in need of answers

Rebecca - posted on 07/31/2009 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I am not a divorced Mum. Infact I am still with my husband, although not happily. I have come on this community not to judge or be judged.



My husband & I have had a number of issues throughout our marriage. Not least of which is his ex wife & the daughter they share. There have been barriers around his daughter since early on in our relationship. We have been together for 7 years, married for nearly 4. I was raised a christian & although not practicing I am very much a believer. My husband is opposed to any form of religion. Infact he jokes about the fact that he will be going to hell, not funny in my view.



Anyway nearly 2 years ago I got pregnant with child #2. Hubby has been extremely unsuportive to the point that his behaviour meets a lot of the criteria of being emotionally abusive. He is discouraging, name calls, sarcastic, puts me down, refuses to admit to things he has said or done, refuses to apologise, infact refuses to see that anything nasty he says is his fault, turning everything around & saying it is my problem if I take offense cos my perception is obviously wrong. This has been going on for nearly 2 years. I have tried everything. Telling him, writing to him, emailing him at work, even marriage counselling (which only finished a week ago). I am at my wits end. I have friends praying, family praying. Nothing has worked. I am exhausted & emotionally I no longer trust him, he has broken my heart then stomped it into the dirt. I know that some of the marriage problems are on my shoulders as I have not stood up for myself, defended myself. I tend to just shut up & try to bury the hurt inside. My children are suffering cos I am just miserable. I can't stand my marriage & feel disgust if my husband dares to touch me.



As he so eloquently put it after a few rums recently, there are only a few things he wants in life, to play footy, rally his car & fuck his wife.



My biggest fear is that if I leave this marriage & divorce him then does that mean I automatically go to hell since I know that God hates divorce & I would be doing this knowing how bad a sin it is? Is there any redemption? Basically this is the only reason I remain here, my questions. I feel beaten. I made a vow before God & I intended to honour that, divorce was not an option when I married. I just don't know how much more I can bear.

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Julie - posted on 08/07/2010

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you won't automatically go to hell. Anyone whose heart truly belongs to Jesus will go to heaven. The question is can your heart truly belong to Him if you deliberately divorce someone.

God does allow divorce in certain circumstances. Adultery and abandonment.

But beyond that, God doesn't forbid separation. Just it has the proviso to remain single or be reunited with your spouse.

Can you live with remaining single for the rest of your life? if so, then leaving may be valid.

Divorce is not the ultimate sin. In many ways, for a believer to deliberately marry a non believe is "worse" (although technically no sin is worse than any other in God's eyes - except the rejection of God)

Were you a christian when you married and did you know he wasn't?

Why did he break up with his first wife? many people forget the passage about if you marry a divorcee who didn't have a valid grounds for a divorce, not only does the divorce become an adulterer, but their new spouse becomes one too.

I don't mean to offend or imply you are an adulterer, but there is the possibility you may unknowingly be one.

not that it matters - as I said, no sin is worse than any other in God's eyes. He hates all sin. He can forgive ANYTHING.

The only reason divorce is often made a big deal of is because it doesn't just hurt the sinner, it hurts the spouse, the children, their children and generations to come. It causes problems for those around the family too.

Can I say something? I was like you and never stood up for myself or defend myself. My husband kept getting worse and worse and worse, abusive, then violent and by the time it got so bad that it was my very life at stake (and my daughter's too), so I had to defend myself, it was too late! He was so badly messed up that he was beyond all help.

While I am free because he also started cheating and ran off with one of his mistresses, I will always live with the regret of failing him by not standing up to his bad behaviour before things got out of control.

to be honest, from other's experience, sometimes taking the kids and leaving is precisely what men like your husband need to snap them out of their behaviour. if you act like a doormat, he will have no respect for you - if you stand up for what is right, and that includes not putting up with disrespect, it may snap him into showing respect - knowing if he doesn't change, he may lose you forever.

God can forgive anything, even divorce, but there is always consequences even after forgiveness. forgiveness and redemption doesn't mean there won't be a tough price to pay.

please don't seek a divorce - deep down i think it's obvious you are not comfortable with it. but think about a temporary situation, and definitely learn to stand up for yourself. guys who mistreat women don't see giving in to them as a good thing - they see it as there behaviour being ok.

we are called to submit to husbands - NOT to be their doormat or punching bag. submission does not mean remaining silent about inappropriate behaviour. it means being respectful and confronting them in love.

I hope I haven't offended. good luck

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