A new trend: Letting teenagers have sex at home

Katherine - posted on 07/14/2011 ( 100 moms have responded )

65,420

232

4877

Trending now in parenting is letting your teenage kids have an open bedroom policy, so to speak. It's supposed to help prevent STD's, pregnancy and rape. And, well, it's "SAFER."

What's your take?


(inspired by cafemom)

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Erin - posted on 07/14/2011

6,569

25

232

While she is in highschool it won't be happening. Once she is 18 and finished school I would consider it.

See, my issue with teens having sex is not so much a moral one (eg,I don't believe sex belongs only within a marriage) or safety one (eg, I expect she will be fully informed and know how to protect herself). My issue is more complicated than that.

I do not want her to grow into one of those girls who can't be without a boyfriend (we all know someone like this). I want her to develop her self esteem on her own, without it being dependent on someone else. I hate the idea of her stuck in a serious relationship as a teenager. I don't want her stifled like that. If I were to allow a boyfriend to sleep over, it would be like I was encouraging and enabling them to play 'happy families', when that is the absolute LAST thing in the world I would want to happen.

Tara - posted on 03/10/2012

2,567

14

107

When my almost 16 year old does have a steady girlfriend with a long term commitment and they are exclusive, yes I would. Same with my daughters. It's about showing respect for the fact they are young adults, they are having sex and they are in a mutually respectful and exclusive relationship. I don't believe that marriage makes a relationship so that is a non issue. I do believe in providing teens with ALL the info you can, so they can better protect themselves, emotionally and physically.

I think when they are forced into situations where the sex will be had in the back of a car, at a crowded party etc. they are less likely to be as careful putting that condom on, they are more likely to be interrupted, they are more likely to take more risks and they are more likely to have a less than rewarding sex life.



It's also the forbidden fruit theory that sways my opinion. When you have absolutes and there is no room for dialogue and the answer is a flat out NO. Than teens are more likely to engage in riskier behaviours because it is forbidden. Just like if you tell them they can never go to the mall with their friends, they will eventually find a way and go behind your back. Because they are trying to be independent. It's in their biology to and neurochemistry to begin their own journeys. to separate from the child parent bonds that often include control over many facets of their life.



Teach your children to respect themselves, AND respect that as they get older they are naturally putting some space between who *you* are and who *they* are.



Sex is one of the most natural acts of our species. When we pair bond it is a natural extension of the feelings we have for one another. Tempered with intelligence and knowledge teens can make wise choices. They can act with their best interests in mind. You just have to trust that you have done the work to ensure they have that confidence and those decision making skills.

Mrs. - posted on 07/14/2011

1,767

6

30

Not new, my parents had that policy. They preferred we did it is the house than out in a car or back alley. They provided us with condoms or birth control.

You might think this might make a kid go nuts and be disrespectful to their parents, flaunting it. It was quite the opposite. My brothers and I (with the exception of my older brother) all only had sex when we were past the age of 16, we were respectful and never had pregnancy scares.

There has to be a lot of communication between parents and kids to do it.

I plan on doing the same with my daughter.

Terri - posted on 03/10/2012

4

0

0

I think with the noise, the same rules apply as they do with me and my boyfriend. Keep it quiet and be respectful of the others in the house. My daughter and her boyfriend understand that and we haven't had a problem.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

100 Comments

View replies by

Sally - posted on 03/09/2012

577

5

11

I just want to add that if i was at my parents or they where here for more than a few nights my view on having sex with them around would be different but as i used to see them often ,it was never more than a few days. My reasons are because im very loud.x

**Jackie** - posted on 03/09/2012

953

1

18

Abstinence is, for the most part, in the past where I live.



I say "be on your kids like white on rice" and just praaaay that you have taught them not to think like an idiot lol

Stifler's - posted on 03/09/2012

15,141

154

597

They are going to do it anyway I'd rather know about it and them be safe about it. You can't convince a teenager with hormones that they should wait for sex when they just want it now.

