Mom needs advice....

Sara - posted on 06/24/2009

I just don't see a devoted stepmother of several years all of sudden putting her stepson aside just because she had a child of her own. This could be as simple as teenage generated anxiety about feeling replaced,no longer being the baby...that sort of thing. The type of stuff that would occur with any teenager facing a new sibling in the house. It could be that it's eaiser for him to lash out at his stepmother than his father since the bond with the bio parent is obviously stronger. Or it could be what Angel Wolf suggested above - or even a combination of both. I would definitely talk to your son and encourage him to talk to his dad and stepmom, at this age it's more appropriate for him to talk to them than for you to have to step in and do it for him. I would also do your best to disuade him from bad mouthing her to you, let him know it's okay for him to vent but not okay for him to bash.

Marlana - posted on 06/23/2009

My husband and I met shortly after my SS turned 2 (he's now 5 1/2) Our daughter is almost 2 and we just had a son 2 months ago. He has also has a sister at his mom's house. Since the BM and I have a friendly relationship we're able to talk about what's going on with his feelings. He's told her before that he thinks that his dad and I love his sister more than him, and he's also told us that his mom and stepdad love his other sister more. We're all very careful that he gets treated equally. However, through our discussions we think that the problem isn't us or how we treat the kids but rather that he might feel a little out of place. He sees his dad and I together with "our" kids, then he goes to his mom's house and sees her and her husband with "thier" daughter and I think he just doesn't understand why his parents aren't together. It sounds horrible and we do everything to try to prevent him from feeling this way, but I think that sometimes he feels like he just doesn't belong anywhere.


Being a stepmom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm always second guessing myself, but being able to talk to his BM helps things. We have a good relationship and we're able to talk about things and bounce ideas off eachother, after all we both want the best for him. Maybe your son is feeling a little out of place since there's a new baby at his dad's house.

Jennifer - posted on 04/15/2009

Add me to the chorus of Things Change, Kid.  She's probably not treating him differently because she has her "own" kid (ugh, hate that term).  She's probably treating him differently because there's a baby in the house - more "please be quiet" to get the kid some sleep, etc, and yeah, probably a lot less patience and one-on-one time.  This would happen if he were her biokid, as well. 

I would suggest getting him to list specific instances - if she is actually saying "hey I've got my own now, so you're redundant" then you need to address that, like, yesterday.  But if it's things like "she yells at me when I leave my music up" or even "she gets angry easily" then that's normal.  Try to see her side of this, beyond your initial protective urge toward him.  Maybe if he hears from you what she may be dealing with, he'll be happier (feeling less persecuted) and can get back a relationship that has made him happy and safe before.

Bree - posted on 04/14/2009

I am a step mum of two (6 and 7). A little over a year ago their father and I had a baby. At first it was really hard. They only stay with us every other weekend and school holidays and their father trys to make up for lost time by showering them with attention, love and letting them do whatever they want. That was fine before we had our daughter, but afterwards I felt as though he was ignoring the baby and me whenever they stayed with us. We had lots of long disscusions about it and decided that we had to start treating all the children the same for their sake. We set down some house rules that all children are expected to follow, even their cousins when they come to visit. At first mt step kids resisted. They hated the change and went back to their mum and told her that I was being mean to them. She got in a tiz about it but once we sat down with her and explaned what was going on she realised that what we were doing was best for the kids. Things are never "easy" and there are always challanges but it is now 14 months since I had my baby and we all get along great. They accept me as and authority figure and a friend.
Maybe your son is a bit upset that his role in their family has changed. Things will settle down after a while. You could talk to him about how things always change with time and accepting change makes life easier.

Ashley - posted on 04/13/2009

I am the stepmom of a teenage boy (14 yo; who lives with us nearly full time) and the mother of a toddler (2.5 yo girl). I met my stepson when he was 7 (almost 8) years old.  When he was younger, we had a wonderful relationship. A little bit after my daughter came along, our relationship started to wane. So, I think I might know where your son's SM is coming from.

I don't know how much of the deterioration of our relationship has been due to the new stresses in my life in dealing with my daughter (including post-partum depression) or the new stresses in dealing with my SS's emerging teenage attitude and lack of responsibility. I have made a concerted effort not to treat him any differently because of my daughter and, honestly, do not feel like I have any favoritism towards my daughter. My SS lives with us nearly full time and I had my whole heart already invested in him when my daughter came along and that hasn't changed. That said, we're almost three years into this now and things are not getting better.

As a boy, he is not maturing as quickly as he needs to and he needs to "step it up". At 14 years old, he needs to start doing some things for himself that I just literally do not have time or strength to do anymore, nor should I do them for him. He needs to be doing these things to take that next step in his life... growing up and preparing to leave this house. That said, this isn't all that revolutionary. Teenagers everywhere (especially boys) don't like to have to take responsibilities. But, in my case, it is even more frustrating when I have to deal with a toddler on top of that. Neither the toddler or the teenager can be effectively rationalized with and as a result I am exhausted all the time. I firmly believe that teenage relationships with thier parental figures are hard enough without the added burden of a toddler totally draining the parent. I also have an 18 yo step-daughter and things have been easier with her... but she was 16 when my daughter was born and, as a girl, has matured much quicker than her brother. I also wasn't as exhausted when she was going through the horendous behavior of the early teenage years (which I think are worse than the later teens). So, I think I may have been able to cope with her early teens a little better.

So, now that I've blumbered all of my history here.... this is what I suggest:

First, understand that everything that your son tells you is from his perspective and (as a teenager) may not be the entire truth. My SS has done this a lot with his BM (and still does), talking badly about me... and only because his teenage mind cannot fathom my point of view and it gets lost in his frustration when he communicates all of that to his mom. I have mitigated a lot of that by talking with his mom objectively when I know that he will be going to his mom (or I know that he has)... so that she has the entire story and can decide how best to support her son. That has helped a lot. If you cannot talk to his SM, at least understand that what he is saying may not be complete. Also, when he talks badly about SM, and that gets back to her, she will feel stabbed in the back and thier relationship will continue to spiral down down down. Sounds like you are asking for more info so that you can do this... and that is great :) 

Secondly, have a frank conversation with your son about how tired his SM is. She needs his HELP, not his attitude. I know that I don't know your son, but I have yet to meet a teenager (especially a boy) who proactively helps out, steps up to his responsibilities and does what he's told (without the "I know better than you" attitude). Maybe if he can step it up a little bit and drop any kind of attitude, she will appreciate his help and thier relationship will blossom again. Me... I'm just hoping to survive with some semblance of what we had when he was little. But, I am encouraged that there are bio-mom's out there who feel the same way about thier bio-teenagers.

I hope that this helps give you the perspective that you're looking for. Please feel free to ask more questions and I will do my best to help you. Good luck :)

Angela - posted on 03/13/2009

If you can't talk to her, then you have to talk to your son. As a teenager he can understand some life pressures and that situations change. Stepmom has now had a baby, this brings lots of sleepless night and added worry, that could certainly lead to a change in overall attitude. He needs to understand that he can also influence the relationship between him and stepmom through his own behaviors and attitudes.