Go ahead- take me to court!

[deleted account] ( 33 moms have responded )

So my son turns 2 tomorrow and about two weeks ago this fact dawned on his father. His father who hasn't tried to see him in almost 7 months. His father suddenly decided to register at the supervising agency and complete his orientation. Bummer - the first availiable weekend visit was at the END OF FEBRUARY! so his father tried to get the agency to force me to come in on a weekday. I simply explained to the supervising agency that it would be a financial hardship for me to come in on a weeday. They were, rather sympathetic to me, to say the least. I generally do no mix up $$ issues with visitation as a rule - but doing a mid day visit would have required me to take half a day off from work, so there is that lost income, plus the cost of transportationa nd 50% of the cost of the visit. That is pretty much my entire budget for disposable income (aka unexpected doctors visits) for the entire month. So then the mumzer requests the agency to write a letter tothe courts stating my non compliance. I am fine with this - the agency simply will put each of our reasons for not being able to make the visit in the letter, I typed up my reason, signed my release of information form and sent it off right away to the agency. I have NOTHING to hide.

So THEN - the mumzer emails me and gives me two options - 1. I can do supervised visitation down in Fresno (which means our 2 year old son would sit in the car for 3 hours each way for a 2 hours visit) OR 2. we can forgo the supervised visits all together, I mean, it isn't really necesarry is it? (because when teh court orders it, it obviously isn't necessary)

I of course responded with a simple, "neither of those options are acceptable"

He then said he had a letter from the agency stating how I was being uncooperative and threatening to take me back to court.

First off - the agency hasn't even written a letter yet because HE hasn't turned in his release of information form!

Second of all - haul me back to court! I would like to see him explain how I am the uncooperative one! Since I am our childs current sole financial provider! Since HE is the one who hasn't seen his son of his OWN choosing. Go ahead - I would really like to move things along here and have a resolution to this whole custody and divorce issue sooner rather than later. Most of hte reason why it has taken so long is his ineptitude and inability to respond to any reasonable offer, so we wind up having to take him to court for EVERYTHING.

So yeah - take me back to court! I want to see the judge laugh at you!


now I feel better.

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[deleted account]

I am SOOO glad Robbie is only two and has no idea what he is "missing" with his dead beat father out of his life right now. Dreading the day he "knows better".

Fish Hatchery - that is SO COOL! I haven't been to one of those in probably ten years! The weather here has been AMAZING -so beautiful! I think we are going to the coast this weekend, just for the heck of it! We spent this last weekend hanging out at the park with my nephew (3 months old than my son) and my niece (6 months older than my son). The result - three tuckered out toddlers! every mom's dream! hehe....

[deleted account]

Any time Mandie! I lvoe having you girls here too! It's great having someone other than my hubby and MIL to talk to sometimes. :P



So, today was supposed to be the day Sasha's visit was going to start with her bm... no word from bm since that stupid phone call to our daughter, so Sasha's with us and we're going to the fish hatchery to see all the baby fishies from last winter's spawning time! :) What fun to have the whole vacation month with Sasha instead of trying to squeeze everything we wanted to do in just 2 weeks!

[deleted account]

Keira, Holly is right- Hannah is your woman on that subject, she's smart and knows her stuff.

Candice yr exactly right and I tried to delicately put that to him by saying that we know he doesnt want to go but (as he has told us after his last 2 visits) that when he goes he DOES have fun some of the time and that he should try to concentrate on that and how much he would miss his sisters at his mom's house if he didnt go there etc.... I just think he's WAY too young to make decisions like that right now. I gave him the example of my mom- we have a difficult relationship- and how I'm 37 and although she drives me nuts I do still want to see her from time to time etc.... fingers crossed it works ;(

Holly, thanks hun, and yr right, that's the sort of thing that happens with our Bm too. It really does help to have you girls- for advice and perspective and a few laughs too ;)

[deleted account]

Kiera - I do not really know anything about getting supervised visits, but Hannah is a really good person for advice on that!

Mandie - Oh honey! Poor boy, and poor you! It is SOOOO hard when situations such as that arise. I remember after Christmas when our daughter came home from a visit with her bm she asked me if she really had to go see her bm again. She told me she's sick and tired of doing "things" and not really spending time with her bm (for example, they go see lots of movies, but what kind of quality time is that?). It's sad, but it happens. Know I am always thinking of you hun!

Candice - posted on 02/14/2010

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that is SOOO sad. i don't even know what to say. but i do know that kids can be fickle. My ex's kids would say that when they had to go back to their mom...but as soon as they saw her they were happy to see her. it sadly is often best to wait till they are old enough to decide logically...but it doesn't make it any less sad, or difficult to watch.

[deleted account]

Keira,
I live in Australia so unfortunately my advice cant help you as far as law is concerned. I wish you all the best tho xoxox

OMG Candice my hubby and I also nearly peed ourselevs with yr post!! That's awesome ; )
For Hannah tho- I have no idea how you would broach that, my SS's are nearly teens and I still dont know how to discuss their mother's violence with them ;(
Holly- I think what you say to S is right on- not much else you can do

So ijust spent the afternoon with youngest SS begging me not to 'make' him go back to his mother's ;( he even sent me texts about it while we were sitting in the same car having a family Valentine's Day outing. So i spent ages explaining to him that it's not up to me and his dad and that we have tried EVERYTHING legally with no luck.... his response? "Let me tell the judge then!!" so I had to explain it's not that simple and the most a judge would do is make her go back to supervised visits but he'd still have to see her etc etc etc blah blah (me wanting to scream with frustration that all these yrs we've told them to ask if they want help and now he's asking and i CANT freaking help him grrrr!) and also TRYING to do the right and mature thing and tell him that he's too young to make the decision to completely cut her from his life and that if he did he might regret it as he got older (this is b/c if he told her this now, she is the type that would wipe him FOR LIFE, no questions asked) and the poor child looks at me like I'm an idiot and goes "But I dont NEED her, I have YOU!!" Oh dear god in heaven how does one respond to THAT?? I'm delighted for me of course, but isn't that THE saddest thing you have ever heard out of a child's mouth?? He doesn't NEED his own mother??

[deleted account]

Keira - there is a history of domestic violence and alcohol abuse on my ex husbands part. That gave me cause to fear for the safety of my child and get the courts to grant supervised visits. If your child's father has no strikes against him (history of abuse, of something or to someone) then getting supervised visits can be difficult - although not impossible. If you need more details just message me and I will divulge what I know.

Keira - posted on 02/13/2010

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how did you get your visit's to be supervised? I'm trying to work on a way to do that???? any suggestions???

[deleted account]

Well, whenever Sasha asks me why her bio mom never calls I just say "I don't know, honey. That's something you'll have to ask her when you can." That way, I am not lying to our daughter (I really truly have no idea why the woman never calls her child) and I am not making excuses for that excuse for a woman. Sasha has asked me a few times why her bm left her for "B - the bm's husband" (the bm ran away from CA to Tennessee to be with "B," some guy she met on the internet, so all Sasha knows is that her bm left and now lives with someone else, therefore, in her mind her bm pulled a "switcheroo"). I just tell her "I don't know why, but I am here and I love you soooooo much, and your daddy is here and he loves you soooooo much too, and we will never leave you." She seems content with that answer, but I am thinking she will start asking her bm all these questions soon as well. Then, not only will I get crap from the bm (she'll most likely think my hubby or I put some ideas into Sasha's head when in actuallity Sasha tinks up these wuestions all by herself), but I'm sure Sasha will get some bullsh** answer as well. Oh well, all I can do is tell her the truth (edited for her age of course!) and know that Sasha will understand it all in the end.



Although I do like your suggestions as well Candice... "Let's go buy him a dictionary!" HA HA!!! :D



Hannah - Good luck in court hun! You are on my calendar :) I really hope you get to laugh at him along with the judge... It is just too funny when people think they don't have to care for their children at all... well it's actually sad, but I have to find some humor in it all or I'll go crazy! :P Anyway, I'll be thinking of you!

[deleted account]

AND - "Why did you leave Daddy?"

"Well honey you know how you know not to hit people, and when you do things that hurt people's feelings you know to say I'm Sorry? Well your daddy never learned those lessons"

[deleted account]

OMG Candice I almost peed myself laughing over your comments.



