Constant inappropriate comments/questions from non-christian friends

Julie - posted on 02/18/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Let me start with my situation. I'm a single mum because my exhusband was a violent, crossdressing, serial cheat having multiple long term affairs with women and casual sex with men and women both. I have a wonderful christian man now who I intend to marry.

I'm starting to get really frustrated by constantly being asked (basically told) why am I not living with this man/not having sex with this man.

I do understand that most non-christians think not living together and not having sex before marriage is silly. I've even had some so called "friends" come right out and call me stupid for not having sex before marriage and not living together before we get married.

I don't constantly criticize their decisions I'm morally opposed to (particularly having sex guys/girls they hardly know, moving in together after hardly knowing someone).

The final straw tonight was a friend who I've known 15 years now (half my life), when I was talking about my boyfriend, instead of asking "so when's the wedding", it was "so when are you guys moving in together". It wasn't just the one comment, it was everything after that. After 15 years, this guy still refuses to accept my beliefs - and worse still, he made it pretty clear that he thinks I'd compromise my values to be with a man, that I'd just toss in what I believe for the first guy who comes along.

This guy has known me a lot longer than most people, and it hurts that he'd think I was that shallow - and that my boyfriend must just be some loser, first guy that came along.

My boyfriend is as good as they come - he has all the things the world values - good career, money, house, car, and very handsome. He also has all the things that a christian should value too - lives by the bible, kind, caring, loyal, has the right values. And on top of that, he has all the bonus things I love in a guy - like being a genuine genius.

He's as good as they come - and I honestly don't know how I was so lucky to meet him, and how he hasn't been snapped up by some other woman already.

I can handle the comments (basically criticisms) from strangers and acquaintances about why we don't live together and not having sex, but I am really starting to get annoyed by "friends" who do it.

If it was just disagreeing with my values, I could half understand - but it's getting personal the constant implications that I only believe my values in theory and would ditch them when it comes time to live by them (or not live by them).

It's not easy either - having been married before, I miss marital intimacy, and because my boyfriend and I choose not to live together before we get married and he can't move because of work, and I can't afford to get my own place nearer him, choosing not to live together, means we don't get to see each other often during the school/university term.

I think what's worse though, isn't just the comments from non christian friends- some of my so called "christian" friends have also been trying to push us to living together (and some even trying to push us to have sex). They supposedly know it's wrong, so why constantly put me in the position where I have to defend my choice to do the moral thing?

I know when we get married, it will all be irrelevant, but right now, when I miss him so much and don't get to see him much (although we do talk nearly every day, usually for hours) purely because of our choice to do the right thing, it's hard dealing with people constantly attacking our choice.

It's a struggle not to snap at some people with the not nice comments being made.

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Carla - posted on 02/18/2011

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I Peter 4:4--'wherein they think it strange that ye run not with them to the same excess of riot, speaking evil of you....verse 16 'Yet if any man suffer as Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.'

My friends thought it strange, when I quit drinking and running around, and, indeed, I lost 98% of them. NO ONE wants someone sitting beside them that testifies to their sins. Even if you say nothing, they KNOW how you feel, but want you to participate with them, so THEY feel better about their decisions.

We are a peculiar people, a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, and the world can't understand Spirit, because they are carnal. I don't think you have to explain to them why you aren't sleeping together. That is your business, not theirs. 'We follow Biblical guidelines for our dating, and will sleep together on our wedding night.' If they don't get it after that, they will never get it!

God bless, honey, for your stand, as it is obviously not an easy one!

Kim - posted on 02/20/2011

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You have certainly recieved some terrific advise. Every decision we make, every word we utter....we simply need to ask ourselves....Would this be pleasing to the Lord? If we can answer yes, regardless of pressure from others, then we are making the right choices. It is also our duty as Christians to live our lives by example. I spent many years walking down the wrong path, folding to pressure and "social acceptance". I finally figured out why I was so miserable, having only fleeting moments of fun and passion, only to be followed by non-stop guilt and self-loathing. I knew my life was not pleasing to the Lord. I committed myself to walk with Lord in January of 2010. I lost many "friends" and some family members just tolerate me at the holidays. But, I am at peace (or at least finding it) and forever grateful God sacrificed his son Jesus to save me and all of us from eternal damnation. He has cleansed my soul and gave me a sense of calm and hope like I have never known in my life. Maybe some of your friends will follow your example and put their lives in the Lord's hands as well. A true and lasting marriage is built on the foundation the Lord and sustained by your commitment to eachother and God. You have been blessed by God, he has sent you a partner that wants to walk with the Lord. Do not compromise your beliefs and God's grace because of some friends misguided remarks. Also, do not let them anger or upset you. Just pray for them. I will be praying for them and your new found love. Blessings, Kim

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Cyndel - posted on 03/02/2011

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Simply let them know that you don't agree with how they live but you don't preach and lecture about it, that you know their opinion and your choosing not to live with your boyfriend is a discussion that your not willing to have anymore unless they have real questions and not just opinions on how you should be conducting your sex life...or lack there of.
It doesn't have to be rude or snappish, just firm.
I'm so glad that you've chosen to obey Jesus! I pray you have strength til the day of your marriage.

Julie - posted on 03/01/2011

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Thanks for all the comments so far. Just a few thoughts...

@Tania... despite being a normal human being with desires (more so than someone who is a virgin as I've been married and know what I'm "missing"), I don't feel tempted to give into desire - it's like other things in my life - I'm poor but I don't feel tempted to steal to get things that other people would consider necessities that I can't afford.

I've made it clear that I'm ready to get married anytime T (boyfriend) is, but he wants to wait for a few things to happen before we get married. It takes two people to get married, if one doesn't want to yet, pushing the issue only makes more trouble - I know of many couples where one forced or manipulated the other into getting married before they wanted to, and what could have been a great relationship has crashed and burned because of rushing into it.

I'm a patient person, my only worry is my age effecting fertility rather than worry about temptation.

@Melissa... actually I love music. I was a muso at church for a decade, only giving it up because my (now ex) husband wouldn't watch our daughter so I could do it, and no one else was willing. Despite seeing many people come and go while I was in the music ministry, sadly the church's music ministry was full of people who were there for their own glory, not for God's, and I'll be honest - while I love music, I'm only an average musician at best. I wasn't considered "good" enough. And now RSI/carpal tunnel/breaking my wrist last year means I can no longer play. The RSI was actually the other reason I gave up when I couldn't get a babysitter.

Other than that, I'm not really sure what else to do. I played christian soccer for many years, but in my first club everyone else was much older than me (closer to my mum's age - it was the team she played in that I joined) and then the next team I joined, I was older than everybody else. I tried to make friends, but to all the people in the first team I was "the kid" and to everyone in the second team I was "the oldie" even though I was only 25. Now my knee specialist has banned me from playing after four failed knee ops and multiple knee injuries playing soccer.

I joined a taekwondo club run by a christian, where 95% of the class are from the christian school where it is held or their dads, but I'm the only girl over the age of 12 and while the dads are nice guys, they are all much older than me. I'd happily make friends with them, but it gets kind of weird being a not-currently-married woman making friends with an older married man, so I don't get too close.

I'm not sure what else to try. It's hard whenever I make a good christian female friend, they move away. I used to do aqua aerobics and swimming with a lovely christian lady roughly my age, but she moved half a state away, another I used to just hang out with moved over an hour away and we only get to catch up a few times a year because of mismatching life timetables.

What I'd really love is to make some friends who are mums, so we could do things like playdates, have the kids play together while the grown ups hang out, but my daughter's autistic behaviours have scared off every mum I've tried.

I plan to move next year to a new area which will make going to either my old church or the new one i've just started at, a little too far away to get to. Part of me says "oh I'll just wait til I move and then set up a whole new network with the people I meet around my new neighbourhood" but that is roughly 18 months away and it feels like an eternity.

I'd settle for even just one or two good christian girl friends who live locally to do stuff with. Just not sure how to meet them.

Tania - posted on 02/21/2011

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Good on you for staying true to what you believe, Julie!! I had a lot of people who couldn't understand my decision to wait til I was married. Now, those who didn't wait are telling me they wish they had.
Christians putting the pressure on is a bit of a worry. I have noticed that an increasing number of Christians are becoming more accepting and even encouraging of sex before marriage.
Stand strong in what you believe. Smile when others have a go at you for it - they don't know what they are criticizing. You will reap the rewards. They will look on with jealousy. I know it sounds bitchy but it's true.
At the same time, remember what the bible says about it being better to get married than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians). Be wise and prayerful in how long you wait to be married so you don't leave yourself open to temptation.
I don't know if I've offered much help but hopefully some encouragement and a sense of support from a sister in Christ.

Melissa - posted on 02/20/2011

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God deff wants us to have relationships. My pastor is actually going over that this month. God made us to be in relation with Him and others. "We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make your joy complete." 1 John 1:3-4 I use to live a wild life, I was a meth cook 5 years ago. I can't relate to any of those people anymore. I assume by your post it's not that extreme but I can understand the need for friends. I am actually starting a new Music ministry at my church where I will broadcast about once a month when a Christian concert is around and we will go all as a group. We have about 1500 attendies at my church so this is a way for me to meet the people that dont do typical "churchies" events. I have been attending this church for 5 years and I have been having problems finding friends myself so Im excited for this to start. So music might not be your thing, but what is? I bet you can find other Christians that enjoy it and maybe find a good Christian friend or two. Just a suggestion that Im trying out ;) Im praying that God will surround you with strong, faithful, Christian women that will support you and you can support as you walk through this fallen world with! Maybe then those "other" friends can see how TRUE friendship works and that will open there eyes to us CrAzY Christians ;)

Carla - posted on 02/19/2011

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Okay, Julie, you have said it with your own words--your 'friends' are attacking you personally. So I guess my question to you is--are they REALLY your friends? If they have known you decades, if they have seen you live your life before them, they should be able to figure out that this is the way you are, and you are not likely to change.



When I 'got serious' with God, my life changed. I changed. Hanging around with people who only talked about who they slept with, and how much they drank, and how hung over they were didn't have much of an appeal to me. It was kind of a mutual drifting away of our relationships.



When we are 'friends', we accept each other for our values, whether we personally agree or not. We do NOT attack each other, and we do not continue to put each other down. Over the years, and I am quite a bit older than you, I have figured out most people who call me friend, aren't. I have a lot of acquaintances, but no one that I call friend. My values are my life, and those don't mesh with 99.9% of the world, whether Christian or not. I just got a fb from a 'Christian' acquaintance that she is putting together a girls' night out at the local bar for line dancing. That is not my life anymore, and I was, quite frankly, a little surprised at the post.



I hear a lot of women posting here that they are looking for friends. I understand that women are social creatures, and friends are very important to them. They WERE to me, too. But God has made me realize that having friends is nowhere near as important as my relationship with Him (the last girlfriend I had drugged me senseless and seduced my husband) That is NOT the kind of person, Christian or not, that I need in my life!



I know you are thinking that I am putting you down because of your desire for friends, but truly, Julie, I am not. You have a wonderful boyfriend now, one that sounds like he shares your values. I would put my time and energy into cultivating that relationship. 'Friends' come and go, but a man who can be your husband AND friend is someone you treasure.



God bless, honey. I hope you understand what it is I am trying to say to you, and pray on it. Good luck with your new life.

Julie - posted on 02/19/2011

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Thanks Carla. I understand them not understanding my decisions... I guess the part I struggle with though is "friends" thinking I'd ignore all my values.

It doesn't matter that they've seen me live these values my whole life. The particular friend who made comments last night has known me before I started dating my now-ex husband. He's seen me not sleep around and not live together with guys in all my previous dating relationships, he's seen me repeatedly turn down guys for dating because they didn't believe in waiting til marriage.

I could understand it if it were attack on my choice of values - that is "normal' in our current society.

But it's not really an attack on my choice of values - it's an attack on me as an individual - implying I don't take my values seriously. Simply ignoring everything I've said I believe in.

It wouldn't matter what I believe in specifically, these people who keep making inappropriate comments, is more that in decades of friendship, they haven't paid a single bit of attention to me telling them the things that matter to me - and a little bit of self-projection - they would abandon their values to get with a man/woman, so they think everyone else would too.

If they were attacking me for being a Christian, I would be fine with it. It's not really though, it's just being attacked because they think I don't take my values seriously despite decades of showing that I do.

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