As a parent, what type of control do you have while your kid is in school

Merry - posted on 09/28/2011 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Like say your kid is getting overwhelmed with the amount of homework given, can you tell the teacher that he or she won't be completion certain assignments that you don't feel are as important as others so your child isn't drowning in homework?
If your kid goods off in class and gets detention can you come and get him or her and say no thank you, I'll give the punnishment myself?
Can you say your kid needs gym more then X amount of times a week and get him or her in extra gym classes?

These are all figurative situations,not real live examples.

But do you have any control over what your kid does or doesn't do while at school?

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Jennifer - posted on 09/29/2011

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I have lots of control over what my kid does at school but it isn't because I told them what to do. It's because I went in and discussed problems and spent time seeking solutions that work for everyone.

The lunch room at our school is hideously overcrowded, so for the past several years, I have set it up for my daughter to eat in a room with a friend that was not part of the lunch room. I wasn't comfortable with the situation. When I felt my daughter was being discriminated against because of her sexual orientation, I went and talked to the vice Principal. My daughter was recently overwhelmed with make up work and I wrote a note to her teachers explaining the situation and asked for an extension on the deadline for the homework and all of them were agreeable.

Working with the school is the most important part of helping your child succeed. In rare instances, I have had to make myself a pain in the tush to get what I wanted for my child but most of the time, it was just a matter of talking to them.

[deleted account]

I don't know if I could do any of those things or not... it's never come up. I wouldn't want that control though unless I felt my child was being mistreated. The school/teachers NEED to have some authority over my children while my children are in their presence. Otherwise.... what's the point of them even being there?

Jodi - posted on 09/28/2011

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At primary school level, yes, if they are overwhelmed with homework it is quite simple to discuss with the teacher ways of relieving that load. At high school, not so much.



A big reason a child ends up with loads of homework outside of school is because they are not finishing it in class......so in many ways, by trying to get them out of it, you are not teaching them anything. Instead you should work with the child for them to learn to manage their school time better (i.e. stop getting distracted in class).



Detention, I don't have a problem with. If you do the wrong thing, you deserve the agreed consequence. The kids know what will earn them detention. Why would I help my child escape the consequence they KNEW would happen? What is that teaching them?



With gym, my kids are in sports after school a few days a week. If you want your kids to have sport every day and school doesn't do it, it is your responsibility to provide that for them. No big deal.



Anyway, I agree with Teresa, the school/teacher needs to have a level of authority over your children. If parents continually interfere and override the school policies, then its really not benefiting anyone.

Stifler's - posted on 09/29/2011

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i took days off for that in grade 12. all you have to write is that your child was absent due to emotional stress or something. no one questioned it when my mum wrote that on a note.

Sherri - posted on 09/28/2011

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Sure I do but I would never do any of those things. Lets just stick with your scenarios

I believe they should have all the homework and would never make excuses for it not being completed.

If my kid gets in trouble at school they better be more terrified of walking through my door in the afternoon. They wouldn't only get detention but would be in HUGE trouble on top of it at home.

No you can NEVER demand more classes of something you just want.

I have control within reason but really school has one set of rules while they are there and what is expected of them and I have mine at home. It really is no different then if they went to a friends house, daycare etc. I can request some things but really the control is with the adults that are with them at the time.

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Jodi - posted on 09/29/2011

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LOL, I took days off in Year 12, and wrote my own notes......but I was 18.

Stifler's - posted on 09/29/2011

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If we got detention it was at lunch time and it was scab duty (picking up other peoples rubbish with a stake thing) if you did something really bad you had to do work around the school on Saturday. There was no after school detention.

Tracey - posted on 09/29/2011

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Teresa - our schools insist on minimum 2 contacts who can collect the child if ill or in an emergency in addition to all those with parental care. If the school believes the child has no suitable care or is unable to care for themselves at the end of the day they will book them into after school club and charge the parents or call social services.

Brittany - posted on 09/29/2011

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Laura,

I once got detention for coughing on the bus. Yes, a natural human body function got me detention. When they called my Mom all they told her was, your daughter has an afternoon detention and you must come pick her up at 7:30. MY MOTHER WAS LIVID!

When she came to pick me up I thought she was going to rip my head off. We lived 45 mins away from the school. I have never in my life seen my Mom that mad (until i got suspended but, that is a different story). She yelled at me, asking me what my problem was and why I was wanting to act bad in school. She even said "When you lived with your Dad you did not act this way for him. What are you thinking?"

When she said that I said "Mama, I got a detention for coughing on the bus." I gave her the write up and referral the bus driver wrote. The bus driver put on there that I was "insubordinate for not following her rules of not making any sounds on the bus." On the bottom she wrote "Brittany refused to stop coughing and was causing me a distraction."

The next day my Mom took me to the school and that was the second time I saw her go off like she did. I thought my principle was going to cry.

Sometimes I do believe detentions are given for no real reason. Not in all cases but, in some cases. I am not sure if they have it everywhere but, when I was in high school they have In School Suspension.

Brittany - posted on 09/29/2011

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My son goes to a public school. I am not sure how much control I would have over said examples.

This is my first child to be in school so, I am still learning the ropes. What I will say is, they have been very cooperative. Caoleb has ADHD and he can be a handful sometimes. He does not scream or get angry or throw things he is just on being a people pleaser. Sometimes that can overwhelm someone when a child is in your face asking what they can do to help. I understand this.

His teacher has realized that Caoleb likes to help so her and I sat down and talked about how he can be a help without being well, so in your face. He now has a set list of things he does in the classroom everyday. This keeps him busy and focused and takes some work off of his teacher.

Seeing as how the school and his teacher have gone out of their way to help him I am sure if I have issues in the future they will respond the same way. Or at least I would hope so.

There are also, many other things the school has done for him that has helped him out a lot.

[deleted account]

All I can say is that if my kid had after school detention w/ no notice.... the school had better figure out a way for them to get home or plan on letting them have a sleepover. ;)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/29/2011

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Yeah, there is no way teachers are visiting "sick" kids at home to see how they are doing. It is totally unrealistic.

Tracey - posted on 09/29/2011

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All the teachers I know are too busy teaching during the day to go and check on whether a child is actually ill. There are many conditions that don't make a child look ill and I doubt a teacher could make a medical decision about a child at home. Should a parent call school and said their child was healthy but needed a day off? Not if they don't want educational welfare involved. Just say they've been sick - our kids have to be at home for 48 hours after.

Re Islamic test, in UK parents have the right to withdraw their child from all or part of religious education, and our curriculum is split between all the main faiths.

My daughter also does not show her working out and misses out on points in maths tests for this reason but as all her work is the same level teachers accept this. I would hope any school or teacher would be able to say sorry or change a decision. I have seen teachers apologise in front of the whole class when they were in the wrong and the kids respected them more afterwards. Surely in your husband's case it made the school look worse because a parent was able to over rule their decision, and what is to stop little brat's parents deciding they don't want him doing detention either so they are going to walk him out?

The problem is school can't say these are the good parents so you can do a,b,c but those are the not so responsible parents so they can't, they have to treat everyone the same.

Merry - posted on 09/29/2011

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Reasons I ask,
Was watching 7th heaven and the mom lied to her teen daughters teach saying she was sick when she wasn't. Th mom called it a mental health day. But when the teacher dropped by the house and thought the teen wasn't looking sick the mom got all embarrassed and covered up.
Couldn't a mom make a judgement call and be up front to the teacher and say my teen just needs a day off?

And my husvpband in 6th grade was b public school and they had a test on the Islamic religion and they asked to name and describe all the gods and memorize their prayer. Matt failed the test so the were going to keep him after in detention to relearn it all but his mom said no and took him home. She said that it was unfair because they weren't teaching any Christianity, just all the other main beliefs.

And another time he was 4th grade, he 'failed' a math test because he 'cheated' since he didn't show his work, his teachers had told him he got detention for cheating but his mom came and said to test him verbally with the test and he got it all right without writing it down, they said he shill had to stay for detention because they couldn't go back on their word but his mom said no and took him home because he didn't cheat.

Thoughts?

Tracey - posted on 09/29/2011

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Secondary school (age 11 - 18) have authority and if parents have a problem then tough - not sure on position in Primary school (age 4 - 11), at that age missing break for a week is quite effective. In 8 years at Primary School have never seen an after school detention used, although we have had a few suspensions.

Jodi - posted on 09/29/2011

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@ Tracey, when you say "school has the legal authority to give a child one hours detention after school with no notice", is that high school level? I just ask, because obviously at a younger age, this becomes an issue. I must admit, I prefer some notice.



My son is 14 and only just had his very first after school detention, and I received 2 days notice. I have no idea what the requirement is, but at 14, it was as simple as saying tough luck, catch a bus home.



But if it was a junior school kid, a parent needs notice to be able to pick the child up and be available. I say this because it isn't the parent's detention, it is the child's detention. What if the parent simply CAN'T co-operate because of very valid reason? No notice doesn't allow for a reschedule of the detention to a suitable time.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/29/2011

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I don't really think a parent has control over a kid WHILE they are at school. I feel it is our job to teach them to be proper, respectful, helpful, and to listen to your teachers. It is in their hands how they conduct themselves when we are not with them. We have to do the best that we can before sending them into the world and trust them that they can conduct themselves in a manner that would make us proud.

[deleted account]

Homework wise i would discuss with the teacher.If my child is misbehaving then they deserve to be punished as long as its done right.I think its great to have open communication with your childrens teachers.I know i can go to my daughters teachers if needed and have done before with her being hit etc.They have always been very helpful etc.So i know if its in regards to homework i won't have trouble with they teachers as there understanding.She was hit by other kids now not a teacher lol.

Mary - posted on 09/29/2011

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Juleah, totally off-topic (sorry), but the schools in your state aren't closed on Rosh Hashanah? They are here in MD. This wasn't always true, but has been for more than a few years now.

L'Shana Tova!

Tracey - posted on 09/29/2011

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In UK a school has the legal authority to give a child one hours detention after school with no notice, although most will give at least 24 hours notice to parents.





Pupils will not be given more lessons in a subject just because a parent wants it, but there may be clubs during the lunch hour / after school.



Can you imagine how difficult it would be to give kids more or less lessons in a certain subject? It's hard enough juggling timetables when the government states that there must be x hours of maths & literacy per week and other subjects are compulsory, and on top of that schools are so concerned about exam grades and league tables they focus on the lesons with the most important results.



If you trust the school to care for your child during the day then as a parent you shouldn't interfere unless there is a serious problem. If there is too much homework speak to the teacher. As for giving your own punishment how would that work? You could be a real disciplinarian and I may not give any punishment at all. The point of school sanctions is that all childen are treated the same.



I had a child last week tell me to show him more respect when I asked him not to throw pencils at other pupils, what help is it to let parents discipline him when they gave him that attitude in the first place?

Chelsey - posted on 09/28/2011

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My children aren't in school yet (Kindergarten next year for my eldest) but we have been looking into what the schools in my area offer and where we do have some say. I don't think parents can go in and dictate what their kids can do but in the school we've chosen we do have some say.

If my child was getting tons of homework every night I'd be having a meeting with the teachers to see why. If it was due to not understanding concepts then I would be getting my child the extra help needed. If it was due to my child just not doing their work in class when they are given time to do it then I guess spending time at the kitchen table doing it when they want to be doing other things would be consequences of their own making.

I'm fine with detentions as long as it is during recess or lunch because my kids will be taking the bus to school and if a teacher doesn't allow my child to get home I will be having a word with them.

My girls will be going to a Catholic school because IMO it is the better school in my area. Being in a Catholic school they will also be taking religion classes. However if I decided that I didn't want my kids to take part in the class they would be able to go to the library where they would be able to get extra help for other classes or are given different projects in areas that interest them.

JuLeah - posted on 09/28/2011

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Yes and no. I think working with the teacher as a team is important. There is give and take.



I am pulling my daughter out tomorrow for New Years for example, and last year told the teacher I wanted her speech assessed ... I've made comments/suggestions too about how she is learning math ... as in, "I have observed she is struggling with .. can you ..."



And, the conduct rules, my child understands will be enforced. I will back up the teacher unless I think there is cause not to ... some teachers really are bad



But, if she got dentention, she'd pay her time in school. It would not be to her benifit for me to intervene ... it is between her and the school/teachers



When she is grown I won't speak to her boss on her behalf



If she were drowning in hw, I'd have her talk with the teacher and work something out ... that would be hers to deal with, not mine. It's not my hw.

Katherine - posted on 09/28/2011

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My first grader IS drowning in homework. But for some reason she likes it. So I obviously say nothing. She spends a few hours on it every night. For a first grader that's a lot.
Detention? They have a color system. Green is the one you want to stay on everyday. Yellow is the thinking chair, green loss of privelage and red a phone call home and a visit to the principal's office. I think it's a great system, no complaints.

Extra Gym? My daughter only has it once a week. In kindergarten it was once a month. I didn't like that because they only get 5 min of recess. So if I were to change anything it would be gym.

I figure, though, there is a reason they have set up the things the way they have. The school is BIG on learning. Not extracurricular things so much.
I knew what I was getting into so I'm satisfied.

[deleted account]

That's true Jodi. Considering that my girls do gymnastics 3.5 hours/week and swim/surf usually for a couple of hours/week.... no gym makes no difference. lol

Stifler's - posted on 09/28/2011

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If your kid is drowning in homework either they have earning difficulties or everyone in the class is in the same boat. Pretty sure if you refuse to do assignments you fail. In high school you get to do what subjects you choose but in primary school you do whatever the curriculum says.

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