BTW - got notice in the mail - I actually am being taken to court! HA! April 19th is the day. Two and half freaking months away. He is trying to have the child support amount reduced claiming he doesn't have any money. Really I cannot wait to laugh at him.

Candice - posted on 02/08/2010

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you know hannah, it really is sad. i often think of what he's missing out on...but more i think of my daughter (or others whose fathers are worse...like your son). i can't help wonder what i will say to her when she says "mommy, howcome everytime i see daddy, he has to go to work" or "howcome daddy doesn't want to see me in between weekends?" or any of those questions. what do i say? "well, honey, it's not that daddy doesn't love you, it's just that he loves himself more!" or "well, dear, he's just a self interested bastard who can't make time for his kids 6 days a month, nevermind more than that". yes, i know...i won't actually say those things, but god, coming up with something else is gonna be hard. maybe i'll try "do you know what responsibility is?"..."yes mommy"...."well your dad doesn't. let's go buy him a dictionary!" lol. ok, maybe not. but hey...at least her dad SEES her sometimes...i can only imagine how YOU would instinctively answer questions like that.

[deleted account]

I do miss you guys too when this board goes quiet. I lik the diversity on this board. I sometimes bop into the young mother's board but get tired of all of the stupid people on there who try and offer medical advice when they shouldn't. And then get offended when you tell the mom to go see her child's pediatrician. And sometimes I bop into the single mom's boards - but those are mostly man hating, man bashing boards, and "how will I ever live without him" or "will I ever find someone else..." which is just plain ANNOYING. I mean - I am not dating anyone right now, but I know one day I will find someone far superior than my ex. And I am in no rush to find him. Because I am busy taking care of a 2 year old! All we do here is bash stupid birth parents and come up with creative nicknames for describing them. hehe.



Yeah - I can't believe he didn't even call! He at least called on Christmas Day. This weekend marks 7 months since his last visit! I should stop beign surprised but really? this is bordering on neglect! I mean - the last time he saw our son, he wasn't walking! eh - i mean we are all kinda glad he didn't call, just goes more in my favor the longer he stays away. But we are kind of sad too. He is missing out so much! And he doesn't even know it! He is too wrapped up in himself and the indignity of a supervised visit, to realise all that he is missing out on.



And CAndice I have plenty of positive Male role models in my son's life to make up for his lack of dad.

Candice - posted on 02/07/2010

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haha, i missed you guys too. maybe misery really does love company! lol. but seriously, we all KICK ASS for coping as well as we do! and it's always nice to see other moms work their butts off to be good parents, no matter how hard it is.

[deleted account]

You know what, I can't help but think about how much all these deadbeat parents we all have to deal with are missing out! Even yours, Mandie, who does see her kids fairly regulary and yet can't seem to enjoy her kids because all her actions are reserved for hurting you and your hubby! It's just plain ridiculous that all these people are so much more focused on THEIR needs and hurting us, that their kids are the ones actually feeling the hurt and pain! It's horrible and sad to think about... Good thing the kids have all of us! :)



Mandie - that story brought tears to my eyes! I am sooooo glad you had to go to thet house when you did! You probably saved those kid's lives!



Hannah - Not even a call? What a waste of space on this earth... He doesn't deserve the title of "father" in the least... Ugh...



Candice - You go girl! You DON'T need him and you NEVER will! He is so delusional it's almost funny... :D



Glad to hear from you gals! It was getting kinda quiet on here again and I realized how much I miss you guys when that happens! :)

[deleted account]

Good for you Candice and you know what? Yr male friends who WANT to spend time with her will prob mean more to her than he will as he she gets older- very sad but he's got no one to blame but himself.

Candice - posted on 02/07/2010

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oh yeah, he is a total narcissist. it's all about him. and yeah, he wants me to think he's...correction...to TELL HIM he's great. he also wants me to NEED him...which i don't. so he wants me to call and say "oh, can you please spend time with her for MY sake, cuz i NEED you"...and i have vowed to never do that again. i sometimes offer him time with her when i'm doing school stuff, but only because of her sake...if he refuses the time, i don't care for MY sake. there are other people who would LOVE to spend time with her if i need help.

[deleted account]

Oh Hannah that's rough, how could he forget little man's birthday?? And I agree about the licence part- have actually joined a group on FB about how you should have to have a licence to procreate hahahaha!
Candice- I can see what yr saying- our BM is supposedly happily married- but she seems to think all her exes are still 'hers', I just wondered if he sees it that way, more than an attempt to 'get you back'- just that yr his and in his mind there is still a connection for that reason. Or maybe he's just useless and expects everyone to take care of his responsibilities for him- since he does this to his other kids' mom too?

[deleted account]

A big part of me things it is awful that we have to get a marraige license, but nothing - no license, no education, no classes, NOTHING to be parents. I mean my god!

Not that it would've helped in my situation really. I just try not to get down on myself too much for not just procreating but Marrying and procreating with such a waste of air!

Meanwhile- my son's birthday has come and gone and not even a phone call from his father. Why am I not surprised?

Candice - posted on 02/07/2010

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mandie, part of what you say is true...but part may not be. yes, it's always been more about US than K. that's why i left him. but this month is also his anniversary with his new girlfriend...so no, i don't think he's trying to get back with me in any way. but you are right, he's probly trying to get me to contact him and beg him to take her in between...which i refuse to do. in fact, he's gonna get an ear full for saying it in front of her and not following through. she may not be 2 yet, but she understands more than he thinks...and soon she'll understand time too...and i'll be damned if i let him hurt her by letting her down.

[deleted account]

And yes Holly I find it unbelieveable too- one of the main reasons I had to leave Policing before I went mad- the frusration of, for instance- at one job, going in and finding 4 children (undre the age of 5) in an inner city squat, no doors and windows blocked out. I went into the 2 'bedrooms' to find that the kids were obviously sleeping on plastic bags filled with dirty clothes and nappies, which were piled up as rough mattresses. Nothing even resembling a toy or book in the place. The kids were all FILTHY and half-clothed- did I mention it was winter- and the youngest was about 6 months and very obviously malnourished. I was talking to mum- I was actually there for her partner who was wanted- and was quietly glancing around for eveidence of bottles, formula etc- hoping that he was bottle fed b/c she was stoned out of her gourd. The only baby's bottle I could see in th whole place had been converted to a bong- so I couldn't help myself and said "Where's bub's bottles?' So she goes "Oh here love" and takes the cone out of the bong and tips the bong water out and stuffs a rotten old bit of toilet paper in the hole then goes over to the sink and gets a DISGUSTING milk bottle with SOLID milk in it asnd tries to pour some in the bottle. So I grabbed the baby and the other kids and took them outside to play with my partner and called our Child Proection unit and tried to speak to mum thru gritted teeth about why her babies were now coming with me. All this during the same week I miscarried for the 4th time (before my daughter was born). As I've said before ladies- oxygen thieves.

[deleted account]

God Candice that must be soooo frustrating! Can I suggest something- that prob has occurred to you anyway- it sounds like- with his 'availability' comment- that he THINKS you still want to be with him and he's playing 'coy'- like when you're dating someone and you dont want to seem too keen- b/c he's hoping you will push the issue of when he will see K next. Clearly b/c in his mind- NOT in reality- it's not really about K but rather when YOU will see him?? He sounds narcissitic enough to believe that's where you are coming from. And maybe that's what him not getting organised with the agency is about? That he thinks you will fix it for him b/c he thinks you want to see him? I only ask b/c that what our BM thinks- that for Pat it's not really about the kids but when he gets to see her next b/c he is still in love with her (and that he's only with me 'b/c you are nicer to him than I am'- I KNOW, go figure, but however.....) The point I'm trying to make is maybe this is all about him making it about the 2 of you and your 'relationship' and that's why K is not his priority here??

[deleted account]

Exactly Mandie! It's a shame these people even exist (not to mention the fact that we have to deal with their crap) when there are so many good people out there who are dying to have kids of their own and can't. ::sigh:: Honestly, it's fairly disgusting to me...

Candice - posted on 02/06/2010

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mandie, you're so right. there are at least 3 guys i know who wish they could be K's father...including paying the child support! and this dink of an ex of mine has 4 that he just can't seem to put ahead of himself. not to change the subject...but since i'm here...that friggin shmuck says when he drops her off last weekend "well, see you in two weeks...or sooner..i'll check my availability"...yeah, right. sure you will. he hasn't seen her between weekends in MONTHS. and ALL his days off are on days he doesn't have her...so he HAS availability...just won't use it to see his kids. SHMUCK.

