how do I approach sleeping together?

Amber - posted on 09/30/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

3

18

0

I need some help please.
My will be ex-husband and I are working though a divorce on pretty congenial terms I have been told.
Short version of my problem and question to this point: He got back with a girl he dated seven years ago after telling me he wanted to reconcile our marriage. He visited her twice then she came to visit him and moved in the next week with her three kids. (when he went to see her the first time he moved me out) The five of them are sharing a campus apartment (like a thousand square feet) and when our three are there the kids share beds and rooms.
How do I approach them about the fact that they are sleeping together (have been having sex for the fiveish months that they have been dating-mind you we are STILL MARRIED as I speak) when our three kids are there (seven, five and four). I don't want them to grow up thinking that is ok to have a b/g-friend for a month (how long they knew about her before she came to visit then moved in) so they can start have sex, or to start having sex at a young age due to the exposure.
Now I realize some of this may come from the lack of someone myself so the jealousy factor but on a spiritual and future level I don't want this to effect my kids and I would hope I would not chose to do the same thing when/if I get someone.
How do I approach the subject, with him or both, and am I wrong to ask that they sleep separately until they are married at least when my kids are present?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

11 Comments

View replies by

Angela - posted on 12/05/2012

2,319

9

319

Sooner or later there will be someone posting with the same issues! ALL of these topics are interesting!

Evelyn - posted on 12/04/2012

2,442

7

856

LOL...I have had some sinus issues and my vision has been a bit off...but it was interesting none the less. Don't you agree?

Angela - posted on 12/04/2012

2,319

9

319

@ Evelyn Witt



The original post was from September 2009 so this lady has been long divorced by now, 3½ years later.



Some people don't bother reading dates on posts, LOL!!

Evelyn - posted on 12/02/2012

2,442

7

856

You can have this put in some form or another in the divorce and custody arrangement that he is not to have any woman he is not married to or related to in the house overnight with your children. It is clear and to the point. I have it in my custody agreement. My ex did not actually go by it but it is court ordered.

Cheryl - posted on 10/13/2009

28

21

0

They will probably do what they want regardless of your thoughts or requests. I would suggest that you talk to your children about waiting until marriage for sexual relations. We went to a "Silver Ring Thing" that talks about abstinence. It is geared for pre-teens and older, so your children would probably be to young to truly understand the committment they talk to you about making. Let the children know that everyday everyone makes choices. Some choices are very pleasing to our Lord, some are not. You can explain that we all make poor choices from time to time and when we realize our poor choice then we need to repent and make changes to rectify the situation.

Beth - posted on 10/12/2009

22

13

3

Unfortunately, this is often how the cookie crumbles. However, mt brother recently got a divorce and there were certain stipulations for the parents that you can have written into the final agreement -- theirs stated that the kids could not be with anyone other than the parents after 9pm without the consent of both parents. New boyfriends or girlfriends were not to meet the kids until after 3 months of dating and would never be allowed to spend the night while the kids were present without being married first.



However, I do not know how that would work for you because that was a mutual agreement between the parents. I doubt your husband will agree to any terms, but its worth asking a lawyer about. You do have to be careful because you want your kids to be exposed to their dad; however, he is setting a HORRIBLE example for your kids in this department.



I feel you DO need to talk with him about how this could be affecting your kids...a man who was supposed to love their mother is already living with another woman!



And as far as her kids sleeping in the same room as yours, I would say NO WAY!

Alisa - posted on 10/11/2009

35

11

7

I have not been in your situation so I can't say that I understand or offer any suggestions as to what I would do. I just wanted to let you know about Divorce Care & Divorce Care for Kids that is a Christian ministry. This is the sort of things that those groups could help you work out in talking with others in similar situation and how to handle in a Christian manner (not being judgmental but also not letting your children think it is okay behavior for when they grow up). www.divorcecare.com to find a church in your area. I hope this helps.

Rachael - posted on 10/11/2009

64

24

7

Also A lot of judges do not approve of that type of situation because of it being unhealthy for the kids. If I remember correctly it was part of the standard divorce decree in our county that the oppisite sex could not sleep over when the child was present , unless they were married. Have your lawyer look in to that. It may solve the situation for you :)

[deleted account]

I do not know what state you are in. But if you have a lawyer in the some states they can require a background check on the special friend. I suggest having the kids go into family counseling. They will suggest your ex-husband, and yourself to percipitate. You have a right to know if the person that is around your child has a background check and criminal record. It is doable in the state of Pa. BTW who has physical and legal custody? There is a difference between the two.

[deleted account]

Unfortunately sweetheart, I don't think there is anything you can do but maybe speak to your lawyer about your morals and how they differ from theirs. If you are on good terms with him, which I don't know I would say talk to him about it. maybe he can change is visits to supervised or not over night to prevent your children from seeing this. but in reality sweetie your children will be exposed to alot worse things that will test our faith and believes in life. Just talk to him, then talk to your kids. teach them what is right from wrong and guide them to walk with the Lord in their own lives. Just because Daddy makes different choices doesn't mean they will! Keep your head up mom! God Bless

Angela - posted on 10/01/2009

4

25

2

Wow. I truly know exactly how you're feeling right now. I have been in your shoes and I know how bad it hurts. It hurts you because of the break-up, but it also hurts you to see your children suffer through that. Mine was different because I moved HIM out because he was cheating and it was FAR from congenial, but I refused to keep my children from their father. I would ask your ex to meet up with you some where without the children and explain to him that you know his life is his own, but please consider the feelings of the children. If your children have made any comments, see if you can record those comments on a recorder of some type. This way, he doesn't take it as you being "the jealous ex-wife." Just explain to him (as calmly as you can) the way you are feeling, and keep reminding him that yes you are hurt, BUT you are MORE concerned about the children and what they may think or feel.



My oldest had to go to a counselor after my ex and I broke-up. It was NOT a fun thing, but as I said before, we parted on VERY bad terms. He basically wanted his cake and eat it too...Then, when he left, he didn't come to see the kids (or offer to take them for a weekend) for OVER two months! (yes, he DID NOT see his children for 2 months and I even offered to take them to his mother's to let him pick them up there and he never showed...)



I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I wish the VERY best for you. If you ever just need someone to talk to, shoot me an email or something on here.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms