Head of the house/ House wife/mum

Sarah - posted on 02/15/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My husband is the leader of the household but i feel like most of the time i'm runniing against him instead of working along side him. He is just like a little boy, but then sometimes he can be the man i really admire. Does anyone else struggle with this? He is holding down two jobs at the moment to support us, not for extra money. he refuses to let me work, which is fine with me and we discuss the budget together. this works but every now and then i feel taken granted for and just something he had to support. I know my role as a housewife/mum is important but i get frustrated when it's expected. i make his lunch, lay out his clothes, pack it in the morning, get our daughter up so he can see her, have his dinner ready so all he has to do it come home, sit down, eat and sleep. I know he is tired but sometimes i really struggle. i know it's prob all in my head and i love doing it all cause i know he apprciates it. Does anyone get what I'm saying?

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Petronela - posted on 02/19/2010

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hi , i do get where you coming from because i am in the same situation and i sometimes feel drainned out of my powers ....aldough we only have 2 kids (older one with ADD) it feels very challenging and sometimes i wonder whether i made the right decission...i am 23 and didnt even got to finish uni before moving to the uk and i always dreamed of having a career and now that dream seems far away:( but when i look at the miracles that have happened in our lives since being together i consider myself blessed. i think we all struggle as our lives comes to a hault to raise the kids and make sure they have the best start in life
put your faith in God and yes there will be days when you struggle just dont forget we have a bigger rewards waiting for us in heaven where we`ll spend eternity not just these few years in this earthly body.Trust the Lord almighty!

Carla - posted on 02/16/2010

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Sarah, I've been married a total of 47 years to two different men (not at the same time). I went through all but the last 3 years with unsaved men. It was difficult! But, I put the principle of letting him be the head of the household in practice. I will not be judged by how he/they ruled the house, but I WILL be judged by how I conducted myself! Being a Christian is tough! There are people all around you that will tell you you 'deserve' better. Obviously God doesn't feel that way, because he put you two together, for better or worse. The one thing I wish I had learned early was this: when we get married, we make a three-way covenant, with our spouse, but also with God. He knows there will be troubles--you can't take two different people, raised by at least two different parents, that goes through two different sets of circumstances, and expect them to live in marital bliss always! Just because your husband/wife isn't living his life the way we expect them to does NOT negate the covenant we made with God at our marriage altar.

We all have free will. He lives his life the way he thinks it is supposed to be lived, and you live yours. I fought, cried, screamed, left, had affairs, all the while telling myself 'I deserve better'! But you know something? I didn't! After a lot of trials, crying and self-examination, I realized I was no better than my husband. I reacted to his bad behavior by acting bad. End result? We both acted bad and did things we are still apologizing for these many years later. It was only by the grace of God that He kept us together.

Both roles, as husband and as wife are difficult. You have no idea what's going on inside his head, and he is afraid to find out what's going on inside yours ;) It took 35 years for my husband and I to FINALLY start caring enough to find out what was really going on inside each other. I wanted a husband off one of the soap operas--you know the one: handsome, smart, wealthy, caring, compassionate. But you know what? Those men don't exist! men aren't wired that way, and women need to understand that. When you ask them what they're thinking, and they say nothing, they are telling you the truth! Their brains aren't constantly thinking about relationships and the home (nest) because that is what women think about. Men have to worry about if John is going to get the promotion instead of him, and then what am I going to do? The company is laying off people, will I be next? How am I going to put the kids through college? How am I going to make the car run a little longer? Sensitivity is not a man's strong suit, again, he isn't wired that way! I have long since quit waiting for my husband to look over at me with those chocolate-brown eyes and say 'I adore you', like on the soap opera. When he says 'love ya, babe' that is enough, and I know he does. When he fixed the dishwasher for me, he is telling me he loves me. When he goes out and warms up the car in the morning, he is telling me he loves me.

I STILL pick his dirty socks up out of the living room (he is almost 60). It is easier to pick them up than to fight over it. I put the ketchup and mustard away and clean up the mustard before it stains the counter for him. I pick out his clothes because stripes and checks hurt my eyes ;)

Love is a choice, and a marriage that works is also a choice. It's hard work, sometimes it's nasty. The roller coaster of emotions you may go through in a day is dizzying. But it is also the best thing that happened to me, other than Jesus, and it's worth bending down and picking up stinky socks. You and Jesus sit down and have a little chat. He understands your frustration, He watched His mother and father fight over the same things! He knows that, if you put your faith in Him, the bumps in the road smooth out and you will look back 30 years from now and say 'it's been worth it'. Good luck, darling.