[deleted account]

Well Miss Holly I'm glad yr feeling little better, but Candice is right- what is WRONG with these people?? I'd be so very ashamed of myself if ever, no matter what the situation or how justified I felt, I put my need for revenge before my kids. It just makes me so mad that people like this are allowed to be around kids when there are so many decent people who CANT have kids that SHOULD be parents.

Candice - posted on 02/06/2010

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SMUCKS! that's the word i'd use for them both. although i'm not sure it does them justice.

[deleted account]

We're doing well, thanks for asking. It was hard, but the best decision for our family. We actually faced something very similar with our younget except she looked to be developing fine and yet we could find no heartbeat. The docs told us she was not viable and then, right before we were going to abort, there was a heartbeat! She is a perfectly healthy little girl (who will be 1 on the 13th!) and she is truly my miracle baby. In this case though, the embryo never developed past the 3 week stage (and it was stuck at that stage in the ultrasounds for 2 weeks before that) meaning it wasn't viable at all. In the end, we decided we would much rather abort it than wait for the inevitable misscarriage. As a result, my emotions and hormones are back in control and I'm not being so dramatic or stressed out about everything.



Also, since this thread is about daring the ex to take us back to court :P, it looks like we may end up going back to court and/or mediation ourselves. We sent our daughter's bm our proposed visitation dates for the next school year (which starts on July 19th) back in the bery beginning of January. She has not replied yet, so I sent her another email last week telling her that if we don't hear back by April then we are going to request a court date so the judge can refer us to mediation to get an agreement made up (in CA, you cannot request mediation yourself unless it's been over a year since your last mediation appt. and our last one was on July 23rd of last year, which means we could not even request another appt until July 24th and then wait another month for the actual appt and then wait at least another month for the bm to sign it and send it back to the court...). Still no response to that email either, so I guess it's a big possibility... Oh well, at least when we go back to the judge I can print out my emails and show him how early I sent the proposed dates and he can see for himself how noninvolved she really is. My hubby and I have already decided tf she is going to push it into going back to court, then we are gong to request her visitations be shortened. If she can't even bother to take 5 minutes to look at those dates, see they are EXACTLY evenly splitting the vacation months our daughter has, and respond with her thoughts (at the very least), then she shouldn't get the courtesy of an exact split. Our daughter has already told us she doesn't want that much time away from us anyway...



All in all, I am not stressing nearly as much as I was last month, so that's a help. I am trying to not worry about all this. Going back to court is only good for us in the long run (as it is for you Hannah!) as it shows the judge just how ridiculous and argumentative the bm is being. I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying each and every singe day with ALL my kids! :)

[deleted account]

Too true Holly- how you are going too lovely? If you dont want to talk about it I totally understand.

[deleted account]

Go Hannah!!! :) My favorite saying is "I'll just watch her (him in your case) ruin herself (or himself)." You are doing a GREAT job!!! :D



I know what it's like to go back to court for every little thing (and then the mediators look at you like you're crazy until they realize who the problem really lies with...). It looks like we'll be going again in a few months too... Ugh... Just keep us posted so we can be thinking of you! :)



Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your little man! 2 is a really fun age! Well, except for the temper tantrums... and the yelling... and the refusing to eat... and the 2 year old molar teething... but it's all worth it! :D

[deleted account]

Mandie I don't think he will ever learn that - at 37 he still thinks the whole world revolves around him. Narcissistic fool! He is missing out on an amazing kid (who I dragged down the stairs in a laundry basket tonight prompting a stream of giggles). It is truly his loss.

My current philosophy when dealing with him is "civility and Silence" I am civil to him, or I refuse to respond to him. both of them really just boil his blood. it is kind of fun to watch actually in a sadistic twisted sort of way.

[deleted account]

Hannah I know I'm saying something you already know but he's using idle threats and absolute kudos to you for not falling into his trap! Mumzer??!! I can think of another word and I'm sure you can too- it's not supposed to be about HIM it's supposed to be about the child- WHEN will he learn that??

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