How do you deal with???

Sonya - posted on 08/24/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married not quite a year. We never got a "honey moon" period, because as soon as we told my stepson's biomom, she started some shenanigans. While part of me feels very cheated, another part of me knew that this would happen.

Needless to say that things have been very tough for us because of stunts and pranks pulled by the biomom. Now, even when she seems cooperative, I'm terrified that she's actually secretly gearing up to pull her next set of stunts. I recognize this fear and worry as sin and confess it. I ask God to help me with it, as well.

Do any of you find yourselves constantly wondering what the biomom is going to do next? Do you worry about reminding your husband of his XW? Do you worry what the biomom is going to say when you have to discipline the child(ren) instead of his/her/their father? How do you deal with that fear? The insecurities?

Thanks!

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4 Comments

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Lori - posted on 03/23/2010

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I know exactly and precisely how you feel!!! Been there~Done that! Nearly destroyed my marriage. My daughter's biomom had the ordacity to cause conflict on our 1 year anniversary. It didn't stop for more than a year and a half after I married my husband. My best advice is STAND FIRM!!!! The ONLY reason they do it is because they were unsuccessful at running you off BEFORE you said I do. I'm glad that I'm finding this in the Christain group. Say your prayers and count your blessings. Memorize the court order to every fine detail and do NOT make any arrangements with biomom outside of that court order. A good reminder for myself right now as well at this point is remember that you've made a lifelong commitment and it will pass. I understand more than most what it's like to fight the other side. Unfortuanately, for a long time without the support of my husband. But as more time passes, as more things arise, and especially after I threatened to leave him, he's started standing beside me. Remember that they don't like her anymore than you do, hence, the reason they are called "the ex" and you are the current. You want the kids to love you but more important than love in any blended family is respect. Remember that when this child sets foot into YOUR home that child is living by the expectations of you and your husband NOT the biomom's. Enforce them. If there are other children in the home keep it equal to the the other children. Try to make the expectations the same for every child who lives in the home. It's extremely important. It may get worse before it gets better. My daughter (yes, I said my daughter rather than stepdaughter) now at 12 realizes she has that fine set line, the mother has backed off completely and is now actually BEGGING for our help. She still tries to implement her lifestyle into our home but we've become better at shutting it down before my daughter walks through the door. It's extremely difficult, extremely frustrating, but I wouldn't trade my family for the world and that includes my daughter.

Christina - posted on 12/24/2009

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I have the same constant concerns and problems. My husband and I did have a honeymoon technically (we went away for a wonderful week with no children), but as soon as we got back we were in the middle of a five month long custody battle over my teenage step-daughter. The teenager definitely had something to do with it, but it was mostly instigated by her mother. It is a problem, it is a concern, but I've come to just dealing with things as they come. I don't know what the mom is going to come up with next, what problems she might start, and it pains me to see how badly she's hurting her children. Unfortunately, all I can do is pray and do what I can when the kids are around me. I wish it were as easy as it sounds. Hang in there, keep praying!

Kim - posted on 09/03/2009

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Oh WOW! Just reading your post has made me cry. I've been going along for the past 3 years thinking I was such a horrible person because you've pretty much summed up our situation. I am trying so hard to keep the peace with everyone, while doing everything I can to ensure my stepdaughter (who is 7, and who we have five days a fortnight) can grow into a healthy adjusted person knowing we all, and especially God, loves her. It is so hard to do this because every step of the way her mother has been vindictive and nasty, often disregarding the court orders and doing what she wants. Ever since SD started primary school 2.5 years ago, biomum has insisted on spending every possible moment of the day with her, even when she is staying with us. SD has often come home in tears because she "wanted to go home with mummy today". Just recently, biomum spent the whole of a field trip day with her and told her the rest of the family was going to a friends place for the weekend but SD couldn't because she had to go to daddy's. SD spent the 2.5 hour bus trip home in tears, and didn't speak to either of us till late that evening, where we could get the info out of her.

I know God wants me to get along with everyone, and that my anger at the many health issues SD comes to us with (and we are talking horrendous urine ulcers and 8 week long cough/chest infections here!) but it is so hard to deal with. I pray constantly for guidance and support and I know He is there for me, but I often find myself questioning why He could allow this child to continue to suffer at the hand of a biomum who is so peeved at her ex because despite her telling him he would die lonely and never find anyone, he found me, and she is now a 'single' mum with four kids to (at least) three different fathers. Worst of all, she is seeing someone in another state, and we know that if she decides to move, we will only find out once we go to pick SD up from school and find she is no longer enrolled there.



Sorry for venting so much, but it is such a relief to find someone else in the same predicament as I am (in a sad sort of way...)



May God shine down and strengthen us both

Yours in Christ,

Kim

Kim - posted on 09/03/2009

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Oh WOW! Just reading your post has made me cry. I've been going along for the past 3 years thinking I was such a horrible person because you've pretty much summed up our situation. I am trying so hard to keep the peace with everyone, while doing everything I can to ensure my stepdaughter (who is 7, and who we have five days a fortnight) can grow into a healthy adjusted person knowing we all, and especially God, loves her. It is so hard to do this because every step of the way her mother has been vindictive and nasty, often disregarding the court orders and doing what she wants. Ever since SD started primary school 2.5 years ago, biomum has insisted on spending every possible moment of the day with her, even when she is staying with us. SD has often come home in tears because she "wanted to go home with mummy today". Just recently, biomum spent the whole of a field trip day with her and told her the rest of the family was going to a friends place for the weekend but SD couldn't because she had to go to daddy's. SD spent the 2.5 hour bus trip home in tears, and didn't speak to either of us till late that evening, where we could get the info out of her.

I know God wants me to get along with everyone, and that my anger at the many health issues SD comes to us with (and we are talking horrendous urine ulcers and 8 week long cough/chest infections here!) but it is so hard to deal with. I pray constantly for guidance and support and I know He is there for me, but I often find myself questioning why He could allow this child to continue to suffer at the hand of a biomum who is so peeved at her ex because despite her telling him he would die lonely and never find anyone, he found me, and she is now a 'single' mum with four kids to (at least) three different fathers. Worst of all, she is seeing someone in another state, and we know that if she decides to move, we will only find out once we go to pick SD up from school and find she is no longer enrolled there.



Sorry for venting so much, but it is such a relief to find someone else in the same predicament as I am (in a sad sort of way...)



May God shine down and strengthen us both

Yours in Christ,

Kim

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