i marry my boyfriend who molested my 14 year daughter for almost 3years

[deleted account] ( 33 moms have responded )

well my story is very complex. I found out last summer my fiance of 4 years had oral sex and sex with my daughter. I found out after my daughter ran away with a boy that was 21 years old after her and my fiance at the time got into an arguement. He told her he could no longer do this with her and she got mad. When we found her the next day with this 21year is when she told what had happen. He confess he did it but my daughter was black mailing him. Found out she was and she asked him to have sex with b/c she wanted to know what it feels like. He has already being doing oral sex and felt like if this ever get out. His mind was gone but so was my daughter. She ws having oral sex with multi boys in the neigborhood and told she start all of it. I ask her why she didnt tell me because we are so close.. we have a great relationship. Him and i have one daughter together who now 4. He turn itself in right away and never have anymore contact with her. He ask for forgiveness and turn his life over to God. I too have since gave my life to Christ. I am in couseloring, my daughter and he is also in couseloring. He and I also receive spiritual couseloring. My daughter told me she loves having sex and oral. She said he never threaten her. He never wanted to be around her when this was going on. As a matter a fact he found any excuse to be out of the house from her when i was at work. He now walks around in shame and tell his family me, our kids and God he is sorry every day. He did not show any signs of a sex problem, did not watch porn and we had a very normal sex life. He is now on fire for God. We have since gotten marry but choose not to stay together until God has healed my family. All my kids are honor students including the one this happen to. She never showed any signs. She always wanted to be around him but he always push her away. She never spoke bad about him until she got caught with the 21 year old. She knows how i feel about him. I still love him and support him in his walk to live and be better for Christ. but i support my daughter and choose her. He even said he wanted me and glad I am the mother who chose her. He said he could never look at me if I chose him over her. He is facing jail time. He has never been in trouble before for anything. He is a very nice person thats why its so hard to understand why this happen. My daughter has been interested in sex since she was 9 before he ws even in the picture. People call me crazy b/c i married him and I forgave him. He is a great father to our daughter we have and son he has from previous relationship. He is now helping other young men change from sin while still working on himself. I have had my head looked at per Dss and all said I am normal. This story is much more complex then this I just cannot write it all him for you to the big picture. This is a man who taken responsiblity for what he did and he is the blame for this all. He makes no excuses and now his mission in life to live for Christ and help other people not make the same mistakes he has made. He has a great support system, my daughter has a great support system and myself. But my daughter is still trying to go out and do things with boys. She is still very much boy crazy and she said she loves sex and oral. I have a total of 3 kids and 1 step (his son). We both have been planting seeds of Godly in all the kids since we have gave our lives to Christ but my 14 year old is not taken root of it yet. But I am praying. There are lot of people who dont beleive that God is in this but I have seen God show in ways I thought he would in this very bad time in my life but happy because I have found a new relationship with God. I need advice on what i should do

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Carla - posted on 05/18/2012

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Ladies, we have given Devine our best advice. She refuses to listen. We have seen this behavior and understand it for what it is--I can only hope and pray that this doesn't come back to bite the family horribly.

I wish the administrator would close this thread, because it is really just beating a dead horse.

God bless, all.

Teresa - posted on 05/10/2012

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If ANYONE molested either of my children they would be written off, no questions asked. I would be too disgusted to even think of marrying such a person. He's a sicko and yes he is one of God's children but God gave ME children to protect and it would NOT be with a person who has abused them. The children may say he didn't hurt them or coerce them but THEY ARE CHILDREN who should not even know of such things. Let God heal him but NOT around YOUR children.

Lakota - posted on 05/18/2012

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How can anyone think this child seduced a grown man, even a little bit? She was a kid when this started, and is still a kid - period. Stop making her out to be this grown woman who flirted with someones man. I think the fact that she is on here trying to convince every one that he is this wonderful, Godly man says it all. She knows deep down just how messed up he is and she is really trying to convincing herself. Stand up for the real victim here - your daughter. Not you, not the rapist you are married to.

Pat - posted on 05/17/2012

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i am still legally married to the man who spent 2 years molesting my daughter(his step) from ages 8 til about 11. he spent every day getting up early, reading his bible, praying, going to church, was a good husband most of the time, i could go on about how nice, and loving and spiritual he is. well, i reported him, he served 3 months. did a year of offender counseling, been in church and being prayed for. i have recently found outh that he met someone at a bible study, has manipulated her into leaving the ministry,has her 3 months pregnant, is manipulating at least 2 other women who are giving him money.. all the while, he preaches jesus and still reads and prays daily. has 7 kids, none of whom he supports, and oh, his baby mama has a 15 yr old girl who is missing and hmm, his phone number has been changed.
so. since you are already convinced your husband is different,and while i dont want to discourage you, and although i do beleive some people can be changed... any ;changes;ive ever heard of are just a way of not getting into trouble, or what have you. his excuse of being blackmailed.. lame. i know you are already married, and it sounds as if you have your mind made up, so im not sure what it is you are asking in your post.... as much as you may want to think he is safe. dont leave him alone with your kids. you may very well regret it when they are cutting and suicidal like my 14 yr old is.

Angela - posted on 05/17/2012

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I agree that strict control of a teenager's personal freedom can curtail their activities but you can't keep a kid in your pocket, 24/7. They will find a way. Any restriction my own parents put on me had me plotting & planning 3 jumps ahead!

And curfews do not work! What can you do after 11pm that you can't do at any other time of day?

It's really hard to keep a tight rein on a teenager.

But I could never entertain a man as my partner/spouse that had sex in any form with my daughter - even if the daughter WASN'T an underage youngster. My friend's sister had a boyfriend, they split up after a while and then he was in a relationship with their mother. Yuk!! The daughter was in her late 40's, the mother about 25 years older! I couldn't do that at ANY age!

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Angela - posted on 05/18/2012

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Think of it this way - let's assume that all of this isn't just you giving him a good press. Let's look at it like he really is repentant and he really was seduced by your daughter - it was her idea and he just went along with it. So rather than being a paedophile, he's a "victim of circumstances". But the "adversary" demanding sex and then blackmailing him was a kid!

Do you want to be married to and live with an adult that can apparently be manipulated by a kid? Do you want your husband, who is supposed to be your equal life partner, to be someone who is so WEAK?

How do you feel about the mouth that kisses you in love, affection and passion is the same mouth that has done intimate things to an underage girl who just happens to be your own daughter?

Pat - posted on 05/18/2012

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I re-read the original post. I hope I am wrong, but him taking responsibility for everything? And confessing? My husband did that too. I'm so horrible, I'm so sorry, its all my fault, what have I done...etc. its a manipulation tactic. Had he denied..u would've been pissed and gone after him. When these men play the I'm so guilty card, it takes us off the offense. U say u r separated until there is healing? I strongly suggest u keep it that way. Do you really want to spend many many years constantly watching and having this in the back of your mind? Being blackmailed is not a good reason to mess around with a child.period. please understand that I am speaking from first hand experience here. I loved my husband so much. And because I was so afraid id never be loved again,and didn't want to raise the kids on my own..I compromised many areas of my life. End result, a molested daughter,and now 2 little girls who will be raised without a father. He also wanted 'the church' to handle our situation instead of authorities.. ok. I'm done venting. I hope things work out in your case. Should u choose to have this man back in your home, be diligent in watching your kids. Their safety is more important than your feelings...

[deleted account]

You know I have a cousin just like your husband. He never did that type of crime but he is a manipulator. He has done other crimes nothing major but have hurt a lot of people. He is also in the church and read his bible. He also have a bestfriend thats the same way. I am very close to them so I know the difference very well. I read people pretty well. I have never been wrong yet. I I have another cousin who husband has been molested and he has been around my husband before this and after this. He also is a very good reader of people within 10 mins of meeting someone he can tell you what type of person they are and he has been right everytime. My husband is not a big talker so he is not a people person. So he is not good at talking to people to manipulate anyone. So my feeling are not base on anything he is doing or saying this is base on experience and knowing manipulators personally that I have grew up with girls and guys. He is a giver and not a taker. He give the clothes off his back to help someone who needs it. Give his last dollar if someone really needs it. He is the first person to admit when he is wrong and makes no excuses. He does not like to be in the spotlight at all. You know there are people out there who do things wrong and really do change. That cousin I mention early when he does something wrong and get caught his remorse last for about 2wks to 1 month before he goes back to doing it again. My bestfriend got a husband that is the same way. Everytime he gets caught his sorrow last for 2 wks to a month. He makes this whole big drama of crying, I am going to kill myself, call friends and tell them how he cannot live without my friend, buy her stuff, say he would never do it again. That last for about a month and he do again. This has been going on for 4 years with them. He has been doing this the whole 4 years they have been together. When I first met him I knew he was manipulator just base on the way he talked and acted. Then after being around them awhile is when my feeling were confirm. So I am sure that my husband is who he say he is. Right now we are separate. I am with my children. By the way my child is in therapy and even her therapist of 11 months has said that you know she seems to be strong and I dont see the affects of a child who has been molested but we will keep an eye on her. It may come later. My daughter can talk about my husband very easy w/o sad emotions. She speaks about him as though he is just another guy. So yes she is a child and I allow her to talk to me whenever she feels about what happen to her and I never make her feel like its her fault. I make sure to tell her itwas all his fault and she is not the blame no matter what. I tell her everyday there is nothing she could ever do to make me love her any less. So we are good. I am sorry what happen to all of you but God is really with my family and we are so BLESS!!! Have a Great Day!!! One day I will put all the things God has done thru out this experience for me, my children and my husband so you will know God is in this thing with us when its all over. I hope will allow you all to have more faith in God. By the way God has spoken to me loud and clearly concerning my husband. He has sent me signs so my decision is not base on my husband but personal things that has happen to let me know i am moving in the right direction.

Angela - posted on 05/18/2012

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Pat's right! He may well be one of those rare creatures that has truly repented and learned by his mistakes (and yes, from the way you tell your story, SHE seduced HIM rather than the other way round - but he should still have had a sense of responsibility) but my own peace of mind and my children's safety come before his feelings, I'm afraid.

Since your friends, family and neighbourhood seem to support him (from what you say) and your own gut instinct isn't giving you any warning bells, all I can say is good luck.

You really might need it.

Lakota - posted on 05/17/2012

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I am glad that I started teaching my children respect and consequences at an early age. They are teenagers who have misbehaved and gotten in trouble. Curfews and anything else works when there are consequences and if the kids know that they will be enforced. Mine aren't perfect by any means and I don't raise them to reach that standard. It is very hard work, but, can be done. I just choose not to be there friend more than a parent.

I do agree with what you said about her now husband. It is beyond gross that he molested her for years. It is just as gross that she can be with him in any way after that.

[deleted account]

I agree I am all in her busy but no matter how much I am kids still will find a way. If you think they want then you will be surprise. She does not have that freedom. But one day she will leave and I want be there to say no dont. Thats when the teaching of right and wrong will have to take over and God.

Lakota - posted on 05/16/2012

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Teenagers are incapable of thinking about the consequences of their actions. That is why the parents must be up in their business 24/7. I have one myself. It is hard to know what they are doing all the time, but, you can control when they leave the house, cell phone usage, grades, etc. It just takes a lot of work. They learn nothing if they are given permission to run free. Kids find a way to do wrong if they are given the freedom to do so. Your daughter should be concerned with her grades, college, having fun as a teenage girl, not who she is going to have sex with next!

Lakota - posted on 05/16/2012

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Again, good luck. You said it best when you said he was a coward. He stopped it after 4 years. In that 4 years, you were having sex with him also. How that doesn't make you want to puke is beyond me. You will see one day what a big mistake you are making. I will pray for all of you.

[deleted account]

oh i guess i left something out he is the one who stopped it. After he told her he wasnt going to do this anymore and what they are doing is wrong is when she told. I found this out 2 months after everything came out after I read her diary. He is the one that started the ball going for it to come out because the day they start argueing about it is the day when i came home and he told her please tell your mom but she would not. He was too coward to tell me. its easy to say when you are not in someone shoes to say well he should have told. I understand because I myself have been in something and once you are in so deep you cant see your way out. So I am not mad at anything you said. Like I said before there are no words to explain why I feel the way I feel. Its a lot of things I have not put on here and I never will so I can keep my daughter in a child like state. She had said a lot of things to me thats has confirm things he has told me about the incidents. So this is how I know he is telling the truth not by what he said but by what she has told me.

Lakota - posted on 05/16/2012

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I hope things work out for your family. I don't think that you are crazy for forgiving him, but, he abused your daughter (whether she showed signs or not) and you. I have to be honest and tell you that I don't understand how you can be with him. I'm glad that he is accepting the blame, but, he didn't think that he was wrong while he was doing it. And it was going on for a long time. He sounds like a master manipulator, who is sorry now because he got caught. You have to know that this would still be going on if your daughter hadn't said anything? Keep your 14 yo from going out of the house, except from school. You have to maintain some control over her. She is going down the wrong road and has no respect for herself. But, why would she? She isn't valued in her own home. I don't want to make you mad. But, put yourself in her shoes. She was the child. She was curious about sex, so, this grown man took it upon himself to rape her for 4 years. That is what it is - rape. Then her mother goes and marries him. How would you feel?

[deleted account]

Yes and he said he deserves whatever he gets. He is not fighting it. If he got to go for 25 years he said then so be it. He did the crime so he said if he must he will do the time. I agree. This is the part most people who hear my story miss. We are not supporting what he did but the man he has become and taking responsibilty.

[deleted account]

THanks but I dont feel guilty about anything I have done. My daughter knows how I feel because II am a honest person. Her and I are very close and she has said mother I trust you. I have great kids and he is great also. He is a man of God now and so am I. My children are bless and very happy. Its more of the people on the outside who cannot understand because all they see is the crime. I love it when people see us, my children and look on with amazement. Many people say things but when they see him they have compassion for him because they see his heart. When they see my daughter and children and see how happy they are they say I know the Lord is working in you all lives. They get encourage because they see how God is restoring our family so they believe if God can save him, give me and my children joy then God can do the same for them. My God is a God of compassion and restoration. I dont see anywhere in the bible that said if someone do this kind of sin you should know they could never be saved or restored again. I am sorry but I stand on God's word not on what people think. It doesn't matter what others say it only matters what my children and close family and friends say. Its love, forgiveness, mercy and prayer that brings those who have strade away from Christ to come back. I have never in my life seen someone who has done this type of crime and have so many people who support him. They dont think what he has done is ok they support him because he has taken responsiblity and has become a man of God not because he confessed but because God has shown him love and forgiveness. Read Galations 6:1

Lakota - posted on 05/15/2012

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Honestly, I can't even understand why you are confused about what to do. The fact that you came on here for advice says it all. You know you should have gotten rid of him and now you feel guilty that you didn't. He betrayed you, your daughter, God. Period. Kick him to the curb.

Jeorge - posted on 05/09/2012

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You don't know my story and you think I am judging you. I am trying to tell you forgive him that is fine but You don't give a drunk a bar. KEEP YOUR DAUGHTERS AWAY FROM HIM!
You keep telling us how great your relationship with your daughter is but from what you have told us you don't know her at all. If you want people to tell you what you want to hear it sounds like there are plenty around you already why ask for our advice?
I know nothing I say will change your feeling about him and what his capable of but if it was me I would be forgiving him from two states away

[deleted account]

Thanks. I trust God . Its seems your opinion is base on what has happen in your life with your brothers. So I can understand where you are coming from but every person that has done a bad thing don't always assume well I know my friend did this or my brother did this so they will too. Thats what I hear. I started having children early 19. People started to put me in a box saying oh your life is over you will be nothing. But I have proven them ALL wrong. I am very successful. All I am saying when someone do something wrong dont automaticly say well they are just like all the rest. Give people a chance with the help of God to live up to their word. I am sure in life you have done something wrong that people may have label you but you knew you had changed. I know I have been label without a person getting to know me. But once they have been around me and say oh you are not at all what I thought. Its so many people that have done this terrible thing and will do again. So I understand that. But this case its not the same. There are no words I can say to help people understand that. So only time will tell. Time always does. Its just like a cheater. They say once a cheat always a cheat. Thats not true. Its a choice. You can choose to cheat or not. Same here its a choice. I choose to trust God. There is no buts for me. God has given strong evidence that I am headed in the Right Direction. Bottom line I am not with him, I am with my children. So I embrace everything you all are saying. Believe it or not its Encouraging. I will keep be sure to put my testimony on here years to come if its God will when it all said and done. So that it will be an encouragement to others who have terrible things happen to them or to someone else. I will leave with this Matthew 19:26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." AMEN. Does this apply to my family issue

Carla - posted on 05/09/2012

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Tia, you are the one that came to us for advice. We have given you advice. My advice comes from trusting God, most certainly, but having first hand evidence from my brothers, I also understand God expects us to use our brains.

It sounds like you have made up your mind, so I pray in the years to come, this doesn't come back to bite you.

Good luck.

[deleted account]

I hear what you are saying. I am taking my daughter side completely. But I also believe in the power of forgiveness. I choose to live with my daughter and support her. She knows how I feel about him and she talks openly about how she feels. We dont fight. My daughter has said I know my mother has my back and I know regardless how she feels about him she would never bring him around me. You are on the outside looking in, so you couldn't possibly understand where I am coming from. I have 4 people in my life that I am very close to that have been molested has children. They too have spoke with my daughter and they know him also. They all have said the same thing and they support me. They have seen him since this has happen and they also believe he is sorry. We (meaning him and I) are doing whats right for the kids. We have put what we feel to the back. We both are doing everything separate whats right for the kids. So there are no words I can explain to anyone where I am coming from and how I feel. I feel people like yourself would always put me and him in a box. But it doesnt matter what others think or feel. My daughter and I have a great relationship before and now. He is doing the right thing now. We cannot change what happen but we can change what we do today so our future can be great. People say they believe in Gods word and will live it the fullest. But thats only until something happens that they cant wrap their minds around (like this) then Gods word go out the window. Some so call christians feel like God words doesn't apply to this issue b/c it was an adult and a child. But MY GOD has been showing up and showing out thru out this process. Everytime I decide I am going to do what people want me to do,God sends me confirmation that I am going in the right direction. So my goal is not to help outsiders feel better, My goal is to please God and make sure my family is happy and safe. God is a God of restoration and God is please with me.

Jeorge - posted on 05/08/2012

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You say you are on your daughters side but everything you say. Says he is sorry and she started it. If he had said NO and told you what your daughter was up to I would be more likely to believe anything that came out of his mouth. SHE IS 14 I don't care what she says about liking it and starting it she learned from someone. I believe in forgiveness and understand he is sorry but I wouldn't let him near my daughter or me.
He went along with this and didn't confess until he was caught.
Take your daughters side for real and save your other children from his sexual molestation.
You say the professionals say he won't do it again but he DID do it over and over again. How many times does he have to molest your daughter before you see him for what he is.
I feel like you don't understand SHE IS 14 and he is an adult taking advantage of a very confused little girl

Angela - posted on 04/28/2012

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This is all quite shocking. The bottom line is that he should have refused your daughter's advances the very first time she approached him sexually and then she'd have had NOTHING to blackmail him about. That's assuming they're both telling the truth about what happened.

Have you considered that your daughter may be inventing the story she's giving you, in order to make herself feel in control and that it was HER idea?

He wants things puttting right because, as you say, it's not he potential jail sentence that frightens him, it's his family honour and reputation, his standing in the community etc ... Well, did you know that most REAL paedophiles feel the same way? Once a prison sentence is served, it's served and over with. But a bad or shameful reputation lasts forever.

If I were a male paedophile who had abused my partner's daughter, I would want to get as far away from all of them as possible once the truth came out. But if I was the father of one of her younger kids, I would be attempting to heal the relationship so I could still see my child. Self preservation is a very strong instinct, but so is parental love and devotion and family togetherness. I'm seriously wondering if he would have still wanted to heal the family, marry you etc .... if you didn't have a child together?

Even if he's not a "true" paedophile, in the eyes of the Law he will be treated as one because of his offence.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Also I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's role in this (if she's being truthful). How do you heal the relationship with your daughter even (regardless of whether this man is in your life) when something like this has happened?

I don't envy you at all but I wish you all the best and will pray for you all.

[deleted account]

well he is in sex therapy. She said he does not fit the profile and she said in her professional opinion she believes he would not base on a lot of things. He sorry he did it. Its been almost a year now. He has nightmare about it. His family are the ones that made him go b/c he was losing sleep and crying all the time. Not about him facing jail time but the embarressment he brought to the family, the hurt of me, the kids and his family. people call him a rapist at his job b/c someone found out. he go to work still every day and take it. he take what anyone saids about him. he said it hurts for people think he is a child molestor but he know that he brought this on himself. when i spoke to my daughter about it she said it did not happen a lot like him coming her room or nothing. it happen maybe once a month to 6 weeks. i dont blame my daughter at all b/c she is a child. I blame him and he blames himself b/c she could have not done this unless he allowed it. So I know he would never do it again. i will watch him. we are separate and have no plans for a long time to be together. I pray everyday to keep my eyes open. Right now i am forcus on my kids and healing. While he forcus on his healing and getting right not for me but for God and his kids.

Carla - posted on 04/27/2012

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Having gone through this with our 14 y/o niece with her step-father (my brother) and her uncle (my other brother), I see this a little differently. All girls start exploring their allure-ness, some younger than others. But decent society expects the older men involved to use some common sense. If they went out and picked up a 13 or 14 y/o, they would have been arrested. But somehow they feel as long as it is a family member, it's fair game. Both my brothers continued their sick habits, even after seeing the disastrous results their actions caused.



I 'hear' from what you've said that he is very sorry. But is he sorry for the deed, or sorry for getting caught? Only time will tell, sweetheart. Now the next question is--will he do it again? Pedophilia is a very strong pull, and statistics show they don't normally stop. So, a huge word of advice is--limit his contact with young girls, even your own. Watch him like a hawk. Watch your children for signs of abuse. Do I believe God can change him? Yes, I do. But God also gave children parents to protect them from the ugliness of the world. He expects you to do your due diligence until you are absolutely positively sure he is truly 'healed'.



God gives us children, and at the end, at Judgment Day, He will ask us what we did to protect the precious ones He gave us. I do not want you to stand there and say 'but I trusted him!', only to find out he wasn't trust-worthy. Sorry I can't be more positive and uplifting to you, but my husband worked in a prison for over 20 years. We've seen people 'find Jesus', only to throw Him out the moment they walked outside the prison walls. Pray hard, keep your eyes open.



God bless, honey

[deleted account]

Well she was actually 12 and half when it start base on what both of them say. I am more mad at him b/c he could have told me. He said he not sure why he did it b/c he is not interested in children and never looked at her that way. If you had live in our house there was red flags. His whole behavior changed. He started complaining alot. Something he never did. He started saying he wanted me to change my hours at work so i can be home on saturdays so he would not have to babysitt. That was really odd b/c he love the kids and love being a father. He only complain about daughter always bothering him but he made it sound like she was just asking him questions all the time. After everything came out my daughter was telling everybody. its was to the point people was calling me telling me it sounds like your daughter is bragging about what happen to her. She told many diff stories of how it happen. Every story changed. My husband is very shame of what he did. He walks around in shame. Even though he did not force her he still did it and he wants to pay for it. Its not to many people who do stuff like this that take full responsiblity for it like he is. He makes no excuse for it. He now just wants to make it right. Some people see the good in him but others only see what he did. People think b/c i still love him I cant see what he did. I do and it hurts. But my God said we are to forgive Galations 6:1 and help those who trangress against us to come back to Christ. The only good thing that has come out of this is our relationship with God. I believe God has heal my family and all my kids will be saved.

Linda - posted on 04/26/2012

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That is a very complex situation. It really sounds like your daughter has some serious emotional issues. It is not normal for a 9 year old girl to want sex---was she abused by someone prior to that? Where is her father? I'm also not sure how you can say you have a great relationship with your daughter when it sounds like she seduced your fiance/now husband. That is the ultimate betrayal. However, I know that God can make all things new, and in Christ we are a new creation. I will pray for this whole mixed up situation.

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