

Carla - posted on 12/22/2011

4,285

83

120

@Angela, whether the daughter is in the house or not, a pedophile will find someone else to prey on, whether she's in the house or not. My aunt's husband molested her little granddaughter (his step-granddaughter). She moved him out immediately, but didn't press charges. He would come to our church and our pastor assigned people to follow him around while he was on the property (this man's daughters were married to the pastor's sons). Our pseudo-daughter's father molested every female that came in their door. No charges were ever pressed. Do you see a pattern here? These men are master manipulators and count on women feeling sorry for them so they aren't held accountable for their sick, perverted deeds. I personally feel if we know about a situation like this, it is our responsibility to report them to law enforcement.

We think if we pray for them they will get better, but unless they TRULY give their lives over to Jesus and cast that spirit out (through corporate prayer with the church or a pastor, singly) they will continue to look for prey. I pray that all the women in this community, if they are living with a person like this, will do the hard thing, and turn them in.

God bless, all. This is a hard subject, but I think it's good we open it up and let a little light into it.

Linda - posted on 12/17/2011

896

5

163

I also am not an advocate for divorce, but infidelity is a Biblical reason to divorce. However, my biggest concern would also be for your daughter, especially if you are working late and he is home with the girls. That issue notwithstanding, if your husband has been unfaithful and has not repented and is addicted to porn, then I would have him at least move out until he can prove that he has changed. Furthermore, he is not supporting you if he hasn't worked for 16 years. Therefore, there can be no benefit financially to keeping him around. I think I would at least separate....and then pray a lot for God to change him.

Angela - posted on 01/01/2012

2,433

9

321

Lisa, Eleanor and anyone else faced with a similar dilemma - I'm pleased you can draw strength from our comments. However I'd be the first to admit it's a lot harder when you're the one in the hotseat who has to make these tough decisions.

It's always said that the spectator sees more of the game. But the spectator can go home afterwards and forget all about it. Let's not forget ladies that it's easy to advise when the issue being discussed isn't our personal problem.

Everyone with tough family decisions to make, you're in my prayers, be strong and make the right judgement.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

44 Comments

View replies by

Carla - posted on 02/03/2012

4,285

83

120

Thank you, ladies, for all your support for Lisa. I feel she has been given our opinions, and I hope that everyone is praying for her. I do think it's time to close this thread, though. Lisa, please update us when you can.



God bless, all

Angela - posted on 02/03/2012

2,433

9

321

Bec Russell has given the very best answer here of anyone on this thread.



Yes, in ever so many ways, he's failing to love and cherish you. He's had loads of chances over the years yet he keeps on abusing you, your children, your home and your trust.



Time to see that enough is enough!

Bec - posted on 02/02/2012

2

3

0

You don't, divorce is not the sin, its the abuse, the neglect and the lack of care that is the sin, which leads to divorce. My pastor preached those words above and then I had the courage to leave. Its been a hard road, but myself and the kids are 100 times happier. You also have to remember that in the bible times when the Lord said, you can't divorce your wife, it was because if a man did on a whim, she had no where to go and no way to support herself and unless her father took her back she was out on the street. Thank God these days the world is a different place, woman can care for themselves without a man if she chooses and does not have to put up with any form of abuse. Remember your vows "to love and to cherish" people forget that to marry someone and then to fail to "love and to cherish" is a violation of the wedding vows. I honestly think I could forgive a moment of infidelity on my husbands part given certain circumstances than forgive years of deliberate lack of "loving and cherishing" You can forgive but still move on for your own health and well-being and that of your children. The fact that he molested a child of yours is enough for you to leave if only for the mental well being of that child even if you feel it is a sacrifice for you. To live everyday with a man who hurt you like that is hell on earth and no one should have to endure it. When she is old enough she may repair the relationship with her father and forgive him, and spend some time in his company, but that should be her choice not yours, personally I think he should be in jail.. problem solved!

Casey - posted on 02/02/2012

16

10

0

I am praying that you find the answer you are looking for.



If it was me, I couldnt bare seeing him, knowing what he has done. I am all for working things out, but there are exceptions and I believe hurting a child in any way is the exception. It is our duty to protect our kids, and even if the molestation has stoped, the emotional hurt has not.



I dont even think I could stay with my husband if he watched porn, not the amount your are suggesting. That would make me feel like I am not good enough. He has a lot of issues that he needs to work out. I almost want to say he is sick and should seek medical help.



I commend you for trying to work things out, but sweetheart he doesn't work, he watches porn and he doesn't see anything wrong with touching a child. You are supporting a man that isn't a Man. You need a real man to make you, and your kids feel safe and that will support you!



I dont blame you for feeling sick or confused, I would be sick everyday with this on my plate. Best of Luck!

