WHAT DO YOU DO WITH GROWN CHILDREN THAT DON'T WANT TO GROW UP

BONNI - posted on 03/01/2010 ( 33 moms have responded )

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CHILDREN LIVING WITH YOU THAT ARE GROWN AND ARE NOT FOLLOWING HOUSE RULES AND GET AN ATTITUDE WHEN ASKED TO DO THINGS THAT SHOULD AUTOMATTICALY SHOULD BE DONE

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Kristina - posted on 09/10/2013

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I have a son who is 19 now working part time, doesn't want to go to school, which I got over. He is normally a pretty good kid, but since he turned 18, he has more attitude. He may come home from work and I asked how was your day? He ignores me. I ask again, how many hours did you get today since he just started his job 2 months ago. He responded 8-10 very sarcastically. I Austin really hiw many hours, he just kept saying you don't need to know, and if course this went on for a couple minutes. He was very rude came in the house, went upstairs, changed his clothes, and left. He didn't even acknowledge me. It hurts so bad. I also have asked him to do a couple chores which still aren't done. What do I do? What do I say to him about being so disrespectful? Threatening don't work. What consequences should he have? He is so disrespectful and rude.

Carla - posted on 09/11/2013

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Kristina--he obviously doesn't appreciate that he has a roof over his head, food in his stomach, and a mother who cares for him, so--tell him he needs to find another place to live, since he obviously finds this home so beneath him. He will very quickly find out answering a simple question and taking care of a few simple chores is very cheap rent.

We are responsible to God for them until they reach adulthood--after that, He expects men to go out and make their own way. Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is kick them out of the nest. Otherwise he'll still be living with you at 40, with a cat and a birdcage ;)

God bless, hon

Denise - posted on 03/20/2010

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As parents we are older then our kids. Someday we will die. If your child has never been on their own without you what will become of them after your death? If they never had a job they will have no income after you death.
If your child is shy I'd get him into some therapy to socialize enough to get a job, make friends.

Sarah - posted on 03/01/2010

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I think it they are grown, meaning adults, then you treat them as adults. Meaning that if they want to live at your place they must follow your rules for living there. If they don't want to follow those rules then just like every other renter that had a tenet (sp) that is not following rules they must move out. I think as a parent you help them in that process. So have an adult conversation with them. Set a date in which they must be out. Then let them know that if they would like your help in looking for another place you will help them (they will most likely be mad and not want your help, but that is also you requiring them to grow up). Some times kids will be kids unless someone requires them to be an adult. You want them to be and act like an adult, but you are not requiring them to be an adult. Sometimes they must fall before they can fly.

Tracie - posted on 10/30/2012

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Your house, your rules. If they want to live by their own rules, they need to get their own house. Put a date on the calendar and let them know they need to be out by that date. The alternative is to step up and contribute to your household. Once we become adults, there are no more free rides. Good luck!

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Carla - posted on 12/04/2013

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Sounds to me, Susan, like your boyfriend's daughter has it made. And as long as he bows to her wishes, so will continue. He's the one that is going to have to step up and tell her this is HIS house, and SHE is the one who should obey the rules, not vice versa. If he won't, YOU walk away. This is NOT be a happy relationship.

God bless, hon

Susan - posted on 12/04/2013

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well my boyufriends daughter wont let anyone loive at the house her dads house she is 21 and she dont work and he lets her run the house decorate people who he sees and all his choices she has no friends and bided all her time with her dad she makes sure he is home every nitte and cant go anywhere when she is gone?

Jennifer Marie - posted on 10/22/2012

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they are grown with babies one of them have two and they are very disrespectful me and there father is married and they have no respect for nobody.They don't do nothing and the oldest one have the boyfriend living in the same home in four months he has lost five job with two babies an they want help wih the bills are nothing dad have them spoiled. They use up all the bathroom stuff and want buy nothing and eat up all the food and drink everything i told my husband until he get his life together with his grown kids im out now he keep calling me back i cant live with the disrespect im very content alone without the drama

Jeannette - posted on 10/27/2011

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I kicked her out.

Edited to add: she has been out 2 years, but did come back once. She is glad I kicked her out because she was in a "funk" and would have never moved forward if we kept taking care of everything for her. We are very close now. :)

Cyndel - posted on 10/20/2011

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If these children are over the age of 18 tell them to pack up and leave. If they won't grow up on their own don't give them the choice.

Lorraine - posted on 09/29/2011

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they might not want to grow up but they have to and if they are not doing as expected, don't do it for them as once you do it once, they think "leave it long enough mum will do it". When they have no clean clothes they'll realise why - because they haven't done the washing? Fair enough provide meals but they can help prep the food and wash up after. If you feel you can't leave it to them to do, do the basics but don't do it all or they will never learn! I found it out the hard way when I left home that I should of done more at home then would of been more used to it!

Angela - posted on 09/27/2011

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They have to respect your rules and pay their way – or they need to find somewhere else to live. They should be working for a living and paying some rent/lodge money to their parents – ensure this is a realistic sum of money. You mustn’t do any washing or ironing for them. They need to clean and tidy their own areas and any communal areas that they messed up.

Are you buying their toiletries? Or do they use the shampoo, soap, shower gel, toothpaste etc that YOU buy? If you want them to pay for their own toiletries, move the ones that you pay for from shared bathrooms. Keep your own shampoo etc … in your bedroom.

Are they using your car? Remove their name from the motor insurance policy!

Food is a more difficult issue. If they’re paying towards the food bill they can either cook for themselves or you can provide a meal that you have cooked. The problem with them cooking for themselves is that they’ll possibly deplete food stores that you’d earmarked for a particular purpose. It might be more practical for you to cook for them. However, the other option is for them to buy and cook their own meals – but they must clear up after themselves.

I personally wouldn’t insist on Church attendance. I think the Lord would rather see His children worshipping Him from their own free will and desire. Demanding your adult child attends Church will mean in some cases he/she will simply go to Church to keep you quiet and keep the peace. I think it’s rather demeaning for a person to go into a Church for a Sunday service and just go through the motions without any interest or devotion in order to keep their “landlord/landlady” happy and keep a roof over their own heads. It’s disrespectful to God, to the genuine worshippers and also to the person who is only doing it to satisfy a parent insisting on it. It’s also hypocrisy.

Any unemployed son or daughter MUST help more around the home. The fact is, if they’re not going out to work, they’re spending more time in the house, so using more utilities in the home (electricity, gas, water, telephone etc …), However they are not in the position to pay extra rent – so they need to meet the shortfall by helping around the house. Also they need to make a real effort to find employment. Even a voluntary job will give them a current work reference to help in their search for paid work.

A working son/daughter who takes a packed lunch to work should be paying a little extra towards the food bill to reflect this. It’s still a whole lot cheaper than buying a meal whilst at work.

Any curfews placed on the hours they keep should be made with the convenience of the rest of the household. Don’t say they have to be in at such and such a time because you want to restrict their social lives, but rather because you don’t want the rest of the household to be disturbed when they come home late. They’re not children, but they must respect the other people that they share their home with.

Family pets? If the dog (or whatever) is a family pet, then they should take some responsibility for exercising that animal. If the dog is their OWN – then they should be paying for its food, veterinary bills AND exercising it.

Calculate exactly how much it costs for them to live at your house. This means a proportionate share of EVERYTHING you pay out for that they have use of. Include rent/mortgage, cable TV fees, all utilities, food, cleaning materials – every single household expense that pays for anything they have use of. I bet the figure you get is far less than what you actually charge them! Show them your list and your calculations. And if you’re still not getting through to them, show them the door!

Dolly - posted on 09/25/2011

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Hi

I would not allow my grown children to ever live with me.

Maybe my son he is very respectable and holds his own.

However that day hasn't come yet.

My oldest daughter never ever she is rude,disrespectful wants to run the show.

Let them find there way in life.

Carla - posted on 04/14/2010

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June Coons--it sounds like your son is having emotional problems. You didn't say when your husband passed on--is your son having problems dealing with his leaving him? If he has no friends, he is keeping to himself too much, or shutting himself up deliberately so he doesn't get hurt if someone leaves him or walks out of their friendship.

Talk to him, hon, and find out why he isn't out in the world.

Emily - posted on 03/25/2010

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Great book that deals with this and other relational isues Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Lisa - posted on 03/25/2010

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Don't LIVE with your kids til you die PLEASE! My Uncle lived with my Nana until just recently hes now 56! He has finally got a life and a girlfriend BUT Nana is having alot of trouble adjusting as she substituted Grandad for my Uncle (my Grandad died 23 years ago) and now is acting like a jilted lover. ITS SICK please LET YOUR ADULT CHILDREN GROW UP KICK THEM OUT!

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You tell them how much you love them and let them know that even though they are grown they still have to respect you and your home. If they are not willing to do that, then it is time that they branch out and establish a home of their own. Then they can do whatever they do or do not wish.

JUNE - posted on 03/21/2010

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HI,THATS A QUESTION I ASK MY SELF DAILY,I HAVE A SON WHO WON TGROW AND HE ACTS LIKE HE IS 13 SOME TIMES IT IT REALLY FRUESTRATES ME.WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A TIGHT KNITT FAMILY AND WHEN MY HUSBAND DIED IT HAS BEEN SO HARD FOR MY SONS TO MOVE ON.SOME DAYS I SAY GO FIND A PURPOSE FOR YOUR LIFE,IAM SIXTY THREE HAVE A JOB AND TRY AND HELP OTHERS,HE SAYS HE HAS NO LIFE.I JUST KEEP PRAYING AND PRAYING.

Lisa - posted on 03/20/2010

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well, I remember that when I became an adult and I still lived at home, I was working two jobs, paying half the rent ($250), bought and paid for all my own things including a car, and insurance and food. My mother gave me rules to obey which did not seem appropriate for an adult, more like for a teenager. I kept my area clean, and I was rarely home, but when I was home she'd get on my case about staying out late, etc. I moved out and things got all better.
The reason? because as an adult your children want to be treated as adults, but because you are their parent you will treat them like your child, making rules that you wouldn't make for an actual renter.
So, if your child isn't obeying your rules, you have two choices, you can sit down with your child and go over the rules and see which ones don't seem fair and work on having healthy boundaries and make your child pay rent for staying there, or you can kick them out. Personally, I think you should kick them out. your relationship will get a lot better if you no longer have to worry about when they are coming home, who they are dating, and whether or not they cleaned their room or did the dishes.

Ala Ala - posted on 03/18/2010

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unless they are forced into growing up they will not grow up. my husband's older brother was the same, living with parents living off them should i say. but when my inlaws moved to auntralia wihtout him he was forced to grow up in less than a month. by God's grace he did survive and is keeping a job now after 3 years. living by himself and pays his own bills. still alot of growing up to do, but he is getting there.
just be tough... as they all say tough love

Carla - posted on 03/15/2010

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Amen, Laura! We are not here to win popularity contests, we are not here to be the coolest mom, we are here to help turn the too-often-selfish little brats into Christian adults. They are NOT showing the respect to you and your spouse, they are not learning to become responsible adults, they are free-loading, and that will go on as long as you 'are afraid' they won't like you. Being a parent is rough--but I do NOT want to stand before the Lord and try to make up excuses why I didn't make them toe the mark.

Laura - posted on 03/12/2010

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I had a situation and I did have to give the choice of following the house rules or there is the door. It was a very hard thing to do as a parent. It was my daughter. The rule was that as long as you live under my roof, you are expected to go to church on Sunday. She said that she didn't think she should. I told her that she will make the choice, stay in this house and go to church or there is the door. I told her that it was my job as a parent and a mother to help her understand rules, especially God's rules (10 Commandments). Well, she chose the door. And I found out that she still went to church. She came back home about a month later. She really didn't miss going to church. She was testing me. She even told me that she was grateful that I did what I did. It showed that I truly cared about her. I told her I was not helping her by allowing her to go to Hell by not following our beliefs. It worked out very well. She did move out again later on. She is married now. It is very hard to be a parent, yet if you pray about your decisions and follow through, it really can help your relationship with your children in the long run. Good luck.

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I can totally relate and when you find an answer that works please let me know. Discipline is limited. I feel bad kicking them out. Like I am being a bad person or parent. I pray about it, practice patience, avoidance, hopefulness...but not much works. The answer sounds easy but it isnt easy to enforce.

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I've been told... that you should set a date for them do get a job, start paying rent or whatever it is you want them to do. If they don't comply by the given date you really need to kick them out. Good luck! I never faced the situation. My son moved out at 21yo.

Ruta Jane - posted on 03/08/2010

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From the standpoint of an adult who recently transitioned from child to adult, kids (no matter what age) need standards to follow. If your kids are living with you still, and not holding any responsibility for anything, charge them rent, and if they won't pay kick them out (threaten to, I don't think that i would ever actually be able to kick my kid out). If your lax, they're gonna press their luck, it's what kids are best at! Testing their boundaries. For me, the thing that made me grow up, is God throwing me into a hard situation, which ended up being the best thing in my life, but really tested my limits. You know your kid best, what is best for them? And you?

Carla - posted on 03/03/2010

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Any child/adult 18 or older needs to be working, in school or both! Our 3 children moved in and out for years before they finally settled down, but the rules were the same, other than there was no curfew. I didn't do their laundry, didn't give them money (unless it was a short-term loan til payday), didn't pay for their cars, insurance, clothes, etc. AND they always worked, even before they graduated. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is show them the door!

Lynn - posted on 03/03/2010

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I believe in tough love when it comes to a situation like that. If they are adults then they need to act like an adult. I find that kids these days want all the rights that adulthood brings but none of the responsibility!

Lisa - posted on 03/01/2010

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well how old is your (adult child ) i have one that is 28, and he hasnt even had a job in years , ,yes you heard me right years , and he doesnt even care , i know he is extremely shy , but my gosh !!oh he does alot of cooking and cleaning around the house , but he really needs to get a JOB AND A LIFE FOR HIMSELF !!! HELP!!

Alison - posted on 03/01/2010

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Are there consequences related to the house rules? How old are your grown children? .

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