Am I over reacting to porn issue?

Sarah - posted on 07/18/2012 ( 197 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. My trust for him has been severly tested over the last year or so.

Since we were first dating we spoke numerous times about porn, strip clubs etc and both agreed that these places and images were disgusting and against our morales and values. In the past year, he has gone behind my back 2 times (that I know of) to strip clubs and I have recently discovered he has an internet porn habit.

I am extremely confused, hurt and angry. I realise that he's a man and they do these things, but this was the last thing I ever thought he would do. He says I am over reacting and won't even speak with me about it. We are a very successful couple with excellent jobs, a house, children and my husband is on the leadership team at our church. I can see my world crumbling around me and quite honestly, I am not sure if our relationship can survive this. His lack of interest towards my feelings is causing me a great deal of pain. I don't know what to do anymore. I have given him adequate chances.

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Carol - posted on 07/19/2012

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Ok having the whole story is clarifying. Don't walk run away. Two years is nothing compared to raising kids and living in this environment. You are also giving your kids a model they will use when they marry. Get counseling if you need to. You are being emotionally abused and a women's center will help you. I left an abuser and was really really broke for 5 years but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Nothing is worth more than your sanity and your children's environment. Thank you for telling the whole story. I am doing a 180 and saying get away now.

Denikka - posted on 07/18/2012

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This is less about the porn and more about him hiding things from you and not caring about your feelings. You really need to sit down and talk to him. Perhaps write him a letter. Don't be confrontational, don't blame him. Just lay out how you are feeling and why. Give specific examples.
I would really recommend counselling for the two of you. I think you both need someone else there to make sure that you are both being heard and understood correctly.
Good luck :)

Tina - posted on 09/12/2012

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This isn't just a porn issue the issue is that this man has hurt his wife's feelings and refuses to address the issue. The problem is that it is secretive behaviour and he has broken her trust. Once you've done that their is a lot of doubt in the relationship. She'll be suspicious of his every move from where he's goes. Is he cheating? etc. I can say it isn't just an issue of not having enough sex or role playing. My partner did the worse things when we were having the best sex. Several times a day different ways etc. Yet he still would sneek off and watch porn go on dating sites etc. Now with 2 kids we rarely get the chance yet he doesn't bother with it. It's a mental issue and a trust issue. The he addresses her feelings is also an issue. If her concerns don't matter to him and her feelings don't then there is no relationship.

Carla - posted on 09/07/2012

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A question that comes to mind is---WHY are these men posting to a women's site? We HAVE had a couple men, who had read their wive's accounts write, to offer valid, Christian advice, but for an unbelieving man to spend time trolling Christian women's sites is a tad weird to me. At any rate, we are praying for you, Bob and Weistager, for the love of God to wash over you and allow you to feel what it's like to be loved by the God of the Universe. I pray the Holy Spirit speak to your hearts and you become servants of the Most High. I pray you then be a beacon of Light and are able to truly and honestly give advice for those in pain. Your flip answers tell me you could very easily be one of these women's husbands, that absolutely do not understand what your actions do to wound your women. I advise you to read ALL the topics on our communities, and that you begin to understand why your wife/girlfriend is so sad.



May God richly bless you with knowledge and wisdom.

K - posted on 07/18/2012

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I dont think you are over reacting due to the fact he knows how you felt about this previously and secondly for him to be doing it behind your back is violating your trust. Trust plays a major role in a relationship and it also quite important. If he lies about the small things what else would he lie about? Then he can't even man up and talk to you about it. That's a bigger problem. Do what you think is best for you and what will bring you peace, but don't be nobodys fool!

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Angela - posted on 10/10/2013

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I'm just bumping this thread so it's easily spotted for this who have issues with their partner being addicted to porn.

Melynda - posted on 09/07/2013

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How would he feel if it were u with a collection of pornographic images? Ask him. If the tables were turned would he still be unwilling to discuss it?

Yolanda - posted on 04/26/2013

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Sarah,
I'm so sorry for you. Porn is one of the biggest and worst addictions. It is cheating. I have a dear friend who's husband struggles with it. I truly believe no matter how much a man defends it , he feels trapped and dirty. It is a vicious circle that only God can help them to break. I will pray for your family.

Carla - posted on 04/20/2013

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Thanks, Nicole, for having the guts to post your story. I was the same. The reasons aren't important, the end result is--you and I found out we were lost without Jesus, and worked very hard to change things.

Having a strong, vibrant relationship with Jesus brings change. I am so very glad He took pity on me and gave me a second chance. That's why I love Him so much!

God bless, honey

Nicole - posted on 04/19/2013

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First of all, I am really sorry for what you are going through. Your husband is looking at that stuff and going to strip clubs for a reason. Find out what that reason is as hard as it will be. For him to just say you are over reacting is absurd! Pray, pray and pray more about this situation. Honestly, the best thing I've heard when it has come to this type of thing which I heard from a religious speaker, Jimmy Evans is expose what he is doing. Tell family, tell the people at church but be careful in how you say those things. You definitely don't want to smear his name but tell people your concerned and how do you handle this. Hunny, god put you two together for a reason and there is nothing you can't handle.
Another situation I listened to by Jimmy Evans. He had two friends who were married and in the ministry, the husband had mulitple affairs, addicted to porn and had another child with one of the women he had an affair with. One day he told his wife everything and wanted to repent his sins to his wife and the lord. Nine years has gone by and she has forgiven him, and the son he has with another women, the wife accepts him as he were her own child. That right there tells me couples can overcome the worst, IF and ONLY if they trust god to get them through the hard times. Ask your husband what his intentions are, ask him what he expects to come of his "habits". As a woman who has done similar things like your husband is doing and personally I've done a lot worse, I knew what my intentions were and eventually they no longer became intentions but my everyday living.
Now I have repented my sins to my husband and god, we go to church as a family on a weekly basis. I volunteer at the church. I'm a better wife and mom more than I have ever been and I can't thank god enough for the strength he has given my husband to give me several chances. My husband has shown me a life that I can't possibly have without him and I don't want to have a life without him.
It seems like your husband needs help. Since you may have given him adequate chances to tell you the truth, maybe it's time your take care of things on your own and pray that god gives you the strength to go through this hardship. God will be there and he will lead you and help you. I promise you that!

Carla - posted on 03/27/2013

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I'm sorry, Amy, but whether it is a picture of another woman, talking online with them or a video, my husband is looking and lusting after another woman other than me. It didn't help me one bit when he said 'well she lives in Australia, and I will never get there to actually SEE her'.

It's not particularly the physical parts that are used for cheating, it's your heart. If my husband's heart is not with me, sooner or later, the other parts are gonna leave, too. Christian husbands are held to a higher standard than the world. If they are having a hard time with self-control, they need to take their spiritual temperature and make adjustments. Jesus said 'if you lust in your heart, you have committed adultery already'. This tells us how this progresses. When King David was sitting on his porch in the evening and saw Bathsheba bathing on her roof, he didn't go right over there and take her. No, he watched her, night after night, and his lust grew and grew. Soon he was sending his servant over to fetch Bathsheba and ended up getting her pregnant. This was a pickle for him, so he sent and had Uriah put up at the front of the battle to have him killed. And THIS was one of his best friends! No, adultery doesn't come on quickly, it starts with looking at an image then the mind starts working.

Christians (and this IS a Christian site) are commanded to keep their bodies under control. It is not a suggestion, it's a commandment, and it's for our own good.

God bless, all, and happy Easter!

Amy - posted on 03/26/2013

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It is easy to understand how you feel hurt. I was once there. After talking to my sisters and other married female friends, I found that Internet porn and masturbation while watching is very common among married men. Not all wives know or realize their husbands do this. The important thing is that he comes home to you and doesn't cheat. I am not saying it is right, but you have built a life together. Is it worth throwing all of this away? My husband and I have a very healthy sex life, but I work the second shift part time. I'm not always around. I discussed it with him calmly and openly. I came to understand why and I am happy he doesn't cheat. Talk to him. Tell him you want to understand why and be calm. Don't yell or make nasty comments. Tell him how you feel. Make sure these habits haven't led to cheating though.

Cyndi - posted on 03/03/2013

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I disagree with Carol. You do not have to accept your husband going to strip clubs.

Cyndi - posted on 03/03/2013

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In my home, my husband does occassionally indulge in internet porm, but mostly when I am not interested and don't particularly want to be bothered. As for strip clubs, absolutely not. For me, that would be a serious problem, and especially because he is lying to you about it.

Sim - posted on 03/01/2013

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Hey ..I am telling you..YOU PRAY OVER HIM..If you really want your marriage to remain lay your hands on him and pray over him wen he is sleeping..All the best.

Angela - posted on 02/27/2013

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@ Gloria Ann Garrett - Sarah, the original poster on this topic, hasn't posted on here since last August.

However, there are others who have this same problem that will be grateful for your input.

There are also a few guys that pop up on here, making posts simply to make fun of the situation. I don't believe this particular Forum on Circle of Moms is especially well-moderated.

Gloria Ann - posted on 02/27/2013

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@Carla
I couldnt agree with you more. Well said. To often times excuses are made and tolerance is made, there is no tolerance for sin. As a believer in Christ we have to be obedient to the Word of God or we enter into disobedience, as I said earlier in my post, your hubby Sarah is wallking on dangerous ground, especially if he is in leadership at your church. Does the Pastor know of his addiction and all the goings on that has been done to you emotionally? anyway thanks Carla for speaking out.
Blessings :o)

Gloria Ann - posted on 02/27/2013

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Sarah here is my email> thankfulglo@aol.com.... feel free to email me... blessings

Gloria Ann - posted on 02/27/2013

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Sarah, Im taking this very seriously as a Christian.. been there done that before I gave my life over to the Lord, my husband as well. I have been involved in fighting porn on a state level and local. I have worked with the vice squad on our sheriffs dept. and been the president of an organization back in the 80's for 4 years , called POP> people opposing Pornography. It was geared mainly in fighting child porn but escalated to the whole gambit. Porn destroys families, from the father down to the kids.. its a sad thing, and women especially are a prime target for the changes that take place in ones relationship witih their spouse. I know I have been there. As a believer in Christ that is the main thing that I had to look at, its a secret sin. I dont know how much your hubby may expose himself to other men about his involvement with porn or what, but as a christan man, he is walking on dangerous ground. My heart goes out to you and the pain that you feel, the anger and the betrayal, only the Lord can help you though the emotional end of it all. The fact that he treats you the way he does goes far beyond his addiction to porn, porn makes one feel not satisfied with their spouse, their mind is seared over with lies and deceit and any excuse to go back to the vomit they will. I have counselled many on this matter and it reaches into the soul of man to kill steal and destroy. John 10:10 says; THE THIEF COMETH NOT BUT FOR TO KILL STEAL AND DESTROY, BUT I HAVE COME TO GIVE YOU LIFE AND THAT MORE ABUNDANTLY. That is what Jesus said. We can do a number of things to try and change but seriously until your hubby admits of his addiction he cant be delivered. Here is the good news. Prayer just doesnt change things, it changes everything! The Lord can intervene and you hubby can be delievered and be set free of this filth. Its a battle field of the mind that takes place, that is where it all begins, so we can begin to pray that the Lord begin to change his heart and mind and to remove all assessibility to porn, the Lord knows how He is going to work in your hubbys life, for you my dear sister you need good solid support that will encourage you not drag you down, but give you strength, You cant bear no shame, its not your burden, your hubby needs to have this exposed to the right people, people that can help him, spiritually and emotionally... there is so much more I can talk with you about, if you are indeed intrested in wanting to know more, I know I can help you. You and your family will be in my prayers. Sarah, you matter to the Lord, you are a valuable person and a special one, dont let the devil lie to you or the things your hubby has said to you, and I pray that your children will not be affected by all this inthe name of Jesus. Here is my email if you want to go further with this, I am here for you. The Lord bless you. In His Love, Gloria :o)

Angela - posted on 02/20/2013

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Carla, it's OK - Prostitution is not "legal" in the UK, or rather, it's not so much prostitution that's illegal here, but rather soliciting - and also men who take immoral earnings from women (known as "pimping") that's regarded as a million times worse by the Law. Prostitution doesn't carry prison sentences here, only fines - pimping always results in a custodial sentence. And of course there are the many prostitutes that do so to support drug habits, they're less clean and particular - and are obviously more vulnerable, but these are pretty much avoided like the plague by any client with any "nous".

Many prostitutes pay tax on their earnings. I don't think it's a victimless crime, but in the eyes of some it's seen as a necessary evil. Without prostitutes, sex crimes against ordinary women and girls might well be much higher.

I know of a few people who are prostitutes. Believe me, compared to other "sinners" - I'd rather be friends with a prostitute than a liar, a cheat or a thief any day! LOL!!

Sherry - posted on 02/20/2013

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Audrey, I agree with you on almost every point you make. Obviously we are 2 different Christian women who have lived different lives with different experiences. I believe that our motives are the same to help Sarah, and to guide her. Let's all remember to pray for our sister in Christ, Sarah that she would feel God's unconditional love and feel our support for her rather than any kind of judgement, or condemnation. (Audrey that is not directed at you, but is for all of us myself included!)
My background is that I am married to the same Godly man for 37 years, raising two Godly sons, one who is married and expecting our first grand baby. In the more professional realm, I am not a counselor but have counseled, mentored, come alongside hundreds of hurting women on a variety of topics for the last 17 years as a Stephen Minister. As the Director of this amazing ministry through my church, I have witnessed lives changed, and hopeless marriages, (way beyond Sarah's situation) healed and restored all by the power and love of our heavenly Father.
Sarah, as I suggested before please seek help immediately from a pastor or Christian counseling. These issues are two complex to really solve here. I appreciate the insight all of these women have given. I am earnestly praying for YOU first of all. I am praying for a miracle in your marriage! God can heal any mess that our marriages have wondered into. The enemy, Satan himself wants to destroy Christian marriages. He uses pornography as a great tool. Do not let him win this battle. As long as there is no physical abuse, your marriage is worth fighting for. If there has been physical abuse you must leave immediately, and separate yourself from him. Even then, Christian counseling can be the tool that God uses to restore your marriage. I am praying for you.

Carla - posted on 02/20/2013

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Angela, I think you misunderstood my meaning. I wasn't lumping porn and prostitution together, what I meant was people call prostitution 'a victimless crime'. And, there are very few places in the US where prostitution is legal, Las Vegas, Nevada being one right off the top of my head. There are stringent regs to keep them 'clean', but alas, many ladies of the street are drug addicts supporting their habits living in other places than Las Vegas. Some of them get into it because they have no other form of support. And as for prostitution, I understand their predicament. So I meant absolutely NO offense.

God bless!

Angela - posted on 02/20/2013

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Carla, sorry - I disagree with this quote:

"Men think it's a victimless crime, as they call prostitution, and we all know the havoc THAT wreaks, especially now with all the STDs and AIDS that have been contracted and passed on to the wives."

Prostitutes generally insist on the use of condoms and regularly visit STD clinics to have themselves checked over. I come from a port town where there is a lot of prostitution, I know of people who are "on the game" and who have a very professional approach to their chosen career. It might not be a career I would choose for myself, but to some degree I respect the fact they do their job with due regard for health & safety. I don't agree that prostitution is a victimless crime, but it's not prostitution that has spread diseases.