Angela - posted on 02/02/2012

2,433

9

321

Try singing this song to him if he's still at your house ...







It helps if his name's "Jack" but even if it isn't, he should get the message!

Jesse - posted on 01/30/2012

46

2

1

I will start by saying who cares if he watches porn, but how could you let him back into your home after he molested your daughter, look im sorry but that is so wrong! you should have never let him back into your life or your child's life, your poor little girl! she may be a grown up now but it doesn't change what he did! LEAVE HIM! he is a horrible person who does not deserve you or a family! anyone that is prepared to damage there daughter in such a way is sic and does not deserve what god as given them to look after and love.....

I just do not understand. your daughter should always come first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anne - posted on 01/30/2012

2,759

82

625

Lisa I just wanted to let you know I am continuing to Pray for you and your family.

Sherrine - posted on 01/30/2012

41

23

2

Any man that molested any of my children, father or not, husband or not, will NEVER be allowed back into my household or near my children. As a woman that has been molested when I was a child, I take situations like this personally and as mothers it is our JOB to protect our children from anyone that is a threat to them regardless of how YOU feel towards that person that is a threat to the children. I dnt believe in divorce either but that is just unacceptable, him staying in your home, what kind of message is that sending your daughter, she may be thinking that you are saying to her that what he did was ok, and she may go on the rest of her life thinking that it's ok for men to take what they want from her when they want it and won't have a repercussions.

Angela - posted on 01/30/2012

2,433

9

321

Sorry if I've offended anyone!



Carla's right, none of us have the right to get offensively eloquent against others.



Good job we don't have "thought Police", LOL!!

Carla - posted on 01/30/2012

4,285

83

120

Please, ladies, let's try to watch the way we refer to each other's spouses. We may not like what they do, but they are still poor lost sinners, who need Jesus.



Thank you

Angela - posted on 01/30/2012

2,433

9

321

OK - it's been over a month since you first posted with this issue on here. Christmas has been & gone (just in case you didn't want to end the relationship before Christmas - yes, this has come up before so if that was your concern you wouldn't be the first person to feel this way!!).



Question is: HAS HE GONE YET?



Firstly, he's disinclined to work for a living - but doesn't mind YOU doing so. So you provide him with a nice home, feed & clothe him and pay for Internet connection so he can indulge in his porn addiction and sit around on his backside.



I don't personally believe that viewing, using or paying for porn is linked with being unfaithful, molesting minors or giving unwanted sexual attention inappropriately to anybody. BUT all of these - including use of the porn - are unacceptable behaviours. You have made it clear that you're not happy with his interest in pornography - I would be the same. But his secrecy and then covering by lying about it is even worse. Lack of honesty is a far more serious problem than using porn.



And inappropriate behaviour towards others - namely sexual molestation of minors - is worse yet.



So, I'll ask again - ARE YOU STILL WORKING TO FEED, CLOTHE, SHELTER AND GENERALLY PROVIDE FOR THIS DISRESPECTFUL, PORN-ADDICTED, REVOLTING PARASITE?



I'm praying for your freedom, your autonomy and your peace of mind.

Lori - posted on 01/28/2012

3

0

0

It seems like you should leave him. At least for the safety of your daughters... I can't help but wonder if he has continued to molest them seeing as he continues to watch porn and feed his lust! You are gone at night and who is protecting the girls then? I personally don't judge my husband who is an unbeliever for looking at porn. I don't agree with it but he has to answer to God for his own actions. As long as you don't put your foot down and make guidelines he will continue as he has been. I think leave him, and if he wants to change great. As for the working part, make him pay child support!

Joanna - posted on 01/28/2012

5

13

1

I'm sure you have probably made your decision by now but I'm going to offer my 2 cents anyway. First, like stated, your obligation as his wife ended when he did what he did with the porn and with your daughter. Next, the one question that stayed in my head throughout reading your posts and the replies is that you stated he went through counseling for the porn and for the molestation. Now that he is participating in watching porn and etc again, what is to stop him from molesting again? Get out and get far away and do so legally - you have every right to sole custody for your child(ren) after what he has done, so fight for it and for yourself and for your peace of mind. I'll be praying for you and for your family.

Julie - posted on 01/24/2012

13

0

3

I'm not sure how you could ever forgive a man for molesting your daughter... that's a slap in the face to your daughter. He needs to GO...NOW.

Deborah - posted on 01/20/2012

256

8

16

You've already made your decision hon. Leave. there are no advantages to staying with someone who does nothing but hurt you all the time. Unless you can come up with a post this long of reasons TO stay with him, then there aren't any reasons that would cancel out anything in this post. It will be hard, but since you are already supporting your family, it won't be nearly as hard as you think.



Sounds like he's about as worthless as they can get. Stop supporting him and his child-like habits of porn and the like.

Destiney - posted on 01/20/2012

5

0

0

prayers changes everything but what you need you to do is leave and dont turn back. You all ready did your best to work things out and it did not work. Its going to be hard but just move on .

Lorraine - posted on 01/07/2012

17

0

2

Wow this is a difficult one to deal with brought tears to my eyes while reading all the posts. This i am sure of Prays can heal anything.

But i have to agree with the ladies here you have to make him leave you can not be at work and wondering what stupidness he is up to. Think of it he knows he depends on you financially and he may not touch your children again but what about other children around him that he may come into contact with.



Will be praying for you that God give you the strenght to do what you have to do and to heal you and your children broken hearts.

Taranah - posted on 01/06/2012

12

14

0

BTW. The things that he has done is unacceptable and if he is not willing to change; then it is up to you to stay or not. Blessings

Taranah - posted on 01/06/2012

12

14

0

Also most important; Read your bible. Start in the book of John. Praying for you

Taranah - posted on 01/06/2012

12

14

0

I understand your pain.. I suggest; if you still want your marriage; to get in prayer. Get filled with the holy ghost if you have not and fast. Talk to another true, spirit filled pastor about the holy spirit and how it can change your marriage. The holy spirit can take care of things you can't! It will also help you get some strength while going through. You can either trust god or not. If you choose to put your marriage in Gods hands and really trust Him; He will not disapoint you! Also, I have experienced some of the same things you have in my marriage. Jesus is the only way! Let Jesus change you and him. Many blessings.

Pat - posted on 01/04/2012

282

0

17

to the ladies who are going through this.. i am ahead of you on this journey. and i will tell you. it isnt easy.BUT its the right thing to do. There will be days when you know without a doubt you did the right thing. There will be days when you are lonely and longing for your 'normal' family and routines and will wonder if you did do the right thing. Removing a pedophile from your home is the right thing.period. keep leaning on Gods promises. Trust Him. I have no idea why this was allowed in my life. but i do know there is some reason for it. i dont understand why i am going through even more grief in other areas, as if that wasnt enough, but i do know God is using all of this. He doesnt call us to understand, just to trust, and i know even that isnt always easy. keep promises close by.memorize verses.. it gets better, takes some time, but it gets better,

Eleanor - posted on 01/01/2012

4

22

0

Thanks Angela but what makes the issue real is when you go through it and that I have. Its up to you to make the choice....Someone once told me in life certain situations are as good as there gonna get. For some people its you who have to make the change becuase the other person is not.

Carla - posted on 01/01/2012

4,285

83

120

@Eleanor, good for you, sweetheart! I pray God holds you and your little ones tightly!

Eleanor - posted on 01/01/2012

4

22

0

Wow God Bless every commenter on this board. It has given me strength becuase I too am going through some things and I put my husband out after thirteen years. I rather come home alone to a Happy Home than to come home to one of my children dead or hurt!

Carla - posted on 12/27/2011

4,285

83

120

And, Angela, from my personal accounts with my brothers, it comes from huge egos! 'I can have whoever I want, because I am beautiful (which they are/were).

I hope, if nothing else, that this thread empowers women to speak up, speak out against these persons.

God bless us, every one!

Angela - posted on 12/26/2011

2,433

9

321

They don't want to be legally accountable because it impacts on their public reputation, their job, their employability - everything. Some churches have been know to "cover up" and deal with it internally -


http://www.ethicsdaily.com/news.php?view...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...

http://abuseclaims.wordpress.com/2007/08...

http://religiouschildabuse.blogspot.com/...


Ensure that child abusers face up to their sin within the legal structure of common law. Only then can the issue be addressed with their Church.

Angela - posted on 12/21/2011

2,433

9

321

I was married to a man (my first husband) who abused me emotionally and sexually - and financially. He never molested any of our children. I know I did the right thing by getting myself and my children away from him. I even came to pity him in later years. It's better to pity someone than to hate them. This man is manipulating you and the home situation. I have picked up on the point you made about your daughter he abused, and that she's now an adult and is living independently (something the other contributors don't seem to have taken on board, going by their posts). He has life "cushy" (as we say in the UK). He doesn't work but makes the excuse that you being out at work gives him the right to look at porn sites etc ... You're worthy of better than this. Most women, whether or not they're Christians, would not entertain a man who abused their child.

Ask him to leave, and if he won't, leave yourself.

Bottom line is, I got rid of a better man than the one you're staying with.

Good luck. See him on his way and start afresh.

My prayers are with you.

