Advice on name for baby in a disfunctional marriage

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hello moms!

I am in desperate need for advice. I am pregnant with my third child due any minute. My husband and I also have twin three year old daughters. This pregnancy was not planned, and was probably not a good idea due to the disfunctional environment of our marriage. We married in 2007 after a brief courtship. I was so busy in my senior year in college, with school, clinica'ls and work that I didn't have much time to plan a wedding. He wanted to be married right away so he did a lot of the planning. Everyone close to me warned me about him, telling me there was "just something not right about him". After we married, we immediately became pregnant with your twin girls. I was over the moon! All I had wanted was to be a mom! As time went on and I got to know him better, something was not right. He threw a fit when he didn't get his own way. He is mentally,psychologically, emotionally and verbally abusive. After the girls were born, I worked FT for 18 months before we lost our child care. We decided it was more cost-effective for me to quit my job and stay home. I was sad to be missing out on a career that I had worked so hard for but more excited that I was giving it up to spend time with our girls. After I became a SAHM things got worse. He didn't like me spending time with my family and didn't support anything I wanted to do outside of the home. I began to feel isolated and alone. It seemed he only wants our girls to know his family. He only has our girls listen to his music, share his interests, etc. I wanted to return to work bc I thought it would be good for my mental health but he became incredibly angry and unsupportive. His reactions are unpredictable and I am scared. I had filed for divorce last year, but couldn't come to spiritual peace with it. I know divorce isn't God's best but surely He doesn't want me in this environment. Surely He doesn't want me alone. We have tried several marriage counselor's/programs/retreats but he is not willing to change anything about himself. It is harder bc while in counseling he was dagnosed as severe ADHD and possible Bipolar disorder, but refuses to acknowledge or treat it. I am at my wit's end! We became pregnant and I am due any day now. On top of my marriage crisis, I am at a loss at what to due about the name for our baby boy. He insists that child be named after his father, grandfather or uncle. I don't care at all for the names.These are awful names. He shot down my first choices, which I'm ok with but he refuses to work with me. I have purchased several baby name books and gone through all of them but he refuses to look through them with me. I'm continually asking the Lord for His guidance. Do I give in and let him name our son? Or do I keep trying to find a compromise? I just want peace but I am conflicted with this resentment that I have towards him since I have essentially given up every part of my identity for him. Giving in to this just seems like giving him even more control and losing more of myself. But as a servant of Christ, aren't I suppose to be giving of myself? Where do I draw the line? Please, any advice would be appreciated!

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Carla - posted on 06/13/2012

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Baby, I read through your post, and am wondering why, with all this drama going on, your question is about baby names! But, this was your question, and I will answer it this way: You can name your child anything, it doesn't really matter--you can give him a completely different nickname, and that is what he will be known by.

I HAVE to say, though, that I am deeply concerned about you and the children's physical and mental health. You say you went through clinicals, so I am assuming you are an RN. You KNOW the roller coaster of bi-polar, then add ADHD into the mix, and you have problems. I applaud you for not wanting to just walk away without a fight, but honey, you have GOT to keep you guys safe. Having lived with a man very similar to your husband, I can tell you the damaging effects this atmosphere has on you. I have been divorced from him since 1972, and he is STILL in my head, telling me how stupid and ugly I am. I would suggest, since you don't want to divorce until you have given this your all, that you separate to get some perspective and maybe absence will make his heart grow fonder. I HATE divorce! But I hate even worse to see women and children abused by a person who doesn't care enough to get the help he needs so he can be the man God wants him to be for his family. His wanting to isolate you and the girls also suggests he might have a little sociopath going on as well. This is their MO. I have lived this with my brother, who ruined the lives of two great women and their children. My pseudo-daughter, also an RN, married what we thought was a great guy, only to find out he was diagnosed as sociopath/alcoholic/addict/ADHD. Even with what she knew through her training, it took her two years of abuse to finally say enough and divorce him. She, too, was very torn, as to what her Christian duty was, but in the end, she left with her two children and his son.

I hope you are not offended, honey. I just want you to be safe. I pray the Holy Spirit give you the wisdom you need to work through this situation. Please stay in touch.

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Angela - posted on 06/15/2012

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Give baby a first name that HE approves of. You pick the middle name. Just start using the middle name. Soon it will only be him and his family using the child's first name.

But it won't come to that if YOU come to your senses. It's OK being "brave" and waiting for him to improve in his attitude towards you - you might be waiting a very long time!

Sometimes you have to play the long game to get away from a psychologically abusive man. You need a plan, a route and a place of safety. You CAN do this. Don't imagine you can't function without this man, you CAN.

A man who has a spark of decency will re-examine his ways in order to win you back, if you should leave. If you don't leave, he won't miss you and it'll be business as usual.

You're in our prayers.

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2012

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I agree with Carla and have to also say this. It also says in the bible that a man should pretty much do for you as he does for himself. You need support and encouragement. The baby name should be a compromise so if you don't like the name then don't use it. I really feel for you. You honestly shouldn't not be going through all this stress it's not healthy for you, your unborn baby , or your twins. Definitely seek God for guidance and maybe a pastor. I wish you all the best.

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