Does your husband support your "partnership" with the Step-Wife?

Daire Maria - posted on 05/10/2010

it is so encouraging to see that there can be peace and that it doesnt have to be war. My fiance has been through a lot with his ex, and I suppose its too early to hope for peace/friendship, as the divorce isnt yet final and I can see it getting nasty. Her partner is controlling, and jealous, as he knows that she tried to convince my fiance to take her back after their affair at first. The passing of time has started to help, we have noticed in the last few months that things are slightly better. We dont speak however, and she isnt allowed to speak to him, so all organising is done through either the children or my fiance's mother, which is wrong. I would like to construct a 'working' relationship, for want of a better phrase. She has hurt my fiance so much, and made the kids suffer, I know we could never be friends... but its nice to see that there can be peace!

Jennifer - posted on 04/14/2010

My husband was probably wary at first, because of his history. But he respected my position (having been the stepkid, it was better when people got along) and saw what it did for my family firsthand. They had been friends since they were 13 so they had some friendship to fall back on, and now they are pretty tight, but she and I are closer. I opened up slowly according to his comfort and trust level, without really talking about it or overthinking it. We were nice at first, because: manners, but the friendship developed organically, like any friendship.

Sunrise - posted on 01/21/2010

My DH and I have spoken about the "what ifs" or what would happen if we were ever able to mend a decent working relationship with my ex and his wife. For a long time we talked about the benefits but then there is the reality that he(we) would be on the edge of our seats waiting for them to drop the other foot so to speak. I think it comes with the territory. While we are instructed by God to forgive we dont have to forget and I think it would be hard for DH and I to forget all the times my ex and his wife have burnt us. So no, to answer your question, I dont think my DH would support it at first but he may warm up to it eventually.

Rachael - posted on 09/28/2009

My husband HATED us having a friendship AT FIRST. Now he just accepts it as part of life. After all we are both mothers and we both love our shared child. He just get's on to us about rearranging visitation without talking to him first :)) but she likes me more :P Just keep trucking... bio dad IS going to have issues with it. They've been hurt and seen the worst in eachtoher. In my experiance once they see that things are getting better and it helps the child to know both parent's get along it helps!! Especially once the child gets old enough to play both parents against eachother. Ours tried it once until she found out my first call was going to be to her mother.. on speaker phone :)

Mandie - posted on 09/17/2009

I would really like to have a discussion with you and Emily about my situation but I dont want to hijack your post ;) LOL!- as this was about your question. Do you know of a way that I can talk to you and Emily directly about some things? Or should I just put it all down on this conversation?

To answer your original question: No my husband doesnt support a relationship between BM and I but to be fair I do understand his reasons. There has been violence in our situation so he has valid fears.

Ashley - posted on 09/17/2009

Mandie ~ I've been a co-mama for about 6 years now. It takes a long time to reach a "good place" and it takes some maintaining, for sure :)

Mandie - posted on 09/17/2009

Ashley, you and I have spoken before and I respect your enthusiasm. Can I ask, how long have you been a Co-mama? I know you have said but I cant remember. As soon as you get back to me I would love to discuss this topic further. xoxoxo

Jessica - posted on 09/01/2009

My husband is extremely supportive and actually helps keeping it going. We all get along really well but we still have our differences at times. We don't fight or argue just get frustrated. So sometimes I have my husband do the talking with my ex because I just get to emotional. It's good to know when to step back. And I am thankful I have my husband here to help things keep going. For the most part we all feel like family. Every once in a while you get that awkward feel in the air LOL but I think that's to be expected

Marlana - posted on 06/23/2009

I have a friendly relationship with the BM and my husband supports it. At first he wasn't so supportive. In fact, he didn't like it that we talked, but I think that it was mostly because he was afraid that I'd feel uncomfortable because of everything that happened between all of us at the begining of our relationship. (We started dating shortly after they divorced and I don't think that anyone knew exactly how to handle the situation.) I had to keep reassuring him that I could handle things.

