Advice

Rachael - posted on 09/27/2009

my BM and I do lots of things together!!! we had a rough relationship at first and I started reaching out useing the child as a bridge. Now we do school stuff together and such. If anyone says bad things about her I am always the first to defend her and She has gotten on to SEVERAL mothers about their treatment of me at school function because im just the stepmother. All it takes is someone to make the first move. Steps and Bio's CAN have a good relationship!!!

Jessica - posted on 09/01/2009

Coffee or ice cream is a great idea. When my ex started dating his wife me and my husband and ex had already mended and formed a good parenting working relationship. Heck my ex even started babysitting for us LOL But when he started dating his wife I think she was nervous and unsure of where she fit in. I backed off and we stopped all the joking around cause the 3 of us joked and hung out a lot. So I talked with my husband and we backed off so they could form a relationship and so she knew I wasn't a threat. And as they became closer we slowly started inviting them over for dinner or whatever. And now we all get along well. Infact we just had an incident yesterday with my daughter not behaving and if we didnt' work together I'm sure my daughter would play us both. Cause that's how preteens are...right?

But anyway I think realizing what might bother the other mom and being respectful of that is important. Also forming a mom to mom bond is important and making it clear it's all about the kids. I think a get together between Bio and step mom is extremely important. Good luck I hope that it turns out positive and you guys can move forward.

Ashley - posted on 06/21/2009

Quoting Sara:

Quoting Jeannie:

I've often thought about inviting her for coffee so we can get to know each other. Everyone who knows her said that this is a horrible idea and no matter what I do it will be twisted to be a bad thing. I am going to keep looking for a way to connect with her. I like the idea of possibly doing it as a celebration for something over ice cream or something similar. Thank you guys

Everyone told me the exact same thing about BM.  "She is who she is, which isn't a very good person.  She's not going to change so don't hold your breath."  But you know, in the end we have to find stuff out for ourselves.  At the very worst case, you take a shot and find out their right but in the end you're still better off because at least you can say you tried.  I think asking her to coffee might be a geat idea. Good luck and let me know if you decide to take a leap of faith, and how it went for you!

Everyone, including my husband, thinks I'm crazy. But, I invited BM to coffee... 2 pots and 6 hours later, we had worked out a lot. I know that its not the end of our difficult conversations. But, at least I feel like I have an avenue for open dialogue when we need it in the future. Give it a shot. Be careful not to make any assumptions about her feelings or intentions for anything that she may have done or said in the past. Be prepared to take ownership of anything you have done or said in the past that contributed to your current relationship with her. Stay objective and open minded... I think you'll be suprised how well things can turn out....

Ashley - posted on 06/21/2009

Quoting Sara:

Quoting Jeannie:

I've often thought about inviting her for coffee so we can get to know each other. Everyone who knows her said that this is a horrible idea and no matter what I do it will be twisted to be a bad thing. I am going to keep looking for a way to connect with her. I like the idea of possibly doing it as a celebration for something over ice cream or something similar. Thank you guys

Everyone told me the exact same thing about BM.  "She is who she is, which isn't a very good person.  She's not going to change so don't hold your breath."  But you know, in the end we have to find stuff out for ourselves.  At the very worst case, you take a shot and find out their right but in the end you're still better off because at least you can say you tried.  I think asking her to coffee might be a geat idea. Good luck and let me know if you decide to take a leap of faith, and how it went for you!

Everyone, including my husband, thinks I'm crazy. But, I invited BM to coffee... 2 pots and 6 hours later, we had worked out a lot. I know that its not the end of our difficult conversations. But, at least I feel like I have an avenue for open dialogue when we need it in the future. Give it a shot. Be careful not to make any assumptions about her feelings or intentions for anything that she may have done or said in the past. Be prepared to take ownership of anything you have done or said in the past that contributed to your current relationship with her. Stay objective and open minded... I think you'll be suprised how well things can turn out....

Sara - posted on 06/19/2009

Quoting Jeannie:

I've often thought about inviting her for coffee so we can get to know each other. Everyone who knows her said that this is a horrible idea and no matter what I do it will be twisted to be a bad thing. I am going to keep looking for a way to connect with her. I like the idea of possibly doing it as a celebration for something over ice cream or something similar. Thank you guys

Everyone told me the exact same thing about BM.  "She is who she is, which isn't a very good person.  She's not going to change so don't hold your breath."  But you know, in the end we have to find stuff out for ourselves.  At the very worst case, you take a shot and find out their right but in the end you're still better off because at least you can say you tried.  I think asking her to coffee might be a geat idea. Good luck and let me know if you decide to take a leap of faith, and how it went for you!

Jeannie - posted on 06/18/2009

I've often thought about inviting her for coffee so we can get to know each other. Everyone who knows her said that this is a horrible idea and no matter what I do it will be twisted to be a bad thing. I am going to keep looking for a way to connect with her. I like the idea of possibly doing it as a celebration for something over ice cream or something similar. Thank you guys

Sara - posted on 06/12/2009

I feel your pain because I've delt with it for seven years. Our stories are very similiar - unfortunately, I think this is the case with a lot of us BM's and SM's. I don't think there's any straight answer for this. I think it has SO many variables that I couldn't even begin to guess why she hates you but I can tell you the usual reasons. If you came along after the fact that rules that out, so that leaves the other most common. She feels like you're a threat, like you are trying to take her place, and honestly if that's how she feels then it doesn't really even matter if that's the FARTHEST from the truth. Have you ever tried to contact her directly yourself? Either through a letter or an email? Let her know how you feel about her, how you feel about your SD. HOPEFULLY this will be enough to get through to her, maybe not - but at least you'll know you tried.

When I first reached out to my SD's BM I did it by inviting her to ice cream. Yes - it was that simple. It was the last day of 2nd grade for my SD and my bio daughter as well. I asked SD if she would like it if her mommy came with us to celebrate, of course she did so I had her call and invite her. I think BM was taken back and surprised, but she said yes! She was a little quiet but we made small talk. Then she sent me an email thanking me for the invite and it just grew from there. I think by inviting her along it made her feel like I was letting her be apart of my world with SD, rather than trying to shut her out and take over - like she always felt I was doing. Maybe doing some small, random act of kindness would work for you as well.

Jennifer - posted on 06/09/2009

I'm glad to find this group. My husband and I only want what's best for the girls. It's like she doesn't want him to have a relationship with his daughters. I'm a child of divorce and didnt' have a relationship with my BF til I was in my 30's. This is not what's best in this situation. My husband is a good man, a wonderful, loving father. I am realizing that we do have it pretty good compared to other stories out there. It's just really frustrating when someone is so fake always saying one thing then doing another, always changing the story. I just want to live by the truth. No games. I'm do hear it gets better as time goes by and the girls get older.

Emily - posted on 06/07/2009

I agree with Sonya! BM and I used to shoot daggers when we exchanged SS, and now we love talking about weddings and families and summer plans. If we can do it, it's really possible in any situation.
Same as Sonya, DF and BM still don't really talk, although it's gotten way better... BM and I do almost all the talking.
Sometimes it takes awhile for someone to realize you're sincere. But reaching out, like with little cards on holidays and things like that, can show your good intentions.
I'm so glad you want to communicate with her for SD's sake!

Sonya - posted on 06/06/2009

Well have you ever met in person for once just the two of you ? I remember when the BM first heard about me she didn't want me near her kids she said she was going to throw a rock through my car ect. everything in the book, but when I first met her we talked I invited her in (my husband was not there) and we talked for the first time,nw when my husband is there (oh yeah there is problems) however when he is not we get along just fine I am able to talk to her on the phone now and we communicate better than her and my husband do, so maybe thats all it takes really I know you are trying to find any way to get along with this woman for the childrens sake but just give her time to come around but don't give up on trying to reach out to her somebody has to be the bigger person. =)