How do I deal with a pregnant teenager? Im not prepared..

Yvonne - posted on 11/04/2009 ( 41 moms have responded )

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My 17 year old daughter told me she is pregnant. The father was buddist but just got saved, & he's only 19yrs.. Im lost... Do I push for marriage?

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Lisa - posted on 11/04/2009

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Your daughter is probably scared, confused, and unsure of what to do next. Let her know that you love her unconditionally, and though you may be disappointed at this moment, but God is bigger than the situation, that now is no time to look back but to look forward. She needs to feel your love and support in order for her to make good decisions and plan out her future, she needs to know that you will help her be a good mother and that you will teach her what she needs to know, and most importantly she needs to see God's grace in how you respond to her and her boyfriend. You may not have planned on having a grandbaby, but God is in the midst of knitting together a precious gift in your daughters womb and He will never say this baby is a mistake, nor ever say it is disposable and He will give you all the strength you need to raise a child of God.

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Natalia - posted on 12/02/2009

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That's a tough one. If it was my little girl I would prefer her to have the baby but wait for marriage. Seventeen is so young and with a baby involved they must think of the effects to him or her if the marriage didn't survive. My husband married before me and he was only seventeen. They had a baby boy and, though they love him, their marriage obviously broke up and now their son is stuck in the middle.

Marriage will only complicate an already complicated situation. They should focus on becoming parents first and then consider becoming husband and wife when or if the time is right for them.

That's what I would tell my daughter anyway, lol.

Carla - posted on 12/01/2009

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Raechel is right. Everyone sins, sometimes it just doesn't show as much ;) Don't panic! Another angle of this is one very close to my heart--adoption. My daughters both had fertility problems, one very severe. She tried invitro and the whole deal until she decided to look into adoption. The procedure itself was a total miracle, but my daughter was given a beautiful little boy from another girl that was in your daughter's position. That circumstance, which for the young girl looked hopeless, gave my daughter and son-in-law a very precious gift for which we continually thank God. He is our delight. Step back and consider the options before you jump--you do have a few months. God bless you and your child.

Raechel - posted on 11/30/2009

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As a mom, you want what is best for your children. In this case, marriage may not be the answer. A quick fix, yes, but considder at 17, is she ready for being a mom and a wife? I would seek counciling at your nearest Pregnancy Support Center-not Planned Parenthood. If nothing like this is available in your area, seek council from your church.Yes, pre-marrital sex is a sin. Yes, you and your family may get some wierd looks if she doesn't marry. But considder, we are all just humans, and even as Christians we are not perfect. God forgives us our sins and will welcome you in His arms no matter what! I pray that you sit down with her and the boy, discuss what they want to do....if school is still an issue, etc. and go from there. A child is a gift from God no matter how they are conceived, and what you decide as a family will effect how you live the rest of your lives.

[deleted account]

Like many here I to was a pregnant 17yr old and again at 19.I married my boyfriend now husband of 14yrs. at 17,him 21.Our strong religious beliefs was the only that kept us together those first few years,but now we have the ultimate marriage.I wouldn't force it but if both are believers they should pray and see what God has for them.Definitely do not let them continue in immoral ways in your house,though.They have chosen to do adult,responsible things now they must do "the right thing."You must be strong and hold up your beliefs.

Diana - posted on 11/28/2009

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I would say to let them take their time with it. My son was in a similar situation 15 years ago, and I wanted them to marry right away. They waited about a year and then married, when they both were ready. It has lasted 14 years, so far.

Lebonna - posted on 11/28/2009

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No. Before I start Let me say I am a Catholic person. I wouldn't push her to get married. by doing that you may be pushing her away from you. We all made mistakes in our lives and some of us regret some of the things we did. Just let her know that you will be there for her and the baby no matter what the outcome may be, for when GODs blessing comes into this world you are gonna love this little boy or girl so much. I know I did and today I have a Great Granddaughter who means the world to me. I thank god everyday for all 13 of my grand children and great grand children.

Nicole - posted on 11/28/2009

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I will tell you I became pregnant with my oldest daughter at 17 and my other half is my husband now of 12 years. But it isn't because it was forced. In fact we pushed back the wedding plans that we had due to the fact that I would be 8 months pregnant when the wedding was originally to be.
My mom had a great way of handling it in my opinion. My parents are good Christian parents and dad just looked at me and said you aren't the first and you won't be the last. Then we had a serious talk in which they informed me that they would be there for me and that they supported whatever decision I made but there would be ground rules. the main one was..even though we made a mistake putting sex before marriage, it wasn't to ever happen under their roof. So I would always have a place there and so would my child, but my now hubby was not allowed to stay the night/live there under any circumstances unless we were married.
They didn't force the issue but they let me know where they stood and I think I respect them more for their honesty and my 3 month old daughter drooled on my sister at our wedding with us never living together. If it is meant to be it will be. Just let her know you love her and that you are supporting her.

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I was 17 when I had my first. God will work it all out. That child will end up being a huge blessing. ( not that they all arent) Congrads on being a Grandma, Blessings to you

Sarah - posted on 11/12/2009

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Quoting Shelly:



Quoting Sheila:

Hi, I was a pregnant 15 yr old, had my child just 18 days of turning 16. I know what burden this placed on my family, and imagine what it is doing to yours. My mom didn't push for us to get married but his parents did. My mom wanted to push him out of the picture. His parents took us to get married in another state. It was very hard, trying to finish high school, work and living with his parents.
My suggestion from my life experience is just LOVE her and make sure she knows you love her even with her mistakes. I felt I had no one to turn too, my mom just didn't understand. I didn't marry the father because I loved him. I did it out of obligation. We had a really hard life together. We were married for 7 years. Then it ended in divorce after he had an affair with our baby sitter. Granted we have both matured tremendously over the years and have a good relationship now. The children are the ones who suffered. We were so immature and had no clue about life much less raising a family.

If he is willing to be in your daughters life, and the child's, don't push for anything. Just PRAY that the Lord will provide everyone involved with the strength, courage, and knowledge to get everyone through this trying time. And always remember this little saying that has helped me through so much: "Although we often don't know just how, GOD is working even now!!"





Oh Shelia,






  Sweety please change your chose of words...Your baby's not a mistake God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave you that child to love...So PLEASE DO NOT consider your baby a mistake.  It saddens me when I hear these young girls call thier pregnancy a mistake!!!   So please sweety change your thought pattern that child is a blessing not a mistake






She never said her pregnancy was a mistake, she said to love her daughter and her mistakes. Good can come out of mistakes, for example some people believe you shouldnt have sex before marriage and in that case the sex would be the mistake not the child.

Sarah - posted on 11/12/2009

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I was a young mom, married at 18 and a mother at 19. I wouldnt push marriage, its hard enough to adjust to being a mom let alone building a marriage. I always thought if I got pregnant before I was married I wouldnt get married because I was pregnant. I figure its better for the child to be raised with seperated parents than to have to go through their parents divorce later in life.

Beth - posted on 11/10/2009

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Take a deep breath. In my opinion pushing marriage is not the answer. Marriage may compound the problem. Teen marriages are two to three times more likely to end in divorce. First, does your teen know what she wants to do, is she going to keep the baby? Does she know how to problem solve? She may want to learn. Be there to help her but she needs to be responsible for the pregnancy.

Shelly - posted on 11/10/2009

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Quoting Sheila:

Hi, I was a pregnant 15 yr old, had my child just 18 days of turning 16. I know what burden this placed on my family, and imagine what it is doing to yours. My mom didn't push for us to get married but his parents did. My mom wanted to push him out of the picture. His parents took us to get married in another state. It was very hard, trying to finish high school, work and living with his parents.
My suggestion from my life experience is just LOVE her and make sure she knows you love her even with her mistakes. I felt I had no one to turn too, my mom just didn't understand. I didn't marry the father because I loved him. I did it out of obligation. We had a really hard life together. We were married for 7 years. Then it ended in divorce after he had an affair with our baby sitter. Granted we have both matured tremendously over the years and have a good relationship now. The children are the ones who suffered. We were so immature and had no clue about life much less raising a family.

If he is willing to be in your daughters life, and the child's, don't push for anything. Just PRAY that the Lord will provide everyone involved with the strength, courage, and knowledge to get everyone through this trying time. And always remember this little saying that has helped me through so much: "Although we often don't know just how, GOD is working even now!!"


Oh Shelia,



  Sweety please change your chose of words...Your baby's not a mistake God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave you that child to love...So PLEASE DO NOT consider your baby a mistake.  It saddens me when I hear these young girls call thier pregnancy a mistake!!!   So please sweety change your thought pattern that child is a blessing not a mistake

Shelly - posted on 11/10/2009

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Yvonne,

NO..NO..NO, If they are already talking about marriage then thats one thing but if they are just dating and not serious then NO you don't go the marriage route. You want your daughter to have a strong marriage and if you force her into marriage she will resent you for forcing her into it. They can be great parents without being married maybe further down the road they may want to marry but not right now this can not be the reason to marry this is not the foundation for a successful marriage!!! Start praying and turn it over to God and let him handle this one!!! I will keep you in my prayers and ask the Lord to wrap your family in a perfect blanket of peace!!!

Brandy - posted on 11/10/2009

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dont push marriage it will just end up in divorce. the only thing you can do is support her make her raise the baby and dont babysit every time she wants to go out. she has to learn to live with the dissisions she made. i know this cause i was only 16 when i had my first and im a good mother because of the support i had i work hard and have fun raising my kids if you push her with marriage or this baby she will just go against what you want

Laura - posted on 11/09/2009

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I got pregnant at 17 and had my son at 18. I grew up in a very religious family. My parents divorce was final a year and a half before I got pregnant. My dad was very supportive. My mom wasn't. The father and I got married 3 weeks before our son was born.

My mom actually tried to push me to marry someone from the church because my husband wasn't and isn't a Christian. I love my husband more than anything. My husband and I now have 2 kids, and couldn't imagine our lives turning out any other way. Don't push marriage on them at all. You need to be there for her, and support whatever decision she makes.

Lindsey - posted on 11/09/2009

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my fatehr is a methodist minister. at age 19 me and my fiance got pregnant (well he was 21), even though we were engaged i still didn't rush to the alter. We found a place moved in and had our baby. We worked through our problems and only after being really sure did we married. I think that two happy homes is better than one home with constant fighting regardless of marriage. It may not have been the best religious move but i believe that we did the best thing for our child concidering the situation. The best thing you can do is be there for her. Even though what I did was "wrong" in our religion my parents stood by me and helped us through it and because of that we made it and now we are a happy Christian family.

Donna - posted on 11/08/2009

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My daughter got pregnant in high school and the best piece of advise I received at that time was when I called to make her a dr. appointment, the nurse first asked how I was and then said that my daughter needed me to be a friend now more than a mom, I took that advice and we both enjoyed the pregnancy and birth of my first grandchild. Do not push for marriage. Contact other teens that have gone thru the same situation and get lots of advice. There is so much growing they still have to do, as you know that they will find out that a marriage is not as easy as they think.
Donna

Theresa - posted on 11/07/2009

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Oh, hon. Life sure has thrown a curveball... Another vote for not pushing for marriage. This is not going to be easy - but you will need to support your daughter now more than ever! She will need guidance, and room to be a mom too. That little grandbaby is going to need your love too - start praying over that baby now.

I pray your family gets through the upcoming days without strife.

Ann Marie - posted on 11/07/2009

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I wouldn't pressure for the marriage...be as supportive emotionally, mentally, and in all other ways that you can. A lot of love, patience and prayers for all of you.

Sheila - posted on 11/07/2009

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Hi, I was a pregnant 15 yr old, had my child just 18 days of turning 16. I know what burden this placed on my family, and imagine what it is doing to yours. My mom didn't push for us to get married but his parents did. My mom wanted to push him out of the picture. His parents took us to get married in another state. It was very hard, trying to finish high school, work and living with his parents.

My suggestion from my life experience is just LOVE her and make sure she knows you love her even with her mistakes. I felt I had no one to turn too, my mom just didn't understand. I didn't marry the father because I loved him. I did it out of obligation. We had a really hard life together. We were married for 7 years. Then it ended in divorce after he had an affair with our baby sitter. Granted we have both matured tremendously over the years and have a good relationship now. The children are the ones who suffered. We were so immature and had no clue about life much less raising a family.



If he is willing to be in your daughters life, and the child's, don't push for anything. Just PRAY that the Lord will provide everyone involved with the strength, courage, and knowledge to get everyone through this trying time. And always remember this little saying that has helped me through so much: "Although we often don't know just how, GOD is working even now!!"

Krystal - posted on 11/06/2009

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No! That is something they have todecide. Pushing her into marriage when it is not right for her (or them) may only set her up for heartache in the future. Easier said than done, support her (emotionally and mentally). I got pregnant with my first son just after my 18th birthday. At first my mom was extremely disappointed but she never took it out on me. She gave me all the emotional support I needed I dont know what I would have done without her. If you want to push for anything...push for her continued education or career. Things are always possible and when they seem impossible make a way!

Kimberly - posted on 11/06/2009

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Hi Yvonne. I can sympathize in more ways than one. I had a baby at 15, even thought I'd been saved since I was very young and was raised in a Christian home I didn't always live the way I was supposed too. And his "Dad" was not a part of his life at all. At 18 I got pregnant again with my son and 18 yrs later we're still together, and have been married for 16 yrs. He raised my first son like his own and Christopher (my oldest) knows him as his Dad. Even though he knows he's not his biological dad, but my husband is the only Dad he's ever known, so everything worked out and we now live happily ever after with our three children. 2 years ago Christopher who is now almost 21, came to us to tell us his girlfriend was pregnant. So I became a grandmother at only 34. I don't think you should push marriage. Unfortunately they did things backwards and in reality they might not be right for each other as husband and wife. My son and his girlfriend don't get along well at all. They had a second little girl when their daughter was only 1 yr. old and I think it was a sort of desperate attempt by my son's girlfriend to keep their relationship together. Obviously it only made things worse. They could barely afford to feed themselves and the one they already had, much less to add another one. So now they all live with us and I really don't think it's going to work out between the two of them. I always taught and continue to teach my kids this is why children should come after marriage. They add enough stress to a strong, healthy relationship. To add that to a relationship with two people who really don't know each other that well on top of a situation where there is usually money problems (being so young and not established), it just doesn't work. I think you should provide as much support and love to your daughter as you can without doing it for her. That was the hardest thing for me and still is. When I don't think they are caring for the girls "correctly", I will step in and just do it myself. It's caused problems in that Josie (my oldest grandaughter is more attached to me than either of her parents) and they get lazy and rely on me to get them dressed, or to feed them, etc.
So good luck, I'm sure you'll work your way through things and it will be a blessing in the end. Remember, God doesn't make mistakes. He's even able to work in spite of the sin of others to bring this person and soul He created into the world. Good luck and lots of love to you, I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Chris - posted on 11/06/2009

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Dear Yvonne, What an honest mom you are. Keep it that way now. I was 19 when I had to tell my parents that I was pregnant, and I had broken off my relationship with the father for many reasons. They just told me they loved me, and would support whatever decision I made. In my circumstances, adoption was my choice. It was a good decision for me and my son, who I was blessed to meet, and have a warm and lovely relationship with today. Adoption options are even better than ever, there are many options if your daughter chooses this path. If she chooses to keep her child do not push for marriage. Push for love, and support her in every way possible, and PRAY. God knows all of your needs, and your daughter and child too. You will make it through no matter what lies ahead. You are not alone, Been there.

Marsha - posted on 11/06/2009

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No, why would you require marriage? Isn't one mistake enough? Marriage is a beautiful thing for people that are mature enough to make that decision. The baby is enough for her to deal with why add to the drama?

Michelle - posted on 11/06/2009

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Noooooooooo you don't have to get married just because you are pregnant. I made that mistake.

As a Christian, understand that God is a forgiving God. We all make mistakes. Ask the Father for forgiveness and wisdom to help your daughter. Entering into marriage for the sake of pregnancy is a mistake in many cases. Marriage is a covenant. Do you want your daughter entering a covenant relationship with someone at such an early age? Sister, I encourage you to pray and seek God for the answers. Covenants are not to be taken lightly, especially the marriage covenant. May I suggest you go to the Bible with a concordance and look up covenant and marriage.

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I was a pregnant teen. With a lot of prayer, understanding and love, you can help your daughter make the best decision for her and your grandchild. My parents were torn, my mother wanted my decision-whatever that was-while my poor dad felt the best choice was for us to marry. After taking his loving advise, (2) wrongs do not make a right. There was so much my parents did not know about the relationship until after the marriage and divorce which took place (1) year after the wedding. You are not in an easy position, but do the best you can to support your child, she will never forget it and in the end she will appreciate your opinion and voice, but also the freedom you allow her to make this difficult decision on her own. Always remember, you can give loving and wisdom filled advise and unlimited support, but most teens run the opposite direction when pushed. Love in Christ to you and your family.

Angi - posted on 11/06/2009

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I would be supportive and let her know that whatever her decision you will stand beside her.

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I wouldn't push on marriage. If they're not ready than it'll just end up in a divorce. Support your daugther, go with her to the appointments, etc. She'll need her mama more now then ever! Wish you luck!

Sarah - posted on 11/05/2009

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My suggestions would be much like what everyone else has said. Talk to your daugher. What is she feeling, wanting, knowing (resources, preparedness for what is to come no matter what decisions she makes). Then I would get involved with some kind of birth parent counseling. Crisis pregnancy centers are a great resource for preparing your daughter and her boyfriend and also the families involved for what is to come. If she is thinking adoption many adoption agencies offer adoption and parenting counseling. They will look at both adoption and parenting and make plans for one or the other or both if she is unsure which way she would like to go. Big thing is to help her get prepared for what is to come. There are many fanticies about having a newborn, but newborns require a lot of care and a lot of $ and they also grow up. If she is planning to parent she will be a better parent if she has those resources put into place and a plan made as to how she is going to do things before the baby comes. Adoption is often times an idea many people close off without even knowing about it. Adoption is much different than what it used to be many years ago. It is not for everyone, but I always encourage people to first find out about it first before making that decision. For you the thing she will need from you the most is support and encouragement. Lots of people are going to talk, she will lose friends, and her whole life is changing. She is going to look at you as her mother and want your encouragement and support.

Connie - posted on 11/05/2009

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My daughter was pregnant at 15 and a mother at 16 .I can not say that we handled the situation very well at all. we did not push for marriage and i am so glad that we did not . our daughter and our grandson,s dad are not together.At 29 he is still so immature and our daughter at 27 is a very good mother to 4 children now. The most important thing you can do is love her no matter what she might say or do, and continue to pray . I am such a firm believer in the power of prayer .Pray for the babies dad as he is a new believer.Keep us posted as this progresses and know that you, your daughter and the babies dad are in my prayers.Trust GOD and hang in there Mom you will soon have a precious gift from GOD to hold and spoil rotten.GOD Bless all of you.

Sylvia - posted on 11/05/2009

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Pray about it!!! Secondly, do not push marriage. Ask your daughter if she wants to keep the baby or give it up for adoption? I know that sounds odd, but many couples want children and are not able to have them. Tell your daughter if she wants to keep the baby you will support her. She should get a job and start setting money back to help pay for the babies expenses if she intends to keep the baby. Otherwise the young man is a new convert but is he ready to be a Father? I think you should probably all go to a local Pastor or counselor and sit down and talk everything through, so you know his feelings, your daughters feelings and what to expect. Will your daughter finish high school? Do you know of any other friends or family members who have been in your situation whom you could ask for advice? Ask them if they would help you by writing down some ideals of what worked or did not work for them.

Sonika - posted on 11/04/2009

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hi there,i have grate sympaty with your circumstance,however do you really think it would be wise to push for marriage? she is after all only 17,if she gets married now in a confusing state of mind and most probably just in love and being pressed for marriage it might work but the chances of her being divorced by the time she is 20 is big. im talking with my own experiance and end of the day its your choice to do what you feel is best but there is some advice. i would suggest that you talk to both of them make clear that you accept the fact that he is pregnant as teens often in situations like that feel that they dissapointed their parents and do silly things. also make clear that you expect things like they must both take responsibility for their actions and so forth. i hope all works well for you.



may God bless you all and the baby

Yvonne - posted on 11/04/2009

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Thank you all for your advise... It really helps to hear opinions from other women.. Thanx ladies..

Christa - posted on 11/04/2009

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It depends on their situation. But in my experience those type of marriages only end up in split families and children of divorce. If it were my child I would encourage adoption. I think in that situation, though it will be extremely hard, it is the best thing for all parties involved. I've had too many friends and family members that thought they were doing the right thing by getting married and then 2-5 years later they are in a nasty divorce and the poor kids are stuck in the middle, choosing which parent to live with. But again it depends on their specific situation, but that's my advice. Most importantly use God's grace to help your daughter make the right choice.

Lisa - posted on 11/04/2009

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so , there is much work to do before marriage is discussed, but i agree with many of the post, don't push marriage at this point.

Melissa - posted on 11/04/2009

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I became pregnant with my son at 19 years old. I was not mature enough for a baby nor a marraige. My parents did not force me into marraige which I am so happy about, because I had to grow up quickly to support my child. His father however did not grow up (he was 18 at the time). It was a major turn off and we broke up. And if we were pressured into marraige, it would have lasted a week tops. If it is true love, then they will end up getting married on their own down the road. I would not pressure them. Just give them the best kind of support that you can. And if they do not stay together, then it is probably for the best. She will find a man who will love her and her child. I didn't think I would ever find a man who would want to date a young single mother, but I am now 27 and have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. And he has been raising my son with me since just before he was 3. They are both young. Let it play out. Just give them the support that they will need. Best of luck!!

Yvette - posted on 11/04/2009

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No don't pressure marriage. Just Love Her and be there for her. I was in her shoes before and my mom supported me even though she was disappointed. Her love change the rest of my life. I could have ran away and got an apartment with my boyfriend which was the plan. But I waited and I knew that it was the right way to do things. Because of the love she showed me looking back it help me make better choice. I did end up moving out later and I didn't get married until a year later. I have 4 children from the same man and we have been married 22 years and God is the head of my life and I was not raised in a christian home but am a christian today

FEDELINE - posted on 11/04/2009

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Hello,



Your daughter she is still young and marriage is not the best solution. However, if both of them love each other then it up to them if they want to get marriage. Marriage is not about the age is about LOVE. I know some people said is not real love yet because they are both young. However, we need to look back years ago and I lot of people get marriage in the young age and a lot of people work out the marriage, e.g. I have 2 brothers and they marriage in young age but until now they are happy marriage and they both have two beautifull children.



Talk to both of them what they want and whatever the decide then accept it and always be there for your daughter and the child because child is angel, because at the end the day she is your daughter and that baby is your grandchild.



May GOD Bless you.

Leslie-Ann - posted on 11/04/2009

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I was once a 17 y/o pregnant teen, unfortunately I wasn't raised in a very religious marriage. I'm usually 100% for marriage, but speaking from experience I would say that a pressured marriage between two teenagers will not last. Looking back at my own situation I was soooo immature. I grew up right alongside my son. I can say that I wasn't a mature mother until I was about 22 or older. Support your daughter the best you can, without being judgemental or condescending. Let her know that you will always be there for her and offer to allow her to live with you. The best place for her and her baby to be is with you and your husband..it may be the only chance that baby will ever have of living in a household with a mother and father.

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