Lock down on teenage girl....

Jeanette - posted on 03/25/2010

My daughter just turned 15 and I agree 100% about checking her texts and computer i trust my daughter but it's other people i dont trust so you are not the only parent who checks things i believe that it is our job to monator our children , they are our precious gift that God gave us and if he wants to he can always take that gift away people say that we are not giving our children their priviateity but until they are 18 or go on their own there is none we have a very hard job as mothers to raise our children the best we can are we going to make mistakes? Yes we will because there is no perfect parents or person except for Jesus he is the only one but just pray before you make decisions and He will be there we will keep your family in prayers

Stephanie - posted on 03/25/2010

I really dont know what to say I will pray for you and your family but this is my thought.....Have you ever tried ignoring her when you know she is lying? or calling her bluff on things? Like when she said she was overwhelmed giving her so many tasks that she is overewhelmed? This is only a thought and I could be way off here but this is what my parents did to me and I think it worked although I don't think my parents struggled as bad as you are with your daughter. You know that God is working on her becasue of her dream and you said yourself that you can see it in her eyes. Hang on tight and take comfort in knowing that you are doing the right thing by giving her boundries. Have you ever thought about taking away all of her stuff? I mean everything the door to her room and her bed....make her sleep on the floor. I know this seems harsh but I have a friend who was struggling with thier teen and that is what they did and it seemed to work. My friend told her child that privacy was a privliage she had to earn and since she wanted to shut and lock the door they took away the temptation of even having a door.

Bridget - posted on 03/24/2010

Hi Rebecca my name is Bridget and I also have a 15 yr old daughter and i have had the same issue of her lying to me in the past and all i can say is as exausting and hard as it is don't give up on her and keep your faith strong. My daughters only issue was she just couldn't tell the truth no matter what about anything. And ours was also ALOT of miscommunication about alot of things. She didn't feel like she could talk openly with me because i also have a 9 yr. old son that took alot of my time and i didn't feel i could trust anything she said because all i figured she wanted to do was lie. At one time she was diagnosed with ADHD but over time we didn't feel the meds were doing her any good so we ( my husband & I) chose to take her off of them. Over time though we got our communications straightened out and I FINALLY convinced her i was her friend not her enemy she felt better about talking to me about things and her lying has stopped for the most part. Now and then she will still tell one if she thinks it will save her from trouble only to find out lying gets her in more trouble. And my daughter wouldn't take responsibility for her actions either and still won't sometimes but that's a teenager for ya. And as far as the computer goes you just go right on the way you are doing because that's how you keep sickos out of her computer. That's where our computer with internet access is at is in our living room where there is adult supervision so i commend you for that and dont you feel 1 bit bad about that.and as far as the taking phone and everything away if she goes right back to doing it once she gets it back keep it longer next time.Yes i struggle daily with my daughter as well but you are doing the right thing and continue to pray EVERY day and don't stop!Sooner or later she will come around just don't get discouraged. I will keep your family in my daily prayers.

Rebecca - posted on 01/25/2010

Thanks Terry for the prayer, it is on on target! Heather, I feel the same way. I honestly feel like if she does something good she tells me about it over and over and I praise her and then it's like, "ok, you SHOULD be doing that so give it a rest.." but if I point out something she did wrong or should've done (like a parent should do, not be nasty, but to guide) she punishes me by her whole mood changing and being nasty to everyone and her favorite saying is. "I know mom, I got it".....she does that same thing to my husband. We pointed that out to her and she just shrugs it off. The sad part is last night she came to me and wanted to sit with me and I wondered why.......what did she want, what did she do?! Sad way to think of it.

Heather - posted on 01/23/2010

Rebecca Linn, I am right with you. I feel like I am losing my mind most of the time and all her friend's moms just think I'm an idot while she plays the marytr. Same thing with the grades, last ditch. It's hard. Not identical to what you're going through but I feel like the last one yelling, am I the only one normal?

Terry - posted on 01/23/2010

You are not the only one. We do the same thing (computer in the living room) with our two boys (11 & 8). We will continue to verify (for their safety) every possible aspect of their social lives. But, this is nothing new for them. They have actually come to depend on us to keep them safe.



If you read, try Dr. Kevin Lehman: http://www.drleman.com/store/parenting-b...



The book that comes to mind is "Have a New Kid by Friday"



Oral sex became casual after President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.



Lord, God, Creator of us all, keep this family in your protective care as needed. Please do whatever is necessary for the daughter's heart to be broken for You. Continue to put people in her path who will reinforce her parents' morals and faith. Enable Rebecca and her husband to trust that You are working in their daughter's life and that You are watching over her. Enable them to be accutely aware of the Spirit's prompting and may they obey. I pray they will spend time every day in Your Word as a family and pray for each other daily. In the name of Your precious Son, Jesus Christ.

Rebecca - posted on 01/15/2010

Thanks Robin. I considered the mission trip but didn't want to worry with her behavior with the boys. I will look into something with females only. It is frustrating that she is turning from all we taught her and every tug God does to her......

Robin - posted on 01/15/2010

You are not alone! We too verify our daughter's whereabouts, check her email, her text messages, and even who she calls. I understand the hurt and frustration of having done all you know to do and her still doing wrong. We have raised our daughter to have a heart for Christ and yet when she turned 17 she started turning her back on all she had proclaimed and lying became a way of life. She even started dragging her siblings in and getting them to lie for her.
All I can tell you is to keep on doing what you know is right, don't give up. Know that God keeps his promises. Trust him to do what you can not do. Continue to pray for him to work in her and do not spare her the consequences of wrong decisions. Don't get in God's way.
I promise that it does get better it will just take time. She needs to take what you have taught her about God and his word and make it personal. Until she does that she will continue to rebel. Maybe a couple of weeks on a summer mission trip would be a useful thing, I would look for one that is well chaperoned or single sex so that you don't have to worry about any contact while she is gone.

Bridgette - posted on 01/15/2010

My sister, pray and ask for God's grace. He will help you and give you guidance on how to handle the situation. Get in a quiet place and listen to God.

Rebecca - posted on 01/14/2010

Thanks Sarah! I tell her that often. That I love her no matter what but one day I would be gone and God would always be there and if she didn't feel him it meant SHE had moved away, not God. My husband leads the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) at the high school and she had never gone to a meeting with him in 2 years, which kind of hurt his feelings but this week she went. She didn't mention it to me, but he told me. It will come in time I know...in God's time...not mine. Thanks for the words! I will keep praying.

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2010

my mom had the same problem with me (i am sorry to say) i am now 19 and i was my parents' learning curb. my dad died when i was around 15 and i went crazy when my mom got remarried. something that did help me was it got to the point that all i was aloud to do was sit in my room or clean the house. I wasn't aloud to read or paint I was aloud to go to school and come home. I was not to be online unsuppervised. One of my parents had to be in the room when i was online and everything had a pass word even the TV. My parents didn't let me go on any feild trips or outtings other than to the store if my family had a vacation i was sent to my aunt's and there i was to clean and study for classes. my parents even took away band and peprallys (at my school we took out the last 15 to 30 min of the day and it was held in the gym of the school) I went to counselors all the time and all they could tell my mom was that i had issues that came from my father passing away when i was so young and that i was in the morning process. In the end it took me leaving home and being without my parents there all the time to get me out of stuff for me to settle down. Yes I am expecting my first child but I made that choice on my own it wasn't unplaned. turely what my mom did was let me go after i got old enough to be able to take care of my self but she still worked in the back ground and helped me with out me knowing it till later on. I know she prayed for me all the time and asked God to protect me but in the end she realised that i personaly wouldn't learn from her mistakes i had to make my own before i learned my lesson. The best thing she ever did for me was remind me that no matter what she and God would love me but that only God would be there for ever.

Rebecca - posted on 01/14/2010

Thank you all so much. I sent a message to Liberty to tell her this...but after I posted this she was visiting with her biological father over Christmas and I found out she was texting this 18 yr old AGAIN after 2 police officers had intervened and so I told her to take her phone to her dad and I would call him. I called him and for the first time in her LIFE (we have been divorced since she was 1) he talked to her. We (my husband who has raised her since she was 4 and is her "dad" and me) agreed the phone is too much of a temptation even with all the blocks and time restrictions so it's gone for good (or until she is 40!) but when she came back 2 days later she told me she had had a dream. That she was on a beach and a man came out of this bright light and told her she not doing what God wanted her to do. She was a different child. She was loving, she touched and hugged and kissed, she played with her sister, and was helpful to us. She was apologetic. Then she went back to school and the 18 yr old was there and she sought him out. He is her comfort food. She doens't have many or any friends. She started lieing and not doing homework and the teachers were emailing my husband how she was telling them how overwhelmed she was. She wasn't doing anything.....and she quit being nice when we confronted her about these assignments. I know what you are going to say....don't confront her.....go to her lovingly and quietly, but I am sooooo tired and worn out from talking and asking about homework and offering to help and her just lieing about it. It's like a slap in my face. I try and she doesn't. We all try and she just doesn't. She is so disrespectful and like she just doens't seem to care about anyone but herself. It's actually sad.

Thank you soooo much so your words of encouragement and love and mostly prayers. I do pray for overwhelming love for her when I don't feel it. I pray for everyone's teenagers daily....protection for their hearts and minds....and for their future spouses.

Agatha - posted on 01/13/2010

My children are still really young so I don't know what it is like. I can tell you that my mother was a real pain in my rear when I was growing up and I can't thank her enough now! It has taught me so much.

I will pray for your daughter and yourself. I know that the Lord will help you!!

Theresa - posted on 01/09/2010

I have a 15 yr old daughter and my husband and I have been very strict on her from the beginning. She has a cell phone but only for emergencies. She's not allowed to talk to boys on any phone, and the computer is in the kitchen and she is not allowed on it unless I am standing right beside her .I monitor what she's doing , who she's talking to and she isn't allowed to go to anyone's house unless I really know them and they have the same views and values as me I basically don't let her go any were unless it's close relatives that I know will enforce with her what I do. I use to let her go to people's houses until I find out people let her do things that I don't agree with and if they can't respect me enough as a parent or friend to follow what I say and believe then she goes no were.A lot of people say that I am too strict but I don't think I am strict enough. I was 15 once I remember what I was like when parent's weren't around and I don't want my kids to go thru some of the things I went thru . I actually have a 13 yr old boy also . I don't allow my children to date or even say that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend I think that they are to young and very impressionable and it's hard to say no.So I keep them out of those situations.I know at all times were they are and who they are with. My daughter and my son are very involved at church and my daughter is involved in school activities. It's not easy. I live where I don't have neighbors so I don't have to worry about them trying to sneak out or anything unless they want to get lost in the woods, lol not funny though. I do have a tight hold on my children and I thank God everyday that my children are good for the most part. I have problems with my son and his mouth and disrespecting his parents. Thats the problems I face.

Liberty - posted on 01/06/2010

I first want to let you know you are not alone! CHildren can not be lef to be free! What in the world is that all about? And people wonder why kids these days end up so screwed up! They need guidance. Learn morals and values. I keep mine busy with ballet and scouts. It seems to keep em out of trouble. I too do not allow my 15 yr old daughter to have her phone on school nights. I do allow her to have it on weekends and holidays. However, she is not a problem child. She does on occasion give me an attitude, but I have a no tollerance policy in my home. Talk back or break rules, you are in TROUBLE! I also have a 12 yr old that I do have issues with. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ADHD. For a long time we tortured ourselves and were against meds. After a few years of hell (Im not kidding, pure hell) we could not take it anymore and had her medicated. It has changed her life and ours. Now I obviously dont know you or your child, so I can not say what her issue is exactly. Sometimes, children rebel, sometimes they have issues and dont know how to deal with them or how to tell someone they need help or something bad has happened. In any case, I would get her counseling and possibly see if she has bipolar. It is soometimes hard to diagnose simply because a lot of the time it is overlooked as the issue. But I would do what I have with my 12 year old if I were you. I took her to a phsyc dr and get her help. The more you push or pull she is going to fight you. Also you may want to look up the following website and see if anything seems (symptoms)to match in signs of an issue. It is www.bpkids.org. I wish you the bery best!

Carla - posted on 01/06/2010

I like what you have written! I am sooo tired of parents saying they trust their teens, that they would surely never do anything bad--oh man! THEY ALL LIE! I also like the woman who took her daughter's bedroom door away. Once they start feeling their hormones, they lose all sense! When did it become mandatory that cell phones be provided to our children, laptops, taxi service to the mall, etc? I am the eldest of 5, mostly raised in the 60s, and let me tell you, my folks had NO idea what we were doing! Mom would have died on the spot! She found out, tho, when I turned up pregnant at 15! We raised 3 biological children, as well as dozens of other strays our kids brought home, and guess what? One of the sweet boys my son brought home was selling dope out of our house! Our eldest daughter was restricted most of her high school years, to no avail, she was a brat, no matter what we did to her!

I am telling you all this to let you know this has been going on since the first teenager came of age (remember Cain and Abel?), and will continue on. You do what you can to stop them, but you can't be with them 24/7. You pray God's protection over her, do the best you can, and let God do the rest. No two kids are the same, so what works with one won't necessarily work with another. Pray for sanity, pray you don't kill her (joke), pray God get through to her somehow. My prayers are certainly with you, sweetie, being the parent of a teenager is a hard job!

Colleen - posted on 01/05/2010

This is going to sound totally out there, and it definitely doesn't work for all teenagers, but I know a woman who once took her 16-year-old daughter's bedroom door away. Literally, took it off the hinges. The daughter had to earn back the priviledge of privacy. No more locking herself in her room to pout or text or use a laptop or watch tv or anything. It was a drastic response to a drastic situation, but for them it totally worked.

Rachel - posted on 01/05/2010

o my goodness, if some friends and family of mine would of read this they would say i was talking about my 13 1/2 year old son. the exact thing. lieing, we are very open also. have discussed sex and waiting and we hear you made your mistakes why can't we. he does okay socially because he doesn't have very good friends and they lie too. we have tried grounding, taking away and earning back things and even counseling. i have done alot of research on my sons adhd. some things are because of that but it gets so frustrating dealing with the teachers in school, him picking on older sister, getting in trouble on the bus. so on and so on. they say kids get depressed because of having add or adhd because even though they seem not to have any troubles dealing with having it they hide that they do feel funny. i fought not giving him meds for 2 years and after being upset all the time i put him on meds. it has been alot of ups and downs and trying new meds, but finally we found a patch becuz my son refuses to swallow a pill at almost 14 yrs old. i am feeling you frustaration. it helps to have people to talk to to vent, do not let it tear the family apart. pray and pray hard. i do.and i know i can not deal with this on my own.

Jennifer - posted on 01/04/2010

Your not the only one! We have 4 daughters, the oldest is 12 and will be 13 in April. She is the last of her friends to do everything. We just gave in and got her a Blackberry for Christmas, because we do trust her to be responsible. She also knows that I have ways of getting her Text messages.. We do check her messages, and will continue to do so, if that's what keeps her safe. We also maintain her email accounts and any messengers she has online. They are unable to wear make-up or have a "boyfriend" All of which they know and are okay with it. We have explained that we want them to be children for as long as possible, because once you hit the real world things change. We a re very open with our daughters, and they know they can come to us with anything. Trust and respect are earned not given, and I think your doing the right thing. We also make our children go to church. We explain the need for knowing God, and that going to church helps us to lead a better life.

Amy - posted on 01/04/2010

I will keep you in my prayers. I have friends with teens and seeing what they go through it is not easy. We have a tight hold on our son now. He has asked for a cell phone and the answer is alwyas NO way. We only allow him to play computer games on the comeputer and only allow kid websites for him to go to and one of us is always down stairs incase he gets into something. My son is 8 and is our only son. It is not alwyas easy and God did not say it would be but when we bring up a child as the Lord wants us too they will not go far. God bless you always.

Becky - posted on 01/02/2010

Hi Rebecca,
Wow, it's so good to hear that I am not the only parent out there. I have went through 3 kids with this and one right now. I don't know how to make it better, but I can say that the world is changing and the kids have struggles with fitting in when Christian parents stand up for their beliefs. All my kids didn't fit in because I didn't allow them to drink, party, talk all night on cell phones, or any other thing that teens are doing. I also have my computer out in the open and they had to give me their passwords, so that if I worried about something going on I could check things out. I also checked text messages. I have had problems with a sexual preditor texting my daughter.. she tried to handle it by herself but I found the text and it got better. She kept telling him to leave her alone and argue with him, but we took it to the police right away. I also have a problem with my 16 year old son looking at porn... But I got it so he can't get it on his phone or the computer, but now friends at school give him photos... Its difficult and a battle. Most people say,,,, Boys will be Boys... I hate that because I think its an excuse for parents to not have to parent.
All I can say is that the bible tells us what we need to do. Pray, Trust God, and if you feel that you are doing what God is telling you to do then stick to your guns. Its a matter of battling satan. I know for my kids even though we argue and fight and we have had some issues. But I never give up talking with them and letting them know how much I love them. I don't know yet how much it helps but I do know that even when they want to stop talking to me they come back.
I have a 19 year old son in college and when he turned 18 and graduated he moved in with his girlfriend and her parents that thought i was too strict. It hurt so bad, but as of right now he is struggling, and I think learning how important it is to have guidance and people who love you around. I just pray that his girlfriend quits controling him and that he finds a Christian girl who really loves him and cares about him. keep the faith and I believe you are doing the right thing... :)

Melissa - posted on 01/01/2010

Wow Rebecca, Your precious daughter sounds just like I was when I was her age. Since becoming free from all of that stuff I can see the error of my ways.I am 30 now, married happily and expecting our first child. You are doing the right thing by having such firm boundaries. I want you to know that you have not failed as a parent, you are actually succeeding. I understand that you want to allow your daughter socialization time outside of the home through tennis however it is a privilege that needs to be earned. When she doesn't take responsibility for her actions all privileges should be suspended for at least a month, including cell phone use. You may feel like you are putting her on total lock down or something like that but know that when she starts respecting you and herself then things can slowly be relaxed. I know that you as a mom want to give good things to your daughter, but if she is not making herself worthy of those good gifts cut it off to giving her the very basic necessities; food, and shelter and medical care. Also with her father being involved in the same school that she attends make sure that constant contact is maintained with her teachers and administrators about her progress there, as well as get insight on how she is behaving when you aren't around. Keep Praying and know that even though things may get really tough God can do what we can't. He has you and your husband and He is pursuing your daughter with reckless abandon and even though it may not be in your time but in His time you will see a miracle in your daughter. God Bless you and I'll be praying for you and your family.

Rebecca - posted on 12/31/2009

Thank you for your comments. Heather, I think we run a "tight ship" and my daughter swears we are the ONLY parents that are that strict. My husband coaches a high school football team (where she goes to school) and so he is very adament about respect in our house...which she fights constantly. He is old school that way and I like it but my daughter thinks that he is preventing her from meeting any nice boys.....as I pointed out, the "nice" boys are NOT afraid of her father and ARE out there. Instead she gravitates to turds who an completely inappropriate and dont even try to meet us. And she tells them so many lies she can't bring them around even though we offer just to keep the peace. She always plays the martyr and we don't understand that either. She has a a great life with loving parents and she is very intelligent but refuses to do what she needs to keep her grades up. She always ends up with As and Bs but its always a last ditch effort. I just don't know whether to back off or keep pushing. The boundaries are not changing. We stand firm on those. I know God is working on her....I see it in her eyes in church when she gets teary but the last time that happened she told the lady praying with her how tough her life was and told her a bunch of lies and the lady wanted to discuss this with me......I know it's not about me....but she just doesn't get it and the lieing for attention is so ridiculous and unnecessary! I also have started praying for her husband she will have....it's never too early, right? I appreciate hearing that the you all have struggled and come back to God and your families. I worry about that. She seems so distant.
Rabecca, As far as the medication, she has taken it since she was 5 but doesnt think she had ADD. She doesn't realy have the hyperactivity with it but defintely can't focus without specific directions. She seems to be inappropriate with peers....she doesn't have friends and she is a beautiful young lady (looks 18 or older) and acts 11. So confusing for her too I guess. Her most recent therapist said if would acknowlege she has ADD then they could start work those issues but she doesn't seem to care she doesn't have friends....as long as there's a boy that will say she is pretty. It's all about her.

Rabecca - posted on 12/30/2009

can i ask you if she is on medication for her ADD Im have 9 year old son with ADHD and let me tell you he was out of control as a very young child and I knew in my heart at 6 months he was different he very very and I mean very smart he could talk in full sentances and be sacastic at 2 people would baby talk him and he was like okay lady stop that you have a mans voice anyway and its kind of freakin me out you just never knew what would come ouyt of his mouth and he had no filter none ! But my biggest concern was always his impluse control and that affected all areas of our lives he was never a child you could trust alone for 1 second he was breaking something hurting someone or lord knows what eating something he even super glued his teeth together once that Gos as many times I called posion control they didnt come lock me up and things you think would kill my baby he never got into things that really caused any harm which is crazy if you knew some of the things he got into and these where locked items kept high out of reach of a toddler .and even eating he couldnt control his impluses he got very heavy in kindergarden and got alot of teasing from otherkids]

i knew I needed medical intervention he already went to counselling and knew the right way to act and the righ tthings to say he just simply couldnt becaus eif his emtions good or bad got the bette rof him those things just went right out the window and trust me he wanted to be good and act like his classmate dhe just couldnt until we found a med that really worked and we didnt settle for okay and we never had any side effects he was not a zombie like you can be lead to believe we tried some good and some bad but we founfd what worked for him and I thank God everyday becaue he kept telling me this is not he righ tone go back to the doctor keep at it and I listend and we are justso proud of what my son has found in himself hes confident well mannered ( well for a 9 year old boy) but you dont just talk to him for 5 seconds and say wow that kids HYPERRR and smart mouthed hes always been a good kid but sensative and hisa emtions he just really he could not repond in the way you would think most kid swould anyway if shes not on something try if you can and we had to go through 5 I think but we did finally find what we were looking for

My next thing I wanted to say was I was dxd with ADD around the time my son was found to have ADHD well looking back I see how eventhough I was shy and quite I had inpluse issues too and what I found was alot of kids with these conditions if thet dont find something to deal with it they self medicate it can be food drugs sex and mine was def men it it seemed right I was all for it I never really though to much about it and really felt like it was no big deal I never had that thing where some girls though if they had sex it was love or anything like I just was like oh well if he likes me hell call if not plenty of men out there sounds terrible but I just didnt care I didnt know Gos had someome just for me who was going to love me as well as he really does but thinking back I just think that was part of my ADD if I got the impluse I would just go for it and didnt htink about the consiqunces at all I mean I was safe and everything but alot of other things can follow along with it even evtually falling for the wrong guy and wasting 7 years of my life trying to figurw out what the heck I was doing with him to start with .

anyway def keep praying pray for protection fo rher and giudence for you it will come he always has perfect timming .I can really tell you I lived a life I was not very proud of from maybe 13 to 25 when I hasd my son but even after that long he really knew where he was leading me I couls never see it at the time but he broke me down and rebuilt me stronger and a very able and strong woman and mother and once in awhilw I really think kI lived that way delt with all of it because I needed to be strongrer because I was going to be the mom of a child who needed to be strong and not give into anything I wont back down from ADHD it will not determine my sons life dont give up or give in she needs you to protect her give her to God also he knows what plans he has for her and as hard as it is to do with your babt trust him to be there when you cant she may go down a path or 100 that you are like no way God step aside and let mom in but trust and have faith he knows the plans he has for her and you may look back one day and say wow I never realizes then I was so scared but look where God has taken us from that point its amazing so keep praying never stop pray pray even when shes walking out the door asy a prayer for her he hears you and he will be there for her and for you

Heather - posted on 12/30/2009

I am so sorry for your struggles with your daughter. You are not the only parent that is concerned about their children. I am a stay-at-home mother of 5, my twin sons are the oldest at 11. I have not yet hit this teenage difficulty, but I monitor my children very closely. The computer is in our living room and we have tight security on what they can do on it. They are not allowed certain things and their friends think they are on such a tight string. But they don't see it that way. I will not let them have a phone in their room or the computer. You are not alone in your struggles, just keep praying for a breakthrough with her. It sounds like she's rebelling, unfortunately I can't give you any "wonderful thought" on how to help you deal with her. I rebelled when I was a teen too, but turned out alright. I just pray that we raise our children good enough so that when they do go through that, they know God well enough to not want to go far from Him! There seem to be many more parents out there that don't seem to care what their kids do, but stick to your guts, she'll come around! Good luck & God bless!