Husband and porn...ugh!

Judy - posted on 12/01/2012

I have been married twice. My first husband was addicted to porn for the 10 years we were married and ended up leaving for a women across the country he met on the internet. In the end There was no trust, nothing to hold onto to try to make it work. The signs were all there: lying, half lies, manipulations, emotional blackmail, disinterest but I was blind because I wanted to be. My second husband on the other hand is the opposite. He knows That I still struggle with trust issues but shows me his loyalty and faithfulness. Recently he was watching tv up in our room and came downstairs and asked me to come up to talk. He showed me a show he had turned on. He apologized, said he didn't know why, he knew he had hurt me and wanted my forgiveness. This was the one and only time this had happened. I was stunned. All my past baggage came up and I wanted to flee. But I didn't because he was honest. He wanted to hold me and make it all better but in the end respected that I forgave him but needed some time to sort through what I was feeling that was past baggage and what was currently real. In the end I realized that my husband is human, made a mistake and chose to tell me when he could have kept it secret.



Your husband started doing something very addictive while NOT a christian. It is not surprising that he would struggle with it. Remember he did not have to tell you. there is something inside him that wants to be honest with you. A conscience that needs to make things right with you even though he could have "gotten away" with it. You are hurt. Maybe feel dirty and depressed by it. Give it over to God. Let him heal your pain. Forgive him. Trust him until he shows you he can't be trusted. Believe me if he's addicted to porn you'll see the proof eventually. Your low sex drive may be just pregnancy hormones. Give yourself time. With his, mine and our kids your life is stressed and full all ready. You will heal. Your desire will return with time and trust.

Carla - posted on 11/19/2012

Okay, hon, praying He give you CLEAR direction and peace and joy in spite of the drama/trauma you are living through.

Patricia - posted on 11/19/2012

no Carla not as yet just trying not to argue in front of the kids and only talking to and being polite to him when i have to

Carla - posted on 11/19/2012

Oh, sorry, Patricia. Has the Lord given you a word, or an impression of what you are supposed to be doing?

Patricia - posted on 11/18/2012

Thank you Carla for your kind words i do appreciate them but the only reason he is cleaning his teeth is because of this girl he did the same thing last time started dressing neater shaving cleaning his teeth

Carla - posted on 11/18/2012

Wow! If that's the only thing he improves, even THAT would be a tremendous miracle ;)



I'm praying for ya, honey. I know how painful all this is. God is there, hang on for dear life.



God bless

Patricia - posted on 11/18/2012

tonight he actually cleaned his teeth has not done for years and when i said have you cleaned your teeth he said no but you could see hi teeth were cleaner and he smelt of toothpaste i am going to pray extremely hard from now on like i have never prayed before thank you Carala

Carla - posted on 11/18/2012

Patricia, sweetheart, it's REALLY hard to forgive when the person is still sinning against you. I can't tell you exactly how to do it, or how I did it. I just know that I knew, without a doubt, that God had put Mark and I together, but then again, our case was different, because I had cheated on him more than he did on me. We were in very sad shape.



Even though he said we were over, I knew he still loved me. This was God-given, because I had always been so terribly insecure in our relationship. But I had humbled myself before God and started repenting for MY sins (and, like Mary Magdalene, they were many) and crying out for our marriage. But it got to a point where I had to pray 'Even if he doesn't come back to me, save him.' I think once I quit focusing on our relationship and started praying for his eternal future, God said I was ready. It took about 7 years after we got back together for him to re-dedicate himself to the Lord, but our relationship improved dramatically.



So, Patricia, I'm gonna get a little personal here--how is your relationship with God? Have you prayed to find what His will is for your family? ARE you supposed to be staying and enduring all this--or has He told you to leave? We, as humans, tend to go in extremes--we either run at the drop of a hat, or stay, only to have subjected the children to abuse. We need strong guidance by the Holy Spirit to know what is right for our particular situation. When I figured out that my life had been a complete mess, not wanting to give up MY will because I wasn't happy. When I hit rock bottom, THEN I cried out to Jesus, and He answered immediately. My situation didn't magically become perfect, but I had the knowledge in my heart, that our marriage was ordained by God, and He was going to get us through this. As I lived this new knowledge out, my life changed, and Mark saw a difference. He started treating me differently, and we were able to have a good marriage until he gave his life back to Jesus. Once THAT happened, well, I don't want to say it's Paradise, but it kinda is ;) We literally haven't had a fight in 10 years!



So I ask you, ARE you giving your relationship with Jesus top priority? If not, nothing is really going to change. God wants ALL of us, not just the parts we are willing to let go. What I gained, by letting of what I FELT was important in my life, is beyond what I could even tell you. Am I perfect? Far from it! I STILL struggle with my feelings towards my family for the abuses and cover up from my brothers, and some days it's all I can do to keep from screaming and running into the night. Again, as I said at the beginning, it's very difficult to forgive someone who continues to sin and thinks it's okay cuz it's protecting the family. But this is Life. I have to believe all this will be revealed in God's timing, and hopefully my family will understand the harm they have done and will repent.



Do NOT think I am attacking you in any way, honey, far from it. I am trying to make people understand that, with God, ALL things are possible! We just need to give Him our all.



God bless, if you want to message me to talk further, I don't know if the COM messager is working yet or not, but you can friend me on facebook.

Patricia - posted on 11/17/2012

i don't watch porn and i think if men truly love and want there wives partners etc they should not want ir need to either we should be enough

Patricia - posted on 11/17/2012

I am little like you but i do not know how to heal or trust or forgive with out answers recently he went to work which he only spends on himself i support the house and met his brothers girlfriend not only could he not stop talking about her to me but then he was asking our 11 year old son if he had seen her and met her and what did you think she is like etc. he did not ask anything about his family who are usually horrible to our kids and we usually do not let them near them we did not know they were going to be there at there great grandmothers i think our kids safety should have come first and he should have been asking if they are ok and did any thing happen not about this girl and then he gets up and goes out to work at a mates place and does not even tell me he is going and calls me a d head when i text and ask where he is jerk

Patricia - posted on 07/25/2012

thank goodness you are hear Carla you are the strength everyone needs to pull through the world is a better place having you in it

Samantha - posted on 07/25/2012

@Carla well said girl. Well said. We are the ones being bigger people here, we are not attacking her personally (antonia) for her beliefs, we are staying positive and showing her what the real love of a Christian is.

Not attacking her is the best way to show her the Love of Jesus Christ.

I hate that she has to attack others to feel good about herself, but God will meet her where she is at and will Love her just the same.

Carla - posted on 07/25/2012

@Antonia, we are praying for you. You come here to make fun of us and the God we serve, but we will pray for you anyway. Not having Someone who loves you more than anything else on earth must be very sad. God loves you and is waiting for you to turn to Him.

I pray the Lord bless you with His salvation.

Patricia - posted on 07/22/2012

Well said Samantha

Patricia - posted on 07/21/2012

for all those people making fun of other people that is so disrespectful and hurtful and immature you have no idea how people are suffering so you should not do this

Patricia - posted on 07/21/2012

I really feel for you my hubby does the same thing if you want to chat ant time i am here for you take care men are so horrible why can't the be happy with their wives

Samantha - posted on 07/20/2012

Carla,

I am with you. I hate that these people have to be disrespectful. This is something that is really a struggle for a lot of men, and even good, Godly Christian men. Whoever it is thinks its funny, and it is not. We do need to pray for them, they need a savior and to repent.

I am glad you informed me of this though, Its something that I can say makes my heart hurt for them that they do not know the love and Joy of Jesus Christ.

Carla - posted on 07/20/2012

Just an fyi--Antonia here has been having fun on the Christian Mommies community as well. I have blocked her and her little friends from Christian Mommies, but can't do that here, so I'll just warn you that if you see weird stuff from George Osborne, Hannah Alker, Paul Webster or Jennie, ignore it.



I feel so sorry for them, that disrespecting people is a game to them. I urge you all to pray for these people, by name. God loves them and is waiting for them to call on Him. It may not happen today, or even tomorrow, but one day they will understand they need a Savior.



God bless, all

Barb - posted on 07/19/2012

I have been having the same issue with my husband and it has been getting worse, we had a big argument about it and he has admitted that he is addicted to it. I have begged him to go to a support group for it, it is like AA. He went for a bit then stopped. It took my child's doctor to make him go, you see it is considered child abuse if your child sees porn material. I also told him if he did not get help I am leaving. I know how bad it hurts you as a women and the pain you are feeling. You may have to put your foot down or ask someone whose opinion he values and feels the same way you do to talk to him.

Samantha - posted on 07/18/2012

My husband looked at Porn for a long time. His struggle started at 13, and when we got married I did not know of his struggles we have been together for 7 years. Married 6, and have a 5 year old and a 3 month old.

There are some things you can put on the computer and tell him, and anytime a questionable site is visited it will send u a weekly report. He also needs an accountablitiy partner, another guy who can hold him accountable for his actions.

I understand the low sex drive I was the same way. Make sure he know how it made you feel. One way I think i got through to him I asked him how he would feel if that were our daughters at 18 years old that someone was looking at. It kind of struck him deep. Tell him how you feel.

I have been there if you need anything feel free to e-mail me.

Ashley - posted on 07/02/2012

My husband did the same thing and confessed and wsa truly remorseful about it. i cried for a few hours but you know I really felt a peace about the situation and i was able to come back out and tell him i forgave him and meant it. was i still suspicion occasionally, yes but in an effort to show his change in heart anytime i asked to see the computer or whatever he showed me. are you having a hard time forgiving because you think he'll do it again or that he kept it from you and you worry about what else he's kept from you? i would let him know what your feeling, about the low sex drive and all. are you worried that if you don't have sex with him enough he'll go back to porn? i worried about that for a while but i talked to my hubby about it and he assured me that he wouldn't. Another thing for you, men need sex its one of the ways they feel loved. i had a low sex drive with my last pregnancy too, but knowing that the Bible says not to abstain for sex except for a season and with agreement, what i did was even though i didn't feel like it i still did it for my husbands sake, and you know more often than not after getting into it i became in the mood. if your looking for a quicky for your husbands sake that is easy on a pregnant belly try doing it doggie style. get some gel to loosen things up a bit. i'm sure he will appreciate the effort. again i'm not suggesting that you have sex out of some form of guilt or fear of cheating but out of respect for the needs of your husband, even when you don't feel like it. good luck.

Carla - posted on 06/30/2012

Baby, porn is something ALL men struggle with, whether Christian or not. God made them to be highly visual beings, so looking is stimulating. It has very little, if anything, to do with what their wives do or do not do, it's just men.

I know you feel cheated and dirty, and sex is the last thing you want to share with him, but pray about it, and tell the Lord exactly how you feel. He knows, because He WAS a Man. He will help both of you get past this and back into a loving, intimate marriage. My son has struggled with this for YEARS. He is a loving husband and Christian, yet it still has a tremendous pull for him. You and your husband are not alone in this.

We have an ongoing thread on Christian Mommies called 'Seeking advice on finding my husband going on porn sites'. Check it out. I think it will help.

God bless, sweetheart