Hope - posted on 01/24/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )
Sorry for the title...but Im trying to get attention :)My SD will be 10 this spring. She's lived with Dad since she was born and BM has been gone from the home since SD was 6 months old. BM rarely saw the child, and when I met my SD, she was 4. At that point she didnt know who her mom was. She actually asked once if BM was her aunt when coming across a picture. BM for the last 4 years or so is a little more involved but not nearly as much as she could be (she lives long distance). My SD knows that Mom could make more of an effort and resents that she doesnt. SD will mention ball practice, or a game, or something going on to see if her Mom will remember to ask her about them. SD even times theirphone conversations and will say things like "45 seconds. I think thats a new record." I think SD just wants Mom to try to make more of and effort to be involved. When she visits Mom, Mom's idea of quality one on one time is a trip running errands. (mom is very busy with husband and their 2 kids). If she's lucky they may go see a movie. But there isn't really even one on one time in the house. SD just resents the whole situation and has told me she doesnt like/ see the point of going over there. She isn't close with her other two siblings bc they are toddlers (one of which has serious behavior problems. Serious enough to be sent home early from daycare) and says when she goes over they mostly watch T.V.. Its to the point where if we even mention a trip to her mom's she groans and complains and asks why she has to go. She hates going on spring break bc she says she would rather have that time off to spend relaxing at home. She hates going for summer bc shes' there too long. She doesnt even see her Mom's house as a home and has told her mom once but instead of listening Mom just insisted that it is like a home. Mom and I have an Ok relationship but I think only now bc my husband hates cooperating with her (a constant source of disagreement) and if she wants anything I think she realizes I am her best ally. But I think this is why she is now cooperative, not bc she respects me. I've tried to hint that she should spend more time with her and even suggested activities that I know SD would enjoy but Mom has yet to even try. I am afraid to come out and just say "look lady, youre messing up. SD doesnt even want to see you. Listen to your daughter. You need to be more involved no matter how much SD acts like she doesn't want to talk to you." I think if I tell her directly that her daughter doesnt even want to be over there she not only won't believe me, but it will be a source of conflict. I feel for SD bc I know as much as I want to be, I'll never be a real mom to her, and this is a relationship she is going to want/need later in life.