Intervention failed..now what?

Michaela - posted on 01/17/2011

Within his own race? I'm so sorry if she is being serious about that. It's a shame she would rather her son marry for color than love. I don't know how long you and your husband have been together...but it took mine 5 years and his mother completely making a fool of herself at our wedding to get him to finally see it. He didn't start seeing any of this until after I was pregnant and she decided she was going to be in the delibery room and read to the baby EVERY NIGHT and making comments like "this time next year I will be really busy with the baby" and so on........Thankfully he started to notice the overbearing behavior and the fact that just maybe I had been right about her intentions and feelings for me from the begining. (because her flat out telling me after our wedding that she is having a hard time accepting another woman is more important in her sons life didn't do the trick in itself) I am INCREDIBLY grateful that he finally not only sees it, but has begun to speak up to her on his own when a comment is made without any reaction or promting from me. I don't know about you.....but it was a long 5 years of nothing but screaming matches over her before we reached this point. And sadly...she is the only thing we have EVER fought about.

Diana - posted on 12/30/2010

I have a crazy MIL too, so I understand your frustration. You are very lucky to have your husband stand by you especially when it comes to the well-being of your child.
My MIL is the same, always making everything about her, always trying to be the center of attention, and is always playing the victim. Recently she sent me a text message stating "you, my son, and your sons no longer exist in my life" after a disagreement. This was the week before my youngest son turned 1 year old. She till this day has not approached me to apologize, not even for saying this about our boys. My husband however has been talking to her here and there and even asked me to send her one of the holiday photo greeting cards I created online. I said No I will not send her a card, why would I send something so special to someone who clearly does not care for us. of course he like always says I'm too sensitive, need to get over it, making to much out of nothing, etc...! He doesn't see or want to see just how wrong and disrespectful his mother has been for a long time towards. She said to me once before we even had kids "I would have preferred if my son would have married within our own race" I mean that is pretty rude and hurtful thing to say. Granted she is entitled to her opinion and feelings but why verbalize this to me? Did she think I was going to apologize for not being her race? Never that! I really held my tongue with a lot of things before we had kids and even for some time after I had my first born - but enough is enough. I figure if my husband is not going to stand by me his wife and be about the well being of our children well guess I need to be "the bad guy" as they so love to refer to me as. I'm always "wrong" for wanting to protect my boys and frankly I've come to a point where I'm okay with this. What she thinks of me or refers to me is clearly not going to change - but I can change how I allow it to affect me. At the end of the day I will never stop taking care of and protecting my sons. It would be nice though if I had more support from my spouse. Again you are very lucky your husband is understanding and respectful of your concerns and supports to you on protecting your child.

Michaela - posted on 08/02/2010

Thanks girls! We held a private intervention with her, just my husband and I. She seems to understand she needs help, and agreed to therapy and AA.....however, she has not followed thru and instead of "not drinking" she goes out of town for weekends and binges. My husband told her she would not babysit, or even be alone with our kids if she couldn't prove her progress. (letter from AA counselor, and her therapists.) I was reallt proud of him! Our visits with her have been sparatic up to this point, and Eric called her over the weekend and told her we knew she hadn't gotten any help yet. She never returned the call. At least at this point I know he is behind me on this and sees that even though he has found a way to deal with her, that our kids should not be put in that position. That is really all I have asked from him. I guess if she wants to be a partcipating Grandparent she knows what she needs to do.

Crystal - posted on 08/02/2010

I'm so sorry you have to deal with a crazy MIL. My MIL is pretty crazy. You basically have to put your foot down. Decide now what you want the boundries to be. You said you already set up "grand Parent ground rules" That is great! Just stick to them.if she gets out of hand, stop taking your baby over there. Make it clear that you won't bring the baby over any more. Tell MIL until her drinking is under control, she can only come to your house, INVITATION only. The point of an intervention is to give an ultimatum and stick to it. You've done that, she doesn't want help. Help your husband walk away. I know it sounds bad, but make him choose you/baby or his (unhealthy) mother. When she finally straightens up, then help him go back to her gradually. I'm not sure if that helps, but that's what I would do.

Jenna - posted on 07/17/2010

ok, first of all, your husband may need to start seeing a therapist in order to deal with the issues he has been dealing with all his life from his Mom. He needs to do this before he can honestly ever be ready to stand up to her. You guys have already let way too much transpire with her. I honestly don't feel she is a safe person at all for your children to be around!

I wish I could help you more, but there are sooo many issues in that posting that I can't even begin. Your husband needs to man up, and I know it is hard because he is the only son/child, but if it means he has to go to therapy first to deal with the demons then so be it.

Good luck! Keep us posted!