Pat - posted on 12/20/2011

282

0

17

I have been where you are. i found out last year that my husband molested my daughter. i immediately removed him from our home. it was my daughter from a previous marriage, but we also had two little girls together. This is after he had had sex with a prostitute when our youngest was only 5 weeks old. I am all for forgiveness. and you have tried to make your marriage work. in this case.. remove him from the home before he hurts your daughter. if he was truly repentant, he wouldnt be on porn sites. your absence is no excuse for that. if he cant/wont control himself in that area, how long before he does other things. You can forgive him without subjecting yourself or your daughter to the possible harm that could come her way. i know its scary. Its been a year since he has been out of our house. its NOT easy. my little girl asks for him still, my oldest is bitter, i get lonely and bitter. BUT, that is what the love and grace of God is all about. He will never leave you nor forsake you, He will see you through this. Feel free to message me, there is so much more i can say, but dont want to drag the post out. there is also a site called yuku which has a community called christian wives of addicts. its mostly women with husband who are addicted to sex and porn. any man seeing hookers has a problem. cheating is one thing, there is a different element involved with prostitution and porn addiction. im guessing there is some emotional manipulation going on over there also. these men like to control. you are a child of God and need to be respected and loved. please message me. i know how you are hurting. but i promise, it gets better. takes time and a lot of prayer and quite a range of emotions, but it gets better.

Jamie - posted on 12/19/2011

185

2

1

Oh goodness...I am so sorry for what you are going through.

If you actually read the texts where it talks about marital unfaithfulness in it's original language, it explains it a lot better. It isn't only talking about adultery- it is a broader term.

However, your husband fits even the most confined English description.

As follower of Jesus you need to show your daughters what a strong woman of God does. And that is not cower and accept what this man has done to every one. After being molested your child is at great risk for becoming a victim repeatedly later in life. I remember interviewing one of the women who was molested as a child, and she said it was because her mother stayed with the boyfriend that molested her that she felt the deepest wound.

You don't sound happy and your husband is not being faithful. He has wounded your family in the most damaging ways.

He needs to seek help, and it sounds like even if he has - it's not enough. He's still slipping back. You can be supportive of his treatment and not be with him. Do no enable him by staying with him.

You and your daughters are worth so much more than that! You are not doing anything wrong by leaving him.

Feel free to private message me about this. I've worked with a lot of trauma victims and I am more than happy to refer you to a Christian counselor and people who will help pull you out of this.

The hardest part is leaving for good. Once you get a little more separated for the situation you will see it in a new light.

Angie - posted on 12/19/2011

254

28

25

I'm not an advocate for divorce either...why I waited until I was 35 because I finally felt that forever feeling ~ I don't know why people change, I don't know why people do some of the things they do, but I do know my God wants me to be happy, yes, there's everyday life struggles over bills, over kids, marriage is work ~ but when you are both not working at it and you are in so much pain and no trust - Lord knows what he's "sneaking" around to do all day while you are working to provide, nobody deserves that..you deserve to be happy...prayers your way to find some peace with a decision

Lisa - posted on 12/19/2011

5

0

0

rachel, my social worker and i worked on it through counsellings with him... he improved not to molest them again... but only the thing is that he still does the porns which disgusted me! my daughter is older enough , living on her own now
and i asked her if he did again ,and she said no he never touched her ever after that happened... my daughter doesnt blame me because i didnt know and she saw how hard i worked to protect them by cousnellings to help them etc...

Lisa - posted on 12/19/2011

5

0

0

Teresa, I had seen several counsellings and my husband also saw few counsellings before he moved in.. seemed that he doesnt know how to stop the porns .. i rather live on myself with childrne alone so i can have the good healthy living, agreed

Proud - posted on 12/18/2011

269

28

4

If my husband molested my child he would have been out of my life forever.

I'm sorry but RARELY do pedophiles rehabilitate. By having him back in the household you are putting your child in danger

Carla - posted on 12/18/2011

4,285

83

120

Sorry, sweetheart, but I've gotta echo what the other women have said. Pedophiles rarely, and I mean RARELY get rehabilitated. My brothers both had sex with my little 14 y/o step-niece (one her step-father, one her uncle). My sis-in-law tried, as you did, to forgive and go on, but she absolutely couldn't. Her grandson (and we don't know if her grandchild is her step-son, grandson or nephew, very convoluted mess) looks like our side of the family, and every time she looked at him, the horror of this situation is relived.

I, like Linda and Teresa, am NOT an advocate for divorce, HOWEVER, in situations like this, I can't see God not standing behind you leaving this man. I am going to message one of the girls on this community and have her message you. She is going through the same thing, and I think she can give you some words of hope.

God bless

[deleted account]

Are your daughters still in the home?

I'm really not an advocate for divorce, but biblically speaking... adultery is a way out. I couldn't trust him either. I guess my only positive feedback is to seek a Christian counselor for yourself. I'm sorry!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms