Advice/Perspective

Holly - posted on 02/24/2010

Oh man! The two days I don't check this board and a whole issue is brought up AND resolved! Oiy... that's the last time I spend only a little time on here to prove to my hubby that I'm not "obsessed" with the internet and this particualr application! :P



Anyway, I totally agree with Hannah and Candice and I am SOOO happy that you and your hubby had a good talk and are trying to work together to figure things out! I feel like you are a lot, in fact my hubby and I had an argument along the same lines just a few days ago. He was complaining about how he's working all the time (which he is) and doesn't get to see the kids a lot (which he doesn't), but then, he goes on about how he feels his relationship with Sasha (the oldest) is suffering because he doesn't spend as much time with her as he used to. This is where I got angry. I MAKE SURE he and Sasha have plenty of opportunities to do "daddy daughter" things on the weekends and I never complain about staying at home, stranded and without a phone (we only have one car and one phone because of finances), with the two babies (ages 2 and 1). Also, I was saying OF COURSE he doesn't spend as much time with her as he used to! It was just the two of them for close to a year before I came into the picture and they spent almost all their time together (he only worked part time in the afternoons at that time - it's a lot cheaper to support two people than 5)! I just got so angry with him and asked why he never complains about not spending time alone with any of our other kids. His reason was that they're not old enough, but our 2 year-old is old enough - he just doesn't want to deal with changing diapers and potty training while out and about! Ugh...



Also, I completely understand what you said about the low self-esteem and not being able to take care of yourself. I am actually like that naturally. Even before I met my hubby I hated spending money on myself. Even now, I would rather spend money on the kids (whether they need it or not) than myself. My hubby, though, has been very good at forcing me to buy things for myself. He makes sure we go clothes shopping at least once every two months and he insitis on me getting my nails done and maintaining them. He is very self-concious about his own image and he thinks everyone should take the best care of themselves (he's also a salesman, so his image, and sometimes mine and the kid's, is what helps keep us afloat). Our kids don't always have brand new clothes, but their clothes are always clean and they always look presentable and neat. It is kind of an obsession with him, but in the 4 years since I met him I can really see what a difference all these changes has made to my self-esteem. I used to think I was pretty, but nothing to look twice at. Now, thanks to him, I really do feel pretty and both of us like it when I get comments from other people. So, I can really understand about how you must feel being used to doing those things for yourself and then not being able to do them at all.



I really hope it all works out for you guys hun!

Hannah - posted on 02/24/2010

Wahoo! another victory for the Custody Issues board! :)

Mandie - posted on 02/24/2010

Ok we had a talk, compromises reached- calendar in constrcution- thanks Hannah xoxoxoxo

Hannah - posted on 02/23/2010

I have been through a crap load of therapy and am very analytical. And the ironic part of my marriage is that in my vain effort to save it I dragged us to so many couples listening/talking seminars, and read so many relatiopnship books and tried so desperately hard - that yes - I give good advice.

Now - go make your calendar. :)

Mandie - posted on 02/23/2010

Hahahahahah you girls are so funny, that's exactly the laugh I needed and yr both right and that's why it's awesome to have you guys to talk to ;)
I definitely dont want them to stop, I just want it to be a litte more balanced and fair on the whole family. I have no problem at all with 1 night a week and the game on the weekend, it's the 2 days plus the weekend day that is hurting. Especially as I cant remember the last time he had a weekend off work, which means guess who normally has to do all the fetching and carrying and going alone to things. I sometimes feel like a glorified nanny. But now suddenly he will be able to get 2 week nights and 1 weekend day off work??
Hannah I see yr point and yes I am jealous. Yes his bioson (C) has been through alot, I wouldn't wish it on anyone and how the poor child hasn't lost his reason I'll never know.
But so have the rest of us and we would all like some time alone with him too, which up til now has somehow always been 'too hard' to manage with his roster. Also I forgot to mention before, I'm worried that he's doing this to overcompensate b/c his other son (H) who lives with BM gets alot of "things" and does alot of 'activities' and at present it feels like every time H gets something new- we have to do or get something too for C. Which I dont think is a good situation to foster either. Yr right that our bios are too young to notice but I guess I didnt want to wait to address this until they do notice. Already my daughter who is 3, notices how often he works nights and makes remarks about it so I figured it wouldn't take her long to notice this; but maybe yr right I should enrol her and I in a yoga class or something. B/c yr right I dont feel good about myself and I'm the only one who can change that. I totally agree with yr idea about sitting down with a calendar and sorting these days out- problem is with him being a shift worker 'night's' at home are a rare thing at the best of times, hence I'm so pissed about it. Particularly b/c over the yrs there have been things of mine that he has missed b/c of nightwork and I guess it hurts that he is making more of an effort to make this happen for his bioson than he ever has for me. But yr right , I do feel like I have given up more than him and there is nothing to be achieved in not talking about it and airing these things so I'll give it a go and see if we can work something out. Yr a very wise woman Hannah- thank you for helping me see a side of it that I wasn't seeing. You put it well too, you should write a book. So are you Candice and maybe I WILL go and get my hair and nails done today ;)

Hannah - posted on 02/23/2010

well I suppose, technically, legally, I am still married - although it certainly isn't for lack of trying! :)

Candice - posted on 02/23/2010

i am divorced. for a reason. lol

Hannah - posted on 02/23/2010

REMINDER: I AM NOT MARRIED! :) hmm maybe there is a pissy correlation there....

Candice - posted on 02/23/2010

see, Hannah, you are so much less pissy and so much more rational than me!
Mandie: listen to Hannah...not me!!!

Hannah - posted on 02/23/2010

Okay I write this coming from the woman who is NOT married - but rather from the perspective of a girl who grew up in a blended family.

First - life is not fair. We all know this.
Second - you sound like you have several issues here that are all getting tangled up. I suggest we break it down to each issue
- you used to take better care of yourself, and for a variety of reasons you do not do so any more. this has led to a drop in your own self worth and self esteem perpetrated by the fact no one in your family seems to care/notice that you want a little pampering. So you need to budget for hair dye once a month. And nails once a quarter. and you should sign up to take a baby and mommy or toddler and mommy yoga class. Do something with ONE of your little ones that also benefits yourself physicall and will improve your self image and feelings of self worth.
- next issue : money - a general lack of money to go around. Maybe this is an opportunity to re examine your budget. Maybe there is nothing to be done. But simply acknoledging this problem might help.
- Hubby spending too much time with evil ex and bio son compared to time being spent with rest of family. Guess what - this isn't a competition! there will be times when he spends more time with you, or more time with one child over another. this is part of the whole "life isn't fair". His bio son has a lot of trauma, an evil mom, two new sibs, a step mom. So what if dad is spending two nights a week dedicated to him, isn't that good? the other two are too young to notice that things are not being spread equitably. and each child have special one on one time with their parents isn't bad, as long as in the end no one child feels left out. What it really sounds like is YOU are the one who doesn't like him spending so much time alone with son. So who really has the problem here? and who is jelous? (I don't mean to sound calous! maybe this is the point where you say that you two need ONE date night every 10 days so that YOU feel important in HIS life too!)
- finally - I am hearing a lot of underlying resentment about everything you have given up. I know you are trying to say you don't mind, but really honey, you do! so what are you going to do about it?

In the end, I say sit down with a calendar and your goals. 1 night a week with bio son, 1 night every 10 days with just you, 1 night a week with entire family, 1 night a week with the kids so you have a night off, and 1 night a week where he has a night off. then schedule it out, so everyone agrees on it, and no one feels slighted.

And here is the marriage part of things - tell him you are feeling like you have given a lot up compared to him. that this is making you bitter and angry. that you two need to think of a way for you to overcome these feelings, and to feel like you have also gained a lot compared to what you have given up.

Good luck girl!

Candice - posted on 02/23/2010

oh! and go buy some hair dye and get your nails done. if he says anything, tell him that SOMEONE has to think about making YOU happy, so it might as well be YOU. :)

Candice - posted on 02/23/2010

what a crappy situation! seems like a no-win kinda thing. i mean, you can't really end it...you wanted them to do an activity together, so you can't be the bad guy who says "screw that!"...but then, he's kinda taken it and run with it, leaving you alone at home more (which i TOTALLY get would be annoying). Also seems like the financial issues haven't really been thought through.

It's funny how, as moms, we can list the 8 billion other things money could be better spent on, and how much we are willing to give up to keep our kids cared for. but geeze, we all need a little "pick me up" now and then, even if it comes from a bottle of hair dye!

i also love how men find it so hard to adjust their schedule...unless it's something THEY want to do...then suddenly their schedule is flexible and cleared!



unfortunately, i have no advice on how to fix this. i suck at relationships because of situations like this one. i get pissy. and men are hard headed. hopefully the other girls have better advice. :(