A poor friend in need of advise!! OMG!!

Tanya - posted on 03/19/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Here's a letter from a gentle soul who needs our advise ladies! It's the haircut issue that burns me...read on!!


Ok, I need honest opinions with this one. I need to know if I just need to get over my in-law issues, or what. Here is a quick overview. I have been married almost 2 years now, love my husband to death, and I do like his parents-they are his parents- but I have been getting so frustrated with them, and in my opinion they have gone to far. But my husband thinks I am being too dramatic and that I need to just get over it. I’ll start with the little things, first it was just coming over to my house(without notice) and bring hamburger and putting it on my counter and telling me I need to fix lunch- I was trying to get my daughter’s bedroom ready because she was due soon. No biggie I did it and went on my way- p.s I hate cooking haha, next it was the 6mth pictures. THey told me that they wanted to get them done for her and would tell me when they wanted to do it so I could pick out her outfits and be there, nope, one day I came home from work and picked her up and they showed me the receipt, again I was a little upset but it was only the 6mths. Then little stuff like me coming home from spending the day with my family on the Sunday=I had Maria with me so they were not watching her, and she said in her serious voice-and she was- bout time you got your ass home-actual word though, the thing is every weekend we drive 2 hrs to where they live and spend practically the whole weekend with them,we stay at their house and we eat dinner with them, and my mom only lives 20 minutes from them, I could easily stay at her house and spend more time with them, but I don't, and when I wanted to spend one Sunday with her, his Mom has a cow.

The last thing is what really upset me, and I am still upset about it a month later. My friend was having her baby and I drove up to see be there for her, I asked his parents to watch her while I was in the hospital. Of course they did because they only get to see her on the weekends, 4 hours later I came back to find that they had cut my daughter’s hair. Here’s the thing, my daughter has never had a hair cut before, she is 15mths, she has always had a good amount of hair, and I was wanting it to grow out including her bangs. Well her bangs were below her eyes, but I always kept it pulled back out of them, and his parents were always asking to cut it, and I always told them no. And if my husband was there and I wasn't he would tell them no because I didn't want it, and so they wouldn't do it. But the second my husband and i wasn't around, they cut it. This is the only child I have, this was her first hair cut, and I didn't get to be there, they went behind my back and I feel like they knowingly disrespected me. I feel they disrespect me as a parent and think they know better then I do, yes they have more experience, they raised two kids, but they constantly make decisions without me knowing. Another little example is going out any buying a bigger size diaper, and on occasion going out and buying a bigger size shoe because they were too small, when in reality they fit as they should, but of course who am I, why would I know anything about my daughter.

Am I totally crazy for feeling like this? If I am how do I just get over it when I feel constant anger and annoyance towards them? I am worried they are going to do something else that I don't want them to do. I haven't brought it up to them because my husband thinks it will be pointless and will only cause problems. I think they owe me an apology, but he says she will never do that because she never thinks she is wrong. He thinks that I should just get over it and not worry about it because its not that big of deal. My Step-Mom agrees, she thinks that they were just looking out for Maria and trying to help out.

What should I do? HELP!

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Julia - posted on 02/20/2013

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PS. Check out some of the discussions grandmoms are having about us on Circle of Moms and other discussion boards. They have frustrations too. I am of the belief that it isn't about grandma cutting our kids hair or us being a little late when they babysit and disrespecting their time or any other petty issue. It is really the age old power struggle of kids wanting to grow up, have their own lives and Father Knows Best. As the kids we have to realize if we are not under their roof we got what we wished for and for them they need to see that we are self sufficient adults. But you can old control your own behavior and hope that by modeling good conflict resolution skills we can find teachable moments and help our parents learn...lol.

Emily - posted on 03/20/2009

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I don't think you are over reacting at all. Like you said, It is YOUR first child and you want to experience all of her firsts...like any mom would! I think you should (in a nice way) lay down the law with these people. Tell them that you are thankful that they are a part of your childs life, but it is your child. And if they can't respect your wishes and rules that concern your child then they might get to see her less. And if they continue to do things behind your back, like the pictures and haircut, then you will not ask them to watch your kid anymore. Ask your mother in law to look at it from your piont of view...she had the chance to raise her kids so now its your turn, and she probably wouldn't appreciate it if someone went behind her back and did something with her child that she wanted to do first. You should definetly have a serious sit down talk with them, and be as honest and nice, but very to the piont and blunt at the same time. Just let them know that you aren't trying to hurt their feelings or start a fight, but that you deserve their respect when it comes to YOUR child (not their child). I don't think it is pointless or that you are over reacting, because if you don't do anything about it now, it will just get worse, and then you will be racking your brain with a new issue and I promise that will drive you crazy. My husband and I had issues with his parents for the longest time and instead of taking care of the issue when it happened we prolonged it and it got worse. Finally my husband and I could not take it and he called his dad, they got in an argument, we didn't talk to them for about a month, but we felt so much better by just getting it off our minds, and now things are better. And if you noticed I said my husband called...we have an agreement, he handles his parents and I handle mine. His parents might take the issue more seriously if your husband talks to them, or you and your husband together talk to them. So maybe you should sit down with your hubby and tell him how you feel and that you both need to talk to the parents before things really get out of hand. And tell your husband that he needs to support you in this and that you would really like him to talk to his parents with you, and if he doesn't agree with that then talk to them yourself anyway, and let him know that you are going to talk with them if he is there or not, but you would love his support. It will ease your mind to just know that you let it out, even if the conversation with them does not go the way you would like it to. Either way just know that you are not crazy or dramatic, but just a first time mommy that would like to enjoy your child...that is not a lot to ask for!!! Best of luck and I hope all works out in your favor!!!