Sally - posted on 03/09/2012

577

5

11

I think it would depend on how long they have been dating. Yes my older 2 had girlfriend/boyfriend stay but only after they had been to-gether for awhile. No one was going turn my home in to a whore house , it doesn't have revolving doors. Im lucky i guess cos all my kids are quiet open with me. My 15 year old is only just starting to show interest im girls(got his 1st date to-morrow) we have had they talk but he will have the same rules . Anyway if they anything like me they couldn't do anything with mum/dad in the house. I was still like after i married and the visited .lol

**Jackie** - posted on 03/09/2012

953

1

18

Rachael, I disagree. I don't think comparing sex to coke or any drug is wise. I've never ever even smoked pot in my life and neither has my husband. He didn't do it because he was really into sports and I didn't because I was scared to death of my mom and dad.



I think it is a fair statement to say that everyone has sex at least once in their life. Sex isn't illegal. Coke is.

**Jackie** - posted on 03/09/2012

953

1

18

By the time I was 16 I was on my 2nd year anniversary with my boyfriend, whom my parents loved, and I was on my 1st year anniversary of having sex. My mom found out somewhere during that year and after a loooong talk, followed by a trip to the clinic and a prescription for birth control pills, my mom was very honest with me...she said "you're going to go do it anyway so I'd rather you be at home". I remember feeling like she was taking the fun out of it somehow (that might have been her plan). He started sleeping over our house on weekends by the time I was 17 and both of our parents were always on the same page. We had been caught drinking and my mom, again, had a sit down with us and told us she would be keeping wine coolers in the fridge for us to only have if we weren't going anywhere. Wouldn't you know that we never touched that 6 pack of wine coolers? We just didn't see the appeal in something that our parents were ok with.



I'm not sure if I agree with what my mom did because it could have backfired in a serious way....but I guess she took a chance.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/07/2012

3,377

8

66

It's not a new concept. My mother let me from the age of 14!! That was 22 years ago...



My long term boyfriend's (from age 14-16, so long term for that age) mother also let me sleep over at his house. I was there pretty much every weekend. My mother would drop me off or give me the car when I turned 16.



I think it is absurd and no way in hell will my kid be allowed to do such a thing. I am sorry but I just cannot condone such act under my roof... I know she will probably do it but, that doesn't mean I have to condone it. She will probably get drunk a time or two while under-age as well. Does that mean my house now becomes the stopping ground for teens to come and drink at? Ummmm, NO. I could be charged for that. It is no different though.



I will, however, ensure she is doubled up on protection. She has been drilled and we often have the "talk" about the importance of double contraceptive and diseases that can occur from unprotected sex. Even oral sex. As well as pregnancy. One of the great things (there are many of course) of having my son later in life - while having a teen daughter - is that she gets to "see" how damn hard it is to care for a baby. She is getting hands on learning and if anything, it will show her how tough it can be when you are equip let alone, not equip, as she isn't... ;)



She will need to experience the "experience" on her own. I won't leave her high and dry but after she is fully educated, then I must trust she will be safe in everything she does. If she isn't, well the onus is on her. I have done my best. You have to let them spread their wings, once you have guided them to the absolute best of your abilities.



Thank god she is not yet interested in boys... I am sure the time will come though.



Sneak around, if you must. You will not be screwing in my home....

Terri - posted on 03/06/2012

4

0

0

My oldest dd is 17 and has been with her boyfriend for almost 2 years now. To think think that they were not having sex by now would be naive on my part. They are both good kids and for the past year both his mom and I have allowed them to have weekend sleepovers. Allowing them to be in a comfortable and safe environment encouragess them to be safe and I am comfortable with it.

Janice - posted on 02/26/2012

1,890

18

63

My husband and I started dating at age 15. We had sex everywhere back then but mostly at his house since his mom was away a lot. We were only in 10th grade when we 1st got caught. Of course our moms were pissed but my mom figured she couldn't stop me so she just got me on the pill. Neither one out right said we could or couldn't, but both knew we were. By the time we graduated they stopped caring completely and instead of sneaking around we openly spent the night at each others house.



Now we are parents and we just really hope when the time comes we can convince our children (3 mo. boy & 2 yr old girl) that they shouldnt have sex until they are in a committed adult relationship. We were so dumb back then!!!



I really don't think condoning sex makes it any safer. If we found out one of children wee having sex we would probably explain how unhappy we were about it and then turn a blind eye. But truly, its gonna be awhile so only time will tell.

Mother - posted on 02/26/2012

1,627

79

28

UPDATE:: My husband came back in from outside and said....I suppose if they are over 18 there isn't much we can do. I said....but it's our house. He said.....they are going to do it regardless so, if she's of age I'd rather it be in our house then in some scummy place or in the back of a car somewhere.



I don't know.....I think he and I may disagree on this.

Mother - posted on 02/26/2012

1,627

79

28

WHA-??? *faints*



My poor husband!!!! He just walked into my office and handed me a tea....I swung around and said.....would you let one of our girls have sex in our house??? I think he is still twitching!!! LOL

Jen - posted on 02/26/2012

432

25

9

@rachel The less taboo you make things to teens, the less likely they will do them. Sex is a powerful driver but usually awkwardness keeps teens from doing it very early. However you do find that when parents are overly restrictive teens tend to be more likely to engage in sex just because their parents tell them no.

Jen - posted on 02/26/2012

432

25

9

Eh i don't see anything wrong with them doing it in my house. The more restrictive you act over it the more likely they are going to DO what you don't want them to, and more likely they will do riskier things.

[deleted account]

unless you re going to watch them have sex u have no idea whether or not they are actually using a condom so i'm not sure exactly how that would prevent std's. i think it's ridiculous. that's just like telling your kid that it's ok for them do coke in your home because it's better than doing it on the streets. and thinking back to when i was a teenager, i wouldn't have sex with my parents in the house anyways. call me old fashioned but i think it's ridiculous.

Melissa - posted on 10/04/2011

441

41

25

"my daughter is 11 and active.
me adn her bf parents rather them do in safety of our house
then doing some here else.
she on the pill
i make sure she take it at the same time every day
you not going to stop them from doing it "

WHAT????!!!!!!!????!!! am i prude, ignorant and niave, or is that just a little bit beyond INSANE???!!

Donna - posted on 10/04/2011

657

16

38

oh hell no. first off how does it prevent stds? I am so confused by that one. And pregnancy? seriously? If a kid is having sex they are always at risk for thoes two.

[deleted account]

my daughter is 11 and active.
me adn her bf parents rather them do in safety of our house
then doing some here else.
she on the pill
i make sure she take it at the same time every day
you not going to stop them from doing it

Stifler's - posted on 07/18/2011

15,141

154

597

I couldn't care less who has sex in my home. I a) wouldn't ask them if they had sex or were planning to b) wouldn't eavesdrop to see if they did c) if I heard them I wouldn't say anything and d) wash the sheets when they leave anyway.

Mrs. - posted on 07/18/2011

1,767

6

30

Yeah, actually, I noticed when researching marriage laws in Texas that first cousins can't marry there as of like the 60's or something.

You can get married super young with your guardians approval, but you can't marry your first cousin.

Texas, you so surprised me.

Not that I'm marrying my first cousin...and not that I'm judging...my great-greats were first cousins.

Katherine - posted on 07/18/2011

65,420

232

4877

Wow, didn't know that little tidbit, JuLeah. About marrying your first cousin that is.

JuLeah - posted on 07/18/2011

3,133

38

681

What does being married have to do with having sex while visiting in a person's home? For us that can't marry in 44 of our 50 states, what are we to do????

As a side note, in 19 states IS it legal to marry your first cousin ... just saying

But back to the issue at hand, kind of, sex while visiting would depend on the relationship ... I personally woul not mind if visitors in my home had sex ... if I were visiting a casual friend I am not sure I'd be comfortable ...

