My 15yr old daughter thinks she is in love with a 19yr old boy

Wendy - posted on 05/13/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughter who has never given me any trouble, is a straight A student, and is a christian thinks she is in love with a boy she met at church that is 19. He seems crazy about her also. I have heard only wonderful things about this boy from other parents in the church. Since she is not old enough to date, I told her that the only way that she could see him was if he came over to our house when we were home or at they could see each other at church. I know that they tell each other that they love one another. He has been nothing but respectful to us and seems to treat her very well. I felt ok about this relationship since he is a christian and there were strict guidelines that I put on their seeing one another. I just found out tonight though, that he has been sneeking into her room at night through the window. I am hurt and feel stupid for thinking that this relationship could be ok since there is such a big age difference. She does not know that I know yet and I dont know how to confront her about it. I dont know what the consequence should be either. I want to take her phone and computer away and forbid her to ever communicate with him again. I'm not sure this is the right way to handle it though. I feel like he has taken advantage of her emotions and has somehow made her think that what she is allowing him to do is ok. I dont know if anything else has happend because I again, haven't confronted her just yet. I just need advice on how to confront her and how to handle this. She has always been so open with me about everything so I am really shocked. HELPPPPP!!!!

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Linda - posted on 05/22/2011

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Wow...that is tough. First, PRAY! First, I would ask your daughter if there's anything she needs to tell you. See if she'll confess. Clearly, there is some reason why your daughter felt that she had to sneak him in and couldn't talk to you about it. Four years is a big age gap at this age...in their twenties, not so much. Your daughter needs to realize that she has broken trust with you, and that you will not be able to trust her for a while until she can prove herself trustworthy again. Taking phone and computers away for a while might be appropriate. Also, maybe she can't close her bedroom door for a while (except obviously when changing.) She will probably seriously rebel if you tell her she can't see him again, but I would defnitely stick with the rules you have already set up. I would also talk to the boy and his parents. If he is really serious, if he loves your daughter, if he might marry her someday, then he is starting a long-term relationship with you in a very wrong way! He should think about that. It might also be good to have a converstion with your daughter about the qualities she should look for in a future husband. Is he godly? Is he totally honest? Does he love the Lord? In sneaking into her room, is this boy showing these traits? People might say that talking about marriage is too soon for a 15 year old, but I would counter that there is no point in dating someone you would never marry. It would be wiser to wait until older, but if you're in a serious relationship (i.e. telling someone you love them) you should be thinking about these things. Both of them need to look down the road long-term and stop looking only at the present.

Ramona - posted on 06/03/2011

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I would remove the bedroom door, she can change in the bathroom. I would also inform this young man that you intend to call the police if he ever comes in uninvited by YOU, not her! I would also inform your dd that she a lost your trust and she will have to work long and hard to get it back.

Jess - posted on 11/20/2013

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Wow you really keep your daughter on a leash! 15 to 19 is a big gap but if you lock her away from this stuff she is going to do it behind your back, as presented when he snuck in. Let her enjoy herself and experience life on her own terms, so she can make mistakes and learn from them. And to the person who said take off the door, what's that going to achieve? all it does is worsen the relationship between the girl and her parents.

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Jared - posted on 05/18/2014

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I think everyone is blowing this out if proportions. 19 and 15 is not that large of an age gap, especially if the younger one is a female. For one, females usually tend to be a little more mature than a boy at that age, therefore, it is normal for girls to date guys a little older. Also, a 19 year old is fairly young himself. Although legally an adult, young men that age are still adolescents and have more maturing ahead. People live well into their 80s these days, and 4 years is only a very mere fraction of ones lifespan. So no, there is not much of an age gap.

Also, the sneaking in most likely would not occur if you were not so restrictive. If he felt more welcomed like he was a part of your family, then he would not need to feel like going great lengths to see your daughter.

I am 19 and my gf is 15. I love her to death and her mother trusts me. We spend time together alone, and you know what? I never had sex with her. I do not push my gf into doing things she does not want to do.

Mikila - posted on 08/03/2011

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Let me tell you (from the eyes of a young girl) that taking everything away and forbiding her to see him will only make the situation worse. So instead of "confronting" her, nail her windows shut while shes at school, my dad did that to me when i was 14 and that just eliminated the problem of me sneaking out or letting people in, in your case. if your afraid of him coming in another window, nail them all shut and put alarms on the doors. then let her ask why, and tell her that you found out about everything, and allow her to tell you why. Im 23 years old and i have a 3 year old daughter, but it wasnt that long ago that i was in your daughters shoes

Carolyn - posted on 08/03/2011

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In my opinion, this is not a big age difference, keep in mind females mature quicker than males, and even thought she may think she's in love, I assure u, it's most likely "puppy love", and usually blows over in no time....However, if he is a great young man as u say, I don't see any harm in their "young love" As long as she understands your rules, and the does and don't of dating, it could be a good thing for everyone. Just my opinion, I also raised a teen girl, seen it all.

Victoria - posted on 07/27/2011

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Invite him over for family meals, and take him on outings with the family. I would keep him close so that the relationship is completely visible. I like the idea of chaperoning dates, but by inviting him on your outings, she won't feel like you are intruding on her relationship. They would get the time together to get to know eachother, without the temptation involved with sneaking around.
I was a teen mom, and now my son is going to be 17. He has a "girlfriend" that he sees when he is visiting with her family (going on day trips with or even cooking supper for them) or going to our house as an invited guest. Other then that they see eachother at school. They don't complain that they never get to see eachother, because they get to see eachother at least once or twice a week (it is summer).
When they have to sneak around, things get dangerous. Invite him and his family over a few times a year, and him over a couple times a week, even for short visits.

Ellen - posted on 06/24/2011

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does she have a promise ring not to have sex before she gets married? You can get an alarm put into your house, Also its ok to talk to both about this sneaking into her room. Remind the 19 yr old boy about she cant consent to sex an ur looking out for their best interest and u need the sneaking into her window is not allowed.

Wendy - posted on 06/07/2011

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Thank you sooo much Linda!!!! You have been SO helpful. I'm going to try to find Dr. Mohler's broadcast today and also I think that the books that you suggested are a great idea! She likes to read and is reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan right now. I think that Boy Meets Girl will be perfect for her, her beoyfriend and myself to read. Thank you again for your advice. Congratulations by the way on you marriage. 24 years is wonderful!!!!

Wendy - posted on 06/07/2011

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Thank you for your advice. Being a GOOD mom sure isn't easy. I think these teenage years are tougher than the terrible two's! Haha!! We are all working on this together. My daughter, her boyfriend, his parents, my husband and I are all praying and trying to keep all doors of communication open from now on. They are gonna have to if they want this relationship to work. Thanks again!!!! It sure is refreshing to have another mother's opinion.

OhJessie - posted on 06/06/2011

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Linda, Joshua Harris was a speakered feature at a homeschooling curriculum fair we attended, when he was still quite a young man. What a wonderful speaker, and a great kid he was. And yes, his book is excellent.

Linda - posted on 06/06/2011

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Wendy, it sounds like you are on the right track. I would keep the communications lines open with everyone: your daughter, the boyfriend, and the other family. I want to encourage you that young love can indeed last, especially if your daughter and the boy are mature and know what they want in a future spouse. I started dating my husband when I was 15 (almost 16) and he was 16 (almost 17). We were married when I was 20 and he was 21, right after he graduated from college. I had one year left of college when we married and I graduated on time. We have been married now for 24 years! On Focus on the Family today, Dr. Mohler was talking about how our society has it all wrong--we should encourage young marriage because postponing it opens the door to temptation. I would really encourage you to listen to it on the web or get a copy of the radio broadcast. Unfortunately, in today's society it is hard to do---college and jobs often postpone marriage. I will be honest--it was very hard for us to wait. However, with a lot of prayer, and both growing up in Christian homes, we were both virgins on our wedding night. I would also encourage you, your daughter and her boyfriend to read Joshua Harris's book "Boy meets Girl" It's a sequel to his book "Why I kissed Dating Goodbye". (It sounds like she doesn't have to read his first book!) :) However, his second book offers lots of good suggestions on how to have a pure relationship during the courting stage. (He also has a good book on lust which could also be a worthwhile read.) They want to keep their relationship pleasing to God....so if it proceeds to marriage, their relationship will be stronger, and if they discover that perhaps they shouldn't marry after all, they will have no regrets. I would definitely keep all your rules...and check up on her regularly. I would also keep praying,,,and pray with her also. If she is really in love, and if they need to wait a long time before marriage, they have a long road ahead of them frought with temptation. It was actually easier for my husband and I to avoid some of this because we lived 125 miles apart during my last two years of high school and I didn't see him much. Most of our relationship consisted in writing letters....lots of letters because phone calls were so expensive back then. I believe your daughter may even welcome some accountability here to help her out. Also, if she's serious, she should be thinking very carefully about what she wants in a husband, what she envisions her future life looking like. They should talk about EVERYTHING. Money, kids, Is she going to work or stay home with kids, etc. Benjamin Franklin said you should keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half closed after! :) I agree with him! Divorce should never be an option for a Christian...so choose carefully! Sorry this is so long. Let me know if I can help again.

OhJessie - posted on 06/06/2011

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Oops, sorry - didn't see you had started dealing with it. Well, hopefully my advice will be useful anyway, as it is good for most situations with teens :)

OhJessie - posted on 06/06/2011

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Well...when I was 15 I snuck out of my own window and I certainly had a mind of my own. I'm just saying it is not clear that he is the guilty party, or at least not the *only* one. It's just as likely she is happily engaging in the subterfuge; although I know the instinct is to blame the older party and the boy. For all we know she asked him to start doing it, is what I'm saying - at that age I was more than capable of asking for what I wanted.

Do you know what's going on? I mean...what they're actually doing? :( It's a hard, hard situation. Forbidding her could well do little good and only harm - I don't say that to scare you or be negative; only out of experience with my own daughter, who was also very much a good kid. But by that age they start going their own way more, and trying to lay down the law doesn't seem to work very well. I'd say for now keep the lines of communication as open as possible, reopen those that may have been closed, be there for her and admonish her as best you can, gently but with the wisdom of your years. Use your persuasion. Gah, how awful such things feel; I'm so sorry - I know, honestly I do, how it feels and how hard it is. Whatever it's worth, it's a rough period of adjustment, these years, but when you come out the other side, it is easier and you'll be wiser. For now my heart is with you.

Wendy - posted on 06/06/2011

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Thanks Linda! Your advice was perfect. We have since talked with the young man and his father. We are all working and praying together about this. My husband called his father about the incident and the father said that his son had already confessed to him what he had done. His parents are wonderful and are very much on board. They even want for us to all get together and talk about this relationship. They see that their son is very much in love. My daughter and her boyfriend both swear nothing happened that night. They said that it was more of an emotional thing and it only happened that one time. They realize that it was wrong and apologized (crying) many times. I think the guilt was overwhelming! They are both very much in love and I do believe that. They are willing to accept any rules and guidelines to make this work. I just worry about the intensity of this relationship at such a young age. I hate to see her this deep in a relationship going into the 10th grade. I want her to enjoy her High School Years. They both enjoy praying together and reading the bible together and tell us that they lift each other up. He has also since the incident confessed that he has had a one time sexual relationship in his past that he regrets. He did confess this to his parents also since he knew that all of the cards had to be on the table in order for all of us to regain trust. I just can't help but be worried that as much as they both love each other, will they be able to control their urges whenever she is old enough to date him? (if they are still communicating) Right now they are not allowed to see each other except for at church and they can talk on the phone. I'm just thinking that they need to slow things down. She has a bright future ahead of her with her good grades and athletics. I want for her to get a college degree before she ever gets married. I didn't and I regret it. (she has also talked about wanting to get a scholarship so she can attend college) I'm thankful that she is in love with a Christian boy and realize that she could be in a relationship that is way worse. Should I give this a second chance w/ a list of rules and knowing that both sets of parents are keeping a watchful eye this time? Other parents who don't really know all of the details and just know that this boy is 19, think I'm crazy for letting my daughter even communicate with him. They don't know that he is a Christian and has really proved to us and his parents that he really loves my daughter. If he didn't care for her I don't think he would have gone to his parents confessing all that he has done. I will give him credit for that because they are strict and I know it wasn't easy for him. If you could tell me what you think one more time I would appreciate it. Thank you so much:) Also, I really think that if she were old enough and he asked her to marry him she would and would not worry about College. Thats how much she cares for him. (She is very mature for her age) I want her to make smart decisions though!!! The boyfriend did tell my husband that he did want for both of them to get their college degree and he would never get in the way of that. I'm just not sure though.

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