Julia - posted on 02/20/2013

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Great idea Chris! I'm finding my young man is living the life of Riely and thinks he is abused, just what the grands probably think of the parents. Lol. Btw You Rock! In case no one told you today!

Julia - posted on 02/20/2013

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Thanks Chris! This is not something that comes easily to me, it's hard and takes work. especially since we live in a confomtational society. In my family it is my mom who is the buttinsky 😄. My college girlfriends started calling her Marie (after the mother in Everybody Loves Raymond) so her buttinsky ways have a long history! Of course they always ate the groceries she brought :) and we all learned to focus on the groceries not the commentary. When she helped rearrange my sons play room one day while visiting I was livid at first. A few days later when the playroom was some how still in perfect working order and I was enjoying the fruits of her labor I made a point (after cursing her evil genius) to thank her. It makes it easier for me to grit my teeth, smile and basically keep calm and carry on since it is my mom but I know how hard it can be. Basically when you get mad you just stress yourself out.

Julia - posted on 02/15/2013

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It sounds like they do a lot and are trying to help. I have a family member like this the heart is in the right place. Saying things like they are trying to get to you is ridiculous. In their eyes they are looking at their granddaughter whose hair is over her eyes and trying to help the kid out so she can see. Learn to let it roll off. If they buy her shoes be thankful your child has people who live her enough to buy her new shoes if they think her shoes are getting tight. Sometimes when my mom does this stuff I just say. That is great. These will be her special shoes that we keep at grandmas house. Then I leave the shoes at my moms. I tend to think if your family members like your step mom feel you are over reacting that is a better gauge than a bunch of strangers because they know all the personalities involved. It is great for kids to have loving grandparents. Let it roll off or better yet learn to laugh at it. Think of them as silly old people who don't understand modern parenting and laugh. Go see Parental Guidance with Billy Crystal and Bette Middler. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see it how they see it. Bitch about it with some girlfriends if you need to then move on. Life is too short to fight with the grandparents. Think about if it were reversed and your parents were doing these things. Your parents probably have quirks that grate on your husband too. That said. Don't feel guilty about sneaking out of the family gathering on occasion to see your mom. And when they come and demand you make lunch kill them with kindness. Smile your brightest smile and say. Thank you so much for bringing over some lunch. I was just in the middle of XYZ and you are such a better cook than I am. Thanks mom for getting lunch together. Give her a hug then continue what you were doing before she arrived. She will be hard pressed to do anything other than prepare the lunch herself. If she proceeds to try to get you to do it keep smiling and just say I'm do sorry. I wasn't expecting company and I'm just in the middle of XYZ but you can help yourself to something to eat and visit with the baby if you want. I really appreciate all your help. Keep it positive. Keep a smile in and just bring things back to what you can do.

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Tanya - posted on 07/22/2013

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They love her to bits and i really think they are doing what they think is right.; The thing is that you are mum and they need to step back . Maybe try sitting them down and explaining that you know how much they love your child and that you appreciate their efforts and help but from now on they are to consult you before doing anything to or with your child and that you know they will because they would never want to jeopardize their relationship with you and your child.;Grandparents( I am one) don't have the right to go against the parents. step forward its your baby and you are the boss.

Chris - posted on 02/20/2013

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talking about checking out what grandmas are saying/thinking. Good idea. I also think i should get my son on here to check out what other moms are doing about what other teens are going through so he can see how good he has it at home....

Chris - posted on 02/20/2013

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@Julia, you are such a wonderful peacemaker. I actually agreed with Emily but after reading your post I like what you said too. I think that if she decides to talk to the inlaws she needs to have her husband doing the talking too. If they don't do it together, it just makes her look like the crappy daughter in law. I wish I had the patience to do what you told her to do with the cooking etc and I think it can work perfectly....if she can be a good actor, get over her feelings and then ride it out. Just turn it around like that is absolutely perfect and nobody gets insulted. Whatever happens, it is important to have the husband 100% behind the wife. Good luck Tanya!
p.s. I think it is horrible that they cut her hair and I would have flipped but it is good to look at it through the grandparents eyes even though they are not looking through your eyes. Don't put up with all their crap and get your husband involved....its the only way to stay married happily.

