What is the best way to get a teenager to come home at curfue?

Rachelle - posted on 06/12/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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my cousin has two teenage kids living at home. One listens and fallows directions while the other breaks all the rules and don't care to talk to her mom. If you would have explained one situation to her mother she wouldn't have been in trouble. But she would talk to her mom and did something she didn't want to do. How do you get a teenager to confide in you and get them to fallow the rules?

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Sara - posted on 06/12/2009

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I watched a video on this one day. It was by a commedian but he was also an educator of some sort. His main point was that some kids feel like they are being treated as children when they need to be growing up and are just plain defient. His suggestion was to let the child make the rules but they have to be reasonable and not affect anyone other than himself. His example was curfue. He told his son that he was allowed to make his own curfue but it could not affect him or his wife or anyone else that he knows. His son said 3 am. So his father asked how will that affect us. I still have to get you up in the morning and when you are out until 3 am you will not get up for me. When you get to school you will be sleeping in class and that affects your teachers. On the weekends you will want to sleep all day and that affects your chores and activities for the weekend. What time will you get home and it will not affect anyone else. The kid said 12am and they agreed on it. Then he set the alarm by his bed for 12am and the child was the one to come into his room and turn off the alarm. If the alarm went off his dad said he was going to call every parent that he knew to find out where his son was. If he did not get any answers from them he would call the police and would assume that he was laying in a ditch somewhere dead. Otherwise he would be home or would have called.



I know my child is not a teenager yet so I can not tell you if this works but it sounds like a great idea.

Sara - posted on 06/19/2009

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You also have to remember that every child has their own personality and you have to decide what is the way to deal with that. I was the one who did not want my mom to tell me what to do so I would do things against her just to let her know that. I did not care if my mom said remember be home or you will loose your car privilages for a week. I had 5 other friends with cars so that did not seem like much of a concequence at the moment. I really hope that my children are not like me when they are teenagers, I argued with everything that my mom had to say. They hopefully take after my husband who's mom says he was a angel as a teenager. Always home when told, and followed the rules. (his sister will vouch for this one since she was always the one getting in trouble). He did not have one alcoholic drink until he was 21. Me on the otherhand was drinking at 17.

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Megan - posted on 07/09/2009

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I will just tell you what worked for ME as a teenager. I had a 9pm curfew on weeknights (unless there was something going late for school or sports) and a 11pm curfew on weekends. If I was late (and didn't call to let them know I would be a few minutes late -and with a valid reason for being late: ie traffic, having to get gas, etc.) more than 15 minutes I would lose any privledges for the next week. Driving, telephone, tv, friends coming over, or going out. If I broke serious rules or had a "rebellious moment" my mom gave me a "working restriciton" so besides losing priveleges, I would have to do extra chores around the house: cleaning out cupboards, raking leaves, cleaning all the outside windows, weeding the yard, dusting the whole house, etc. Definitely good incentive to follow all the rules and not break curfew.

But I will say that a had plenty of defiant moments and a bit of a rough relationship with my mom for a few of my teenage years, but now my mom and I have an absolutely amazing relationship. Not only is she my mom, but now she is one of my best friends!

Alison - posted on 06/29/2009

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That sounds so awesome Sara!!!

IMHO (my little ones are still little), it has everything to do with consequences.

Katy - posted on 06/18/2009

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Okay my kids aren't teens yet but here is what I hear. Take away privledges. If the kids feels the sting of a freedom taken away, they'll perk up. For example, if a teen has a car that mom bought, that is a privledge, not a right, to drive that car. If the teen doesn't come home for curfew, mom takes the keys away for a week (or whatever). Sit down with the teen and write out the rules like a contract and both mom and teen sign it. So when the teen breaks a rule, mom can point to the signed contract nicely hanging on the fridge and show them their agreed upon discipline. Also, a pre-activity warning helps. For example, teen is going out and mom says, "remember to be home by 11 or you'll lose your car privledges for a week." Check out www.growingkids.org and click on "teens" under journal categories on the right. They teach about how you go from training your kids under your authority when they are young, to training them with your influence when they are teens. Good stuff!

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