and a birthday thank you goes out to mr. lawyer and ms. judge

Candice - posted on 12/10/2009 ( 72 moms have responded )

1,721

18

305

Ok, so i haven't gotten any order yet...so no one get too excited for me. But i did get two pieces of birthday joy today.



First, my lawyer says no more fees. If legal aid re-assesses me before the case is done, he will finish it at no cost and to tell legal aid to cancel my certificate. he says he rarely bills them more than what i've paid them already. YAY.



The second was to hear the female judge tell my ex that his poor spending habits aren't K's fault and she shouldn't have to suffer because of them. She told him the next judge (the one who CAN make an order) will likely tell him the same thing and she sees no reason why he would qualify to make a claim of undue hardship to reduce his support amount.



She told him that according to the guidelines, he will either have to pay (dependent on the judge's interpretation) 1/4 of the amount listed for 4 kids (since he has other kids) or the full amount for 1 kid (so between $200 and $316/mo) and that his offer of $100 a month didn't even come close. when he said he didn't understand why the guidelines are so high, the judge said "i didn't make them. If you have debt, get a credit counsellor. but i'm not one. and there's no reason why you should pay less than every other child support paying parent in canada".



she also warned him that if we make an offer and he rejects it and it ends up being ordered the same or more, he will have to pay some of my legal costs. haha. maybe that will motivate him.



the likelyhood of him accepting the offer is slim though. My lawyer is offering the full $316. He doesn't see why he shoudl get a reduction since he's not paying the full guidline amount for his other kids...he's only paying $300. so even if i get $316 he'll be paying less than the guideline amount for 4 kids. We're also asking for arrears, and life insurance, and health insurance, and half of daycare costs if i lose my subsidy. He'll be pissed.



In court he said he's not fighting custody or visitation though. we'll see if he sticks to that when it comes time to sign off on it. but we can hope. either way, i had a nice smile on my face just hearing the judge put him in his place. it was a wonderful birthday gift.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

72 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

Merry Christmas all! We're having a big dinner at my MIL's house tonight and then driving to Nevada to have dinner with my family tomorrow! Fun stuff!

[deleted account]

Yikes! Sounds like a nightmare. Our latest is that- in the 2 families- wherever the kids are waking up is where 'Santa' goes and the other family does 'family' presents. This is done b/c BM and BD had always done 2 lots of presents and at the time we were trying to keep things as normal as possible; and also for both sets of bio-siblings that only get one set of presents, so that it's fair. However in the last few yrs BM has just done what she wants so now it seems the pattern has changed. Again. Grrrrr! Anyhoo, apparently this year she is doing 'family' presents as well as 'Santa' as they are waking up with her. EXCEPT youngest SS has already been told he's not getting the same amount as the other 4 kids (including her SS, who she supposedly hates) b/c he wont live with her. Nice hey? She wouldn't how to be a mother if the mothering instinct bit her in the butthole! Sorry ladies but REALLY?? What kind of mother could be that cruel??

Candice - posted on 12/21/2009

1,721

18

305

awww crap! that sucks. and i thought my christmas was gonna suck. YOU WIN!

[deleted account]

Driving to Fresno tonight (2.5 hour drive for me) with child. Court ordered Psych evaluations for both son and myself. $1300. MErry christmass to all.

[deleted account]

Holly, that's where I am! How funny! Hannah no i havent but would love to. Also wishing you luck for yr next court date and hopefully the judge will be good and mad and really stick it to him! The mumzer hahahahaha!

[deleted account]

Holly - you know what is going to happen? We are going to wind up in SFO international terminal together like three years from now. :)

[deleted account]

So on the random news side of things and simply because I need to gripe to people who will understand:
We may wind up filing contempt of court charges against my ex for not hiring the forensic CPA and not turning over documents to us that we have requested that he is required to give, (like his 08 tax returns) so we can establish child support. AGH! WHY? why does he make everything as difficult as possible? I just don't understand?

Meanwhile -
I have a date tomorrow! Actually a second date - went on first date last saturday. :)

[deleted account]

Me too Hannah! My husband's best childhood friend and her family just moved to Brisbane, so our chances of visiting over there are a lot better now too! That's weird...

[deleted account]

I have always wanted to visit Oz - and of course now that I have a friend living in Melbourne the possibility became a lot more real. It will be awhile nonetheless. Have you ever been to Cali?

The only thing i've killed with my car is a squirrel. but that is probably the only thing my car could kill. hehe.

[deleted account]

Yeh it's up there with the grossest things that have happened to us I must say. The roadkill Kangas were swiftly left behind so as not to upset the kids (and me- I HATE it when we hit wildlife, although it cant be helped). The main problem is that it's so very dry here there's nothing for them to eat and when it does rain, the grass by the roadside of the main highway North is where the greenest grass grows. Then about once a month the grass at the the roadside gets mown by the local coucil and the Kanga's LOOOOVE it, b/c they get a good feed. Sadly tho, the time they choose to feed is after dark, then they get mesmerised by the headlights and jump straight at them. Most Qlders who have a long distance to travel will do so at night b/c the kids are sleeping so it's less painful and there's less traffic on the highway North, which at times is little more than a wide goat track.
BD is from Far North Queensland, literally the outback to the Reef so being a country boy, is pretty pragmatic about roadkill, but it does my head in. He is good about making sure they are actually dead tho. Once a year we drive to Cairns and Townsville (tropical North Qld) to visit his friends which is a 16 hr drive, literally one end of the state to the other. But it is truely God's country ladies, if you ever get a chance to come here, that's where you should go.

[deleted account]

uh yeah - Mandie you definitly get gross story award! I was able to step out of my clothes, kick them into the washer, and hop in the shower. Not being able to would have killed me I think.

my only question is: And did you at least the roadkill Kangas?

[deleted account]

Actually, you know what, we were so exhausted that it was really quite funny and me and BD just lay on the floor and laughed ourselves HOARSE when we realised the washing machine had died as well.

Candice - posted on 12/17/2009

1,721

18

305

i think hannah will agree, that story is even worse than hers! thanks for putting it all in perspective ladies! haha! as usual, you make my life seem easy. lol

[deleted account]

Wow- I had that about a month ago. We travelled to central western Queensland (imagine Priscilla Queen of the Desert scenes, literally tumbleweeds etc) to pick up my dad's caravan from where he works for 9 days a fortnight, b/c he is moving into other accomodation. We are the only ones in the family with a 4WD ( I believe you guys call them SUV's) so we're it, and me and BD and all the troops headed up there- about a 12 hr drive- overnight. We hit MANY kangaroos and other wildlife, despite our best efforts to the contrary- one kangaroo actually dented the ENTIRE right side of the car as it rolled down the car- a BIG Nissan Pathfinder with all the outback bits and pieces- so no mean feat basically. To explain a bit- you cant swerve to avoid them as they usually leap into the direction you swerve and some of them are bigger than cattle so if you hit them head on, people die basically.
Anyhoo, after a harrowing journey, we get there, and our accomodation on the way back is, of course, said caravan, which my parents want to sell. So, on the 1st night the 3 yr old begins puking- ALL OVER THE CARAVAN. So no sleep had, which is not fabulous when you have another 12 hr journey ahead of you. Then this bug goes thru the lot of us and when we get home there is no hot water as the hot water system has sh*t itself, followed a few days later by the washing machine, which takes almost 2 weeks to be repaired. So.... 6 people's worth of puke, in a caravan with no power, followed by no way to clean ourselves or our soiled clothes and bedding for quite some time. FUN!! Welcome to Oz ladies bahahahahah!

Candice - posted on 12/17/2009

1,721

18

305

nice stories Hannah! you win the "my ex is a shmuck" prize AND the "grossest mom story" prize. I'm just glad this time K puked at home! last time she puked on the santa display at the mall! luckily, not on santa tho! haha. I have done more puke laundry this month than i ever want to do in my life. and i'm THRILLED that i bought the couch with machine washable slipcovers! lol

[deleted account]

and vomitting baby is NO fun. I remember when my son had the vomits last year- picking him up out of the crib and he proceeded to vomit down the front of me. It ran down my shirt into my underwear! Prbbaly one of the grossest moments I have ever had as a parent. Then the best thing is running down to the grocery store for some pedialite and standing in line at the check out and suddenly, yup, you guessed it, I got the same thing my kid had! Lucky I felt it coming on and ran for the exit and the garbage can just in time. It was so gross and embarrassing!

[deleted account]

My nephew has croup. we're trying to avoid it this year. Last year we spent Feb - may sick. My son even wound up hospitalised with pneumonia. (called BD at 8:30 pm when our son was being admitted, he didn't bother calling me back until I called him AGAIN the following morning after morning rounds. Then he actually tried to blame the whole thing on me! drove up and proceeded to camp out in the hospital room for two days. If he tried that this year I would have him forcibly removed by security. last year - well I had only left him two months earlier and was a lot nicer still. those two days still stand as the most time he has spent with his son all year! seriously pathetic! 8 visits in 11 months.)

[deleted account]

Oh No poor little K!! Fingers crossed here too ;( Come on Santa, give Candice and K a really nice Xmas this yr xoxoxo

Candice - posted on 12/16/2009

1,721

18

305

update: on the plus side, exams are done and went well. on the down side, K is vomitting, again. This is her fourth bout of illness in about 2 or 3 months. i told her dad but i'm so pissed i said nothing after i informed him by text of what was going on. he replied...i never did. he hasn't asked since this morning how she is, so why should i bother telling him. fingers crossed the kid stops puking.

[deleted account]

I personally think my ex-hsband has Boderline PErsonality Disorder. The breaks from reality, shifting of blame, twisting everything to suit his needs. And mine "treats" his issues with alcohol. But of course he insn't an alcoholic - he is a successful business owner (he is a CLASSIC "Functional" alcoholic). But there is nothing wrong with him, of course. and nothing is EVER his fault. And I am the one holding his son hostage - it is all MY fault!

The joke use to be that I was just giving my ex plenty of rope to hang himself with his behavior. These days I have stopped giving him rope, it isn't necessary. He already buys it in BULK!

I am with you Candice - the less they see of each other, the better it is for my son!

Holly- my son and I are living in Pleasanton but I was living in Fresno, and that is where my ex still is. So all of the divorce proceedings etc are in Fresno.

Candice - posted on 12/15/2009

1,721

18

305

no, it's not a bad thing at all. the longer this goes on, the less i want her to see him. i used to push him to see her more...not anymore. the less she's exposed to his BS the better.

[deleted account]

OMG yes definitely narcissitic- if they werent different genders and living on different continents I'd wonder if we were talking about the same person- so much of that sounds exactly the same- even the wording for heaven's sake! I just wondered if BM had BP as well b/c she does get SUPER manic on top of all that but it doesnt sound like yr ex does. I feel sorry for his mom too but clearly she's enabling this behaviour in him. Poor kids esp K as she's on the edges of his life, but maybe that's not such a bad thing?

Candice - posted on 12/15/2009

1,721

18

305

Good to hear all is well Holly. it's good that it is for someone. lol.
and Mandie: i doubt he's bipolar. I've never seen signs of manic behaviour. He has been treated multiple times since i've known him for depression (unless it was a lie to make me feel bad, but i've seen him get pretty messed up so i believe it) but every time he does get meds he's off them in a week..."doesn't believe in medication". and he would never dare get counselling. (he won't even let his kids get counselling, and THEY need it BAD). He's just so disgustingly self involved that any time things go his way he's happy, and when they don't, he flips out. And nothing is his fault or his responsibility. Even his own emotions and behaviour are not his fault or his responsibility. Funny example of the effect of this on his kids. His son yelled at his daughter for being loud. The ex giives the daughter shit for being loud but doesn't give the son shit for SWEARING in front of all the other kids (including my daughter who has picked up "shut up" from him at 19 mos old). Just shows he blames his own bad behaviour on other people, and is passing that idea on to his kids. the sad part is, his life is in ruin, but since none of it is his doing (in his mind) he can never fix it. It's sad to watch someone destroy their own life. But his mom is no help...i'm sure she feeds his narcissism. i'm sure she's ssittting there right now saying "my poor baby doesn't deserve to be treated like this"...ugh. every time he fucks up she saves him so he nevre really learns the consequences of his actions. and just like your situation, if the kids interrupt his plans, he dumps them on her. they see more of her than him (he always works when he has his kids...6 days a month max and he works)...and if he works in the morning, guess who gets up with K if she wakes up...not him..his mom. poor woman.
And yes, he was trying to control me by playing the depressed sap card. "oh poor me, i can't afford to pay child support, oh poor me, i'm gonna have to get another job and spend less time with my kids...is that what you want???" of course, he has no concept of just SPENDING LESS MONEY ON HIMSELF...cuz that would go against him being SELFISH. he has said before "what! do you want me to have no life??? if i pay i'll have no social life!" ...aww poor you. the guy spends 700$ a month on a car...i can't afford a car because I PAY MY DAUGHTER"S EXPENSES!!! It's the same line he used when we were together and he refused to help with night shift baby care "what! Do you want me to be a zombie???" YES I DO BECAUSE I AM A ZOMBIE TOO!..ugh.
Oh..and he can't say anything to me without fishing for compliments about what a wonderful person he is. he cant' do anything for anyone without mentioning it to me in an attempt to get me to say "awwww, aren't you great"...but i have stopped doing it. i just pretend he didn't say it and change the subject. so yeah, i'm sticking with Narcissistic. and maybe a diagnosis of asshole. :)

[deleted account]

Oh goodness ladies! A lot has been going on while I was disconnected from you all!

Candice - God luck hun! He sounds like an asshole with the Narcassistic Personality Disorder (I should know, my daughter's bm has it too...). Just know that YOU are the one providing for YOUR child, and he is not. Sperm does not make a father, love does, so your ex, in my book, is not really a father to YOUR daughter... Keep your head high and keep up the fight!

Hannah - Ugh... I hate the CA system too! My husband and I are in the Sac area and it's ridiculous how much we have to go through for even the simplest orders! Also, when my 26 month-old daughter started climbing out of her crib (at 23 months) we went and bough her a toddler bed - she loves it AND she gets to be a big girl! :)

Mandie - "oxygen theif" HA HA HA HA HA!!! I'll have to keep that one in mind - it's GREAT!!! I hope things are well with you guys - did anything ever come from your husband's ex's twitter comments about you? I know you can't talk about it a lot on here, but if you want or need to talk abou it send me a message! I hope you're doing well hun!

Things are going well here right now. Our daughter's bm has not yet received the papers for our petition to make me a joinder on the case, but I have told her that we are making the motion and she didn't flip out as I expected. Also, she has our dauhter for Christmas this year and she just informed us that instead of taking our daughter all the way to Kansas (where the bm lives) they are staying here in Sac with the bm's grandparents. So we don't have to worry about our daughter flying in those crazy weather systems, which is a huge relief. It's also nice knowing our daughter's a lot closer to us around the holidays, even though her bm is being spiteful and won't let us see our daughter for even an hour on Christmas day (her argument is that we get the rest of the time, and I really can't argue with it that much since we do...). But, all in all it is quiet in the Stanley household and we are all happy, healthy and full of Christmas cheer! :)

Ahhhhh... it is GOOD TO BE BACK!!! :D

[deleted account]

PS- he was probably hoping to guilt you into agreeing not to make him pay and when you stood yr ground he went off. We've had that too.

[deleted account]

Do you know Candice that's so bizarre but that's what I think BM has too. But also the same, is not self-aware and therefore any help is limited to what she tells her latest Dr is happening. You know, as opposed to the reality.
Also that behaviour sounds very familiar- either friendly/flirtatious with BD or terrifyingly angry- nowhere in between- it's all black or white. Any civility on our part is interpreted either as he wants her back/we're all just the best of buddies and we get invites for coffee or beers; and if we stand our ground then we're all mortal enemies- no middle ground. And the same with the kids too- if time with them stands in the way of her plans they get shafted on to someone else to babysit. I have also wondered about Bipolar and yr ex sounds a bit the same too?

Candice - posted on 12/14/2009

1,721

18

305

i'm convinced he would qualify for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. but he'll never get help anyway, so a diagnosis is pointless. It's really not funny at all. It's been over a year that i've dealt with his crazy mood swings and it's pissing me off. i also hate seeing the results on his kids (not just K but his other kids suffer for his craziness). if you consider that right before we went in to court, he was chatting me up, joking around, and told me he knew he'd have to pay $350 a month...then half an hour later, when told it would be LESS than that, he FLIPS OUT anyway and blames me for it...it's really insane. oh yeah..also posted a song video on his profile saying "this is for my kids..i love you guys"...on the weekend he DITCHED HIS KIDS! and part of the song lyrics written on the video were "i think of you even when we're apart" and "we'd be together if we could"...ugh..YOU COULD you shithead but YOU CANCELLED ON ALL OF THEM (not just k, he cancelled on his other kids too). he's a selfish bastard.

[deleted account]

Oh right, I thought you must have given him the offer already. I'm not being funny here but does he have a mental illness? He sounds very unstable between the self-harm threats and the Fb tantrum and everything in between?

Candice - posted on 12/14/2009

1,721

18

305

he doesn't have a lawyer. his temper tantrum was about the court result on thursday...it was a premature temper tantrum if you ask me...since nothing was ordered and he still has a few months at least until he's forced to pay anything. but "temper tantrum" is accurate.

[deleted account]

Well at least school is nearly done for the year. So I'm guessing now that yr lawyer has approached his and this temper-tantrum on FB is about him being unhappy with the offer?

Candice - posted on 12/14/2009

1,721

18

305

no, he will never change. exam went well. last one tomorrow. thanks for askimg and for the support

[deleted account]

OMG CANDICE HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?? Oops sorry for caps- caps-lock got stuck on and I cant be bothered to re-type that. What a big baby though!! They ARE his children too- all of them. Some men just dont get it do they??

Candice - posted on 12/14/2009

1,721

18

305

so apparently, he posted something pretty nasty about me and his other ex on his facebook status, part of which was that we are "lazy and just milking the system". HAHAHA. LAZY? yeah, ok. i take care of YOUR daughter AND do my schoolwork AND all the doc appointments, flu clinic visits, late nights, sick days from daycare, and all ON MY OWN MONEY...and i'm LAZY and MILKING THE SYSTEM??? pretty priceless i must say. he's so busy whining about how paying will affect his life that he has never once stopped to think how NOT PAYING will affect HIS DAUGHTER's life. ugh.

[deleted account]

Okay, i haven't read all the replies yet, but my internet has been off since Friday (long story involving my neighbor not paying his bill and the comcast guy getting the address wrong... on Friday night at 6 pm - and they don't work weekends!).



So, HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY CANDICE!!! :)



Also, I will post more later when I get a chance to read all the replies, but I have to go make dinner now! :)

Candice - posted on 12/13/2009

1,721

18

305

there was no judgement. and no idea. The plan now is to take what the judge "advised" and make him an offer (which we have a pretty good feeling he will refuse), then depending on his reaction go from there. IF he accepts, it's over. if he refuses, my lawyer files a motion. then a judge can make at least a temporary order. The only major glitch will come if he is so mad about support that he fights custody. Then we could be dealing with this much longer, but the end result will be the same. He and i never lived together and K's lived with me since birth...aside from a host of other reasons, it's unlikely he'd ever win even joint custody, but it would cause delays. oh well, one step at a time. tomorrow i have an exam early in the morning, and another the next day. so off to bed for me. gnite ladies.

Candice - posted on 12/13/2009

1,721

18

305

i actually can't blame the system for how long it took to get to court. they scheduled the date within 2 months of my requesting one...but there were delays. if it went as planned, then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. but the system sure does leave holes for asshole exes to delay the process for a long time.

[deleted account]

Yes I hear you, mine can apparently climb up ontot my (HIGH!!) bed and and get back down by himself- yikes! And yes I agree with the govt statement ;(

[deleted account]

So between the three of us we have three fairly defunct governmental child support/custodial systems? Is that what I am hearing?

[deleted account]

Oh Candice- 2 more days girl and then you can really relax and enjoy the hoildays and that lovely snow- good lucka dn we will be thinking of you.

Hannah yes that's abit what it's like here too, so sad for farming families.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms