My soon to be 5-year old has low self esteem

Angela - posted on 05/09/2013

Nette, I was sad to hear of your child's issues. Kids, even at quite a young age, are inclined to fall into some kind of hierarchy or "pecking order". All adults, and especially school teachers, have a responsibility to make every kid feel special, I believe. Whilst occasionally some children are happy to blend into the background, many pushy, aggressive kids will elevate their status by putting others down and the kids who are fine with taking a back seat are frequently NOT left in peace by the confrontational little horrors they may meet at kindergarten, nursery school or pre-school.

It's pretty shocking to think they start so young in stamping over others to make their mark in life.

It's been a long, long time since I was so young - and it's even been a fairly long time since my own kids were. So my advice would be to the adults in your son's life - like YOU!

Do everything you can to make him proud of himself. Let your voice be the loudest in opposition when he gets criticism from others. Adopt the "token" system for all his good behaviour, helpfulness and achievements and let him "spend" the tokens on something that he wants. If it helps, why not let him devise his own, private token system on kids at school?

Let him pick two kids - one whom he likes and one whom he feels threatened or uncomfortable by. Everytime he tells of how a classmate that made him unhappy he can give them a "bad point" and he can give plus points to the one who makes him happy! Just doing this privately at home though - the good tokens and the bad tokens don't get exchanged in respect of the kids they represent, it's just a tangible way of validating his feelings.

Once in a while, the bad kid may do something nice for someone, or he may suffer some personal misfortune that your child becomes aware of. This is when you talk to him about forgiveness and understanding. You could say "Let's get rid of half of Joey's naughty tokens, he did try to be nice the other day!" Or "Poor Joey's mother is in hospital, let's cut him a break and take a few of his bad points away ...!"

Emphasise that the token system on other kids is a secret - kids love secrets and he will feel special being privy to your ideas!

Good luck!

Carla - posted on 05/08/2013

I went to your profile, Nette, to see a pix of your child. I don't know which one it is, I'm guessing it's the older one, but both children are adorable, so it certainly isn't because he LOOKS funny.

Sending children off to school/pre-school is traumatic for a child. They have been relatively sheltered, and cared for (normally) by Mom, Dad, grandparents, etc. So they are naturally sensitive to what other strangers, if you will, think of them. I know this is nerve-wracking for you as a parent, but all you can do is encourage him to be friendly with the other kids. My children are all grown, and we are now going through this with our grandchildren. I am dismayed at the amount of bullying going on in kindergarten/first grade. We have encouraged our 1st grader to report this to the teacher or playground worker. He is a gentle, let's-all-get-along kind of kid, and I certainly don't want to change that. We encourage them to be friendly.

When they are little, we, unconsciously, control their friends/people in their lives. They are now out there in the world, and the skills we teach them are going to guide them in their inter-personal relationships. You can even role-play with him, if he's a little shy about approaching someone to be his friend.

I was terribly shy as a child. I was so self-conscious that if someone spoke to me that I'd stammer something unintelligible and walk away. It was literally physically painful. I got out of it by being in plays, where I could pretend to be someone else. When a situation arose where I was uncomfortable, I jumped into one of the roles I'd played. Pretty soon that attitude became normal, and now I can talk to a sign post ;)

WE mold their actions. We want them to show Jesus' love, even at this age. I'm prayin' for ya, honey, that this passes for your little guy, and soon he has LOADS of friends.

God bless.

Nette - posted on 05/07/2013

The posts have been really helpful and somewhat encouraging, as first time mother of a 5 year old I don't know what to expect. My son has been going through similar issues as far as his worry about anyone "not liking" him and saying things like " No one wants to be his freind" . He has an issue with people "staring"at him. I was thinking that this was maybe a self confidence issue , I'm not really sure. it just bother's me to see him struggle with these issues . His teacher has called me on several occasions regarding abnormal behavior. Im not sure if any of this is relating to self confidence, depression or just another stage that preschoolers/ kindergarteners go through.

Cindy - posted on 02/08/2010

Thank you to everyone for all the feedback....I am going to meet with his doctor and preschool teacher. As far as I know, he gets along with all the kids in school, if anyone, his older brother is the one that is the most hardest on him.

Rebekah, I do agree with you about praising him too much and I will try your technique. We do encourage him about God, that God made him, etc...Part of him understands, I think?

I am hoping playing t-ball this season will help with his self esteem - getting him into a group environment may help his situation.

I have some work to do but I am pretty confident he will overcome this. It is very difficult to see him struggle.

Thanks again everyone!!!

Rebekah - posted on 02/07/2010

Hi Cindy, just a few thoughts to add to these other helpful suggestions. Check with his preschool teacher to see if there is any kind of negativity happening there at school among the children. Is it just his perception/fear? Or are there really kids that are being unkind?



I heard in a parenting class that praise is something to be used carefully...if we heap it on too often, we may be teaching our children to rely only on the feedback (and validation) of others rather than their own self-evaluation. It was suggested that we "encourage" rather than praise, and redirect them back to their own evaluation....so if he draws a picture, rather than saying "it looks great," it may be more helpful to say something like, "you spent a lot of time on that. What do you think of your picture?" I'm still working on this one too...its so easy just to praise right and left, but if used too much it could sound empty. Its not that we should never praise, just use selectively.



Helping him see what his strengths and gifts are might also help his self perception, and I love the idea of giving him jobs around the house so he can see how he helps the family and has a sense of purpose.



Another thought is to role model how to cope with making mistakes or getting in trouble. He seems to be very self critical...so maybe it would help to see how you try to frame disappointments by talking out loud what your thought processes would be. So if you are making smores, and you burn the marshmallows, matter of factly say something like, "oh, I just burned the marshmallow. That's too bad, but now I know to check my marshmallow a little sooner. Lets get another and try again." Sounds corny, but its trying to teach him to frame mistakes as learning experiences rather than personal failures. Also reading stories that have themes like that can reach children tremendously.



Its also never to early to teach him that God made him, in His image, just the way he is for a very special purpose. And, he doesn't need to be "perfect" for God to use him in an amazing way...lots of examples in the Bible like that.



One more question...is there anyone in his life who is critical of him, modeling self-criticism or concern with being made fun of, etc? If so, there may be more to work with there.



I also support the suggestion of checking with the dr to see if depression might be underlying. Best of luck to you...I'm sure its hard to see him struggle!



Rebekah

Shelley - posted on 02/07/2010

hi Cindy,
It sounds like he is attention seeking has something changed recently, Does he get along with the kids at pre-school. look at everything he does in a week see if something has changed. Acting out hurting himself Physically is a sign of him hurting emotionally (probably just a missunderstanding) sometimes little boys have trouble talking about whats wrong if you want to talk to him try setting up some painting, playdoh or colouring in so that he feels comfortable to talk. The word self esteem is way over used and usually means selfish its ok and natural to care about how we look and want to protect ourselves from uncomfortable situations

Dahana - posted on 02/07/2010

I have a son who is 9 now he went through it all. We gave him lots of praise, even if it seems small to us,"Wow you are so clever i didnt think of that, or I am proud of you." get him to do puzzles while you sit there and help, get him to help around the house with you. "can you help mom make the bed, or clean windows" even if it means you have to redo it later, with out him seeing you, and say wow you are a great help to me,Kids need to know that they are needed too. Some times we want to do every thing for them coz we love them, so make a big thing of how much he helps you. they get a big kick out of it and it builds their selfestem.

Theresa - posted on 02/06/2010

He could be having problems with depression. i would make an appt with his doc and talk about it there. The doc will know what signs to look for. When my son was young he used say how his life wasn't worth anything, it wasn't worth living. He was only about 5 when he was saying these things. We found out he does have issues with depression. He's on meds now and it has helped a ton.