My father was married before he met my mother and they did not have a good relationship with his exwife. They fought and argued constantly, and 26 years later they don't have a nice thing to say about the other one. Because they didn't get along, my relationship with my older brother and sister has been effected. So in the end it was the kids who ended up getting hurt. It wasn't fair to us!

I explained this to my husband and told him that I will do whatever it takes to maintain a good relationship with the BM. Do I like everything about her? NO, but I bet she doesn't like everything about me either. We're completely different people but at the end of the day we're still people. I think it's very important that the moms have a friendly relationship and my husband understands that. I talk to her more than he does. Sometimes I'll go without my husband to pick my stepson up or to drop him off and she'll joke and say "Are you that you and I weren't married at one time?" I also think that our friendship helps my relationship with my stepson and it's much easier for her and me to discuss things about him. After all, we are the mothers of the houses and it's important for us to be on the same page. It took awhile, but eventually my husband came around to the idea of his wife and exwife being friends. It's actually helped thier friendship out as well.

Emily - posted on 06/21/2009

It makes sense to me, at least if there was a custody battle! Our men and their exes have seen the very worst in each other and focused on that as they battled for custody. The fight to get custody means painting a negative portrait of the other person, and he has to believe it in order to believe in the cause of the fight. If you start to get along with her, it calls his organizing framework into some question (at least for him), and he gets worried that you won't be on his side anymore.
I've given my DF a lot of reassurance as we go, and BM and I have agreed on solid boundaries. We usually work out schedules a lot more smoothly than she could with him, but she and I both always know that we need to honor his feelings and views when we're talking, and that I'll always stand by his side. So we never do anything that would place that at risk, and DF feels much better now.

Leaha - posted on 06/17/2009

This is an interesting topic. I'm not sure if my husband ''supports'' a relationship between his ex and I or not. When my husband and I's relationship started, she hated me (still does, i think) always called me names and threw a fit if I was around ''her'' kids, all this infront of the children and whom ever else, ect... In the begining we would fight and I honestly think that my husband got a kick out of us fighting, he thought it was funny! Now that I've recently broken the ice with her and started to try and get along, I think he's jealous that we are getting along. I don't know how to explain it, it's weird, It's almost like he wants us to fight and not get along... Does that make sence to anyone? Am I just crazy?

Ashley - posted on 06/15/2009

Sara and Emily ~ Thanks for responding to my post. I really appreciate your perspectives. I agree that its ok for my husband to feel the way that he does and I am happy that he is supportive in his own quiet way. I'm not sure I could have the fortitude to do this if he wasn't as quiet about his skepticism. I guess what I'm hearing is that you all have had similar experiences and that I should re-evaluate my expectations :) I bet this is a real barrier for other SMs and BMs.

Emily - posted on 06/14/2009

Wow Sara. That had to be hard going from good to bad like that. :(
My DF is supportive of "whatever keeps me happy." He prefers to stay out of it and doesn't even want to know when BM and I talk or what we discuss, unless it's essential for SS4. Personally I'm glad he has developed this perspective since before he thought getting along would be crazy. He's seen how much SS4 has settled down and how much more relaxed BM and I are now that we're friends, so because of that he just lets me do my thing.

Sara - posted on 06/12/2009

A while back BM and I actually became friends - it was not just a "cordial, for the children" type of relationship. It started as that but we became close and hung out often. Both being stay at home moms with children on the same school schedule it was easy. Anyway, my husband never said anything. Never complained about his ex always hanging around the house. But, when our relationship fell apart, as he warned me it would because he "knows her", he admitted that he didn't love the idea of her being around so much. That being said he was always supportive of our friendship while it lasted because he knew it was a better alternative than the way we had all been living before (mostly in disgust and hate!).

I think it's okay that your husband feels the way he does - if anyone has lost faith in BM it would be the man who once loved, and was probably deeply hurt by her. As long as he's supportive of the improvement you are trying to make - he's not hurting anyone by expiencing a little doubt.

This can only go one of two ways. You'll prove him wrong or he'll prove you wrong! Hopefully you'll prove him wrong because that would certainly make life much eaiser! But only time will tell!