Why do Christian mums let their babies cry?

Valerie - posted on 03/28/2011

Let's take a moment and reflect on our own attitudes towards each other. I've seen a lot of attitude that to either let your child cry or not is the only best way to do it. Please. Every parent and every child is different. I personally did let both my girls cry in their beds at the end of the night. Every 5 minutes I would check their diapers and check on them, rub their backs, sing to them and so on. They both sleep wonderfully and have no problems falling asleep by themselves. But, this doesn't mean this is the best for everyone. It may teach them self soothing, but if it's tearing you up inside and creating undo stress on you then it won't be beneficial for your child. Having and upset and stressed out mommy benefits no one.

Too often we as mothers want to believe we've done the best for our kids....but take it to the next level and then decide that it must be the best for everyones kids. This is never the case. We all love our kids, and I really do not appreciate any implication that because I let my kids cry at night for short periods means they will grow up not trusting me, unloved and alone. That's ridiculous. They know I am there for them at every turn, and are happy well adjusted children.

Finally, who here hasn't enjoyed a good cry? If I'm stressed, tired, sad, etc I need a good cry. Just sit down and let it all out. Crying actually has been shown to release and rid your body of stress hormones and harmful toxins. This doesn't mean you drive your kids to crying....but we all need a good cry to stay healthy. So to hover around your kid and never let them cry doesn't help either.

Basically, we all know and love our kids, we all offer them to God every day, we are all human. As long as we admit our mistakes, show our kids love every chance we can get and support each other through difficult situations, we can do nothing better.

Shona - posted on 03/28/2011

I think personally that its up to the individual parenting style and the child- i dont think it has anything to do with your religion i mean im christian and i have one child or the other with me all the time and dont let or like hearing them cry i feel the need to comfort them and thats just my parenting style just like letting children children cry to learn to self settle is another parenting style neither is wrong just different

Sarah - posted on 03/25/2011

I agree Tricia! Babies should learn self-soothing at some point because it's healthy for their developement (emotionally-mentally)....why this person posted this rediculous question aiming at Christian mothers is beyond me....very offensive.

Tricia - posted on 03/25/2011

Allowing a baby to cry when not to be fed, changed, etc. Allows the infant to learn to self sooth.

Sarah - posted on 03/24/2011

Wow, very judgmental! Not ALL Christian mothers do this. I am a Christian and I never let my kids cry when they were babies. BUT, there were times that they cried regardless if I was holding them or not...they were fed, changed, loved....I'm just bothered that you think that all "Christian" mothers do this. That's very sad.

Bonnie - posted on 03/20/2011

I never really did the controlled crying method, i couldn't handle listening to my precious ones cry for long periods of time. But i'm not afraid of letting them cry for short bursts. when my first was 6 months old we were still rocking/patting to sleep, i began by putting her in her cot wide awake with toys and found that after a time she had just fallen to sleep, i then removed those toys that i didn't want her to keep there. Our second was a much more settled baby in general, but i was less nervous, my hubby and i coslept with her on and off till she was 4 months old (she had her basinet in our room and if she needed a feed she'd feed in bed with us and then fall asleep there.), and when she was 4 moths we moved her to her own room without issues, she was ready for her own cot/space, and we put her down in her cot on her own from day dot and she could fall off to sleep with out tears, its only now at almost 1 that she crys when she;s put down but that is because she has recently weaned and it more connected to that then struggling to go to sleep.
its ok not to let them cry, but crying for short bursts wont hurt them.
I couldn't do it, but i cant handle my dog crying at the door when she's shut out either.
dont feel bad about it... your child may need to be supported that way where other parents/children only get by through controlled crying...

Heather - posted on 03/17/2011

I let my son 'self soothe' when he turned 7 months, if he didnt need anything and was fine then he cried. I established a routien. I wasnt lazy, he probably feels the MOST secure with me, and he is a healthy normal kid that has a bed time and sticks to it. I'm sure that when Anita posted this topic she didn't expect the rudeness and snide comments out of a 'non judgemental' christian group. If you let your kids cry, you let your kid cry; if you cuddle, you cuddle. As long as you are raising your children under God's authority then you're fine.

Shona - posted on 03/15/2011

i am christian and i never let him cry unless he is naughty and have been that way since he was born he always had constant attachment with either myself, my husband or another close family member ie grandparets, great grandparents and his uncles unless he was at childcare where he started at 3 months to interact with other children- he is now 14 months old and is beautiful with no attachment problems, talks to everyone, has no problem with us leaving him because he knows we will be back and he has been going without any tears, with simply lights out and a goodnight kiss by the time he was 5 months, started sending himself to bed by 10 months and settling himself when he wakes by 7 months- to top that off he i now 14 months and has a now 4 week old sister who he is great with. So it not letting my son cry clearly didnt do him any harm

Corena - posted on 12/16/2009

There is an offshoot of Growing Kid's God's Way called Babywise that is in favour of extreme scheduling and not "spoiling" children by giving into their crying. (Although it is not presented in quite as harsh words.) It seems to be a very popular method in some Christian circles.
I personally think it is not only mean and quite possibly causing lasting emotional trauma for alot of children, in my experience it only really works on kids whose personality is so laid back and compliant that really any method would work with them.
God made babies to cry so they could let us know when they need something, even if it is just snuggles and attention, I find it cold and uncaring to ignore them.

(I am not talking about tantrums and obvious ploys for attention...I am talking about crying because of distress...we all know the difference.)

LeeAnn - posted on 12/14/2009

I can honestly say I have been on 'both sides of the fence' on this one! I have been at my wit's end, and tried the "cry it out" method. It didn't work for me, but that is not to say that I don't know the difference in a need based cry, and a cry because they are frustrated, or over tired. I have 2 children, and have, at times, had no other option than to let one of them cry it out...(not always the same one either). I love both of my girls very much, and I take every opportunity possible to show them this. Just because Mommy has her hands full, and they had to cry doesn't mean I am deliberatly neglecting their needs, I just couldn't be everywhere at once! Children have to learn self soothing techniques, but also need to know that mommy and daddy will be there as soon as they can if they need them.

Sheri - posted on 12/10/2009

I think it completely depends on the baby. I have three boys. The first two I never let cry it out and just got up with them until they could do it on their own. But my third baby is very different from my first two. When he's really tired, he usually doesn't want to be rocked and cuddled. He arches his back and cries. No matter what you do he cries so finally I realized there's really nothing to do BUT lay him down in his crib. He cries for a bit and then I go back in and either re-give his binky or pick him up and after a good cry, he's ready to give up the fight and relax in my arms. Sometimes not though. It's like he just cries as part of the process of getting himself to sleep. So he's cried up to half hour before at night before he finally goes to sleep. I've tried everything to "prevent" him from having to cry - bath, feeding him more cereal before bed, the cuddling, etc... Here's the funny thing: even though he's having to "cry it out" sometimes, during the day he's my most social, smiley baby of all three. Everywhere I go, he's flirting with strangers and everyone comments on what a friendly smiley baby he is. I think that's a part of why sleep makes him so mad: he is so social and doesn't want to miss out on the fun.
So I think there is a time and a place for letting them cry. But you better know your baby so you aren't leaving a crying baby who is not feeling well, or has some other important message they're trying to give you. If a parent is letting their baby cry it out because of their own laziness or because they just assume the baby is "whining", I think that's not right. As Christians, we always need to be seeking wisdom and discernment and the same is true in this situation. I believe Jesus approached everything this way: when talking to judgemental Pharisees, he was harsh. When talking to people who society was hard on, he was merciful. Each person is unique and he dealt with them as such.
One more thing: I think as moms whose instinct it is to nurture and protect, we often project our feelings onto others, assuming they are going to have their feelings hurt or feel unloved when we let them cry or hurt or feel any kind of pain. I think as women, we need to be careful with this. One could argue that the parent who is more loving is the one who allows their child to "cry it out" for two nights because that child then gets wonderful restful long stretches of sleep for the next 8 months and the one who won't let baby cry has a baby who is constantly awake at night and unable to get a good night's rest. I'm just being the devil's advocate here.
Bottom line: know your child and seek wisdom and discernment in your own unique situation.

Gloria - posted on 12/10/2009

Hi Anita! I didn't let my babies cry themselves to sleep because I wanted them to know that I was there for them. If they could not find security and comfort in the arms of their mother, in whose arms would they seek to obtain that which they did not receive from me?

My mom didn't hold me while feeding me nor did she hold me for any reason. How do I know? She was free to tell me this was her philosophy in child rearing. Growing up I felt unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. I did not want my daughters to grow-up thinking those very lonely thoughts, so I did not follow my mother's child-rearing philosophy.

This did not come without a price, I must say, because my second daughter was premature and needed an abundance of mothering. She went everywhere and did everything with me. To this day, she and I have a very loving and open relationship.

Your child will eventually stop crying for you but they must learn first that you can be trusted to come when they need you.

God bless you and your family and may He keep you close at all times.

Jennifer - posted on 12/09/2009

Whats funny is at night if we cuddle our son he cries more if we just put him down in his crib he goes right to sleep. There are times when yes, I did let him cry a bit but he was fed, clean diaper and made sure he wasnt hurting somehow. I woudl go in lay my hand on his tummy and tell him its okay, he would calm down and go to sleep. Everyone is just different with that...christian or not.

Rebekah - posted on 12/09/2009

I do just want to add that I don't believe all parents who let their children cry do so for the reasons that I was taught. I am thankful that as parents, we are free to let God lead us for what is best for our children, and our homes! I'm sorry if I came across negative to others.

Rebekah - posted on 12/09/2009

I really appreciate you posting this. I remember with my oldest being told that very thing about letting them cry. What I was told really doesn't make sense, and I believe is wrapped up a bit in legalism, sorry, don't mean to offend anyone. The basic idea behind this thinking was that even at that very young age they would learn manipulation if you pick them up every time they cry. There's more to it, some even said that they were lying by making you think they need you when really they just want to get their way. Thankfully, I decided quickly not to agree with this thinking!! I believe my kids would be thankful to if they had any idea. I remember thinking who cares if they don't really need anything, and just want to be held! Sometimes I feel the same way! I loved being able to hold them as much as possible, I also loved letting them fall asleep in my arms whenever I could. That time passes so quickly why not take advantage of every hug and cuddle you can get in!! Mine are getting so big, but they are still wonderful, cuddly children. Oh, and they are all able to fall asleep on their own now even though I "spoiled' them when they were babies!

Victoria - posted on 12/09/2009

I let my kids cry when they were babies. I would check them & make sure nothing was wrong, they we're fed & changed & clean & cuddled, sang to & prayed with & then laid in their crib to go to sleep & sometimes they would go right to sleep & sometime they would cry & fuss a bit. If they cried too long I would check them over again, I wasn't LAZY as someone suggested. My kids are older now & they haven't suffered because I let them cry a little, they know I'm here for them no matter what, they know they are loved, but they also know when it's bed time, it's bed time.

Carolyn - posted on 11/29/2009

Quoting Sarah:

Letting them cry is not ignoring their needs. You don't just lay them down and let them cry. There are ways you comfort them, but also allow them to learn. I rocked my son to sleep every night until he was about 18 mos old. Eventually the only way he knew how to put himself to sleep was for me rocking him (in some ways not a bad thing). But as he got older and bigger it became harder to lay him down without waking him up. When he would wake up I would have to start all over because the rocking was the only way he knew how to get back to sleep. I learned that by rocking him to sleep and not letting him learn how to do that on his own was actually hurting him. So with my daughter I would rock for awhile and then lay her down as she got drowsy. Sometimes I would lay her down and she would cry. I found other ways to meet her needs but allowing her to figure out how to put herself to sleep. I think parenting is teaching your children how to do things. You do it in a loving way (as Jesus would), but you also allow them to work through it and figure it out. Jesus is there with us helping us through things, but he does not do things for us. He teaches us. He allows us to go through things that are hard so we can grow. As my kids have gotten older I have learned that there are going to be many times that they are upset and cry somtimes they need to be comforted and sometimes they just need to have a good cry and I need to allow them that and be there for them when they are done. I find that when they are little you learn what their cries mean. There was a I'm hungry cry, a I need you cry, a I'm tired cry, I'm hurt cry, and a I just need to cry cry. As I got to know my child I learned what their cries meant and then was able to attend to them accordingly.

Donita - posted on 11/28/2009

I understand not wanting them to cry and taking care of their needs,but there comes a point when the selfish ways we are born with have to start being directed.Of course,this isn't when they are tiny,but slowly as they grow they have to know not all things are "needs" some are "wants" and parents have to separate them.We have to show them not every call is answered with the same run to the child.

Amber - posted on 11/18/2009

I couldn't let my babies cry themselves to sleep either. They didn't actually learn to put themselves to sleep in their own room until they were close to three. But I wouldn't give up my time with them as babies for the world and I see no negative side effects. My husband didn't start cheating on me, my children are not clingy or antisocial, and I survived just fine. The bible doesn't teach about this because historically it wasn't an issue. Homes were smaller, babies weren't forced to sleep all by themselves. I think it is a myth perpetuated by a modern self centeredness that is not family centered. But in the defence of parents who think it is best for there kids. Pop psychology does pushes this theory down our thoarts untill we are gagged by it. If you don't buy into you better not tell anyone. This is one of many reasons I stopped reading parenting mags. I question my instincts enough without the opinions of every dr. tom dick or harry. Love your children more than yourself is really the only rule. Love covers over a multitude of sins. So I guess it doesn't matter who of us is right or wrong.

Nadine - posted on 11/08/2009

I am a christian mom and I only let my 18 months old cry when I know he is being naughty (throwing a tantrum). I always check whether he is hungry/thirsty, has a dirty nappy, or isn't feeling well before I make the choice to let him cry. You may know a few Christian moms who just let their babies cry, but that does not mean that all of us do...

Chelsea - posted on 11/07/2009

I agree with Sarah.....I do need to let my children cry but as the childs parent you need to know the difference between the cries. Because I put my children too bed awak and let them fuss and cry a little bit today at 4 and 5 they can be put to bed awake and in about 5 minutes they are fast asleep. Now my 15 mos old I put her in bed and she will fuss. I let her fuss and cry for a few minutes and then I go see her. I remind her that I am always her for her but she can not get out of bed. I lay her back down and rub her back and she will fall back to sleep knowing I am there for her. This sometimes can be VERY exhausting but it is a short period of exhaustion that has excellent rewards. Good Luck.

Anita - posted on 11/06/2009

Thanks for your honest replies. I did not mean to sound like I was judging anyone. We all know our own children best and what is best for them. I am not an advocate for spoiling my child either. I should clarify that I meant crying as a means of getting to sleep. Discipline is a whole different story and if a child cries because they have done something naughty, you are right, they need to be taught right from wrong in a loving but firm way. Each parent has their own means of discipline and I don't want to get into that. I was just curious about controlled crying or cry it out as methods of getting to sleep. I personally use Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution and it works well for us. She believes that babies don't know how to fall asleep on their own and need to be taught. So I agree with you, Sarah, at a certain point they do need to learn how to put themselves back to sleep, but I just want to try solutions that help without the need for crying. I do not pretend to know all the answers I just wanted to understand other people's point of view so thank you for your replies.

Tsema - posted on 11/06/2009

sorry i am not an advocate 4 spoiling but i think it is unfair to watch ur baby cry and leave him/her alone, rmb the bible says we were babes in Christ and we needed milk and a time comes when we r grown in the Lord and we hv no need of milk but strong bone. If God deems it fit to separate our childhood from adulthood, why doon't we do same 4 our children a baby cries and u leave he/him to cry 4 so long, i think it is unfair. when my son misbehaves and i caution him and he starts to cry, i allow him cry cos i know he is being naughty and there is a lesson 4 him to learn. i pray God gives us wisdom on being parents in Jesus name

Christa - posted on 11/06/2009

I do believe in letting the baby cry, but it's not laziness or neglect. It's done when all the child’s needs are met. It's about teaching them to comfort themselves and setting boundaries. I'm not sure how the bible would be an argument against this. All through out the bible we are taught to discipline our children and teach them how to be. God doesn't coddle us every time something happens, he allows us to work through it while always letting us know he is there and he loves us. It is no different with this method of parenting. I know it's not for everyone, but my daughter has slept through the night since 11 wks and is one of the most well behaved and happy children I know. So as a Christian I would reserve judgment on others parenting.

Sarah - posted on 11/06/2009

Letting them cry is not ignoring their needs. You don't just lay them down and let them cry. There are ways you comfort them, but also allow them to learn. I rocked my son to sleep every night until he was about 18 mos old. Eventually the only way he knew how to put himself to sleep was for me rocking him (in some ways not a bad thing). But as he got older and bigger it became harder to lay him down without waking him up. When he would wake up I would have to start all over because the rocking was the only way he knew how to get back to sleep. I learned that by rocking him to sleep and not letting him learn how to do that on his own was actually hurting him. So with my daughter I would rock for awhile and then lay her down as she got drowsy. Sometimes I would lay her down and she would cry. I found other ways to meet her needs but allowing her to figure out how to put herself to sleep. I think parenting is teaching your children how to do things. You do it in a loving way (as Jesus would), but you also allow them to work through it and figure it out. Jesus is there with us helping us through things, but he does not do things for us. He teaches us. He allows us to go through things that are hard so we can grow. As my kids have gotten older I have learned that there are going to be many times that they are upset and cry somtimes they need to be comforted and sometimes they just need to have a good cry and I need to allow them that and be there for them when they are done. I find that when they are little you learn what their cries mean. There was a I'm hungry cry, a I need you cry, a I'm tired cry, I'm hurt cry, and a I just need to cry cry. As I got to know my child I learned what their cries meant and then was able to attend to them accordingly.

Anita - posted on 11/06/2009

Thanks for your response. I guess I just feel like the minority among my friends as I cuddle my baby to sleep and am not worried about her being independent now. She's a baby and she has plenty of time to grow up. I guess I think that you only have this time once and I want to treasure it. Studies have shown that if you meet your baby's needs then they grow up to become confident, secure, loving adults. But I think some of my friends think I am weak and should be controlling my baby and not the other way around. I can see the argument that they will sleep better if they are left to self settle but my baby only wakes up once or twice and settles really quickly when I'm there.

Tsema - posted on 11/06/2009

i agree with u, i don't know abt the scientific back up but i hate to see it happen also, and i think moms who do that are just lazy. it hurts me to see them cry and their moms say they are training them to be independent. YEAH RIGHT!!!