Advice for a pregnant single woman?

Jurnee - posted on 09/05/2011

Ok, this is wrong, to do, but it works. I know that most of the time to get any sort of public assistance, you must name the father so the state can sue in your behalf for child support. If you say you were raped, they want a police report. i know a woman who got involved with a very bad man, she left him, and then found out she was pregnant. She told social services that her child was the result of a one nite stand from a guy she met in a bar that is populated by lots of tourists, and she didnt even get his name. yes it was a lie, but naming the father could have gone very badly for her and her child.I dont know why your friend doesnt want the dad involved, but I can understand situations where it would be best.

Barbara - posted on 06/03/2011

That is a tricky situation for sure, Rachel. Wow.



For me, I have included her dad on the birth certificate. I always would have told her who her dad is, even if he had stayed out of our lives.



I know now he loves his daughter - even if he was DEAD set against it and me, when I became pregnant. I think he still despises me though. Still accuses me of all sorts of nonsense, and most of the time we have nothing to do with one another other than the few minutes it takes to drop off my girl on his daddy days.



I am so glad that here in British Columbia Canada there was a free service that allowed us to mediate an agreement without having to spend money on lawyers. Thankfully we 'get along' (LOL) well enough to be civil and do that. However there are still random blow ups from him and he knows if it ever went before a judge that he might not get as much as he does now.



Carol, your friend should indeed get some legal advice. Better to know now and be prepared just in case.

Rachel - posted on 06/02/2011

My girl's daddy was an illegal alien (British) until last year, when he finally returned to London. He didn't have a legal leg to stand on as far as visitation while he was still in the states because he'd been living in Los Angeles completely under the radar.

Like the father of Barbara's child, my daughter's father wanted me to abort then left me when I refused. After 2 months of no contact, he called and said he wanted to be part of our daughter's life. So, he helped finish much of the work he'd started on the house (my daughter's room was complete) and was at the hospital for the birth. He just couldn't find any work to help support us... Plus, he had an ex-wife with two children who demanded support. If anyone was going to receive help, it was her. I consider myself lucky that he didn't have rights or my daughter and I would have been stuck in CA with no family to help. Needless to say, he never forgave me for leaving CA with our daughter... Yet, I was expected to forgive his demand that I abort. Decisions have not been easy one as a single mom. No matter how carefully I consider options, it still worry about how my daughter will be effected and constantly wonder.

I do remember learning that it would be important to not include the father on the Birth Certificate if the mother doesn't want the father having "access". Of course, once a father is contributing child support, his parental rights can more easily enforced (because the dad is "showing up").

Carol - posted on 06/02/2011

Barbara, I hadn't thought of the legal angle. I will advise my friend to get legal advice (if she hasn't already). I mean, who knows, even if the baby-daddy doesn't want any contact now, perhaps he will in the future, and that would not be good if the mom really doesn't want that.

Barbara - posted on 06/02/2011

Sounds like what I went thru. After no contact because he said "a child would ruin his life" and that he wanted me to have an abortion... In the end when she was born the daddy came back and wanted IN.

So I had to go get a legal agreement to declare what his access would be and what his support would be... it was a mess. Still a pain the ass...

We went the full first year WINGING IT, and he never paid a dime. He still doesn't really pay and yet DEMANDS I follow the agreement for my end of things. Hypocrite.

Anyway, I would suggest she speak to someone for legal advice. Bio-dads are given A LOT of rights these days in the system.

Even though I do believe it is important for a child to have access, if there is concern regarding abuse or drugs or addictions, she has to protect her child.

I was more than willing to make it alone, and really I do, my girl's bio-dad isn't financially sound (LOL) and I always knew even though he is supposed to pay support, that he would stiff me. I don't count on his money. It is the access he has that is more annoying than anything... thus why I suggest she really go speak to someone to get legal advice.

Every place is different too... legally speaking. So she needs to check what applies where she lives.

Rachel - posted on 06/02/2011

You're welcome, Carol!

Carol - posted on 06/02/2011

Hi Rachel,
Your situation sounds tough. Thanks for sharing. I lived off my savings (and spent it all) when my first daughter was born.

I think you're right that she should have an emotional and financial network in place before the baby is born. Looking for daycare for a baby is very stressful when you are all alone.

Rachel - posted on 06/02/2011

If she wants nothing to do with the father and still needs (and what single mother doesn't) financial support... after the baby is born, she can go to the state and file for welfare. They will pursue the father. Does she have family around her who can help with the childcare when and if she returns to work?

I moved back East when my girl was 10 mos. to be near family. My "husband" (only on paper) paid a total of three month's child support. I needed to return to work and my wonderful family helped by watching my girl for the first 6 months. After that (when my girl was a year and a half), my father paid for daycare. I wouldn't have been able to make it financially without my family's help. It was hard on everyone (my mother had just passed away 3 weeks before my daughter was born).

Anyway, my main point is that any woman having a baby on her own is going to want to have support in place before the child is born... or it can be severely overwhelming to be faced with it post-partum. Having just lost my own mother, I wasn't emotionally prepared for the tremendous impact of raising a child on my own. I hope that your friend already has in place the emotional support she'll truly need.