Sherri - posted on 07/18/2011

9,593

15

387

To me it doesn't even matter if it is premarital sex. Any couple staying with me better not have sex in my home period. If I find out they did I would NEVER invite them back again. Not to mention they would be having sex in my children's bed. It is not appropriate or okay in any capacity. Wait a friggin day till you are back in your own home. I honestly don't know anyone that would be comfortable or okay with anyone being a guest and having sex in their home.

Merry - posted on 07/18/2011

9,274

169

248

I agree Teresa, like my sil and her fiancee would be disrespectful to have sex at her parents because they are very against pre marital sex. But once their married there's nothing disrespectful about it.

We never have had sex at another persons house, but I never felt like I *couldn't*
it's just sex, I don't see the big deal

[deleted account]

The only way I could see it as disrespectful is if the people in the home are against sex before marriage... and you aren't married (hey, don't judge me. Both MY parents did it. lol). Otherwise.... sex is what married people do. I certainly wouldn't expect a married couple to refrain simply because they are in my home.... as long as they are capable of keeping it quiet. Of course, there wouldn't be room in MY house.... unless they do it on my girls bunk beds. lol

Amber - posted on 07/17/2011

1,909

13

144

Just to clarify....the make yourself at home comment, was a bit of a sarcastic joke. I didn't actually mean it literally.

I still don't understand why it's a big deal...because to me, it's not. I just think sex is sex and it's something that I expect people to be doing with their partners.

Can I ask what makes it disrespectful? Why is sex disrespectful if nobody else in the house even knows that it happened?

I'm not attempting to be being rude, I'm just curious...

[deleted account]

I haven't 'visited' anyone else's home w/ my now ex in 8.5 years, but we DID have sex there (his grandma's house). That's the first (and last) time we ever stayed over at someone else's home as a married couple. We've also had sex in my dad's house (before marriage while I lived there and after marriage when we were 'watching' his house) and my mom's house (before marriage.... actually my brother's bed while he was on his honeymoon... lol). In fact, I think my girls might've been conceived in my dad's house.....

Anna - posted on 07/17/2011

134

18

1

I can't imagine having sex at a friend's, but I guess I still kinda consider my parent's house my house. Same goes for my in-laws. We can usually wait out our visits though.

I moved back home to stay with my parents while my husband was deployed in Iraq. Just before he left we visited his parents and you can bet we were taking advantage of our last nights together. Same is true for when he came home, he flew into my hometown to meet me, we stayed at his parents, it had been 9 months.... Both his parents and mine have pretty large houses, so maybe that helps? But I never considered either set of parents would think this disrespectful; I think it was just assumed it would be happening, why ask permission?

Amanda - posted on 07/17/2011

2,559

3

365

Interesting Feen, my husband and I dont have our beds at our parents homes, because we took them when we moved out, therefore the beds in my husbands old room is actually not his bed. As for my old room, my parents sold the homes we grew up in and moved into smaller homes, so those rooms are not mine, nor are the beds.

Charlie - posted on 07/17/2011

11,203

111

401

"When visiting you are sleeping in someone elses bed, and it is rude to have sex in it. "

In respect to my parents and my fiances parents home we sleep in our own beds .

Mum still calls my room , my room....I still call it my room.
Jamies Dad calls the "spare" room , Jamies room......Its not someone elses bed, they are our beds in our spaces that our parents keep there for us.

Melissa - posted on 07/17/2011

441

41

25

When I was 15 I started dating my first serious boyfriend. We ended up being together for about 4 years, and about 3 months after we started dating my mother started letting him stay over. She went with me to the OBGYN and got me birth control to protect me against an unwanted pregnancy. She'd made sure to scare me against STD's enough ever since I'd been old enough to know what sex was, so condoms were an obvious choice for me whether I was on the pill or not. I'm not sure I would do the same, but then again it all depends on the situation and the level of maturity in that specific teenager.