Susan - posted on 02/17/2013

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I would restrict their babysitting for a while. When asked, I would mention that you want to be there when she has those first wonderful experiences - and the first time you say it, add, "Like getting her hair cut."

This is YOUR daughter, not theirs. Hair is a small thing - it'll grow back. It was the fact that they usurped your position as the child's parent that has upset you, and rightly so.

Nekeda - posted on 02/17/2013

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To the lady who said they cut her hair because they wanted the hair out of her face, no maam! Her first hair cut? That's her only child, she should have gotten permission to do that! Tanya! This was 3 years ago, how have things gotten? I won't even post my advice yet, I didn't realize this was this old, lol.

Bridgette - posted on 07/03/2009

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You better put a stop to things now or get use to it! They are doing it for one resone to get to you. and as long as you let them them by with it they will make you life H@LL!! They have raised there kids this one is yours and you should be able to do it your way!
Good Luck to you!!

Amie - posted on 03/20/2009

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Your hubby and step mom are wrong! Completely! They are crossing boundaries that NO ONE has the right to do. It always starts with the small things and then balloons into bigger issues. If it's not nipped in the bud it will get worse and the relationship you do have with them will deteriorate further or become so completely horrid you won't want to be around them. haha.. I know that feeling. =)

Start with your husband though. He needs to know and understand you're not trying to be manipulate or mean, that it is your daughter and the final say is always yours and his. His parents doing these things and him not saying anything is giving them the go ahead to continue their behavior. Sure they've raised two children, sure they have experience, that is not the point. It is your child and your decisions are the only ones that matter. They have no right to go behind your back or to make such rude comments either. I'd have been so flipping mad (and my hubby too) if my MIL ever said anything like... bout time you got your ass home... my hubby would have thrown her ass out the door and told her to come back when she can be more respectful.
Now I understand it is his parents and it won't be easy. My own hubby had issues with standing up to them until my MIL went to far and he lost it. Like completely lost it, I was there to show my support of him but wow. His parents got the message at least and it came from him and not me so it wasn't like I was attacking them. They could not turn it on me in anyway, though they tried to at one point but he told them it wasn't me it was him. He'd had enough of their meddling and we would raise our kids the way we saw fit. They are the grandparents and not the parents. If they continued the behavior they would not get to see their grand kids. They've gotten better over the years but still need reminders, especially when my hubby isn't around. They drive me absolutely freaking mad!! But when I do have to handle things I do so as politely as possible then tell my hubby about it as soon as I see him next so I know they won't try to pull some crap. They've done that before too. bleh....
In short... your MIL needs to apologize and stop freaking meddling. Everything needs to be cleared with you and your husband both before they do things with the kids. Seriously. In laws are freaking annoying, at least with this experience I know how NOT to treat my kids future partners. I'd shoot myself if I ever did this crap with them. esh.
*hugs* Talk to your hubby first and foremost as I first said. He needs to stop being so complacent with their behavior or it won't stop.

Sara - posted on 03/20/2009

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If I were you I would not be able to just keep letting it go, eventually all that little stuff would build up and make me explode.  From my experience with terrible inlaws, the only way to deal is to bring it out.  My husband used to tell me that I just needed to let it go too, but all the little things were starting to hang on our marriage.  It is easy for your husband to let them go because he loves them unconditionally, but you do not have that luxury.  So, tell them what they did wrong and start setting concrete barriers.  Be consistant and try to NEVER yell! 



 



Now, I think it is really important to do this calmly and when you are in a happy mood so you can set it all out and set up some boundaries without exploding anger.  From my experience exploding anger at poeple when they just pushed that last little bit too much does not work.



The Hari cut thing is so terrible, that is a line that no one should cross!  I did the same thing with my daughter, but I gave in to the constant bugging about cutting her bangs and cut them.  Then I regretted listening to everyone else and had to deal with growing them out after my daughter was two.  It is a pain! 



 



Finally, I have a call first rule with my inlaws.  it did not start that way, but when they would show up, I would tell them that it would have been nice to give me a call first.  Then when we were with the family i would tell everyone (laughing) that the inlaws just showed up.  The family says how awful it is and it embarasses the bad in law and gets your point across. 



Wait till you are in the room with your MIL's friends and tell them that she gave your daughter her first hair cut.  Chances are great one of the firends will be shocked and it will embarass your MIL.



Embarrassment it the best weapon!



 



 



 

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