Alison - posted on 02/15/2010

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Does anyone not get what you are saying? Being a housewife is a VERY challenging job. In a lot of ways it is more challenging that working outside of the home (like I do). I think a lot of moms/wives do not get the recognition they need and deserve. I have been married for less than 6 years and my oldest is only 3 1/2, but what I see and read leads me to believe that your "need" for recognition is a legitimate one and an important one. If you husband does not learn to help you feel appreciated, your marriage will suffer (Christians are not immune to divorce or extra-marital affairs). If your husband does not feel appreciated, I am sure he would let you know.



Have you tried to talk to him about this? Do what you must to help him understand and learn to meet this need (get others involved, ask him to read a book on relationships with you, etc.).

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Tracy - posted on 02/23/2010

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Being a stay at home mum can be very exhausting and you don't get a pay check as a thankyou each week. Hang in there sweety as alI of us who have chosen to stay home have felt like you from time to time.
Also I believe that the husbands role is to be the "spiritual head of the house". Not the boss. Otherwise what would be the point of having a brain if everything he didn't agree with was over ruled because he is the head. I totally believe as the spiritual head of the house he has more responsibility to lift his family up in prayer, now that is a leader and the head of the house to me. btw... there is nothing more loving then your husband walking in this role and caring for his family in this way.

Alison - posted on 02/17/2010

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WRT your husband's depression... I must agree that it will be hard for him to take any form of criticism (if he is anything like me). Do your best to focus on the positive and offer him lots of encouragement and gratitude. Also remember the blessing you have to offer this gift to your child (children) and to enjoy these special years thanks to your hubby's hard work. Remember that there are thousands (or millions) of moms in your shoes. Don't give up.

[deleted account]

I struggle with a lot of the same things. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works a lot of hours to make that happen for our family. We have 4 young children and sometimes I feel like I am loosing parts of me to take care of my family.

Something to remember is that when God put husbands in the position of head of the house, He didn't say his wife should become his complete and total servant. Every Bible verse that I can think of that talks husbands as head of the house is followed with a verse about husbands respecting their wives.

I've often struggled with how this is to play out in the world today. In Bible times, things were so very different in a social sense. Most people lived very close together and did things together. Going to the well to get the days water was a social experience. Kids played with the other kids in the neighborhood. With all the conveniences we have today, we've added to our work loads. In door plumbing is great, but along with that comes extra cleaning. Carpeting is wonderful on a cold winters day, but along with it comes vacuuming and stain removal. All the toys a child needed in Bible time could be carried in one hand. Try that today! I don't have any answer to that, but I'm sure you can see where I'm going with it.

One online resource I've found is www.flylady.net. Here main philosophy is that if you just do it without whining, it will get done and others will notice. I don't agree with everything she says, but that part really hit me. Instead of being angry that hubby left his cup on the end table, I can be greatful that we were able to have a nice talk while we watched the Olympics last night. Its not easy when things are crazy, but I try my best to think of the positives when my mind wants to be angry.

Sarah - posted on 02/16/2010

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thank you for your understanding and encouragement. It's nice to know it's not just me. i think i'll pray some more for the right time to say something cause if i say it at the wrong time it could make things worse. He is already on mild depression meds at the moment and he is getting better but he is dealing with alot of stress. Thank you so much for your comments again xxx

Joy - posted on 02/15/2010

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I agree with everything Alison said...I am a stay at home mom and I am 100x more exhausted now with my 2 kids than I ever was when I was working outside the home. I like what Alison said about Christians not being immune to divorce or affairs because sometimes people think that just because we are Christians, we are perfect...nothing could be further from the truth. I am sure your husband appreciates everything that you do and loves you very much...but communication is key and if you are not feeling appreciated, let him know!!!! My husband and I have had many discussions when one or both of us is in need of something. Let me suggest that you pick a night (after the kids are asleep)...make a special/romantic dinner/dessert and sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel in love!!! Or u feel comfortable, can you sit down with your Pastor. My Pastor sits down with couples all of time just to help make sure that marriages are ok and people are happy. There is no shame in that...like I said, we are not perfect!!! Praying for you and I hope to hear a praise report!!!!!!!

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