Amanda - posted on 07/17/2011

2,559

3

365

Make yourself at home means to me, get yourself your own drinks, snacks, have a shower if you need one, enjoy my home. It does not mean try out the springs on my beds. :0)



I guess its just different points of views. Btw my parents have no issues with me having sex in their homes, my mother even trys to encourage it as she wants another grand child because 6 isnt enough. LOL We also have sex in our own home when our parents come to visit, because its my home. I dont have issues having sex around my parents, its just about respecting other peoples homes. Sex is not need, its a want and in my life its a want that can wait until I get home.

Sherri - posted on 07/17/2011

9,593

15

387

I am with Amanda on this one and when I say make yourself at home if someone stays with us it does NOT mean have sex and I would be pissed if someone disrespected my home that way, just like I would NEVER do it in anyone else's home.

Amber - posted on 07/17/2011

1,909

13

144

We have visitors all the time because we have family and friends who live all over the country. We have a guests bedroom and I know that many couples have had sex in there.

I don't feel disrespected at all. I told them to make themselves at home...it's not like I put conditions on how "at home" they should be. They are in relationships and sex is a part of that. As long as they aren't being loud so that the whole house knows what's going on, they can do as they like behind closed doors...regardless of whose door it is.

Katherine - posted on 07/17/2011

65,420

232

4877

First if you live together its both your homes, therefore it isnt disrespectful to have sex. When visiting you are sleeping in someone elses bed, and it is rude to have sex in it.

This is an interesting take. I think having sex is having sex. I can see the whole it's "their" bed aspect I guess but if you're married......

Amanda - posted on 07/17/2011

2,559

3

365

Living with your parents as an adult and visting as an adult is totally different things. First if you live together its both your homes, therefore it isnt disrespectful to have sex. When visiting you are sleeping in someone elses bed, and it is rude to have sex in it. I dont understand why anyone would do this, and I would be extremely pissed if someone slept in my home and then had sex on one of my beds. This is why I do not have sex in otheres beds.



Btw I also have an adult relationship with my parents. I can speak to them out about anything, my mother is one of my bestfriends. My father and I are also great buddies. It has nothing to do with a "child/parent" relationship because I have not had this type of relationshp with my parents since I was 19 years old.

Merry - posted on 07/17/2011

9,274

169

248

I dont think there's anything wrong with having sex. It's not a rude dirty or disrespectful act.
It's a natural part of a healthy relationship so I don't think sex could be disrespectful unless you're doing it in front of someone.
IMO, what couples do behind closed doors in any house is private and no ones business.
Now, my sil and her fiancee live together, they have sex. But her parents highly disagree with premarital sex. So in that situation it would be disrespectful to have sex in her parents house. But as married couples, there's nothing disrespectful about it!

Sherri - posted on 07/16/2011

9,593

15

387

Honestly as an adult I would NEVER live with my parents. It just wouldn't happen they do not have the space for 2 adults and soon to be 4 kids, so I just couldn't say what I would do. However, lets just say it happened no I wouldn't be having sex since I would be in the same room as my kids or in a common room of the house. Sorry but sex isn't a need and you can easily go without for a couple of months if you need too.

I also would NEVER have sex in anyone else's home either. I would find that hugely disrespectful as well.

Stifler's - posted on 07/16/2011

15,141

154

597

We used to always stay at our friends' places and have sex in their spare beds. Everyone washes the sheets after anyone stays anyway, not like we were leaving condoms for them to clean up or being so extremely loud that everyone knew.

Charlie - posted on 07/16/2011

11,203

111

401

Rebecca thats what happened with us we moved in with my mother for 6-7 months but it has never been an issue with her , she has never seen it as disrespectful and I have never felt like it was disrepectful in fact she used to joke about it and laugh , she knows us , she knows that we are adults and that sex may be happening .

My fiances parents are the same in fact his dad jokes around about us "getting to work" so he can have his football team of grandkids.....none of us are very squeamish about sex and are all very open about it so it has never been an issue of respecting each other or not ...I guess its just an individual choice based on parents and adult children.

