Any advice on how to deal with our rebellious 21 year-old daughter who is now living with non-Christian, drug-using boyfriend/father of their baby girl?

Cindee - posted on 04/29/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Our daughter, whom we have raised to have Christian beliefs and morals, chose to go her own way when she was 18, by dating non-believers and then getting involved in a past relationship with a guy who also has been raised in a Christian home, but turned away from the faith. He has been in trouble with the law, has trouble holding a job and is deeply troubled by anxiety, depression (most likely from his withdrawl when he is attempting to stay clean). Our daughter got pregnant by him and they have a 6-month old daughter, whom I adore, but also worry about because of the situation she is exposed to. I know our daughter loves the baby, but her main priority is taking care of her boyfriend, who has frequent panic/anxiety attacks and is extremely manipulative. I think she thinks she can change him or make him better. She has made promised us and his parents that she holds him accountable for not using (drugs) and that they will go to church, but we have yet to see it. Our daughter has always been one to get easily frustrated and overwhelmed and she calls me when the baby is crying, for advice, but beyond that stops me at any other advice - which I have learned, if I want a relationship with her, to not give. I need prayer for God's will and any suggestions would be appreciated.

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Michelle - posted on 05/18/2012

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I'm not actually part of this group, don't know why it showed up but it did and I thought I'd give it a read. Have you considered talking to her and his parents about sending him to rehab? Perhaps that would be best as it would allow your daughter time to look after their daughter and make any changes that she needs to whilst he is away.

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Angela - posted on 05/17/2012

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Once your daughter's partner is "in a better place" with his own health, mental state and general fitness she will hopefully give quality time to their child. This is something to pray for. And tell her you're praying for this outcome.

If she's not recognising and acting upon the correct priorities as the parent of a very young child then you need to appeal to her in view of the CHOSEN priorities she seems to prefer to give her time to. Be there for your grandchild and keep praying.

Our God is big enough for this!

Candace - posted on 05/03/2012

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It is hard to let go and give all to Him. I don't know of one person who can honestly say they have, can or will. We intend to but I think its just habbit for us to worry. Add in the fact its our children its double worry. it does help to ask ourselves those questions though. It helps put it in a new light. Does God answer prayers? Of course or we wouldn't be praying. Does God hear us? Once again of course, and we obvioulsy believe it or we wouldn't be praying. Its easy giving it to Him but not so easy letting it go. If someone masters it please let me know! I will say, when I heard a sermone at church on letting go and give to God my life has been less complicated. We still have to do our part but their comes a time when there's nothing left to do on our end. Pages like this are amazing and such a support. God bless each and everyone of us. Parenting is the hardest, most important and least appriciated job out there! Wouldn't change it for the world!

Carla - posted on 05/02/2012

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And Candace proves another point as to why this community is so helpful and encouraging to us! Each person has a different life experience, so each person has something uniquely from their perspective to help us grow.

Having complete and total faith in Jesus takes practice! It does NOT come automatically. That's why Jesus said in John that God gives us the power to become the sons of God, not that we are automatically sons of God at salvation. Remember His parable about the seeds and the sower. Some faith springs up instantly, and these people seem like super-Christians--but their faith hasn't been tested, so when the sun (trials) rises, those people don't have the proper tools to stand. If you look in your garden you will see some plants thriving, and some not. Plants thriving are in the perfect sun/shade location, have the proper amount of water, have plenty of room for their little roots to grow, and have been properly fertilized. Same with us--are we in the perfect location? Are we in the center of God's will? Do we get watered regularly? Reading the Word and praying are the water. Do we have room to grow, or are we riding on Mom's or Pastor's salvation and not developing our own? And, finally, sadly, is trials. Trials are the fertilizer, or manure, if you pardon my analogy. NOTHING grows without fertilizer! All these things take us poor humans a lifetime to figure out, then apply. I was a terribly slow learner! It took me til age 50 to figure out I couldn't follow Jesus MY way. It HAS to be His way! When we put all these tools in place, our faith blossoms into the beautiful flower Jesus planted way back when. And, He is a very patient Gardener--He watches over us, and I see Him beaming over us as we get our act together and flourishing :)

So, God bless, my dears. Just remember we are ALL flowers-in-training--don't get discouraged, don't look at the rose beside you thinking you are doing something wrong because you aren't beautiful like it. You don't know WHAT that rose had to go through to become to fruition.

Cindee - posted on 05/01/2012

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Thank you Candace for the reminder that God is in control and worry is my lack of faith in Him that He can and will change things. I appreciate hearing that because it makes me realize that I have to be an example to those who aren't saved in my family, to show that God is bigger than the problem and that I do trust Him. I know He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called, according to His purpose.

Candace - posted on 05/01/2012

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First off i will keep your family in prayer. Second, we are all guilty of giving God our problems through prayer then turning around and taking them back by worry. Your a mother so of course worry is part of our job, but when we give it to God and take it back, we are telling Him He cant handle it. We are telling Him that we are better at solving our problems then He is. Once you pray about God taking control of the situation and bringing them back to their faith, let it go. Do you believe He hears you? Don't you believe He answers our prayers? Pray believing He will fix it and let it go. Give it to God fully. Praying for them is the best thing you can do. Last, don't discuss it anymore. I know I know, i'am asking the world of you, trust me , i understand, but once again your taking it back from God. Make sure you are in church every Sunday and call and ask if they need a ride. If they say no, say "ok just checking, love you and goodby". I have came from both sides before so i understand. Good luck, give to God and God bless.

Carla - posted on 04/30/2012

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Cindee, thanks for the sweet words. We ALL get discouraged, and we ALL need someone to tell them it's okay. I needed your affirmation that I am a comfort and encouragement--I sure can't be that to my own family. Circle of Moms has given me a place to run for shelter and to help others. I pray God sends some woman like you, to my daughter, who will be able to get through the hard shell she has made around herself.



God bless, sweetheart, I know God understands--He had to watch Jesus hang on the cross and resist the urge to run to get Him down.

Cindee - posted on 04/30/2012

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Carla, you have such a beautiful way of encouraging and speaking the truth! You are a very strong woman, and I can sense God is using you to help others. I am so sorry for what you have experienced with your own daughter. Jesus does strengthen us and He knows our pain. Thank you for the kindness in your message and for the scriptures. I do lean on those and know God is at work and has his hand on the situation. I have faith she will return to the Lord and pray once she flees from sin, she will grow in her walk and someday use what she has been through to help others, like you have. Your posts to others is a Godsend. Keep doing what you are doing and God bless you!

Cindee - posted on 04/30/2012

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Thank you Jeorge, for your encouragement and prayers. The Lord has kept me strong and I stay focused on knowing He has a bigger and better plan. I do have faith that my daughter will return to the Lord eventually. I explained to my daughter that she was putting her child in harm's way and it was neglect if she allowed any drug use to take place in the home, and even for the mere fact that she would choose for her and her daughter to be in that sort of environment, is detrimental. She insisted her boyfriend wasn't using and that they were good parents and that they love their daughter. The baby's other grandmother and I discussed calling Child Protective Services because of our concerns. I initiated calling for information, and then the other grandma called and filed a report - so that her son could be monitored and tested. Unfortunately, all they requried is for him to drop a UA in 30 days and to my knowledge, not much follow-up has taken place. I keep praying for God's will and for her eyes to be open and her to get fed up with his behavior.

Carla - posted on 04/30/2012

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Ah, Cindee, I hear you. But, sweetheart, almost ALL kids have to step off the path and try to figure out life for themselves, me included. I know it is difficult for mothers, and you will shed buckets of tears and your stomach will be in a knot--a LOT. There are two verses which have helped me through--Proverbs 22:6--'train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart'. We have a daughter 45, who we have not seen since 2000, along with our grandchildren. Obviously she isn't 'old' enough yet, but I cling to this hope God has promised. Daniel 11 talks about the End Times, 33-35 talks about those of understanding--35 says 'and some of them of understanding shall fall, to try them, and to purge, and to make them white, even to the time of the end: because it is yet for a time appointed'. This was me, and it IS my child. I straddled the fence for a long time, until I went through a life-changing crisis--when I had NO OTHER place to go, but to run to Jesus. I did! It is also my brothers and sister. But Daniel gives me so much hope! Those of us who have been in the world know it's attractions and lures, and have compassion for those who are struggling. WE are going to be the ones to help others come out of sin and into the glorious Light of the Gospel! I can now counsel and encourage others in a way I never would have been able to without having gone through some of these things myself.



Sorry for the mini-sermon ;) I wanted to give you encouragement that yes, it looks bad, but God has His hand on your daughter, and He will whisper sweetly in her ear until she comes back to Him.



My prayers for you, and all others who are going through this is that you run to Jesus yourselves, and lean on His promises. You will NEVER be sorry!



God bless, darling

Jeorge - posted on 04/29/2012

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I will keep all of you in my prayers. I think you are doing the right thing. Love your daughter and granddaughter do what you can to help. If you believe he is doing drugs anywhere near the baby than you need to report it. That is child abuse and if your daughter knows about it she is guilty as well. I know the last thing you want is for them to loose the baby but they could hurt her or neglect her and not mean it. That baby can not protect her self you have to do it if her parents won't.

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