How do you get "beyond" the anger and pain after infidelity? My children are suffering.

Maria - posted on 07/06/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My husband was unfaithful after only 1 year of marriage. He was never exclusively with me prior to marriage. We are a Christian couple, at least we are trying to be. He cheated with the babysitter. I was 5 month pregnant when we got married and of course things changes after we got married. I was trying to get used to being married, and being pregnant, which we all know can send you into an emotional tailspin, I was mean to him alot! I din't like the females in his "circle" and that didn't change after marriage. He is too trusting and "friendly". Always trying to help what i called the "poor, pitiful hoochie who can't get a decent man of her own to help her." I have not been able to trust him and frankly I don't even know if I have really "tried". My kids see us fight and argue and I take my anger out on them. Not physically, but emotionally. I am always angry and yelling at them. I don't want to rob my children of a happy childhood. I want to love my husband. We only got married because I was pregnant and he felt it was the right thing to do. Has anyone else been through this? Does anyone have any advice? I love my husband, but I have pushed him away. I have no desire for "intimacy" or anything physical. Can I change this or is it too late?

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Kellie - posted on 07/07/2010

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Well you're in a Christian community so I am going to give it to you straight. When we do things as the "world" would do (having sex/getting pregnant before marriage) we must suffer the consequences of that behavior. You knew before you married him and most likely before you got pregnant that he was cheating but you stayed with him. Clearly the issue is with you. No self-respecting, emotionally whole and healthy woman would allow this behavior and/or put herself in a situation where she "had" to put up with it. Love is not to blame. Love should not hurt us or make us feel like we are drowning under the weight of our circumstances. Love heals, encourages and builds others up. Now that you are in this situation the first thing you need to do is get honest with God. You need to take responsibility for your part. The cheating is his responsibillity and it's a lack of character and integrity that he does so, but allowing yourself to stay in that situation and cover it up with "love" is your responsibility. What it is about your past that makes you think you don't deserve more?

And as far as the children are concerned, and I am just going to say this bluntly, back off. They shouldn't have to pay the price for dad's misdeeds. Hurting people want to hurt people and these children are innocent. They did not choose this life; they were brought into it. You have a greater responsibility to protect your children and taking it out on them is like kicking a wounded animal. They are defensless against you.

I know many Christians will write lots of encouragement to you and tell you to pray and hang in there cause things will get better but I gotta admit you are not going to change him, but you can change yourself. You can go to counseling, you can buy books and DVDs, you can attend church, you can try to keep the peace, but until you draw the line with him nothing is going to change.

Getting real with God is about allowing Him to thoroughly search you and show you why you made the decision to lay with a man who had no respect for you and believe me God will show you the truth. Then you need to accept responsibility for marrying him anyway. I believe God will be able to show you the way to remedy the situation.

I know what I am saying sounds really harsh, but believe me when I say I am not judging you. You are not a bad mother, wife or person, you are wounded. Some times we need a reality check first and encouragement afterwards. Be brave for your children and pray for God to change you, not him. God bless you.

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Once both of you traveled down the road of mistrust and anger it is hard to get back on the right track. As humans we do not enjoy being made to feel quilty or even admit wrongdoing. Talking to women as long as it is JUST talking does not seem to be an issue to your husband, however if he ever allows himself to do some soul searching he will realize that perhaps even his earlier flings started out with innocent :Just talking". My ex husband convinced himself it was alright also and blamed me for being jealous and made me think that I was loosing my mind being suspicious of him...but you know what ..eventually those innocent calls and the times he was there for the other women made him feel manly. They were building up his ego while I was riding his case about it. They won.., he had an affair and ruined our trust and our marriage. It can happen to anyone but when you put yourself in danger way you are more likely for it to happen. Being chummy with women instead of other men is asking for trouble and probably means that he is requiring attention and respect but ya'll have that ficous cycle going that they talk about in the book Love and Respect. You need some counseling to help you know how to talk with him without putting him on the defense. In an earlier post you said " I love my husband, but I have pushed him away. I have no desire for "intimacy" or anything physical." Has that changed? Marriage can NOT work without it. IT can endure...but is that all you want is just to endure? Marriage is intimacy and both of you must desire to restore that for your marriage to work. Men are weak when it comes to sex and receiving attention. If you wanted to engage in an experiment and if you can act even a little bit you could find out easy it is to get attention from your husband. Just give him attention, flirt alittle and give him steamy sex and you have him being sweet to your and the kids again. This is not to say that is all there is to it...but it is to say that it will show you what he desires. It will take alot of prayer and the holy spirit moving to get both of you on the same page at the same time. I pray that his heart will soften and his eyes open and that he will truly want to be strong and completley devoted to you and your marriage. I also pray that your eyes will be opened, your heart softened and that the anger and bitterness will deminish so that God's love and his peace will fill the gaps and cracks and help you love your husband. I pray that you can encourage and build up your husband and your children that in turn they will grow and mature into loving healthy children with a loving Godly father/husband.

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Jackie - posted on 07/26/2010

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The first thing you must do if to pray and as God to help you forgive him. That does not mean that you will ever forget. This is a very hard thing to overcome, but, it can be done. Get into christian counseling. Maybe your church offers this. Just don't let his infedility affect how you see yourself. It was a decision HE made and has to live with the consquences. There is apparently a reason he "went there". This is an issue that needs to be addressed. There is NO EXCUSE for what he did, but it can be worked out. My best wishes and prayers go out to you and to your family. Now i'ts your desicion to forgive and move on.

Carla - posted on 07/16/2010

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Felicia talks about forgiveness, and she is right. Unforgiveness causes bitterness, which is like a cancer, except it kills your soul, not your body. I strongly recommend 'The Shack' a great book that deals with unforgiveness. It also explains the Trinity in a way that you will never forget!

God bless, sweeties!

Felicia - posted on 07/16/2010

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No matter what you decide to do you need to forgive him. Ask God to teach you how. Just start by saying the words I forgive him. Ask God to heal you. If you don't forgive it will affect all areas of your life. You cannot make him faithful. The only person you can change is yourself. A mentor told me that I may have to forgive over and over for the same offense. You know that you have forgive him when you have peace about the situation. Forgiveness is making peace and not feeling the anger and the hurt, but looking at the situation or the person and not holding what they've done against them. It does not mean that you have to be disrespected, hurt or cheated on. It does not mean you even have to stay. If your husband wants to be trusted than he needs to be trustworthy. Get counseling, if your husband does not want to, than go by yourself. Start praying and don't stop until you know what God wants you to do in the situation. More God less posts!

Cheryl - posted on 07/12/2010

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Maria, I went through this painful experience 13 years ago and was set on divorcing my husband. But God restored my marriage and set me free from bitterness. He even changed my husband! You can read this amazing testimony on my blog here: http://treasuresfromashoebox.blogspot.co...
May the Lord be as merciful and gracious to you and your husband.

Tonya - posted on 07/10/2010

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you get past the hurt and anger and pain with alot of praying and time you must learn to forgive him but rite now sounds like you have come out of the shock and found the anger....shuttin ur emotions down for him isnt a bad thing it is ur bodys way of coping yes in time if you two choose to keep the marriage you will be a wife to him again but you need to find out is the marriage becuz of love or child....do yall love in the rite way or just becuz that is what yall think yall should do...as for ur kids try explainin to them that rite now you are goin thru problems and that you apologize for how it is and you would be supprised at how kids are there for you if you just talk to them and let God be you guide

Nichole - posted on 07/09/2010

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um well if he cheated before u were married u shouldnt of marriend him in the first place unless u like getting cheated on which obviously u dont he doesnt care i would divorce him also most experts say dont marry just because u have kids together it causes more problems and then u will fight and kids are better in split homes then in arguing homes also if you do want to try to work it out first of all he has to be willing to change and do whatever it takes to get ur trust back u didnt mess up he did so he cant be mad at u for being mad at him he hasnt earned the right to be trusted to be out alone with other females also marriage counseling and he needs therapy for his issues with woman if you have any more questions or need to talk message me

Michelle - posted on 07/07/2010

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Read Hosea. He faced a similar situation with his wife Gomer. Let the Holy Spirit speak to you through this scripture. P.S. Leave your kids out of the mess. They did not ask for the mess and should not be a part of it.

Shannon - posted on 07/07/2010

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If you love your husband (& he loves u & isn't cheating anymore) then no its not too late. I think you are acting out of hurt more than anything and you need time to heal. I know this may sound really cliche but I really think yall should go to Christian marriage counseling.....he has to take responsibility for what he has done just like you do. Their are consequences for our actions good and bad. I think counseling will help him be the husband God wants him to be and help you learn to replace the hurt and anger with forgiveness & peace. Sending you lots of prayers from someone who has been there!!

Carla - posted on 07/07/2010

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Maria, darling, you are posted all over here, aren't you? lol!

You give a little more detail on this post than the other one, and I can see a little more about your problems. I will not go into all the stuff I wrote on your other post, but your answer about him helping other women is the knight-in-shining-armor syndrome I was telling you my husband had! This HAS to change!

You say you are a Christian couple, yet, let me be blunt, he has a problem keeping 'Mr private' in his pants! Has he read the Bible, Proverbs, Ephesians, indeed all of Paul's writings where he talks about husbands and wives keeping themselves for each other? I have said on other posts, but it bears repeating, love is a CHOICE! Up until just recently, families chose the mate for their children, and they married, and made it work! We take this emotional, fluffy, feel-good thing and think it's love, but it isn't! Usually it's lust. It's exciting at first, then we get into a routine and it's the same ol-same-ol. God designed us to live a lifetime together for many reasons. The biggest one is, it takes a lifetime to get to know a person, to understand them and to appreciate them! He was honorable in that he felt you needed to be married if you were pregnant. That's a start. But you talk about kids--are they his or someone else's? The marry (or have children with someone), then leave, find someone else and do it all again is very destructive, honey. Jesus said when a man and a woman have sex, they join themselves, and this is true. I tell you this from experience. Each time you 'join' with someone, then separate, you leave a little of yourself with them and take a little of them with you. Pretty soon you don't know who you are anymore, and you don't feel whole. Your children also, are watching this merry-go-round and will grow up thinking this is what they should be doing.

I'm not trying to put you down, we ALL have been through this. We have been deceived into believing we need to give a guy sex in order for him to stay with us. What we need is God to be with our relationship, do it His way, then we will be blessed.

Is it too late? It's never too late! But, as we have talked, things need to change. No more hoochie-mamas. Sew his zipper shut, if need be, and let him know this is not acceptable behavior for a man who is, in your words, 'trying' to be a Christian. You are pushing him away because of hurt and reliving of the pictures of him with another woman/women. This is natural, but it won't help the situation. You are going to need a lot of prayer to get over this. But you are also going to need his active participation and vow that he and you are exclusive. 'Mr Friendly' is gone. Mr. Maria Hendrick's husband is here, period.

Lastly, the children: they do not understand why you are fighting, unless you are very graphic in front of them, both of which scenarios are bad. We were given children from God to nurture, to cherish, to raise to be Godly adults. You two are going to have to do a lot of growing up; the children can't referee and can't take care of themselves. That's your job!

I am confident, after talking with you in other posts that you are well able to do all this. It's going to take good old-fashioned hard work. No marriage fixes itself. Talk honestly, pray together, read your Bibles and find out what God planned for a good marriage. That's the best advice I can give you.

God bless, sweetie, we're praying for you!

Krys - posted on 07/06/2010

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I have not read any of the comments yet but i wanted to tell you my thoughts on this. You were married bc you got pregnant? B4 you got married...was he at least a cpl with you? Or did he see other women.. and if so..did you know? And if you did, and he was did you marry bc you felt it had to be that way? I only ask and ask in the way that i do bc i am wondering.. Do YOU love him and are you only stayn bc of the children or do you two love each other and just havin a hard time? I know that marriage is hard...i also know when its over and everytime b4 my divorce i questioned m yself..as a mom...finally i realized being a mom was the only productive thing in the last few yrs..but if you love your husband fight for your marriage and if you think you are fighting too much then if you want to keep your marriage i would def talk to a counselor, sometimes local churches the pastor will gladly talk to cpls and there are free christian counselors. One thing to remember...is this try ..if you want this marriage and tell him all you are feeling..and if you need a friend im on fb ..i hope you find your solution..and remember prayer is the key, hope you get some answers:)

Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2010

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Wow... u pushed him away? Really? I am not judging you by the way bc I 2 have been in a dishonest relationship. However its always easier to see things a little clearer when its not your situation.

I clearly see that u r making excuses for his behavior & frankly putting the blame on yourself. I also have done that. I know why I did it. I did that bc I knew I couldnt change my husband and what he was doing but I thought if it was MY FAULT I could change that. But of course common sense lingered in my mind & I knew it wasn't my fault. That made me mad but instead of dealing with it I took it out on everyone around me ( my kids included).

There's a lot going on here. U need to work on fixing it or it will get worse for all of u. I am not saying leave him. Praying helps, talking to a professional, & dealing with all the issues. I just in that short letter picked out, an affair (sounds like more than one), self esteem issues, anger, hurt, self blame, & resentment... I mean really the list goes on and on. Out loud you r putting the blame on you but inside I think u blame him. U feel trapped in between a world u want & the world u have. Throwing sugar on it won't change what it is.

So u know. I did the same. My husband left me. He didnt want help. I hurt & i was mean to him & took lots out on my children. I dont know anything & I am no one to give advice. This letter sounds sooo familar to me that I couldn't not say anything. Please believe that something must happen. I wish u the best of luck. I do not believe that every situation has to end like mine did... even if it starts out the same. Those issues WILL NOT go away on their own.

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