Christian Single Mom

Kara - posted on 01/19/2010 ( 32 moms have responded )

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Hi, I am getting divorced from my husband (he had a gf) and I'm kinda scared about being a single mom. I went to look at the single mom circles for advice about raising a little boy on my own but so much of it was about dead beat dads and a lot of not Christian advice. I just want to know if there are any other women like me who want to help thier little boys become Godly men but just don't have one there for a model and don't know what to do.

Kara

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Alisha - posted on 07/30/2012

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I've been a single mom for 6 years and a Christian for 3 years. My daughter is 6 and I am 25, her dad has substance abuse issues and we pretty much broke up before our daughter was born. We had been together for 3 years on and off. Being a single parent for me is normal, and it's quite amazing to me to be a mother and have help but I know that doing everything alone shouldn't be normal. I know who I am in Christ and raise my daughter so that she will know Him as well. I am a nanny and my daughter comes with me and I also homeschool her. I'm actually in a courtship right now and we will be starting pre-engagement counseling soon so hopefully I won't have to be a single mom for much longer! The best thing I can say as far as being a single mom and a Christian is to pray, get support from women at your church, get involved in Bible studies and accountability groups. Really, it is only through God's strength that we can do anything! If you want to talk more, I'd be happy to!

Teresa - posted on 07/07/2013

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Keep him involved in church where he will be around christian men. Cubscouts/boyscouts is a great organization to instill good christian values. You don't say whether dad is MIA right now. But getting your son involved in activities that allow him to relate to christian me will help. Of course, never let him go wihtout you. In the cubscouts ( I'm a den leader) no scout goees alone with any leader. There are always two that are not related. That protects the leaders and the scout. JAmes Dobson wrote book, "Raising Boys" that is very good, and christian.

Taj - posted on 01/25/2014

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Hi Karla! I know what your feeling. I've always been a strong person but felt powerless that I couldn't fix the situation between me & my husband. I've some mistakes going though that process because I was hurting. But God's strength rose up on the inside of me. We kept serving The Lord with prayer & bible reading at home. We stayed active at our church no matter what & I kept my sons active in sports, school & things that would be a blessing & have with them. I know it hurts right now. When you look at his face & he wonders why or what happened. I had to share with my sons at the right moment that me raising you alone without your dad is not God's best but god will bless us & see us through this. Ive share with them that we are a team & that we have to keep our focus on The Lord & continue to pray for your father. I'm not married anymore to him but I'm still concerned about his spiritual growth in god. My ex to started a family with two other children while I was married to him. I forgave him because God forgave me of my sins. Last time I checked, Jesus didn't do one thing wrong & he was crucified. But god gave him the victory to save me. Cast all your cares on The Lord. If you need to cry, cry. God understands what your heart & understands every tear that you cry. God will bring you through this in power, in victory & in in love. His will give you your hearts desires as long as they line up with his word. I have gotten serious with any man only because I have an assignment to raise my sons first. I'll keep u in my prayers.

Taj - posted on 01/23/2014

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I understand. I was married to a cop & he said that he was Christian in which I doubt because he divorced himself from me long before the divorced because he has another family. He phi socially doesn't help with easing our sons & get angry at times& are numb to what he does.

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Taj - posted on 01/25/2014

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I agree that men have to be taught how to be kingdom men & women have to be taught how be kingdom women. God set an order in the home regarding marriage & the family & that doesn't change because people change their views or opinions. I agree with your comment. I wasn't an unwed mother. I was married & stayed on the assignment that god has given concerning my sons. It hasn't always been easy & I'm not perfect but my heart really loves god. That's why u don't walk out on my family. Because god loves me so....much & has forgiven so......much! Thanx for your comment.

Taj - posted on 01/25/2014

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God has done some awesome miracles for us on this journey. We have very active at our church since I turned my life to Christ as a teen. I don't care how my ex treat me so to speak because I give that to The Lord. Children shouldn't be treated in a negative way by their parent. Before, during or unfortunately after a marriage. He's never really been involved. A lot of prayer has gotta us through in life.

Taj - posted on 01/25/2014

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I read that book by James Dobson years ago. I've dived in deeper with my prayer life.

Taj - posted on 01/25/2014

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Thanx you for your comments. My sons are in ministry at our church. I gave them to The Lord when I found out that I was pregnant. Life has been an awesome journey. Both of my sons are very active in sports. I'm involved in everything concerning their school & sports. My oldest son has been team captain for 2 football seasons & in wrestling. They are peer mediators at school. They are so helpful around the house. My challenge is the disappointment that they've had to deal with regarding their father. He doesnt participate in nothing in their lives. He lets months go by before calls them or see them. They're strong young men but they love their father to.

Price - posted on 06/18/2013

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Pray above all for guidance and direction as you travel this difficult journey. Take your son to church and get him involved in Sunday School and any other church activities for little ones. Meet with your pastor, minister, priest, etc... to talk about your concerns (only if you feel comfortable doing so). Get involved in church activities yourself to meet other Christian families. My daughter is a single parent with three children (two are grown and one is a teenager). She is active in the church and her youngest helps with our Children's Church Program and he attends Sunday School. We have what I call "Jesus Time" where we spend a few minutes saying our prayers. At this time I do ask them who they want to pray for and what is bothering them so that they learn how to give their concerns to God, but at the same time, we teach them to thank God for our many blessings. Simple Bible Stories for young children is also a good idea because it gives them a better understanding of what God can do and how much He loves us. Give God all of your pain, your worries, and be thankful He will always be there for you and your son.

God Bless

Christina - posted on 06/13/2013

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I am a single Mormon mom, which is Christian. I know what you are going thru. When I got divorced my son was only 6 at the time. I have found getting him involved in church and their activities helps alot. Keeping him close to those type of families where those kids become his friends and he sees how it is suppose to be. Will help. Daily family prayer, having church members over for dinner, playdates with other church members kids. It will all help. If your soon to be ex is a good father and just a crappy hubby. Well encourage that relationship, set up boundaries about having other women becoming revolving doors in your sons life though. Good luck.

Angela - posted on 06/08/2013

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Kurtis, I applaud your post and totally agree with what Carla says. However, I’d just like to point a few things out:
a) Not every single parent family is headed by an unwed mother! Many are divorced mothers or widows.
b) Some single parent families are headed by lone fathers! Divorced and widowed men – yes – and even unwed Dads as well! Talking about ministries for single mothers rather than for single parents, not only negatively labels such families and the women that try their best for their children with no husband or partner to share the burden, but also implicitly states there are no single fathers!
c) Not every single mother raising kids alone has an ex-husband/partner who ran out on her or didn’t meet his responsibilities. Some women got pregnant and the guy involved never even found out! Yes it’s good to pray for your children’s father, but do so simply for his own sake that he finds peace in his life rather than pray in hopes of reconciliation. The fact remains that many single parents are single for a reason. Let’s not EVER chase the notion that any Dad (or ANY second parent) is better than none. Sometimes the estranged biological parent might be the worst person possible to share in raising those children. “Single blessedness” for a person bringing up kids alone is far better than 2 parents where one is a poor influence and role model (and often a bad partner too) and the other is stressed beyond endurance.
d) It is a sad fact that stepchildren frequently muddy the waters of relationships. After my divorce I never married until my children were grown-up. In fact I attribute my current happiness in part to the fact I never dated men who had kids of their own. I could cry for lots of families where children of all ages are making the lives of their stepparents a misery. I even have a friend who likes and respects her stepmother – now! She admits that she was unreasonably hateful to her as a child – and with no good reason.
Having said all that, many Churches are less than welcoming to single parents. Let me give you an example …..

A friend of mine lived with a man and had 3 children to him. They split because he was violent, abusive and unfaithful. He’d also been in trouble with the Law a few times. He’d been a Christian earlier in his life, before he knew her though. To his credit, after they split, he came back to the Lord. He sought to spend time with his kids and treat their mother with more kindness and respect. Now they did not reunite, and she wasn’t a Christian but it was good that he took some responsibility for his children and took a pride in his family. His Church friends were supportive and welcomed his children. He took the kids to Sunday School and other Christian projects and activities for young people. Then they had a family day out for Church members with children and he invited his children’s mother to join them all. There were no strings attached whatsoever. This was not an attempt to rekindle his relationship with her, just a friendly gesture so she could enjoy a day out with her children and meet people from the Church. It unfortunately went very badly – they treated her very coldly. And the reason it went badly was because these Church friends of his didn’t know that the mother of these children that they’d warmly welcomed from the outset was 20 years younger than the man who was their father! At the time of the Church family outing, this man was 52 years old. His Christian friends expected his children’s mother to be no younger than mid-late 40’s – but she was only 32. She later told him that she thought his friends were cold, judgemental and rude. Ignorant in fact. He admitted that they’d been less than hospitable and said “I think they expected someone older ….” These people were still kind and friendly to him & his kids though!

I’m basically saying that although you sound as though you’re doing a great job helping people at your Church, the Church itself (not necessarily YOU personally) is somewhat bogged down in stereotypes. You’re likely to find that a broader outlook will generate better outcomes.

Good luck – and thank you for your insight!

Carla - posted on 06/07/2013

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Thank you for responding, Kurtis. And, as long as you are here, may I ask you prayerfully consider having a mens' study about what a good husband is? I am probably the oldest one on this forum, and have seen and been involved in husbands who have NEVER been taught the Christian man's role in the family. Having teenagers in your group, this is the BEST time to start feeding this into their spirit. If you have read Paul and Peter's writings to the church, they are very plain that the man is responsible for his wife and family's spirituality. Peter said to live with knowledge with your wife, otherwise your prayers will be hindered. God takes marriage very seriously, and expects Man to be His representative to the family.

If you'd like to talk further, you can private message me. I feel very passionately about this topic, as others here can attest.

God bless your work

Carla

Kurtis - posted on 06/07/2013

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Kara,

I happened to run across your post while doing some research on Single Mothers. I am actually a single male (Youth Director at my church), but I just wanted to encourage you. First of all the best place to find Godly role models for your little boy is in a Bible believing and teaching church. I know no church is perfect... But, If you are not attending regularly or are not being taught from the Bible weekly, I encourage you to find a church family where that takes place. You may be able to find a single moms ministry at the church or at a church nearby? Secondly, ask God for wisdom (James 1:5) and hold to the truth of the Bible. We have numerous single moms in the fellowship at our church, and It does break my heart to see families who have had father's fail them. I also encourage you to pray for your little boy's father. God can and does change hearts in men. (2 Cor. 5:17) Although never married, I can testify to being a man with a heart changed by God's grace and forgiveness in spite of my sin and foolishness in my past. Also, God promises to be a father to the fatherless in Psalm 68:5... Trust in the Lord (Prov 3:5-6) It is a blessing to me to be able to mentor some young men in my home church whose fathers are minimal in their lives. One family whoever, who stands out (the oldest by is studying to be a pastor - and I am confident will make a fine preacher of God's Word) was from a family abandoned by an abusive/alcoholic dad. He has a Godly mother and grandmother. Consider Timothy (2 Timothy 1:5).

Blessings,
Kurt

Carla - posted on 01/28/2013

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Yet again, Carla Allair? Nothing you can say or do will shake those who are truly God's. Your posts only strengthen my belief that you are lost and lonely, looking for a Savior. I pray He makes Himself real to you.

Catherine - posted on 01/28/2013

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keep him in church the men in church will show him and don't hate on his dad always be there for him but let him know that you have feeling too and remember you are human and you make mistake too hope this help its what I did

Jodi - posted on 01/28/2013

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what about your church? These role models don't have to be someone living with you or constantly with your son. Just being around them on a regular basis every week can make a difference. What about grandparents? Also the things that you are verbal about will stick with him too as he grows up. Speak and behave in ways that you want him to become and talk to him about why you personally behave the ways you do and about how you live your life in accordance with your beliefs. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

SHERRELL - posted on 01/22/2013

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Just pray about it, don't let unforgiveness live in your heart knowone is worth it. God bless.

Pat - posted on 08/03/2012

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you arent alone! im a single mom of 3 girls.. well, my 14 yr old just moved in with her dad, but i have the 5 and 3 year olds still. the little ones dad is totally out of the picture, no, its not easy by any means, but i am finding God is so faithful. I thankfully have my father still and he watches them while i work...so they have a father figure. is it the same? no,but its part of Gods plan. as for anyone you may choose to bring in their lives, do a thorough background search, not just megans law. i dont know about all the states, but in california, you can be convicted for molesting a child and if you meet certain rules, can be excluded from showing online. you may have to pay or go to the police station, but its a must. my ex is still out doing evil because the woman he was seeing didnt see him on megans law and figured he was ok. and i dont mean to be a damper..but i wouldnt want to see anyone else hurt.
stay close to God, it will be ok. there are a lot of us out there!

Angela - posted on 08/01/2012

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I left my husband as he was not a good partner or a good father. Of my 4 children, 3 were boys. I was a single parent for many years, by the time I had another husband (20 years after I'd split from the first one), all my kids were grown up!

But when I left their father, my own mother reminded me that I was doing the right thing for my children and with 3 sons, this man wasn't the right role model for them.

My children had male influence in their lives nevertheless, I have a couple of brothers, my own father (now deceased) and various friends. My grown sons are now all well-rounded individuals.

The other point I want to make is about getting a new husband. Some of the posts I've read here on Christian Moms & also on Christian Mommies (not necessarily on this thread, but elsewhere) seem to infer that it's of priority importance to find a man to marry and take on the father role with your family. I think this is a bit scary for any men who may wish to simply be your "friend" or possibly even take it to the next level, establish a relationship and think about commitment. There's even something faintly desperate about it! Meeting a partner and playing the dating game is something of a minefield even when you DON'T already have children. In-between my marriages I had relationships with 2 or 3 men and LOADS of dates. And no matter how cool you play it, men will also react to your situation.

I had a lighthearted date with a nice guy and we both enjoyed ourselves, at some point in the evening when we were chatting he said "I really like you but I don't want a relationship with you because you have 4 children ...."

Another one that was chatting to me asked "Who do you live with?" and I said "With four children and a small grey cat ...." and he said "well that's a lot to take on, four children ....." I never even asked him to take my children on, we'd only just met! (Never mind, the cat probably wouldn't have liked him anyway, LOL!!)

Yet there are others who are looking to build a foundation and establish a serious relationship from the word go .... Men like this LIKE to date single mothers. Chances are she already has her own home independent of her parents (whether her home is owned or rented, it's a building she's made into a home) this makes life nice & easy ..... Twice on first dates I've been asked by the man if I would think about getting married again. And I'm like "What?!?!?!?" They never got the chance of a second date.

All of the above applies to Christian men as well as non-Christian men.

Move forward with your head held high. Don't look "desperate".

Elisha - posted on 07/30/2012

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Hon, I'm a Christian single mom, too, of two precious little girls. If you need someone to talk to message me!

Sabrina - posted on 02/13/2010

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Oh my Kara,
I was a single mom of 4 when my husband left us for his gf. I understand the fear but always remember God is Faithful. I agree with some of the other posts about talking to your church family about getting your son a mentor. Boys really do learn best from other men. Though I am remarried to a good christian man I remember very vividly the nights alone and my doubts of my own abilities. I have four boys now and they are a handful. You need to cling to your faith, pray with your son, and be the example that your husband wasn't.

Loving you in prayer
Sabrina

Carla - posted on 02/13/2010

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This is for Mandy Smith: I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you! You went through a horrible ordeal and chose the loving way to handle it. You are an inspiration to young women today, darling! God richly bless you!

Carla - posted on 02/13/2010

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Julie is right, find a Godly man (check him thoroughly first), and hopefully you aren't in Julie's position where her support-line isn't good (sorry, Julie, I'll pray for you, sweetie). My daughter is going through this right now with her almost 15-year-old. His father walked out on him as he walked out on his mother, and his anger is almost tangible. A boy NEEDS to learn to be a man from a man--women just can't cut that one. We want to make them 'sensitive', but men need to learn the realities of what a man is, something women can't do. Talk to your pastor, maybe he can recommend someone for your son to spend time with. I don't know how he is, but maybe get him in scouts, Royal Rangers, boys club, karate, kick boxing, school sports. Male interraction is vital to a health development of a child, both male and female. Good luck, sweetie.

Julie - posted on 02/11/2010

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I know it's not quite the same as I have a daughter, but I think girls need Godly male role models nearly as much as men do. It's hard as my ex husband is both extremely abusive and promiscuous and it can be hard to explain some things my daughter wants to know about especially when he, his only living immediately family member, his "wife", his "girlfriends", his boyfriends and his "friends" all teach her that violence, drug use and sleeping around is the way to go.

It's even harder when my own parents are violent, abusive people who neglect my daughter on their court ordered time (it doesn't matter how many times they "forget" to pick her up from school, in family court, grandparental "rights" come before a child's safety).

But I do have a good brother who is a strong christian man and he makes time for my daughter and shows her what a real man should be.

And at the end of the day, I believe that is what matters most - in this day and age when courts insist children be sent to shared custody with all sorts of bad influences, as long as your child has at least one close good man to show them how real men should be like, that is what matters.

Susan - posted on 01/24/2010

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I pray that the Lord will restore your husband to you and your son. That He will make your husband the kind of man that He wants Him to be. And that you will find forgivness. May His peace be with you and may He mold you into His image.

T - posted on 01/23/2010

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Hey Kara- I was a single mom until my son was almost five. I had a serious b/f who turned into my fiance when he was four. But for the first 2-3 years, I was on my own. I believe those times with my son made our relationship stronger. He is a little man of God. He believes in treating women with respect and he prays everyday. We are very close. I turned to God in a new way after fleeing my abusive ex with my 10 week old son. God showed me how to forgive that person, and how the most important thing in my life is my son, and I need to put being a mother first. I pray daily and even though I have the support now of my husband, who adopted my son, I still draw on the strength I had to find when I was single. God bless you and keep your head up. Your son is blessed to have you as his mother.

THOMI - posted on 01/21/2010

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Kara, I'll pray for you as you go through your journey. I'm right there w/ you, just seperated 4 months ago due to abuse. God has been so faithful and calmed my every fear. I just want to encourage you to trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your path straight. (Proverbs 3:5)

Catherine - posted on 01/20/2010

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depen on your church family i know in my church there are a lot of men that love to menter your son just keep him in church and tell him how much god loves him and you and that dad is lost right know but god is keeping a eye on him please dont talk bad about his dad where he can hear you

Mandy - posted on 01/20/2010

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I was single for 3 years (i was rapped and chose to keep the baby) I turned 21 3 days before having my daughter and it is difficult being a single parent and being a christian. What helped me was finding support wherever i could. My parents are a ton of help, my daughter looked to my dad as a father figure till i got married a few months ago. I have a great friend that is male and would come over and play with her, take her to the park etc etc you may be supprised to see how supportive your friends will be and dont be afraid to just call and cry to them, real friends will listen. If your son is in school and has friends talk to his friends parents and see what the dads suggest or if they can help in any way. I know my church has a ton of stuff for children see what your church offers and take advantage of it.If you need anything feel free to email me.

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