Intervention failed..now what?

Michaela - posted on 07/13/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My MIL loved me, until her son proposed. Since tehn it has been quite the rollercoaster ride. Our wedding turned out to be a disaster. She is the type of person that everything has to be about her no matter what. Starting with our engagement. She helped my husband with a downpayment on the ring. Nothing substancial since he wanted to do it on his own. So she decides that I should know that she helped. After weeks of having to hear about it everytime we saw her I finally asked my husband to be what she paid towards my ring and wrot eher a check in her kitchen and told her I never want to hear anything about it again, that I found it sad that she couldn't let her sons proposal to me be about us and she had to sqeeze her way in and make it about how wonderful she is. Then at my shower she was making a scene and said something in front of my grandmother that provoked my grandma to come up to me at the end of the day and say "don't worry honey, she will learn to love you again one day". The rehersal dinner started off fine, until she had a few drinks and decided she found it copletely absurd that her friends from work she invited (that we do not know) had to pay for drinks. We calmly explained to her that we were trying to be kind by giving each parent a guest list of 10 people. That the open bar tickets were only for immediate family and the bridal party, That cousins of mine I grew up with were paying for their drinks. Somehow she managed to convince my husband to not only get them drink tickets...but we wound paying the $120 for them! (My FIL, they are divorced, actually gave us the money after the wedding when he found out she never paid for them) At the reception several things took place, in sum she offended and ruined the evening of my parents and grandparents. So then that takes us to the after party the next day. She made my step sister cry twice and got SO out of line my husband actually asked her to leave. She was horribly offended and couldn't believe that we asked HER to leave!! About 6 months later I get my wedding album, and she wants to borrow it to show the people from work that she wanted to invite, but we wouldn't let her. I said no, accidents happen and I didn't want it to be an issue, there is a website with every photo taken that night that she can show them. This of course was not good enough and my husband caved and let her take it. I get it back, a week late, with a hole thru my head in the cover of it. Mind you we went all out on our album. I spent $450 on it and we got a great deal on it. It has been over a year and she still hasn't replaced it because "I don't want to spend that kind of money on an album full of pictures I don't want" So I kindly explained to her this was NOT about her getting her own album, this was about her replacing the one she broke and if she wants the damaged one she can have it. There is still a hole thru my head =( Over the past year since then, she guilts my husband ALL THE TIME says we don't spend enough time with her, and she has nothing good in her life except us. She tells him all the time that she has nothing to live for and is looking up online how many pills it will take to OD. She says this to her only son!! So we started talking about how to handle her in the event of having children, since at the time we were trying. I hav eto explain to her that unless she gets help for her drinking and depression I am not going to be comfortable with her babysitting......she plans on having her own nursery in her house for our child. Then we found out I am pregnant......so we set up "Grandparent Ground Rules" Soley based on his Mom. All parents understand why we had to do it and are okay with it....she on the other hand is furious. She is incredibly push y and overbearing and my husband writes everything she does off as "drunk and crazy" and that I need to get over it. She asks me in front of people about coming to my OB appointments, being n the delivery room, and has been ASKING us for over a year now to name our daughter after her (mind you, we hadn't even strated trying when she started asking). We kept telling her no, she kept brining it up. So I finally reminded her that I have a mother too, that I love deeply and see every week. This started a whole new mess of problems. She gets mad that I go to my Grandmas every saturday to see my Mom and Grandma (my husband stays home) that we should make time to see her every week too. She is upset that I refuse to name my child after her stating my Mom has two other kids to honor HER. My brother has no intention of getting married or having kids (he's 31) and my sister has pschysofrenia and CAN'T have kids. I reminded her of this and she still asks. She wants to furnish our nursery and I said thank you, but we are fine. Her motivation to do this is to get her foot in the door and guilt my husband into letting her over all the time. We tried an intervention last night over the drinking (the suicide comments are strictly for attention, which really makes me sick to my stomach, I have been there and find it disgusting she is willing to take something so serious so lightly for attention purposes) she basically told everyone to mind their own business and worry about tehir own lives. Everyone in her life at this point is done. The people taht showed up last night did so as a last ditched effort. My husband and I are the only two left in her life and I am terrified of how much things will get worse once the baby arrives if we don't take care of this now. PLEASE HELP ME!

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Crystal - posted on 08/02/2010

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I'm so sorry you have to deal with a crazy MIL. My MIL is pretty crazy. You basically have to put your foot down. Decide now what you want the boundries to be. You said you already set up "grand Parent ground rules" That is great! Just stick to them.if she gets out of hand, stop taking your baby over there. Make it clear that you won't bring the baby over any more. Tell MIL until her drinking is under control, she can only come to your house, INVITATION only. The point of an intervention is to give an ultimatum and stick to it. You've done that, she doesn't want help. Help your husband walk away. I know it sounds bad, but make him choose you/baby or his (unhealthy) mother. When she finally straightens up, then help him go back to her gradually. I'm not sure if that helps, but that's what I would do.

Jenna - posted on 07/17/2010

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ok, first of all, your husband may need to start seeing a therapist in order to deal with the issues he has been dealing with all his life from his Mom. He needs to do this before he can honestly ever be ready to stand up to her. You guys have already let way too much transpire with her. I honestly don't feel she is a safe person at all for your children to be around!

I wish I could help you more, but there are sooo many issues in that posting that I can't even begin. Your husband needs to man up, and I know it is hard because he is the only son/child, but if it means he has to go to therapy first to deal with the demons then so be it.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

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Michaela - posted on 01/17/2011

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Within his own race? I'm so sorry if she is being serious about that. It's a shame she would rather her son marry for color than love. I don't know how long you and your husband have been together...but it took mine 5 years and his mother completely making a fool of herself at our wedding to get him to finally see it. He didn't start seeing any of this until after I was pregnant and she decided she was going to be in the delibery room and read to the baby EVERY NIGHT and making comments like "this time next year I will be really busy with the baby" and so on........Thankfully he started to notice the overbearing behavior and the fact that just maybe I had been right about her intentions and feelings for me from the begining. (because her flat out telling me after our wedding that she is having a hard time accepting another woman is more important in her sons life didn't do the trick in itself) I am INCREDIBLY grateful that he finally not only sees it, but has begun to speak up to her on his own when a comment is made without any reaction or promting from me. I don't know about you.....but it was a long 5 years of nothing but screaming matches over her before we reached this point. And sadly...she is the only thing we have EVER fought about.

Diana - posted on 12/30/2010

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I have a crazy MIL too, so I understand your frustration. You are very lucky to have your husband stand by you especially when it comes to the well-being of your child.
My MIL is the same, always making everything about her, always trying to be the center of attention, and is always playing the victim. Recently she sent me a text message stating "you, my son, and your sons no longer exist in my life" after a disagreement. This was the week before my youngest son turned 1 year old. She till this day has not approached me to apologize, not even for saying this about our boys. My husband however has been talking to her here and there and even asked me to send her one of the holiday photo greeting cards I created online. I said No I will not send her a card, why would I send something so special to someone who clearly does not care for us. of course he like always says I'm too sensitive, need to get over it, making to much out of nothing, etc...! He doesn't see or want to see just how wrong and disrespectful his mother has been for a long time towards. She said to me once before we even had kids "I would have preferred if my son would have married within our own race" I mean that is pretty rude and hurtful thing to say. Granted she is entitled to her opinion and feelings but why verbalize this to me? Did she think I was going to apologize for not being her race? Never that! I really held my tongue with a lot of things before we had kids and even for some time after I had my first born - but enough is enough. I figure if my husband is not going to stand by me his wife and be about the well being of our children well guess I need to be "the bad guy" as they so love to refer to me as. I'm always "wrong" for wanting to protect my boys and frankly I've come to a point where I'm okay with this. What she thinks of me or refers to me is clearly not going to change - but I can change how I allow it to affect me. At the end of the day I will never stop taking care of and protecting my sons. It would be nice though if I had more support from my spouse. Again you are very lucky your husband is understanding and respectful of your concerns and supports to you on protecting your child.

Michaela - posted on 08/02/2010

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Thanks girls! We held a private intervention with her, just my husband and I. She seems to understand she needs help, and agreed to therapy and AA.....however, she has not followed thru and instead of "not drinking" she goes out of town for weekends and binges. My husband told her she would not babysit, or even be alone with our kids if she couldn't prove her progress. (letter from AA counselor, and her therapists.) I was reallt proud of him! Our visits with her have been sparatic up to this point, and Eric called her over the weekend and told her we knew she hadn't gotten any help yet. She never returned the call. At least at this point I know he is behind me on this and sees that even though he has found a way to deal with her, that our kids should not be put in that position. That is really all I have asked from him. I guess if she wants to be a partcipating Grandparent she knows what she needs to do.

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