Just like it might be disrespectful to wear shoes in some peoples houses or swear , individual choice.

Mrs. - posted on 07/16/2011

1,767

6

30

So I'm curious ladies who don't have sex at their parents house now that they are grown....



Would you have sex in your parent's house if you had to live with them (and your husband/children) for an extended period of time due to extenuating circumstances? We are talking months, even a year...would you still be "respectful" then?



What if your one of your parents had to live with you because of financial issues, would you expect them not to have sex for years out of respect for you?



Or what if one of your parents, is divorced or widowed and has to live with you because of financial reasons, would you expect them never to have sex with a new partner in your home?



I'm just curious about the parameters of this respect by not having sex within 50 feet of parents respect thing.



I know I look at thing a bit differently because of how I was raised. However, the relationship I have with my parents now, is an adult version of the one I had as a child. We worked hard to establish an adult relationship, where we respect one another as individuals outside of me no longer being a child. I talk to my mom about my sex life all the time. I wouldn't have any problem talking to my dad either, although he rarely enquires.



Because of this, I feel like they respect me for who I am, not who I was when I was 14 or 4. I see it as a sign of respect that we are all realistic about the whole sex thing.



Sure, I was their little girl, but I'm now a grown woman with all that comes along with that. I'm glad I can be my actual self in front of them and they respect all those aspects...and don't judge.



Edit: You know what this is a bit off topic, I think I'll actually turn it into another debate topic. It is an interesting one.

Amanda - posted on 07/16/2011

2,559

3

365

"Oh and this thing where grown married moms or dads who are aghast at the thought of having sex in their parents home...I seriously don't get it.

Do you actually think your parents don't know you have sex with your husband/partner?"

No its about respect, I also dont crash at a friends house and have sex in their beds or couchs. Of course my parents know I have sex, they have known since I started having sex (even though I wasnt allowed to have sex in my parents homes we were very open about the sex talk)

Sherri - posted on 07/16/2011

9,593

15

387

Hell no it won't be allowed or happening in this house. They also will never be allowed to be alone with a girl here unless they are married. Definitely no sleepovers, alone in bedroom together etc. They will be allowed in common rooms of our home only.



Once they have a place of their own they can do what they want, until then they have to abide by our rules.



Edited to add I have never had sex in my parent's home and wouldn't even now being married. To me it is a sign of respect.

Mrs. - posted on 07/16/2011

1,767

6

30

Well, I guess because I spent my teen years having sex in my own home, I learned how to keep it down and use a towel if need be.



Everyone has a different idea of respect. Personally, if someone is staying at my place, family or not, I'd have no problem with it at all, I mean I gotta change the sheets after they leave anyway (and I don't make a habit of inspecting them).



Not sure I was looking down, just totally don't get it. Who knows, maybe when your parents come to your house they are quietly getting it on and expect you to be doing the same in theirs. That'd really suck if you spent any effort avoiding sex in their house.



My folks live far away. When we go to their house, we usually make a point to go for anywhere from two to three weeks. Waiting for three weeks is more than possible, but why bother in our case? I probably wouldn't go for the holidays if I thought I'd be stuck there for almost a month without sex.

Charlie - posted on 07/16/2011

11,203

111

401

Me too Emma hahaha but I have only done that with my fiance ( although he wasnt my first )

Jennifer - posted on 07/16/2011

714

1

26

I would like to add, I worked at a middle school and run a kid based business. Parents need to talk to their kids by the age of 10! If you don't, you are messing up. They WILL be getting things at school, and from friends. My 10 yr old is not the least bit interested, but still hears it. The sad thing for me, is I get to deal with some of the kids who can't/don't talk to their parents. I keep pregnancy test, std info, and info on where to get free bc and condoms in my office. I don't think these kids are ready for sex, and I do believe it is wrong because of my faith. But I've seen it, first hand. Mixed message may confuse them, but it's the best option I have.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms