just want to curl up in a ball and rock myself to sleep

Carla - posted on 08/31/2012

Father, we ask for healing for Kyle in the Name of Jesus. We ask You touch her shins and strengthen them to be better than they were. We ask that You give her divine compassion, discernment to know when she's being played, faith to know You are with her to protect as she protects us, and love that defies life. We ask that you make her a bright beacon for You, and her police department will NEVER be the same again ;) Amen



God bless, sweetheart. You are doing a good thing. Peace be to you and with you.

Kyle - posted on 08/31/2012

Carla- The police academy went good. I actually just finished it the 20th of this month. I still have to take my written state test and my fitness test but i am on medical leave for multiple bilateral bone edema, which basically means i have multiple fractures along my shin on both legs from running with shin splints. Unfortunately my healing is not going so well. I was cleared to run but still have pain while doing so and after. So i have another MRI and i am just praying my body will heal soon so i can start my training again to take my test because i only have a limited time to take it or i will have to retake the academy again. Other than that everything is going okay.

Carla - posted on 08/31/2012

Hey Kyle--I just came across this old post and it made me wonder if or how your police studies are going?

Carla - posted on 08/15/2012

Sounds like you have gotten a handle on things, Kyle, thank God! Stay in touch with us, honey.

God bless

Kyle - posted on 08/15/2012

Things have gotten better. She is eight now. We sstarted a chore and discipline system. We got small wood chips from joann fabrics or michaels craft store and i let them paint them and got a few metal rings to put them on after i drilled holes in them, then i wrote chores on each one and wrote discipline actions on the others. They earn money for their chores and loose the money they earned as punishment. They earn average about 10-20 cents for each chore (stuff like picking up their toys, wiping down the refrigerator or stove, sweeping the floors, walking the dog, feeding all the animals) and loose about the same for their disipline for stuff like lying, tantrums, being told more than once, being mean ect. I just took them to the store and let them spend some of their money after we took out tithe and money to save. They loved it. She was so happy she could buy her own stuff.

Carla - posted on 08/15/2012

@Brooke--your son is going to pull every trick in the book to make you feel guilty. Don't listen!

I am a huge proponent of Supernanny's Naughty Spot method. We use that on our grandchildren, now 6 and 5. We tell them to do (or don't do) something--if they don't do it we kneel down so we are eye level and with an even voice say 'this is your warning, if you do not clean your room, you will go in the naughty spot'. If they don't do it after that, take your son by the hand and place him in a corner designated the naughty spot. Mine is in front of the washer, so there's nothing to distract him. If I have to do both of them at the same time, one sits in front of the trash can. Again, down at eye level with them I say 'you are in the naughty spot because you did not mind Grammy when I told you to clean your room. Now sit quietly with your hands in your lap for your time', then set the timer for one minute of each age, so 6 minutes for your son. If they start acting up like screaming hysterically, I tell them I will not start the timer until they are quiet and sitting with their hands in their lap. After they are quiet for their proper amount of time and the timer goes off, I go over, get down on their level and ask them why they were in the naughty spot. Make them tell you what they did wrong and then reinforce their statement with 'yes, you disobeyed Mama because you didn't clean your room'. Then make them give you a SINCERE apology (not this 'sorry, sorry, sorry'), then give them a hug and a kiss and go on with your day. Now I have seen Nanny have to put the kid back on the chair 50 times before they finally sit, so don't get discouraged! Keep at it! Consistency is the key word here. If your child knows if they don't mind they are gonna be sitting in the corner, it doesn't take long for them to figure out it's better to mind. And it also helps relieve the stress on you if you follow this consistently. When he starts the 'I never get to do anything fun' stuff, tell him when he learns to behave properly, you will reward him with something fun, then make sure you carry through with it. Don't promise something then not follow up. And as for the 'I never get to do what I want to do', tell him he is part of a family and what he wants to do may not be good for the family. You can't jump on the bed because you will either get hurt or break your bed, then we will have to spent X amount on a new bed for you, and that will mean we will not get to go to the movies or out to dinner because we will have to save for your new bed.'

Kids are smart. Once you start relating to him the consequences for his behavior, he will understand and comply.

As for Mama----you are going to have to tell her 'Mom, you are complaining about Johnny's behavior, but you don't want me to correct him. So please, let me do what I feel is right so he can be the boy we know he can be.' Then have Dad back you up.

God bless, sweetheart, you can do this!

Brooke - posted on 08/15/2012

Kyle, since it looks like it has been nearly 2 and a half years since you first posted this, I was wondering if you can give an update. I was searching for help and guidance because of my 6 year old son. He is doing very similar things...and saying things like "I never get to do anything fun", "I never get to do what I want to do", and he's started saying "I hate you" to me. I've never been much of a screamer and most of the time I manage to ignore him. I find it easy to say, "you aren't going to walk, well I'm leaving, good-bye" and I head off...carefully looking over my shoulder to make sure he doesn't get out of my sight without him seeing that I'm watching him. He waste a tremendous amount of my time trying to argue with me, however, I refuse to argue back, which only fuels his fire. He's really not that bad when we are home...it's just when we go somewhere like my mom's house...suddenly he becomes completely different...he transforms into a whiney, crabby, stubborn child and I can't stand it. My mom isn't much help because she gives in to him on a whim. My stepdad has even put his foot down on how my mom acts to him, he tells her, "you aren't going him any good coddling him and you aren't helping Brooke. Les (my husband) knows it, Brooke knows it, I know it...he even knows it...just stop!" However she continues and then she complains to me about how awful he is and how it makes her not even want to be around him. It's sooooo difficult. He's praised at school and church and even the baby sitter, but he's so difficult and he's becoming harder and harder even at home. He throws tantrums, he fights with his brother constantly (his brother is almost 4), I'm absolutely miserable. I seldom want to take the kids anywhere together anymore. When I get to run errands with just my 6 year old, it's fine, nothing goes wrong...but as soon as my almost 4 year old is around...the fighting begins. I hope it's gottan better for you...I was just wondering what has helped.

Kyle - posted on 09/06/2010

thank you

Carla - posted on 09/06/2010

Prayin' for ya, sweetie. Motherhood is hard, but if you are consistent, it will be rewarding!

God bless, honey

Kyle - posted on 09/05/2010

Yes, I am okay. Thank you for being concerned Carla. I haven't been on COM much lately.

Just an update, My daughters behavior has not changed much. She still has the wild temper tantrum any time she doesn't like what you have to say and still does not do what she is asked to do a lot of the time. most recently, she has pretty much been living in her room this past week. She has refused to clean her room. it started off me telling her no tv until it is done but then she kept turning it on but down low so I couldn't hear it so I told her if she did it again I would take it. well, she did it again so I took her TV out of her room, then she started trying to sneak into our room and watch TV instead of cleaning it. She stayed in her room for about a week straight (minus food and potty breaks) until it finally got done. She ruined a few days of fun stuff I had planned because she wouldn't do it until my husband stood in her room and supervised her basically telling her what to clean up and where to put it until it was FINALLY done. But, I don't want that to become a habit because I know she can clean her room on her own.
I have been trying harder to control my yelling but it seems the more I think about not yelling and the harder I try not to do it the more I want to do it. I have not been yelling as much but I find myself loosing that battle often. I just keep praying that God would just GIVE me patience and not give me any more obstacles to LEARN patience.

Now that a have basically wrote a book I guess I will stop! :) But thank you for being concerned about me.

Carla - posted on 09/05/2010

Kyle, haven't heard from you on here in a while. Will you post so we know you are all right?

Dawn - posted on 08/19/2010

Look into the parenting tips called "Love and Logic" it will take about 6 weeks of using it consistantly to change her behavior, but it is worth it.

Jill - posted on 08/19/2010

you have to stop the yelling.... i went through this myself... they want to see your reaction....and your giving her a show... just what she wants... i had to change my behavior before my 8 yr old changed hers and my 5 yr old.... your daughter just wants some attention and you are giving it to her ... she wins!!!!...

if i could give you one piece of advice from a mother of 3 who just went through this is DO NOT REACT ... calmly tell her what you expect of her and of her bad behavior... but do it loveingly... even when you want to scream at her don't .... Jesus never raised HIS voice.... emulate His behavior and you will see results... i promise you... stick with it though....

God bless you we all go through this ,... it is just your turn,...:)

Diane - posted on 03/28/2010

Cynthia is right the Boundaries book is great a must read.

There is nothing wrong with occasionally rolling up into a ball and crying yourself into a good deserved sleep. Ask a family member to babysit and do something for yourself. You need a time out..........to regroup. I am sure you are a fantastic mom and your child is not unusual........as you can tell by those posting here.

Do something for yourself, you will think better if your rested and strong.

Did you ever see Raising Helen? I think this is a funny movie and it always makes me laugh. We are not supposed to be our children's best friends remember that. A house would fall without walls to hold it up........a child needs boundaries and rules.

God Bless.

MRS DARLENE - posted on 03/27/2010

HANG IN THERE. MOST FIVE YEARS OLD GO THROUGH A STAGE . MAYBE INSTEAD OF TELLING HER TO CLEAN HER ROOM HELP HER FIRST . THEN SET SOME BOUNDRIES, AND IF SHE DECIDES SHE WANT TO THROW A TANTRUM, THEN PUT HER ON A PUNISHMENT NOT NOTHING SO SEVERE,AND TELL HER WHY SHE IS BEING PUNISH. THE BIBLE SAYS TRAIN YOUR CHILD IN THE WAY YOU WILL HAVE IT TO GO, AND TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER EVERYDAY, BECAUSE IT JUST MIGHT BE SHE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS OF THE ONE YEAR OLD GOOD LUCK, JUST KNOW YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT , AND IT IS NOTHING THAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG BUT TRY NOT TO YELL, BECAUSE MOST KIDS WILL REACT IN THE SAME WAY.IT WILL PAST .BUT MAKE SURE YOU ENFORCE YOUR RULE AND AS SHE GROW UP SHE WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT

Alexis - posted on 03/27/2010

I agree, we should be here to ENCOURAGE each other. Thank you for sharing your experience. My son has been able to pay attention in Sunday school (instead of getting kicked out) since he began taking his medication and has recently decided to accept Christ as his savior now that he has come to know Christ.

Valerie - posted on 03/27/2010

And just to add I don't think she has ADHD I just was saying try to figure out what method you can use to teach her how to have self control, and be patient things will work out

Valerie - posted on 03/27/2010

Hun I know how you feel, I have 3 kids, 1, 3, and 6, but my 6 year old son gave me a hard time did everything you said in this post about your child but he would act out everywhere I wish it was just at home because it was at times embarrassing to take him anywhere, his teacher would suspend him all the time, and there were moments I wanted to give up and my mom would just say pray, but I was so mad I would just say for get him, but I can't just for get him cause he's my son so I had to pray, I started to feel maybe it has to do with not being the only child but he acted out before I even had any other kids then I thought maybe because he doesn't see his Father, but he would say I don't want to go over his house, so I told his doctor and she gave me some papers me and his teacher had to fill out and basically we had to grade him on a scale 1-5 in his behavior and his teacher added she felt his behavior was a big distraction in school and a big reason why his grades where bad, well long story short my son now takes meds to even him out the doctor said he has ADHD and basically it's when your brain has a lot of things going through it and it's kind of hard to keep up so you tend to act out, now some may say why would you give your son that, but my son does good now that he's on the meds he make good grades and he plays normal now and he doesn't have out burst, he now lives with his dad because I feel it's best for him because he was hitting me to and truth be told I know it takes a man to make a man out of him, but in your case hold strong because your daughter may grow out of this. but if you ever want to talk feel free to inbox me cause I know how you feel.

Jill - posted on 03/27/2010

kids love to push our buttons... they love to see us freak out so to speak... do not give her the upper hand by losing your temper.... start taking her favorite things away or send her to her room for a time out... just don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you upset...

Amy - posted on 03/26/2010

You know, I used to think like Cynthia until I was right there. I've since learned a lot about compassion and empathy.

I'll encourage you all to please not judge my parenting decisions regarding my treatment of my son. It was the most heart wrenching, agonizing time of my life, and I'm trusting you all with a profoundly personal part of my life.

My son is absolutely NOT numbed and controlled. He is very much a more focused, more able version of himself. HE is proud of himself and and has said "I'm just better at EVERYTHING." He now has friends. He had gone his entire life without friends. I cannot express how difficult it is to see your child cry because everyone "wishes he didn't exist" ... or to go to a school picnic where you see all the other kids playing, parents meeting, while your child eats alone with you and runs off to play alone, while you sit alone on a blanket and wonder what on earth you are doing wrong.

I know not everyone would make the same decision I did. That's okay. It's our job to support each other, not criticize and tear each other down with passive-aggressive remarks.

We tried grain free and dairy free diet, supplemented with flax seed oil, and several other supplements including EFA, DHA, zinc, magnesium, and ... I can't remember them all. I bought books and books and books.

Anyway, I won't take any more time away from the main topic. I only posted my experience in case Kyle thought it would be helpful to her...which apparently it wasn't quite on the right track, but perhaps another mom might be helped, and will be brave enough to take whichever steps are right for HER family.

Penny - posted on 03/26/2010

I am a first grade teacher and I can advise you that one of the biggest things kids need is consistency and routine. Set a specific routine for your mornings and evenings. If you say you have five minutes to get ready or time out, then you have to do it. Another thing is if you do an awards chart, let her pick her award. That is a huge thing for kids.

Alexis - posted on 03/26/2010

My daughter was the same way until I put all my effort into the Chore Chart. Not only did she get to pick out cool stickers at the store to place on her chore chart and help come up with some of the activities on the chore chart, but she also got to choose a prize for getting all the stickers for the day (something from a dollar store but NOT candy). She enjoyed the attention from completing tasks and the positive reinforcement became more pleasant for her than the negative. The chore chart has some fun things to do (like making a healthy snack), some small jobs (wash bathroom sink), and some behavioral tasks (don't cry when mommy says bedtime and you'll earn an extra 10 min of story time). We both have had a lot of fun with it, out relationship is much better and her self esteem hay soared! (I also assured her that I love her because I know that she can do all those cool things on the chore chart and her baby sister can't do any of those cool things because she's just a baby.) The best part is no more yelling. I only have to say, "don't you want to be able to pick out a cool new sticker?"

Kyle - posted on 03/26/2010

I am pretty sure she does not have ADD or ADHD or anything like that because she behaves pretty well in public and in school. It is just when we are at home. I don't know, I am thinking maybe she gets bored and feels cooped up because we havent had weather to go do stuff lately. maybe she just needs to get out of the house. I do know I def DO need to find some kind of consequences for her actions and stick with them. I have a hard time with that. We have tried the chore and consequence chart where she gets stars for the things we ask her to do (clean her room, homework, prayers) but she doesn't want to do it to get the reward. she has only done it all once and she got to go to Magic Mountain. I will look at the book boundaries for kids, it sounds interesting thank you.

Keep the ideas coming ladies, thank you.

Cynthia - posted on 03/26/2010

Hi Kyle,
Get the book Boundaries with Kids! Go to amazon or whatever, it is a must have!

You are the parent of two beautiful children. You have to be strong and there must be respect and boundaries. Remember that children will respond the way they are treated.

The bible says that children are "under guardians and managers" until the appropriate time.
There are so many challenges mothers face. You have to be strong with her and there must be time for her as well. Children will "act out" for so many reasons. Problems at school, not enough time with friends, abuse. The list goes on forever. Get a handle on her behavior, but first get a handle on yours and read that book!

Don't MEDICATE your child! If you have any questions just contact me directly and I can give you some personal advice.

I think too many people are so ready to medicate their children versus dealing with the real issues. Yes, their are definitely children who really need medication, but read the book first and give it a few months to see change. Change does not happen immediately, it is the process of sowing and reaping my dear. :)

I think anyone would be "better" on medication. It numbs you out or controls you. I will pray for you.

Amy - posted on 03/26/2010

Oh, Kyle... I've been there! It's so very very hard. My life was like that a few months ago. The thing that changed between then and now is an ADHD diagnosis.



I never thought I'd ever give my child medication for a 'farce' like ADHD. But continued trouble at school, trouble and attitude at home, irresponsible behavior, all despite consequences and consistency... The school recommended we get the eval done. So I did. And I tried vitamin supplements and diet changes before the meds. They did help some. But not nearly enough. So we try the meds, and I'm so glad we did! He is still himself, just a more focused, and more capable version.



He would throw tantrums like you describe mostly because he needed to feel in control of something. He felt so out of control with his ability to focus and perform like the other kids and do what was expected. It really impacted his self esteem in a very unhealthy way.



I guess what I'm saying is that it might not be YOU. If this is a continued pattern, I'd recommend that you talk to your Ped or to a counselor. There are any number of things that could be going on in the brain to cause this behavior.



It might be as simple as a needed change in your discipline structure... but it might not. I hope you are able to get this straightened out! I know how that can affect an entire family. I'll pray for you!

MaryEllen - posted on 03/26/2010

Do you homeschool, or does she go to school?
If she goes to school, talk to her teacher. See if she behaves differently. If she behave the same way at school as she does at home, it might not be a bad idea to seek professional help. My dd has ADHD and and oppositional disorder. She can t help it, she just is defiant under certain circumstances (hunger and fatigue). The best I can do right now is avoid those as we train her to be aware of her body needs and how to cope.

If she is a "good girl" at school, then you need to find a different way to deal with her. Something consistent. Perhaps a chart listing the different ways she behaves and a consequence for that behavior. A "bad" behavior get a "bad" consequence and, just as important, a "good" behavior get a "good" consequence.

Christa - posted on 03/25/2010

You definitely need to set some rules and stick to them. Be consistent, she needs to know you are the boss and that's the end. You need a punishment for when she breaks the rules, whether it be a time out or spanking or whatever you see fit. Try your hardest not to loose your temper, when she see's you loose it she knows she's gaining ground. You need to stay calm, keep your voice firm but calm. Also keep in mind there's no difference between good attention and bad attention, it's all attention. Try giving her more good attention, make a point to praise her when she's playing quietly or picks up her stuff or whatever. Sometimes, depending on what she's doing if its not hurting anything, ignore her tantrums. You have to re-train her as to what is acceptable. It will be rough at first but when she sees you mean business and you won't be giving in, she will stop fighting so hard, but that is why you HAVE to be strong and consistent. Good Luck!!

Katherine - posted on 03/25/2010

kyle, it sounds like you need to start a time out with her and if you have been doing it, you need to put her some where that she can't be a part of what is going on in the rest of the house, for example, if you are in the living room put her in the next room, or place her on the couch with the tv off, and make her stay there. when she throws a fit ignore her, leave her in the floor and walk away, my son is the same way about cleaning his room, he is 7, and what i have done for the past few months is when it gets to the point that i have to ask him to clean it, i take 2 trash bags with me, one is for paper, broken crayons etc... and the other is for toys and i make him place them in the bag, and tell him that since he doesn't want to take care of them we will be giving them to children who will be glad to have them and i stick to that, we take them to a donation box. and i don't replace those toys. i have had to do this 3 times in the past 2 yrs believe me they don't like to get rid of their stuff. but you have to let her know if you do this that she has control of the situation and if she would clean her room she wouldn't have to give the toys up. now, when she hits you at all, to any degree, she needs to be in time out, and you need to explain to her that it is unacceptable, and you need to tell yourself that you cannot allow this behavior to upset you to the point of yelling, ( we all do it at some point) but it affects your whole attitude for the remainder of the day, or it does me anyway, so i have begun to tell my son, "i am counting to 3, and then things are going to change" and he knows that when i begin to count he is about to be punished. if he mumbles, stomps off, any negative behavior, he gets in trouble. if you have to walk to the bedroom and count to 50 to calm down, don't let her see you get upset because she is getting the reaction she wants, most times when we get so upset we give in, and if we do it one time kids remember it and keep trying for that same result, teaching them a new behavior is not easy, or quick but be consistant and she will eventually get the picture that you are the mom and she does what you say not the other way around. and i always make my kids say please and thank you to me (and everyone else) for everything and if they don't they don't get what they want, that one doesn't take so long for them to learn. you'll do great and so will she, pray also, that helps every situation.