The fact is, that men who are unfaithful to their wives for the most part are NOT unfaithful with prostitutes! Remember that we're in an economic recession and any guy who would like "sex on the side" would prefer not to pay for it! It's a sad fact that there are usually women available for extra-marital relationships who aren't too troubled about their chosen man being married to someone else. It's also a point of pride with many men that they can "get the goods" with no money changing hands and also for both sides of an illicit relationship to decide NOT to use condoms as (for many) they're associated with being "tools of the trade" for prostitutes! And that's how sexually transmitted diseases and infections spread amongst promiscuous people who are NOT in the sex industry!

For a great many women who discover their man has been unfaithful, the sense of betrayal comes from considering the emotional bonds he has formed with the other woman, rather than the actual sex. Many men, when "found out" will claim that their partner in adultery was a prostitute. This is generally just one more lie amongst many lies, to reduce the wrath of their wives. And if the other woman gave him a disease, he is even more likely to claim that she was a prostitute. If she didn’t give him a disease, his wife is still likely to question him on whether he at least kept himself safe or if SHE has been exposed to diseases. So again, he’ll say it was a prostitute and remind his wife that prostitutes are very particular about condom use!!

Claiming the other woman was a prostitute has other benefits for the lying, cheating man. If she was really a co-worker as long as his wife believes it was a prostitute, then he doesn’t have the complication of finding a new job at his wife’s insistence. If she’s really a neighbour but he can get the wife to believe that he cheated with a prostitute, then they don’t have to move house or have strained relations with the neighbours (including the risk of his wife spilling the beans to his ex-lover’s husband!), if she was a close friend or family member of his wife then the stakes are even higher. The prostitute is innocent – but she’ll frequently get the blame when a manipulative man is found out!

If your husband has committed adultery and you have found out about it, you will be marginally LESS angry if the point of contention is that he spent money on this "relationship" rather than if he invested emotionally. Prostitutes get the blame for rather a lot of things and many of these are things that aren't their fault! Also, many prostitutes report that the majority of their clients are single, unmarried men (of all ages) who are unable to get a girlfriend or suitable partner. Some single men who use prostitutes, of course, don’t even WANT a partner. They want a no-strings relationship and find it’s easier to pay a fee for sex than to possibly spend a similar (or greater) amount of money on courting a women who will expect emotional commitment! Prostitutes also DO have married clients but exercise great discretion and careful use of contraceptives and available health checks.

Any woman who discovers her partner has been unfaithful needs to remember her first conflict and argument is with HIM. NOT the person he was sleeping with – whether or not this person was a prostitute. The other woman did NOT make vows to you, she pretty much owes you no loyalty or consideration – that is all down to your husband!

Sorry – we've gone a bit off-topic but I just wanted to make a point there!

Carla - posted on 02/20/2013

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I think the point you are missing, Audrey, is that, bottom line, Sarah's husband is loving himself more than her, his wife. Buying new lipstick or refreshing her wardrobe is going to do NOTHING to change his self-centeredness. You don't reward bad behavior. 'Honey, if I act like a sex kitten, will you stop making me feel like dirt?' AND, this doesn't stop the behavior, either. The only way to have a man recognize the devastation porn causes a marriage is to tell him. Men think it's a victimless crime, as they call prostitution, and we all know the havoc THAT wreaks, especially now with all the STDs and AIDS that have been contracted and passed on to the wives.

Sex is a tool satan uses very effectively BECAUSE of a man's visual arousal. We, as Christians, need to address this issue and call porn what it is--the destruction of the family unit. Also, we need to be educating our sons, to break this vicious cycle.

Women come to our Christian sites to receive Godly advice. I hope we all pray before we answer, and get the Lord's take on the subject.

God bless, all

AUDREY - posted on 02/20/2013

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Right you are,Sherry, about the Biblical perspective but & I AM NOT mixing worldly views w/Biblical truth, however, I am quite on target, so its okay that you disagree. And yes, I still say she is overreacting to the point of losing the battle. Again, the bottom line IS prayer & trusting God enough to allow HIM to work this situation out. I'm not negating her feelings at all as you imply. You say it isn't her place to spice up her sex life, to keep the fire lit in her marriage. I say, YES IT IS. NO, not hers alone but definitely her responsibility AS WELL. As you will see in a second post, should you continue reading, I offered other advice including COUNSELING. You see, I too was a counselor for battered women which covered all types of abuse, not just physical. I too am a Christian woman so therefore I realize that she & her husband need Christian counseling however as I have stated, he is in no frame of mind to seek nor to even want counseling; he doesn't see the need. Therefore, Sarah needs to start w/herself as he may never go but she is definitely in need of being there even if it is alone.

(Jesus speaking to Pharisees in Judea as they attempted to test Him concerning divorce)
MATTHEW 19:4-6 says, (4)And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female,' (5)" and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? (6)"So then, THEY ARE NO LONGER TWO BUT ONE FLESH. There fore what God has joined together, let not man separate."

Purpose? That it IS Sarah's responsibility to seek help for the both of them as they SHOULD be acting as one. I happen to know that just because you say 'I do' this does not make you one but that you MUST GROW into that oneness w/each other in Jesus. Now, since hubby isn't acting in oneness then it is Sarah's responsibility to do so, especially when she is desiring that life. One thing I read on another post by Sarah concerning this same issue was that her husband has never bought her birthday or Christmas gifts. Some, you & Karen as well, Sherry, may think that giving gifts has nothing to do w/the concern about porn however, yes it does in the sense that it sounds like Sarah has allowed her relationship to grow to the side as so many of us often do. I very recently had to RE-EVALUATE some things in my own relationship because I was allowing it to grow sideways (from the beginning). No doubt I will have to RE-EVALUATE some other things down the road but our relationships are no different than our homes or cars; they need maintenance. Even so, our relationship w/God. So, if our relationship w/God requires maintenance, why wouldn't our relationships w/man require the same?

AUDREY - posted on 02/20/2013

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WOW Sarah. As I followed the posts I ran into this. I am understanding you a lot more, however, no apologies offered. You don't need them. You need to get over needing him because you have a GREATER & HIGHER HOPE you just need to stretch out on it. You sound like you trust this man more than you trust your God. Do you? (rhetorical) Get yourself some counseling because reading this post tells me he won't. DO NOT ALLOW yourself to be stripped, robbed, molested, raped of your self-worth/esteem. If he is physically abusive then its past time that you go. Why? Because you love yourself mostly & then because you have children & love them. In most states when children live in a home where there is physical abuse, if something happens, you end up in court & this is divulged then you both will lose custody of your children at least temporarily. IT IS A MUST that you "grow a pair" and take back your life. Trust your Source (God); if you leave you WILL be just fine. You allow your life to be miserable. You are worth/deserve so much more than that. Stop asking for permission to be good to yourself & just do it. I'm not encouraging tit for tat but you are in need. Change some things about you & believe me he will notice. Get a different perfume, change the color of your lipstick, if your hair is long chop it off in a nice style & color it, change your wardrobe style (you can do that w/a few additives & the same clothes you have in your closet). My point, STOP BEING SO PREDICTABLE, its boring even for you. Make him stretch his imagination! Let him wonder what's gotten into you. Squeeze this lemon girl! I would love to talk to you one on one. I haven't done this in many years but I all of a sudden feel like I'm back in the office...heeheehee (laughing at myself). You are not in a pickle because of him, you have allowed yourself to be so therefore you can change it. Believe me, you more than likely have more control over the situation than you realize. You just need some empowering which comes w/options. Counseling IS a GREAT place to start. In Christian love 0:-)

Karen - posted on 02/20/2013

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Sherry, I agree with you. There is an earlier response by Sarah whereby her husband is doing other things that border on verbal abuse. My ex started out looking at online porn and then went to actually having affairs. I am not saying it always happens but I think it is a strong possibility when men look at porn.

Sherry - posted on 02/20/2013

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Audrey I completely disagree she is not overreacting.
Please read Claire's well thought out and Biblically correct post. Please don't confuse Sarah with a mixture of half truths, half of the world's view and half of what God says. It is not Sarah's responsibility to "spice it up" or even to re-evaluate their sex life. Her husband is clearly wrong and this marriage needs some Godly, wise counsel from a pastor, or Christian counselor.
I have worked with women for 20 years with marital issues and this is one of the most common concerns. Sarah should not tolerate this at all.
As Claire has mentioned there are clear Bibical directives for Christian (God centered) marriage.

AUDREY - posted on 02/20/2013

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Yes, I would say you are overreacting. Not because he's a man or that your feelings aren't important, because they are, but to the degree that you are losing the battle. I am happy to read that you ARE Christian people & active in your church for this reason alone: YOU HAVE A GREATER & HIGHER HOPE!!! The porn habit has caused problems & broken MANY marriages, however, that issue alone did not do it. If you are having other challenges this may be the straw that breaks the camel's back. What you, Sarah, must decide is...IS MY MARRIAGE WORTH IT?, DO I LOVE HIM ENOUGH?...realizing that whatever decision you make will ultimately affect your children but DO NOT decide for the sake of the children. This is not about them but about you & your husband. Ask yourself, am I upset & feeling betrayed about 'this' issue because he's turning to "cyber women", neglecting me sexually (Are you meeting his needs? Get out of old habits/traditionalism & try something new for him...spice it up...be spontaneous...get a quick one in the bathroom while the kids are at home...be tastefully playful out in the open...work on the other issues, if there be any so your sex life can be affective), or do you feel like you've lost control over this (often typical). Sometimes men will agree w/us because they don't want to disappoint us or hurt our feelings but 9 times out of 10 he has been watching porn for quite some time. It truly is nothing to be alarmed about when all you have to do to defeat the enemy (which is Satan, not your husband) is get on your knees & talk to God about it until He, God, delivers him, your husband, from this lustful desire. BOTTOM LINE. I hope something here helps....praying for you 0:-)

Carla - posted on 02/20/2013

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I'm sorry, Danielle, but you are mistaken. Men are visual beings and get thrills from viewing. My brother-in-law explains it this way--'not something better, something different'. There is NO room in a marital relationship, Christian or otherwise for 'something different'.

We are Christian in this community, so we give advice Biblically-based. Jesus said 'if you look on a woman to lust after, you have already committed adultery in your heart'. This is pretty blunt.

There is absolutely NO way we can run around always looking like a centerfold. We have children, jobs, church activities that demand our time and effort. We HAVE to mature enough to understand this, female AND male. Paul says that you love your wife as your own flesh. If your porn habit hurts your wife and you keep doing it, that is sin.

Solomon, the wisest man there was, said 'rejoice in the wife of your youth and be continually satisfied between her breasts'. This leaves NO room for another--whether real or imagined.

The world has crept in with it's ideas, and it is desiccating our families.

God bless, all

Dannielle - posted on 02/19/2013

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Reading some of these posts and Im sorry ladies, but if you catch your men looking at porn and you dont like it. Take control. Try msging him, Not naggin or how was your day crap, proper conversation and something to get him excited about seeing you for. Open your mind, talk to your friends about ideas, not sit and whine about the issues you have.

I get you find it hurtful etc. that your men like porn. However they are YOUR demons. As for the ladies finding men on those hook up sites- slap that man down. He is tempted to cheat, probably will cheat and do it multiple times. A man has to have some fear of his woman. To know that just aint on.
Men are simple creatures...

Dannielle - posted on 02/19/2013

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Sarah H. Maybe he would come to you if he knew you wouldnt be so judgemental.
It is always better to be aware of these things than to have them hidden. Secrets are damaging to trust, however secrets are there because of fear. Fear of the reaction of the other party, in this case you. Of course he will agree that porn and strip clubs are immoral.
Maybe you should try spice things up and give him a reason not to. At the end of the day its you he loves and you he wants to be with.

Karen - posted on 02/19/2013

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Sarah, I am so sorry. He almost sounds abusive and if that is the case, you need to get out of there with your children. They don't need to hear that kind of junk. You are never stuck. There are places you can go to for help. My ex-husband was the same way. I found a job and finally left with my then 2 year-old son. I don't know what state you live in but do some research and see what your options are. It sounds like he is dead set on being right and having things his way.

Carla - posted on 02/18/2013

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So sorry you're going through this, Bonnie, but as you can see from all the postings here, you are not alone. Being a truck driver is a lonely business, and there are drastic measures that can be taken, like putting in for jobs locally instead of overland driving so he can be home nights. That is the band-aid, but not the cure.

Irrespective of Seth's thoughts, this is not harmless, and the men need to understand the damaging effects on their wives porn brings. And a woman's first impulse is to 'spice things up in the bedroom', but, again, this is a band-aid. Our husbands need to understand how worthless their 'hobby' makes us feel. Porn is acted out by women who's entire lives revolve around making their bodies look as seductive as possible. You don't see normal housewives up there on the screen. This is a fantasy land, and we can NEVER live up to what's up there. Porn is also like drugs--you start out just dabbling, but the thrill quickly wears off, and you have to take more and more and more until it swallows you whole.

Your husband's response reminds me of my son, after being caught with chew in his cheek. 'I'm savin' it for someone' ;)

I know this is a hot button issue, but you need to make him understand this is not a victimless sin. This is destroying your marriage, your self worth and your trust in him. But, in the long run, he will only stop when he wants to. My dear husband had gotten himself on one of these chat forums and we chattin' up a woman in Australia. When I found their conversations, I was literally sick to my stomach, but I knew something was up, you know the feeling, wives get those vibes. He worked at the prison about a half hour away, and I called immediately and told his supervisor I needed him home asap. I printed out their conversations, and he looked so surprised! His rationale was that she was half a world away, so it was harmless. I told him (and I'm not one for confrontations) that I absolutely would NOT live with this and he must stop immediately. We had just started putting our marriage back together after a very nasty period in our lives, and I had worked too long and too hard to have it thrown away over some floozie. He quit, albeit not happily, but later on, he told me I was right, and now bends over backwards to keep women at a distance.

Pray, honey. Pray for calmness, pray for wisdom, and pray for the right words to make your beloved understand WHY you feel this way. Don't talk until you have gotten peace, so this doesn't turn into a screaming match.

God bless

PS: This is for Seth--can you hear from the women who have posted here the devastation porn causes? How on earth can this be an okay dalliance?

Bonnie - posted on 02/17/2013

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I have went through this very same thing in my marriage. I offered to do things to spice up our bedroom life. That worked for a little while. Pardon the word. But, I think he has an addiction to looking at slutty women. The website I caught him on was boredhousewifes looking for men in THEIR town to hook up for sex. I walked in on him!! I was mortified! My trust was gone & my heart was broken! His excuse ...someone was signing him up to these sights & be was trying to figure out who it was. He. Is a truckdriver who is on the rd alone a wk at a time. I talk to him constantly. But, my mind

Melanie - posted on 02/17/2013

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None of it is okay. He' s a married man and he shouldnt be anywhere near a strip club or having anything to do with porn. Both degrade woman and hurt a relationship.

Angela - posted on 02/17/2013

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Normally I am a strong supporter of giving the marriage EVERY chance to be maintained, even after affairs. But, in my opinion, this situation will be impossible. You have differing values that will never be the same. Or he has a sex addiction. I say leave him sooner rather than later. I am so sorry..

Angela - posted on 02/14/2013

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Edited to add - I've just seen Seth's earlier post - sorry ladies, I didn't see that one the first time I looked!

Seth, I'd just like to say that I know of a great many men who don't bother with porn (my own husband doesn't care for it!) - including several guys who aren't even Christians. A dislike of (or aversion to) porn isn't just a "god thing". Most say they can't see the point of it - why bother looking at something like this? It doesn't make you any richer, financially or spiritually, it is highly likely to annoy, hurt or irritate your wife/partner - and - let's be honest about this - who, in their right mind, is REALLY interested in someone else's sex life? Or in pictures of some naked woman that they'll NEVER meet? A couple of ladies on here have responded to your posts as though your comments are insulting to women. To be honest, I feel your observations are quite insulting to MEN!!

Angela - posted on 02/14/2013

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Seth didn't say he was a fan of porn himself - he only pointed us to a newspaper article which said researchers were unable to find anyone that hadn't viewed it. But they were talking to young men in their 20's. I don't believe that every single one of them had seen porn. But I can imagine in this day & age, any young man in this age group who hasn't seen porn wouldn't be in a hurry to "admit his innocence"! At this age they're not usually married either - but a great many of them are in University - and they know all about the Media and information-gathering by researchers and journalists. With the cynicism of youth they would get quite a kick out of giving them a few bits of false information here and there.

It's a bit like schoolboys between the ages of 13 and 18. They're not ALL sexually experienced. But you won't find many that are willing to admit to being a virgin.

The newspaper link is the Daily Mirror - a mainstream popular paper. Compared to most other newspapers, the Mirror is actually quite conventional and old-fashioned.

Let's not give Seth a hard time simply because he believed what he read and referred us to the article with a weblink.

I personally don't like porn at all, but I'm always interested in articles that talk about research and statistics - whether about porn or any other modern day issue.

Carla - posted on 02/14/2013

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Very nice, Sherry! God's laws are NOT what the world views as right or acceptable, and therefore people who do not have a relationship with Jesus don't understand this. The world is geared towards attracting the opposite sex, as seen through everything from deodorant commercials to snaking your drain, for heavens' sakes!

What people desire, they justify. A Christian life is one of killing your fleshly desires and live a life pleasing to the Lord. Porn has no place here.

Continue to pray for Seth, ladies. He needs the Lord.

God bless, all!

Sherry - posted on 02/14/2013

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Seth,
I clicked on this link and read this short article. They did not ask Christian God fearing men. Please stay off this portion of this website. It is for Christian women who want to support one another. I do not think you fit into any of this criteria. Again Seth, you are absolutely wrong! I have been married for 38 years and my husband does not look at porn. We have raised 2 Godly sons and porn is not an issue in their lives praise God. Please understand that for a man to be totally sold out to Christ, porn has no place in their lives. There is NEVER an exception!

Lauren - posted on 02/14/2013

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I don't think you're overreacting. Men don't have to just do these things, especially those men who believe in Christian values. This is both an issue about your trust and hiding his habits from you, as well as the porn habit itself. It seems to me he needs love, support and encouragement to get help about the addiction to porn, but also some firmness from you. You can be respectful but still lay down the fact that you feel your job is to help him be the best man he can be, and that includes tackling obstacles like this one--and it's a big one. Be firm and clear in your expectations, but also remind him you love him and care about him and you want the best for your marriage. And if you want, you can always offer to be more creative with him yourself to lighten the mood (not to downplay the seriousness of the issue, though .... you should squash this immediately)!

Sara - posted on 02/03/2013

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I'm not one to back down lol, but yes, you'd think that Moms would be safe to post on here without having people like him replying without even so much as a hint of helping.

[deleted account]

Seth is horrible. I thought this was a site for mom's not sick men who think 100% of men are addicted to porn. Good for you to stand up to him.

Sara - posted on 02/03/2013

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Seth he actually did have a problem with it. It was every time he had a spare moment I wasn't around. If I took a shower he was quickly on the computer looking and trying to hide it before I got out, if I went grocery shopping, if I was taking a nap, at an appointment, even while I was in the hospital with our son before coming home etc. I didn't go into full details as it's my life and not everybody needs to know every aspect of it. I was not "competing." He would in turn lie to me about it. Say it was my brother who had been on the computer if he had been there recently or that he had "accidentally" clicked an ad. I started finding it on his phone, not to mention him going on adult friend finding sites because of the pictures on there. If you don't think that doing something you had promised your wife you wouldn't do, lying to her about it, hiding it, and attempting to put blame on others, is a problem then I truly feel sorry for whoever is.will be your wife. Also I'd appreciate if you didn't attempt to belittle what I had went through, you were not the one going through it, therefor you really couldn't tell what had actually happened and what I was doing in your eyes.

P.S.
A wife shouldn't have to deal with a "plural relationship" with porn or anything else. A husband should be faithful and honest, as should a wife.

P.P.S.
this has been dealt with for nearly 3 years now.

[deleted account]

If he's calling you names and putting you down you should leave him. That's not okay. The trust being betrayed is bad enough, but the belittling of your self esteem has to be dealt with. You're better than that and no man should be making you feel that you are less worthy. If you keep allowing it to happen you may go into a depression.

Sherry - posted on 02/03/2013

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Seth,
Again, I must correct you, you are sadly mistaken. Sara's problem is that she is married to a human, regular, man who has allowed himself to be seduced by this sin of pornography. This is completely unacceptable. They need help with this problem from a Godly resource like a pastor or a Christian counselor. "100% of men who watch porn" is a complete lie!!! Sara nor any other wife should ever accept this.

We have not "evolved into plural relationships" either! The Bible clearly teaches that in a Godly marriage there is one woman and one man, no other person or thing, is included other than the Holy Spirit who simply binds them together in Christ. Sara do not be misled, and seek the help that you and your husband need as soon as possible, if you have not already done so.

Seth, please stay off the Christian portion of this site until you have actually read, understood, and believe the Bible's truths! They are still absolutely true and relevant for today!

Seth - posted on 02/03/2013

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Sara, it doesn't sound like your husband has a porn problem, it sounds like you have a self confidence problem. Your fine just the way you are. Stop trying to compete and coexist.

Look at porn statistics. Your husband is just part of the 100% of men who watch porn.

Porn isn't something you have to compete with. It doesn't kiss, it doesn't hug, it doesn't whisper kinky things into your husbands ear.... Quit thinking you're competing.

As a species we've evolved to be in plural relationships. Our creation of god and his "rules" somewhere along the way, along with the embrace of the agricultural revolution, created a scenario where your husbands natural tendencies to populate the world aren't being met. Porn helps him fill that need/desire.

Don't let "god's" expectations ruin your marriage.

Good luck!

Sara - posted on 02/03/2013

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First off, you're not over-reacting. You were under the assumption he was on the same page as you because HE had told you so, so for him to in turn start lying to you about both things you object to gives you every right to become worried. In my eyes (and I've already went through this with my husband) if he has to hide something from you, it's just as bad as cheating. My rule is, if you can't tell your spouse and/or children what you had just been doing, you shouldn't be doing it. I had a problem with my husband over porn while I was pregnant with our first, caught him on multiple websites, multiple times. It came to the point where I told him to choose his family or his websites, so far there's been no more problems. For anybody who is going to reply with saying I had over reacted or that watching porn in a relationship is fine, think of it this way. You're pregnant/just had a baby, how do you feel about yourself and body? Not too great! You're sore and unable to have sex still for a while. And your husband in turn starts looking at smaller women with "perfect" bodies doing God knows what and in turn he's then thinking about that, not you. How is that supposed to make us feel after we had just given up our bodies (literally) for 10 months to give them a child? And like Denikka said, the main issue is definitely about him hiding things from you. I would talk to him and give him the choice. You deserve honesty in a spouse.

Jill - posted on 01/29/2013

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I am just sickened by the posts of people who throw out the Bible & a pastor's wife who would defend the abusive actions of a husband committed against his wife. I'm so glad there are moms here who have shared what scripture has to say about love, sex, adultery & how the church should respond. The church body is called to love one another & build one another up to love & good deeds. When one part of the body is sick the whole body is sick. In order to help rest this mother, her husband to health & ultimately their marriage & family to health, sincere love calls us to judge something wrong. There are also Christian organizations out there that help couples completely transform their relationship. I know of a couple who faced this very same problem. The husband was a gynochologist. He came to the place where he realized he needed to be a teacher instead of remain in a practice. & had to give up pornography. He teaches interns in a different specialty. He actually found a program specifically for doctors. Doesn't that make you stop & think. This couple also attended a program together called Ancient pathways. It is designed to help couples look at the reasons for issues in their relationships of many kinds. Patterns of behavior /sin to unravel for the husband. & wife. The husband must first be willing & have a change of heart. ( meaning of repentace) Sincere love calls for exhortation. I'll. Pray for you. Trust on the one who gives salvation. He is saving us from sin so we can truely live. If your husband won't repent, God gives you permission to divorce him. Leave this as a matter of prayer. Trust God's leading. If he calls you to leave the marriage, remember that He is our Father in heaven & we're the bride of Christ. God in His perfect love will care for us. In Hebrew the word for love is ahava which means literally TO GIVE .. Read your bible..
it's full of examples of His love.
May the Lord bless you & keep you & keep you & make His face to shine upon you & give you peace.

Chrisite - posted on 01/26/2013

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Hi Sarah,
Having gone through this in my past, I understand your hurt and pain. The first thing I would suggest is to start praying for your husband. He is probably feeling guilt and pain knowing he has gone behind your back and done things he said he would never do. He also knows that he has been dimished in your eyes and may no longer be your hero, and that hurts and embarrasses him. He is trying to fill a need that he probably is not even aware of, so I would suggest that you seek a professional Christian counsellor who can walk you through this. You should know that what he is doing does not mean that he doesn't love you! Stay centered on Christ and remember that people are weak. Paul said in Romans 7 that he always does the things that he doesn't want to do, so things have not changed much over the centuries! I will pray for you guys.
ChristieT

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