I have 2 grandchildren who live with me. One of them steals food and eats it secretly. What to do?

Lisa - posted on 02/17/2010

My step-daughter tends to sneak things..... One night when she was in bed and I was in the next room I could have sworn I heard the crinkling of a wrapper. When i went into the hall to check, the second she saw me she stopped whatever she was doing and laid there. When I left I heard it again. So I went back and the same thing. She just laid there. I finally asked her what she was doing and she said, "nothing". I told her it didn't sound like nothing to me. I told her it sounded like she was doing something. She sat up and picked up stuffed animals and told me she was rearranging them. I was thinking, come on! Stuffed animals..... HER stuffed animals don't crinkle! I finally decided to walk into her room and sure enough, beside her bed was a muffin that she had from school. I told her it was bad enough that she was sneaking it but that she had several opportunities to tell me the truth when asked and didn't just made the situation that much worse. We watch very carefully now. I make sure that no food came home with her and if it did, it gets put in the kitchen. As far as I know, it is no longer happening. My son occasionally sneaks things as well.
I tell them over and over that if they feel the have to sneak it..... then they are doing something wrong and if they decide to make the choice to do something wrong, then they have no business getting so mad at us when we have to hand out the discipline. The older 2 are SO good at lashing out when they are being disciplined. I just don't understand them sometimes. I have to remind myself that they had an AWFUL upbringing before they came to be with me so I have to have patience, but it is really tough. I wish I knew what to tell you.

Leila - posted on 11/26/2009

Don't know your child's age. If you child sees a therapist (and if he was abused, and that's why you're here, then, yes, I would suggest therapy with a therapist specialized in CSA.) bring it up with the therapist. My daughter's therapist has had lots of great ideas in helping with behavioral issues. There are quite a lot of different things it could be from plain ol' normal kid behavior (think about how kids exchange their foods at lunchtime in the cafeteria... we all sometimes want the something available to someone else) to anxiety or other issues.
A note abour RAD (reactive attachment disorder.) There are two camps on this. Those that believe it and those that don't. I won't try to sway anyone. I've studied attachment, and whether or not RAD actually exists, the therapy prescribed for it goes against all the legitimate research on attachment (it is not evidence-based). I am an Attachment Parent and there are numerous great resources available on discipline (which is teaching and modeling) that does follow the scientific principles found to be tru in attachment. Also, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) includes ways to use this needs/feelings communication process (a kind of negotiation, is my favorite way to describe it) with children, including very yougn children. Easy to look up on the 'Net.

I agree with don't make a mountain out of a mole hill- so here you can look at your needs (cleanliness) and how much not having your need met affects you (sounds like it distresses you), and his needs (being able to make his own decision about what he eats and where?) and somehow come up with some ideas on how both your needs can be met on some level without either being stomped on and made to feel neglected.

Lori - posted on 10/13/2009

It sounds as though he has reactive attachment disorder. It's where their basic needs aren't met as a baby, so they are pretty much playing survival of the fittest. I've been raising my step daughter and my nephew since they were both babies... They were both neglected as babies... There really is no "Fixing" it. Therapy is very important. Always always always follow through when you say something. If it's a promise, or a punishment. ALWAYS. Or it will take 100 times of following through for them to believe that you mean it. If you want more input let me know. I've been dealing with it for over 8 years, and it can make you cry at times, bang your head against the wall at other times. But when you know about it... You aren't as frustrated.

Jeanine - posted on 10/10/2009

Honestly hes a child and hes eating apples id be happy! most kids wont eat healthy snacks... Have u asked him why he feels the need to "hide" the fact hes eating the fruit . hes not stealing money or engaging in any"dangerous behaviors" .I wouldn't worry too much its a typical thing i think................. i used to sneak chips bars etc into my room cuz i wasnt allowed to eat in my room i think it could be worst ...I wouldn't make issues out of things that are not huge discipline problems . If you do that may lead him to act out more in actual ways that would cause problems ..." dont make a mountain of a mole hill i believe is the saying LOL.. as for the candy bars again hes a child its candy in the house children can smell candy a mile away lol if the candy is kept for your husbands diabetes ??? or is it the childs??? if its your husbands why not make a treat day for ur child where once a week or day or however u decide to it, he is allowed one small bar or chips or whatever just as HIS treat .It may curve him from taking the candy ur husband needs ... .. If that doesn't work i would put it in a cupboard with a lock for emergencies or a cupboard up high that he can not reach .. he obviously knows ur hiding spot try changing it ... good luck