Attachment Parenting

Sara - posted on 10/20/2009 ( 81 moms have responded )

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I am not a fan of this theory. I think that it encourages you to coddle your child too much. I see so many posts on here about people that can't get a 5 year old out of their bed. To me, that is the result of attachment style parenting. To be honest, the people I know that have employed Attachment parenting have succeeded, they're kids are really attached, but I'm not sure it's in a healthy way. I want my child to be independent. I want to nurture her, but also encourage her to experience things for herself without me holding her hand every step of the way. I did practice a modified form of Ferber. Has my daugher never slept with me? Of course not, she has a handful of times (and it was a nightmare for me, let me tell ya). Do I let her scream for hours at a time and ignore her? No! Do I want to help her develop the tools to self soothe and sleep through the night? Yes. That's why I belong to the Ferber camp. Any thoughts about this topic? Are you a believer in Ferber or a method like it? Or are you a believer in attachment style parenting? Are you somewhere in between?

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?? - posted on 10/23/2009

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I just want to say that I think anyone who listens to Melissa Donnelly's "advice" is setting themselves up to hurt their child. Your child is an exception and in no way a good base for you to be giving advice -- discussing your childs situation is one thing - giving advice to other people based on your daughters condition is dangerous and completely irrelivent to any average child(ren)s needs!



Melissa, I hope you would understand by now that you and your childs situation is not the average situation and I would wish you would refrain from giving advice based on your situation. Stick to talking about and sharing you and your daughters situation but please stop trying to give advice, before your words end up hurting another child because there are a LOT of stupid people on COMs that may end up listening to you and refusing to get their child the PROFESSIONAL help that they NEED. And a lot of people don't know your daughters history (or even all of your situations history - including myself) so the way you "give advice" based on your experience is dangerous.



AND PLEASE STOP TELLING PEOPLE TO STOP TRUSTING DOCTORS !!!!!!!!! It's ridiculous that anyone would suggest trusting doctors is a bad thing and your circumstances ARE NOT the norm so you are the LAST PERSON who should be talking about trusting doctors. If anything you should ENCOURAGING people to talk to MORE doctors instead of JUST trusting ONE doctor.

Charlie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

Im with you I think attachment parenting is BS iit causes your child more pain in the long term, trying to get them back in their own bed, not being able to leave them with someone , not being able to go to the bathroom without them getting upset. I personally dont know why people do this to thier children but whatever works I suppose. My mother in law is the most loving caring mother you will find and she still does everything for her grown up kids and like myself she believes in letting the baby cry. Its much better for them so they get used to going to sleep without being held or picked up constantly. My daughter is the most beautiful happy little 18 month old and she has not been held to go to sleep since she was at least 2 months old, and when she was around 10 months she went through a stage of crying for long periods before she went down for her nap but it passed. My inlaws kept me strong and told me not to go into her room as it would upset her more. Shes the perfect kid now. We kiss her good night and leave her in a dark room to go to sleep and she wakes between 7.45-8.30am.

I think its important to be there for your kids when it counts and to love them and make sure they know you love them, but as well dont tell them everythings ok when its not, dont pick them up and comfort them when they have hurt them self doing something they know is wrong. I think what we have done must have worked as we are always getting comments from friends family and the hospital that we have such a happy active child


I am not for either in particular but do something a little closer to attachement parenting .



I would like to know what research or studies you got your information from about attachment parenting causing pain in the long term , because several studies i have read and confrences i have attended for work  on the topic suggest otherwise .



I find it a little contridictory that in one breath you claim attachment parenting to be BS and yet loves the idea of her mother in law doing EVERYTHING for her full grown adults and am i correct in saying and i quote you " like myself she believes in cry it out" .



I am sorry but i think your view of attachment parenting is a little off , i am not sure you actually know what attachment parenting involves please let me know otherwise .



 



Like i said what you choose to do for your child is up to you but PUH_LEASE make informed posts not wild guesses .

Charlie - posted on 10/24/2009

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i have one more comment and then i am outta here , LOL.

Saying attachment parenting means strapping a child to your body 24/7 and results in mollycoddled children and CIO parenting means "detaching" yourself from your child and resulting in an emotionally void child is like saying all Muslims are terrorists .

Let me explain , you ( i mean generally ) are blanketing a whole group of people and only using the smallest percentage of *extremists to represent everyone in each group .

No Attachment parenting done properly doesn't cause mollycoddled children , No CIO parenting done properly doesn't mean abandoning your child or cause them to be emotionally void AND no of course not all Muslims are terrorists ( just an example ).

Do what is best for you and your child , i think that's all i need to say .

Natalie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

Im with you I think attachment parenting is BS iit causes your child more pain in the long term, trying to get them back in their own bed, not being able to leave them with someone , not being able to go to the bathroom without them getting upset. I personally dont know why people do this to thier children but whatever works I suppose. My mother in law is the most loving caring mother you will find and she still does everything for her grown up kids and like myself she believes in letting the baby cry. Its much better for them so they get used to going to sleep without being held or picked up constantly. My daughter is the most beautiful happy little 18 month old and she has not been held to go to sleep since she was at least 2 months old, and when she was around 10 months she went through a stage of crying for long periods before she went down for her nap but it passed. My inlaws kept me strong and told me not to go into her room as it would upset her more. Shes the perfect kid now. We kiss her good night and leave her in a dark room to go to sleep and she wakes between 7.45-8.30am.

I think its important to be there for your kids when it counts and to love them and make sure they know you love them, but as well dont tell them everythings ok when its not, dont pick them up and comfort them when they have hurt them self doing something they know is wrong. I think what we have done must have worked as we are always getting comments from friends family and the hospital that we have such a happy active child



What you describe is not attachment parenting, that is making a child needy by projecting your own needs onto the child.



I said before, my son is nearing nine months old and we coslept for the first six months. After that, he started sleeping for longer and longer periods on his own because he had the confidence that if he cried, someone would come to help him. Even though he's teething and at the age where seperation anxiety is a common problem, he is outgoing and loves the rare occasions when his aunt or grandmother come to take care of him.



Attachment parenting is a modern term for how families worked for hundreds of years, and how they still work in many parts of the world. I absolutely believe that the degeneration of our culture is a direct result of becoming detached from the people around us. That doesn't mean it's wrong for your baby to sleep alone or for you to let them fuss a little as they fall asleep. It does mean that parents should always be available as a source of comfort and direction for their children. If they can trust that you are there, they won't have to hold your hand all the time.



Also, there is a REASON that babies cry in the middle of the night. Until AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.



And since several people here seem to be confused about WHAT AP actually is, allow me to post a link to Dr. Sears' 7 Baby B's: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T13030...

Jodi - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Melissa:



Quoting Natalie:




Quoting Jodi:






Natalie, I am 40 years old, have 2 children, my husband has 2 children, many friends of mine have had many children, and it sounds to me like you are reading the wrong books, or taking them very, very literally.  A LOT of babies sleep through the night and it is of no concern.  Both of mine were being breastfed at that age, and they were sleeping through, full stop.  Why should I consult my doctor when I am ok with it?  My kids aren't straight out of a textbook, books are simply guides, not bibles!!  And doctors don't know everything. They certainly don't know everything about my children.










I'll be honest, I go on instinct.  I would have known if something is wrong.  It hasn't failed me yet in my 12 years of being a parent. This is why I don't support any particular "theory". Because it is all books and theories and studies and generalisations. No-one knows my children better than I do.













While I am all for trusting instinct, when loads of medical research supports something, or when my son is doing the exact opposite of what is generally expected out of a child his age, I'm going to at least ask the doctor about it. I've read everything from Dr. Sears to Babywise, (which is utter crap by the way) so I think at least a few of them are the right books. Most of them say to expect your kid to wake up in the middle of the night hungry. So sleeping for extended periods is something I would feel compelled to ask the doctor about. But following your instincts seems to have worked for you, and done no harm to your children, so more power to you.








 I'll link my favorite source of information on the topic, Dr. Sears. http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-sleep-b...










Ill tell you something now doctors dont always know everything. Example some doctors say wait til 6 months to start solids other want them started early, the childrens hospital decided my daughter would start solids at 3 months for some extra weight gain. You will get all different opinions and usually the parents know best.

Another example just one that is more about my daughter the doctors spent 16 long months tube feeding her telling us she couldnt wean off it, weight was too low, didnt have the skills to eat, etc, so we were forced to do it by ourselves form home with no medical professionals. A parent knows whats best for their kid. The doctors have not even rang us in months and When they do they will hear it from us that she is no longer using a feeding tube. Just another example of where they are not always right






Melissa, when I said doctors don't know everything about my children, I didn't mean not to trust them, just that doctors follow theories the same as everyone else.  In all honesty, if you decide to go directly against medical advice at any time, you should at the very least be seeking second opinions.

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JL - posted on 10/26/2009

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I did not rely on methods with either of my kids. I didn't even know there were specific "methods." I just did what worked for my kids and figured things out as I went along. All these acronyms for various methods CIO, AP, ABCDEFG..WHATEVER.. If it works for you and makes your baby happy and healthy then right on, but don't presume that what works for you is what is best for every child. Give advice if someone asks for it but otherwise let it be and don't push things on others. I don't think there is anything wrong with reading books for assistance either. Sometimes when I was completely unsure and needed some additional advice I read the books, talked to my ped, and asked people. I compared what I learned and then figured out what worked best for us. Basically I used the JOY method.

Dana - posted on 10/26/2009

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Funny, I've always heard and read 13lbs. Just goes to show how much info out there is different. There is also a HUGE difference when breastfeeding or bottlefeeding. I'm sure someone has brought this up at some point or I hope someone did. I just haven't read any replies in a day or two.

Amanda - posted on 10/26/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Quoting Natalie:




IUntil AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.










I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 






Jodi, you are right in disagreeing.  i have never heard that before.  what i have heard is that at 11 lbs a baby no longer REQUIRES night feedings, and i beleive that has to with their metabolic rate.  my son was 11 lbs at 2 weeks, i still fed him though :)  i think it's sort of a blanket statement

Anna - posted on 10/26/2009

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I'm doing the attachment thing and it's great. For us, that meant breastfeeding on demand, carrying in a sling when he was small, co-sleeping and generally being sensitive to him. My son is 11 months old and people always comment on how happy he is. He doesn't get any separation anxiety as yet and he will already play alone for quite a while. I think he will be independent because he will feel safe to try his own thing at his own pace without getting pushed into premature independence. I don't know what Ferber's is. I haven't read much in the way of any parenting theories - I just do what feels right.

Jodi - posted on 10/25/2009

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Quoting Kate:

Ever since my MIL had an aneurysm, however, my daughter has not been able to sleep a whole night in her own room. At first I was a little frustrated but now I just feel so bad for her. What else can I do? She has a mattress on the floor in our room and a pillow and blanket. We told her if she ever wants to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's room cause she's scared she can but she can't wake us up. Seems to be working so far. I know that when she's ready to go back to her own bed she will...she may be 15 by then, though. :P



Kate, I've decided this is fairly normal at this age anyway.  Both my kids and my step children were the same at about that age.  It seems that between about ages 4 and 5 they have all had a stage where they have had to come and sleep in our room, or in our bed with us.  I can't stand the kids in bed with me because I can't sleep (especially when my step-son was little,  he was a bed-wetter and I woke many a night absolutely soaked!!).  So I had a clown sleeping bag for them (still have it for Taylah), and they could choose to use that on the floor in our room if they needed to be near us during the night.  They eventually grow out of it.  Taylah is 4 1/2 and she very rarely comes to our room these days. The boys both outgrew it by the time they were 5.  So there is hope!!!

Brooke - posted on 10/25/2009

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I followed the Baby Wise books and had great results. They recommend a flexible routine. The routine should be consistent but able to be adjusted depending on the circumstances. I DO NOT think it's benificial when people coddle their children nor is letting them cry it out. By following a flexible routine my daughter never had to cry to get what she wanted because she consistantly got what she needed to thrive on a daily basis! Her needs were met consistantly and adjusted appropriately for her age and growing needs. I believe you should go off circumstances for that day i.e. sleep the night before, quality of previous feedings, teething, sickness, etc. You can tell a lot by a child's cry as well. My daughter was sleeping through the night by 5 weeks old, she was consistantly feeding on a routine and she never had to cry for food, her system naturally adjusted to eating every 3 hours and eventually every 4 as she got older, she went down for naps and bed time consistantly at the same times every day and night, she didn't cry or fuss and I never had to rock or soothe her to sleep! She sleeps in her crib just fine and always has. We lay her down and she's out without a peep! Now, she is 16 months old, sleeping from 8:30 to 8:30 and a 3 hour nap at 2:00pm, she has breakfast lunch and dinner with my husband and I in addition to two small nutritious snacks, she's well behaved says please and thank you, she's very independant and can entertain herself just fine and she gets plenty of attention from her family of course! She is an all around happy child and other people see it too! That in and of itself says a lot! =)

Kate CP - posted on 10/25/2009

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I'm with the other ladies who kinda wing it. I do what works for my daughter. Babies, generally speaking, don't need to be woken up at night to feed. I did wake my daughter at night to feed in the beginning because it felt like my tits were going to explode and I didn't have a pump. She ate cause she WAS hungry and went right back to sleep. She never woke at the same time every night and some times she would sleep all the way through.

Ever since my MIL had an aneurysm, however, my daughter has not been able to sleep a whole night in her own room. At first I was a little frustrated but now I just feel so bad for her. What else can I do? She has a mattress on the floor in our room and a pillow and blanket. We told her if she ever wants to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's room cause she's scared she can but she can't wake us up. Seems to be working so far. I know that when she's ready to go back to her own bed she will...she may be 15 by then, though. :P

[deleted account]

Quoting Erin:



Quoting Jodi:




Quoting Natalie:





IUntil AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.













I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 









My daughter also slept through long before 6 months, and it was of no concern to me, her baby nurse or her doctor. It was through nothing I did, no sleep-training tactics I employed - she just naturally slept long stretches at night from birth (though had short naps through the day). And she gained PLENTY of weight so it was of no detriment to her nutritional requirements. As long as a baby is getting the required amount of feeds in the 24 hour period it's ok for them to sleep longer (though this may not apply to premature babies or those having troubles gaining weight).






That being said, I would certainly NOT recommend trying to cut out night feeds if a young baby was still waking for them. If my daughter had woken, I would have fed her without trying to form a strategy to get her to drop that night feed. I agree that we place unrealistic expectations on babies to adhere to OUR schedule, rather than allowing them to gradually and happily form their own.






I agree, ladies. We didn't only have a pediatrician tell us that once he slept through the night to leave him alone-we also had a neonatologist tell us the same thing. Our son was just under 5 pounds when he came home from the NICU (he was a preemie), and the neonatologist said that he would let us know when he was hungry-and, surprise, surprise-he did. If a child is sleeping through the night extremely early and losing weight-then be concerned, but otherwise let them sleep. Parents of preemies or babies who have a problem get extensive instructions upon leaving the hospital, and some of them do have to wake up their babies for a while-but in general as long as they are gaining weight and getting the recommended amount of food each day at some point or other, I think they're just fine.



 



As for AP vs. CIO....Geez, it's one of the most ridiculous debates ever. I haven't bothered to read any books written on either subject-not because I don't need advice, or because I'm so perfect as to have this all figured out (Don't I wish!), but because I don't think that there can be a one-size-fits-all style of parenting or that I'm going to read a book and suddenly have this whole thing in the bag. Everyone has to do what works for their family, and I think that if most people are honest, they don't use all of what one style or the other says-they use a hybrid that of several parenting "styles" that works for them.



That said-I do think it's cruel to just let a baby cry for ages on end without making sure that the child isn't in pain, hungry, hot, cold, etc.-and I think that emotional needs count on the list of things to be considered. I don't think newborns have the capacity to manipulate. I think that if a parent is distressed because of the crying that there is nothing wrong with leaving the baby to cry for a minute or two while he/she walks away to calm down-but I don't think that baby should just be left there for an indeterminate amount of time to cry his/herself to sleep.



We practice what works for us, which is definitely not co-sleeping, as my husband and I both roll around a lot and he snores loudly and we fight over covers. lol Also, my son was accustomed to sleeping by himself in the NICU incubator anyhow, so we just transitioned him to a bassinet in our room until 4 months, when we moved him into his own room with his own crib and a monitor-and he did fine. Sometimes we rock him to sleep, sometimes he just falls asleep, and sometimes he's just so tired and so angry about being tired that we end up holding him while he cries himself to sleep. Ultimately, what works for us is being flexible and letting him tell us what he wants/needs-and when he gets old enough to manipulate then we'll worry about that-but for now, at 6 months, I don't think he's old enough to go "haha, I'm going to make Mommy run up and down the stairs all night tonight." I think he just thinks, "I'm hungry. I'm cold. I'm tired. I want my Mom." And I'm perfectly happy to go along with that.

?? - posted on 10/24/2009

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I agree 100% Laura, I think that the books and the studies are there for a reason - to give moms information. That's why I don't think it really matters if we say "Read these books" or "don't read those studies" because when it comes down to it - if it is going to help a mom be more comfortable being a mom then SHE SHOULD read them!



I have ALWAYS been comfortable around babies and children, so when my son was born it just seemed normal for me to be holdign him, swaddling him, breast feeding was never an issue - I had a very easy labor and a very easy beginning, my son and I were out of the hospital the next day and he latched on right away and my milk came in BEFORE he was born... I had no problems.



All the nurses commented on how natural my mothering was. They had no 'advice' for me other than "STAY COMFORTABLE!" And that is the KEY to being a good mom I THINK - being comfortable being mom and EVERY mom has to decide for herself what SHE needs to do to feel comfortable, whether that's reading books, following studies, listening to 1 specific dr or going to 3-4 drs or winging it!



Attachement parenting, CIO, breast or bottle feeding, spanking or time outs or both - all of these things you have to decide with each individual child if it will be comfortable with them. And like many women have said here with more than 1 kid... sometimes 1 child is 1 way and the next child is a completely different way.



I think it comes down to being comfortable being mom and however you get that comfort, books, studies, from their mom, from a group of friends, from a dr or 2 drs - as long as their child is safe, and they are comfortable well... if their kid ends up a bully or a whiner, a spoiled brat or a total loner cause they think the world has turned its back on them - it means A LOT of things went wrong, not just how the child was attended too in first year of their life lol

Isobel - posted on 10/24/2009

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my first had to be walked, rocked, shushed, swaddled, you name it before she could fall asleep (it was a nightmare) my second one only woke up to eat and poop. All babies are different and will require different treatment...there. Now I'm done.



edited because it said "wake up to sleep" ??

Isobel - posted on 10/24/2009

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I didn't respond to this thread when it was first posted because...honestly, I could care less about attachment parenting or crying it out. Imagine my surprise when I found so many people agreeing with me. Yes Jo and Jodi, "trial and error", "whatever works", those theories work just fine for me. I wing it. I think we need to have patience, though, with those who are not comfortable winging it. Some people need to feel as though they have put EVERY effort in before a problem arises and memorizing books and knowing that other people agree with them helps them feel secure ...there's nothing wrong with that either. To each their own.

Mel - posted on 10/24/2009

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my daughter also had to be switched to formula for weight gain as many do. The doctors reccomend supplementhing when the baby isn't getting enough from breast milk. I think its a very good thing as soon as I switched my bub to formula she was satisfied, after 2 weeks off being awake literally all night hungry.

Sarah - posted on 10/24/2009

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My eldest didn't sleep through the night until she was over 6 months.
My youngest however was a fantastic sleeper! From the night we got her home, she would wake up once in the night for a feed at that was it. After 3 weeks, she dropped the night feed and slept right through.
I was never worried about it, just thought myself very lucky! lol!

Obviously, there were times when she DID wake crying in the night, and i want to stress, that despite using CIO, i ALWAYS got up (well turned over with my youngest as she sleep in her moses basket in our room for 6 months) and dealt with whatever the problem is.

I do think if a child (of any age) wakes up crying in the night, there is a reason and you should go to them.

Johnny - posted on 10/24/2009

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Just to wade in on the STTN issue.... I think it has more to do with how much they are eating and at what time of the day. My daughter was sleeping through the night from 1 month until I weaned her off formula at 5 months and she was entirely breastfed. She's still a good sleeper, but she woke much earlier for a morning feed when she was just getting breastmilk. I had several breast surgeries and my doctors insisted that I supplement because they didn't think I would make enough milk, although knowing what I have learned since it probably was not necessary. The feeding schedule my daughter was on had her consuming enough during the day that I just don't think that she was hungry at night. So she was sleeping through. I would agree that it is normal for babies to wake throughout the night to feed. But I don't think that a problem is indicated when they are not doing so. They are probably just getting enough of their calories during the day.

?? - posted on 10/24/2009

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Personally I think it's pointless to say "read the books" or "follow the studies" or to say don't "read the books" or don't "follow the studies" because as it's been said 1000 times before - you can find a book or a study that will support anything. Gabriel was up every couple hours to eat for the first 3 months and then BOOM growth spurt, 11pm - 11am, asleep, out, done, nothin was wakin his lil chubba butt up! I would pick him up, change his butt, offer him the boob and he would keep on sleeping - sometimes he'd eat but not very often, he just wanted to sleeeeeeeeep!!! He ate every half hour when he was awake and he was gaining weight no probs so him sleeping for that long was not an issue. He went from 6lbs 14oz at birth to 12lbs 14oz @ 6 week check up to 16lbs @ 3 months to 21lbs @ 6 months - healthy, active and alert when awake and a damn good sleeper when he was asleep!



But then my neice... she never slept through the night, still doesn't sleep through the night at 19 months - BUT my neice is NOT an average baby, she spent the first 4 months of her life in ICU after having heart surgery at 2 weeks old, and then again at 3 months old and again at 6 months old and again at 9 months old and again at 14 months old and is now about to go in for her 3rd major heart surgery at 19 months old. So I wouldn't use her as an example of the average childs sleeping pattern. Nor would I use her and my sister as an example of what doctors recommend to do with a child BECAUSE HER SITUATION IS SPECIAL AND DIFFERENT AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NOT ORDINARY FOR EVERY OTHER CHILD OUT THERE THAT DOES NOT HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION THAT NEEDS SPECIAL ATTENTION TO DIFFERENT DETAILS.



My friend though, her son is a couple months younger than Gabriel and he has only slept through the night (and by sleep through the night I am meaning a solid 6 hours of sleep no more, no less) twice since he was born and she even admits that one of those times, she isn't even sure whether he slept through the night or she slept through him crying because she is a single mom and was absolutely exhausted. Her son eats every 4 hours, still. Whether it's his bottle or finger food, he still eats every 4 hours, just like when he was an infant.



The 'how to books' are not set in stone must do's and I don't think anyone thinks they are. An understanding of yourself, your child and open communication with a professional or a few professionals is the only real sure fire way to know that your child is getting EVERYTHING they need - no matter what that entails, CIO, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, baby wearing, spanking, time outs, whatever whatever whatever. It's all personal opinion and the books will say whatever someone will buy into, there's a book and a study for everyone, but no one lol

Natalie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Quoting Natalie:




Quoting Jodi:

Natalie, in my opinion, it is about as useful as reading books about pregnancy and childbirth. Fantastic for giving you a bit of information to help you in your decision making, information can be a great tool, but absolutely useless in really telling you what to expect for your individual situation, LOL :)








I'm not telling anyone to blindly follow books' or doctors' advice. I sure haven't- you'd be hard-pressed to find a pediatrician who does go for cosleeping. The hospital ped told us we needed to supplement with formula since my son seemed so hungry less than 24 hours after he was born. Um, hello Doc? My milk wasn't even in yet, there was no way to know whether my supply would be adequate or not at that point. I just happen to feel that if your child strays far from the norm on something that has a huge impact on their development, such as sleeping more than six hours at a time as a newborn, it might be a good idea to verify that everything is working okay.








Oh, and I found "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer to be an invaluable resource in planning the birth of my son. That doesn't mean I went word for word on it, we had a hospital birth after all, but I went in knowing what to expect and had a great idea of what was going to work best for me and my son. I hope to follow the book more closely next time with a homebirth. Hmm, now there's a debate topic...










Your doctor really told you to formula feed because he was hungry?   Don't get me wrong, my daughter had to be formula fed before my milk came in, but that was because her blood sugars were very low, so it was a medical necessity, but had she not have needed it, I would have through the same as you did!!






See, I don't think a newborn sleeping 6 hours at a time is all that unusual.  I know many people, as I said, who have had babies who sleep through, so it would never have surprised me at all.  I also know a lot of people who's newborns didn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.  I never bothered to question it because both of mine were feeding well, they were not crying but very settled and they were gaining weight.  In my view, nothing to go rushing off to the doctor about.






The hospital ped told us to supplement, but I think he must have been getting kickbacks from Enfamil, as he was very big on pushing samples of it on us =) We did find a very AP friendly ped after our glorious release, he didn't even push his "crib for every baby" agenda on us, but we had to move away from him.



I am assuming that your babies had regular checkups, at which the doctor asked how long they were sleeping? I would never advocate calling the doctor's answering service at 4am because the baby's still asleep. Let your pediatrician sleep, they will be much more helpful that way! When I say "discuss with the Dr," I mean, they have a general understanding of what's going on with your kid on a fairly regular basis. I can agree that there are children who don't fit the norm, most do at least one or two things differently from the average, I just strongly advocate maintaining a good dialogue with their doctor and keeping track of milestones, that way any problems can be caught before they become huge health issues.

Jodi - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Natalie:



Quoting Jodi:

Natalie, in my opinion, it is about as useful as reading books about pregnancy and childbirth. Fantastic for giving you a bit of information to help you in your decision making, information can be a great tool, but absolutely useless in really telling you what to expect for your individual situation, LOL :)






I'm not telling anyone to blindly follow books' or doctors' advice. I sure haven't- you'd be hard-pressed to find a pediatrician who does go for cosleeping. The hospital ped told us we needed to supplement with formula since my son seemed so hungry less than 24 hours after he was born. Um, hello Doc? My milk wasn't even in yet, there was no way to know whether my supply would be adequate or not at that point. I just happen to feel that if your child strays far from the norm on something that has a huge impact on their development, such as sleeping more than six hours at a time as a newborn, it might be a good idea to verify that everything is working okay.






Oh, and I found "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer to be an invaluable resource in planning the birth of my son. That doesn't mean I went word for word on it, we had a hospital birth after all, but I went in knowing what to expect and had a great idea of what was going to work best for me and my son. I hope to follow the book more closely next time with a homebirth. Hmm, now there's a debate topic...






Your doctor really told you to formula feed because he was hungry?   Don't get me wrong, my daughter had to be formula fed before my milk came in, but that was because her blood sugars were very low, so it was a medical necessity, but had she not have needed it, I would have through the same as you did!!



See, I don't think a newborn sleeping 6 hours at a time is all that unusual.  I know many people, as I said, who have had babies who sleep through, so it would never have surprised me at all.  I also know a lot of people who's newborns didn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.  I never bothered to question it because both of mine were feeding well, they were not crying but very settled and they were gaining weight.  In my view, nothing to go rushing off to the doctor about.

Natalie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Of course, at this point, I am going completely on opinion, so feel free to completely disregard my last post if you're doing something different that's working for you =)

Natalie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Jodi:

Natalie, in my opinion, it is about as useful as reading books about pregnancy and childbirth. Fantastic for giving you a bit of information to help you in your decision making, information can be a great tool, but absolutely useless in really telling you what to expect for your individual situation, LOL :)



I'm not telling anyone to blindly follow books' or doctors' advice. I sure haven't- you'd be hard-pressed to find a pediatrician who does go for cosleeping. The hospital ped told us we needed to supplement with formula since my son seemed so hungry less than 24 hours after he was born. Um, hello Doc? My milk wasn't even in yet, there was no way to know whether my supply would be adequate or not at that point. I just happen to feel that if your child strays far from the norm on something that has a huge impact on their development, such as sleeping more than six hours at a time as a newborn, it might be a good idea to verify that everything is working okay.



Oh, and I found "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer to be an invaluable resource in planning the birth of my son. That doesn't mean I went word for word on it, we had a hospital birth after all, but I went in knowing what to expect and had a great idea of what was going to work best for me and my son. I hope to follow the book more closely next time with a homebirth. Hmm, now there's a debate topic...

Natalie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Melissa:



Quoting Jodi:




Quoting Natalie:





IUntil AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.













I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 









Yes that is just your personal opinion Natalie, they can sleep through the night from day 1, I have heard of those lucky parents who have bubs sleep 13 hours a night, provided they are gaining weight and making up feeds during the day, having wet nappys etc then baby is fine. We did have to feed ours over night due to FTT but she stayed asleep as she had an NG tube , but she never really woke up over night very very rarely not even with teething and tehre is absolutely no harm in letting a baby sleep through. I hope my next is a brilliant sleeper as well





Actually, when it's supported by medical research, it's not an opinion, it's a fact that most babies do need to eat every few hours for the first several months. But you think leaving your child alone in pain to teach them a lesson is a good idea, so I'm not even going to bother.

Mel - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Natalie:



Quoting Jodi:





Natalie, I am 40 years old, have 2 children, my husband has 2 children, many friends of mine have had many children, and it sounds to me like you are reading the wrong books, or taking them very, very literally.  A LOT of babies sleep through the night and it is of no concern.  Both of mine were being breastfed at that age, and they were sleeping through, full stop.  Why should I consult my doctor when I am ok with it?  My kids aren't straight out of a textbook, books are simply guides, not bibles!!  And doctors don't know everything. They certainly don't know everything about my children.








I'll be honest, I go on instinct.  I would have known if something is wrong.  It hasn't failed me yet in my 12 years of being a parent. This is why I don't support any particular "theory". Because it is all books and theories and studies and generalisations. No-one knows my children better than I do.










While I am all for trusting instinct, when loads of medical research supports something, or when my son is doing the exact opposite of what is generally expected out of a child his age, I'm going to at least ask the doctor about it. I've read everything from Dr. Sears to Babywise, (which is utter crap by the way) so I think at least a few of them are the right books. Most of them say to expect your kid to wake up in the middle of the night hungry. So sleeping for extended periods is something I would feel compelled to ask the doctor about. But following your instincts seems to have worked for you, and done no harm to your children, so more power to you.






 I'll link my favorite source of information on the topic, Dr. Sears. http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-sleep-b...






Ill tell you something now doctors dont always know everything. Example some doctors say wait til 6 months to start solids other want them started early, the childrens hospital decided my daughter would start solids at 3 months for some extra weight gain. You will get all different opinions and usually the parents know best.

Another example just one that is more about my daughter the doctors spent 16 long months tube feeding her telling us she couldnt wean off it, weight was too low, didnt have the skills to eat, etc, so we were forced to do it by ourselves form home with no medical professionals. A parent knows whats best for their kid. The doctors have not even rang us in months and When they do they will hear it from us that she is no longer using a feeding tube. Just another example of where they are not always right

Mel - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Quoting Natalie:




IUntil AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.










I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 





Yes that is just your personal opinion Natalie, they can sleep through the night from day 1, I have heard of those lucky parents who have bubs sleep 13 hours a night, provided they are gaining weight and making up feeds during the day, having wet nappys etc then baby is fine. We did have to feed ours over night due to FTT but she stayed asleep as she had an NG tube , but she never really woke up over night very very rarely not even with teething and tehre is absolutely no harm in letting a baby sleep through. I hope my next is a brilliant sleeper as well

Lindsay - posted on 10/23/2009

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Just to comment on the sleeping through the night before 6 months thing, I find that hard to believe. As I said earlier, I put both of my babies down each night after I knew they were full, clean, and tired and would let them fall asleep on their own. That's the extent of "sleep training." Obviously, if they woke through the night, I was right there to feed and change and soothe them. There's no way to "train" a child to sleep through the night. They do it on their own time. Madeline didn't sleep through the night until ahe was 5 1/2 months old. She was an average size baby (7lb 2oz) and she ate smaller amounts more often. Cooper, on the other hand, was big at birth (8lb 7oz) and ate more less often. He slept 6 hrs his first night home from the hospital. I was a wreck in there checking on him constantly but he was content and sleeping. By about 2 1/2 months, he was sleeping a full night without waking up. I would take the 6 month time stamp as a general and not a rule. Some babies will sleep through the night very early on and others may be 8 or 9 months old. It's an estimate more than anything...

Jodi - posted on 10/23/2009

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Natalie, in my opinion, it is about as useful as reading books about pregnancy and childbirth. Fantastic for giving you a bit of information to help you in your decision making, information can be a great tool, but absolutely useless in really telling you what to expect for your individual situation, LOL :)

Natalie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Jodi:




Natalie, I am 40 years old, have 2 children, my husband has 2 children, many friends of mine have had many children, and it sounds to me like you are reading the wrong books, or taking them very, very literally.  A LOT of babies sleep through the night and it is of no concern.  Both of mine were being breastfed at that age, and they were sleeping through, full stop.  Why should I consult my doctor when I am ok with it?  My kids aren't straight out of a textbook, books are simply guides, not bibles!!  And doctors don't know everything. They certainly don't know everything about my children.






I'll be honest, I go on instinct.  I would have known if something is wrong.  It hasn't failed me yet in my 12 years of being a parent. This is why I don't support any particular "theory". Because it is all books and theories and studies and generalisations. No-one knows my children better than I do.






While I am all for trusting instinct, when loads of medical research supports something, or when my son is doing the exact opposite of what is generally expected out of a child his age, I'm going to at least ask the doctor about it. I've read everything from Dr. Sears to Babywise, (which is utter crap by the way) so I think at least a few of them are the right books. Most of them say to expect your kid to wake up in the middle of the night hungry. So sleeping for extended periods is something I would feel compelled to ask the doctor about. But following your instincts seems to have worked for you, and done no harm to your children, so more power to you.



 I'll link my favorite source of information on the topic, Dr. Sears. http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-sleep-b...

Jodi - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Loureen:



Quoting Melissa:


dont pick them up and comfort them when they have hurt them self doing something they know is wrong.





Ok i just have to comment on this , an 18 month old child is still exploring the world and often they know that doing something may be wrong and they could get in trouble but they are very rarely aware of the consequences of their actions ( hurting themselves)it can take several times to establish that , children i believe are looking for a parent to guide them , protect them from dangers that could be avoided , discipline and then  be comforted when they have gone too far and are hurting .






 I am sorry but i find it completely disturbing to leave a child in physical pain when they arent even old enough to know better .





 



I agree, Loureen.  Even my daughter (4) I will have her sit on my knee and comfort her if she hurts herself doing something she shouldn't, but at the same time, in a soothing voice, will explain to her why mummy said she shouldn't do that, and ask her if she understands now...... At 18 months, a child has nowhere near that much reasoning.  My 12 year old, on the other hand, I just shrug and tell him it's his problem, I warned him, and now he can suffer the consequences, maybe he will learn for next time, LOL!!

Charlie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Melissa:


dont pick them up and comfort them when they have hurt them self doing something they know is wrong.


Ok i just have to comment on this , an 18 month old child is still exploring the world and often they know that doing something may be wrong and they could get in trouble but they are very rarely aware of the consequences of their actions ( hurting themselves)it can take several times to establish that , children i believe are looking for a parent to guide them , protect them from dangers that could be avoided , discipline and then  be comforted when they have gone too far and are hurting .



 I am sorry but i find it completely disturbing to leave a child in physical pain when they arent even old enough to know better .

Jodi - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Natalie:



Quoting Jodi:




I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 










Hmm well, just going by what the Dr and most of the reading I've done (though the age varies from 3-6 months) said to me. Did you ask their doctor about it? I'd certainly concede that because all children are different, if the doctor says the kid is doing okay then it's fine. I do think that most children need to be fed at night for at least the first several months, and if a kid is waking up in the night and crying (not mild fussing) for more than a few minutes, they need something and it's not sleep training.






Natalie, I am 40 years old, have 2 children, my husband has 2 children, many friends of mine have had many children, and it sounds to me like you are reading the wrong books, or taking them very, very literally.  A LOT of babies sleep through the night and it is of no concern.  Both of mine were being breastfed at that age, and they were sleeping through, full stop.  Why should I consult my doctor when I am ok with it?  My kids aren't straight out of a textbook, books are simply guides, not bibles!!  And doctors don't know everything. They certainly don't know everything about my children.



I'll be honest, I go on instinct.  I would have known if something is wrong.  It hasn't failed me yet in my 12 years of being a parent. This is why I don't support any particular "theory". Because it is all books and theories and studies and generalisations. No-one knows my children better than I do.

Mary - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Natalie


 






Also, there is a REASON that babies cry in the middle of the night. Until AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.






 






Ummm...I have to disagree here as well.  My daughter did start to sleep through the night at about 3 1/2 months.  She was exclusively breastfed until we intoduced solids at 6 months.  I did nothing to encourage or cause this...it just happened on it's own. There was no "sleep training" on my part, since I honestly don't really know what the hell that is!  The 1st 3 nights, I woke up by 4am in a panic, convinced she must have stopped breathing!  Oh, and it took my boobs a while to figure this out as well...they were about to bust waiting for little miss to wake up!!  And..trust me, she was not lacking nutritionally...until the girl started crawling, her rolls had rolls!

Erin - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Natalie:



 If a kid is waking up in the night and crying (not mild fussing) for more than a few minutes, they need something and it's not sleep training.





Agreed :)

Erin - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Quoting Natalie:




IUntil AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.










I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 





My daughter also slept through long before 6 months, and it was of no concern to me, her baby nurse or her doctor. It was through nothing I did, no sleep-training tactics I employed - she just naturally slept long stretches at night from birth (though had short naps through the day). And she gained PLENTY of weight so it was of no detriment to her nutritional requirements. As long as a baby is getting the required amount of feeds in the 24 hour period it's ok for them to sleep longer (though this may not apply to premature babies or those having troubles gaining weight).



That being said, I would certainly NOT recommend trying to cut out night feeds if a young baby was still waking for them. If my daughter had woken, I would have fed her without trying to form a strategy to get her to drop that night feed. I agree that we place unrealistic expectations on babies to adhere to OUR schedule, rather than allowing them to gradually and happily form their own.

Natalie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 






Hmm well, just going by what the Dr and most of the reading I've done (though the age varies from 3-6 months) said to me. Did you ask their doctor about it? I'd certainly concede that because all children are different, if the doctor says the kid is doing okay then it's fine. I do think that most children need to be fed at night for at least the first several months, and if a kid is waking up in the night and crying (not mild fussing) for more than a few minutes, they need something and it's not sleep training.

Jodi - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Natalie:



IUntil AT LEAST six months, they require frequent feedings throughout the day and night to meet necessary nutritional requirements for their quickly growing bodies. Any pediatrician worth his salt will tell you that, even advocates of CIO. If your child is sleeping through the night alone before six months, you should be CONCERNED, not proud.






I'm sorry, I don't agree with this statement.  Both of my kids were sleeping through the night before this age, and not because of CIO either.  Just because they were fantastic sleepers.  Not all babies need frequent feedings through the night at all.  Mine were sleeping 6-8 hours straight at night by the time they were 3 weeks old.  No I was not concerned at all.  No, I had no need to be concerned either. 

Charlie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

Im with you I think attachment parenting is BS iit causes your child more pain in the long term, trying to get them back in their own bed, not being able to leave them with someone , not being able to go to the bathroom without them getting upset. I personally dont know why people do this to thier children but whatever works I suppose. My mother in law is the most loving caring mother you will find and she still does everything for her grown up kids and like myself she believes in letting the baby cry. Its much better for them so they get used to going to sleep without being held or picked up constantly. My daughter is the most beautiful happy little 18 month old and she has not been held to go to sleep since she was at least 2 months old, and when she was around 10 months she went through a stage of crying for long periods before she went down for her nap but it passed. My inlaws kept me strong and told me not to go into her room as it would upset her more. Shes the perfect kid now. We kiss her good night and leave her in a dark room to go to sleep and she wakes between 7.45-8.30am.

I think its important to be there for your kids when it counts and to love them and make sure they know you love them, but as well dont tell them everythings ok when its not, dont pick them up and comfort them when they have hurt them self doing something they know is wrong. I think what we have done must have worked as we are always getting comments from friends family and the hospital that we have such a happy active child


I am not for either in particular but do something a little closer to attachement parenting .



I would like to know what research or studies you got your information from about attachment parenting causing pain in the long term , because several studies i have read and confrences i have attended for work  on the topic suggest otherwise .



I find it a little contridictory that in one breath you claim attachment parenting to be BS and yet loves the idea of her mother in law doing EVERYTHING for her full grown adults and am i correct in saying and i quote you " like myself she believes in cry it out" .



I am sorry but i think your view of attachment parenting is a little off , i am not sure you actually know what attachment parenting involves please let me know otherwise .



 



Like i said what you choose to do for your child is up to you but PUH_LEASE make informed posts not wild guesses .

Amie - posted on 10/23/2009

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I believe in attachment parenting up until a point. Until my babies are 6 months of age I am at their beck and call. Our youngest will be 7 months next week. I've only gone out once for any length of time without her. Any other time I've gone out it's been to do a quick shop or coffee with a friend, an hour or so. Though now that she's fully on bottles it will be easier.

Babies can not manipulate a parent. This is a common misconception among many parents. When they get older they learn this behavior; when they are small they can not do it though. It's the equivalent of saying your baby understands everything you say. Well no they don't, the processes needed for this type of understanding are not there!

By the time a baby is 6 months though you can start using CIO. This however does not mean I think you should lay your child down and walk away. THAT is harmful to the child. THAT is when they think you have abandoned them and don't care.

I've used variations of CIO with all my children. They all are independent children who have a great bond with me and my husband. The only one who ever gave us any trouble with the transitioning was our 3rd. She took about a month to adjust fully. Then she has gone through periods, off and on, of throwing fits at bed time. Both when she was still in our room and when she was moved to her own room. From 6 months we move them from our bed to their bed. From a year we move them from our room to their own room.

I am there for my children whenever they need me. If they hurt themselves I am there to make it better. If they are hungry I am there to feed them. If they have a nightmare I am there to soothe them. If they need anything that they can't do themselves I am there for them.

However I do teach them how to do things on their own so I don't have to do as much as they get older. Our 9 year old has her own alarm clock. She gets herself up in the morning. She sets her alarm clock earlier than mine though and then comes to wake me up. Which is so not cool. LOL!! She is taking cooking classes also this year. She is learning from me some of these basic skills away from the classes as well. She also goes out to the garage though and helps dad with working on his project truck. Our 5 year old son is the same way. He's taken an active interest in all things around the house. Well except cleaning, he hates cleaning up his room. LOL!

Our family has found a good blend of both styles. Our children are very independent but also know that they can come to us no matter what. We also have a strict home life so this helps with raising them this way. They know what is expected of them but also know we are there to help them meet those expectations when they need it.

As you can see I got off topic but CIO it is just the beginning. Raising independent, well rounded children never stops until you boot them out the door. LOL! Even then though I will still be there for my children should they ever need me. I will never just turn my back on them. Our children are loved, well taken care of and are on the right path to becoming great adults. We let them make mistakes but we are also there to help them understand why it was a mistake and how to correct it and subsequently avoid it happening again.

Amanda - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Jocelyn:

I think I am somewhere in between. I fully believe in co-sleeping (I know I sleep better with someone to cuddle with, and dh works nights, so it was just the logical thing to do lol. and it certainly helps when you are exclusively breastfeeding).
I believe that you cannot spoil a child by picking it up every time it cries, but I also don't drop everything and pick them up the second they start crying. All you need to do is find a good balance between the two styles. I tried CIO with my son a couple times, and it never really worked for him. He is just too stubborn. I think that the type of parenting that you practice has a lot to do with the type of child you have. (ie if Conner didn't like to cuddle, he would most likely have been in his own bed a lot sooner than he was).



I absolutely agree with this!  we also tried CIO, my son won :)  it just didn't work out (he also did not sleep through the night until  8 1/2 months)!  but i do feel that it depends on the baby/child, every one is different, has a different demeanor and personality therefore has to be handled a little different.



before my son was born i happened to read a little about attachment parenting, and i remember laughing at it and thinking "how rediculous!", tossed the book and didn't pick up another parenting book.... then my son was born, i let instinct and his demeanor guide me and when he hit about 5 months i suddenly realized i was more "attachment parenting" than anything else!!!!  i have nothing against any other "style" parenting or CIO, i just know what worked for me, my husband and our son.  we will parent our next baby (due in april) based on his demeanor as well.  yes i will "wear" him and breast feed him, and he will sleep in our room for the first few months but he may also do some crying it out and self soothing (again it all depends on his demeanor).



i don't feel that our initial style of parenting when they are babies lead to independance (or lack of) later in life, that all depends on our ability as parents to change and adapt our styles to our growing children and their needs.  if you continue to "coddle" a child when they are older, than yes you may contribute to a lack of confidence or lack of independance.  i think that attachment style parenting in it's entirety is for infants not older toddlers.

Mel - posted on 10/23/2009

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I just read Kylies post, i got to admit sometimes it makes me sad I think about how nice it would be one time if my girl and I could go to sleep together sometimes I think it would be nice but I know im doing the right thing so i have to forget those thoughts and now that when she gets a bit older she will probably want to come and sleep in our bed when shes scared as I did with my mum

Mel - posted on 10/23/2009

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Im with you I think attachment parenting is BS iit causes your child more pain in the long term, trying to get them back in their own bed, not being able to leave them with someone , not being able to go to the bathroom without them getting upset. I personally dont know why people do this to thier children but whatever works I suppose. My mother in law is the most loving caring mother you will find and she still does everything for her grown up kids and like myself she believes in letting the baby cry. Its much better for them so they get used to going to sleep without being held or picked up constantly. My daughter is the most beautiful happy little 18 month old and she has not been held to go to sleep since she was at least 2 months old, and when she was around 10 months she went through a stage of crying for long periods before she went down for her nap but it passed. My inlaws kept me strong and told me not to go into her room as it would upset her more. Shes the perfect kid now. We kiss her good night and leave her in a dark room to go to sleep and she wakes between 7.45-8.30am.



I think its important to be there for your kids when it counts and to love them and make sure they know you love them, but as well dont tell them everythings ok when its not, dont pick them up and comfort them when they have hurt them self doing something they know is wrong. I think what we have done must have worked as we are always getting comments from friends family and the hospital that we have such a happy active child

Sarah - posted on 10/23/2009

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LOL, well it was all said in a very nicey nicey tone of voice! I think she was just shocked that i didn't agree with her to be honest.......hence my dislike of baby groups! haha! :)

Sara - posted on 10/23/2009

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Sarah! I cannot believe someone would have the balls to say that to your face! What a bi-atch!



We all sacrifice for our kids...what a crock.

Sarah - posted on 10/23/2009

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It goes both ways Esther, lol!
At my baby group the other day i was talking to a mum and she was talking about her little boy's sleeping problems and how she would never leave him to cry as it's barbaric, and didn't i agree.
I then said that i didn't think a little crying before settling down would do much harm.....etc etc......
She said 'Oh, well I'M willing to sacrifice a good nights sleep for MY child'
and that i was 'lucky i didn't feel the need to do the same for my kids'
I said that i had sacrificed MANY nights sleep in my 5 years of being a mum.
She said.....'hmmmmm......right.......' and turned away.

So that pissed me off! LOL! So now i'm seen as a neglectful mother! OK, whatever, not bothered.......my kids are happy and healthy AND get a full nights sleep each night!

Sorry, not directed anyone on this thread, just REALLY wound me up!

:)

Esther - posted on 10/22/2009

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Quoting Esther:

When I tell people what a miserable sleeper Lucas can be, I get judgement ALLLLLL the time. I mean ALLLL the time. I probably get told at least once a day that I'm coddling him to death and should just let him cry until he passes out. Or I get the condescending "Ah, only child huh?". Or "Ah, first child huh?".


SEE! It just happened again. I ran to the cafeteria to get a quick lunch and someone from my working moms group stops me and asks me how the sleeping thing is going. I say it's still a mixed bag and I got the obligatory "Yeah, this is your first right? You just have to close all the doors so you can't hear him wail". Sigh ......

Mary - posted on 10/22/2009

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I'm with Esther...I never read any parenting books, or subscribed to any specific method. We just made it up as we went along...whatever seemed to work for the 3 of us as we went along. I breastfeed, because it works for us. She slept in our room, in a bassinet next to our bed, for the 1st 8 weeks. This only made sense, since it was easiest to just roll over and grab her when she was still getting up every 2-3 hours. There were nights when I did put her in the bed with us for one of those 3 hour stretches, because it was the only way both she and I were going to sleep. I loved it, but by about 7 weeks, she really wanted no part of that. At 8 weeks, despite how much I initially hated it, she moved into her own room. I knew it was necessary, since I would be going back to work 3 nights/week, and needed

to make that transition before it would be to upsetting to her. Honestly, she slept better away from the sound and distractions of me, John and the dogs. For the first 7 months, I rocked her to sleep after feeding (John did this with a bottle on the nights I was gone)..but she sort gave this up on her own :(...she began to sit up and want to play after that bedtime snack...and would not fall asleep until we put her in her crib. Now, at 11 months, she nurses, gives the "pup-pies" hugs, and we put her in her crib, where she plays for about 10 minutes until she puts herself to sleep. She determined this little pattern on her own - and it works for all of us.



I became a baby-wearer out of necessity...needed to find a way to walk both dogs with her, and the stroller wasn't going to work. Tried it out one day at around 4 months, and we were ALL hooked! It became everyone's favorite part of the day. I then found it to be tons easier to "wear" whenever we were out and about, and she seemed to enjoy it so much more, so this is how I take her shopping, to church, and "adult" functions like viewings. My husband only uses the carrier to walk her and the dogs...she's fine in the stroller with him or my parents. I'm not a baby-wearer intentionally, because I believe it's "better" or "right"...it's just worked out really well with our lifestyle. (Carol - we are LOVING the Ergo!)



I guess I'm probably a mixture of all different styles of parenting. It is probably because that is just my personality overall. I've also been blessed with a happy, easy-going baby. I did not have to suffer through colic, she has, for the most part, slept through the night since about 3 1/2 months (although she gets up insanely early - we haven't missed a sunrise yet!), and she decided on her own to put herself to sleep. I'm probably lucky, since before becoming active on CoM, I had never even heard of CIO, Ferber, AP and such. I had watched my sister read every book on the planet, obsess over following whichever style to a fault, and then just about decompensate when things went awry...until she moved on to the next method, and started the cycle again. It just seemed like an awful lot of effort and stress to me.

Esther - posted on 10/22/2009

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I never read any parenting books (other than looking specific things up in "what to expect") so I cannot say that I follow any particular "method". Like some of the other moms have said, I just did what I thought was right for me, my family and most importantly my little boy.



My son has always been a MISERABLE sleeper. For the first 3.5 months of his life he never slept for more than 30 mins at a time (at night that is, his naps were never a problem). I was ready to tear my hair out. Then we discovered the magic blanket, the ONLY swaddle he couldn't work himself out of. Once we started using that he would sleep for 6 hours straight. It was heaven.



But then he started to roll over and the instructions on the blanket said to stop using it when that happened. So our bliss was short lived. We went back to having to get up several times a night. Well, I would get up several times a night. It does not register with my husband that Lucas wakes up. He can sleep through WWIII.



I never let Lucas cry. Well, I shouldn't say never, I did once or twice. Letting him cry just never felt right to me. At all. And I never saw it lead anywhere. When Lucas was around 9 months old I was so exhausted (my husband had been away on business for a week and I work full-time) that I thought maybe letting him cry was my only option. I let him cry for 30 mins. Then I couldn't take it anymore. He was beyond hysterical. His whole little body was shaking. I was crying too. I promised him that I would never do that again. Months later I did try the ferber thing for a little bit, but again, with my son, I didn't see how it was helping. We could go on for hours that way and it was just upsetting everyone in the family.



When Lucas was very little I used to rock him to sleep (he has slept in his own crib in his own room since he was 8 weeks old). It was hard at first because the slightest movement from me would wake him up again and we'd be back at square one. After a while though that got easier. At 15 months I taught him to fall asleep in his crib on his own (I would sit next to the crib but not give him any eye contact etc.). Now he will sit with me for a minute in the dark and then he'll say "in bed" and he'll walk over to his toddler bed, climb in, I cover him up & give him a kiss and he goes right to sleep.



However, he still frequently wakes up in the middle of the night and now that he has the toddler bed, he'll walk over to our bed, climb in & will go back to sleep there. Sometimes it's instant, sometimes it takes HOURS. The other night he decided at 1:30 AM that he was ready to get dressed and go outside. It took until 4:30 AM to convince him otherwise. On other nights he sleeps right through without any issues. Or he wakes up, sits up & talks for a bit (I think about stuff that he was dreaming about) and then just goes back to sleep on his own.



When I tell people what a miserable sleeper Lucas can be, I get judgement ALLLLLL the time. I mean ALLLL the time. I probably get told at least once a day that I'm coddling him to death and should just let him cry until he passes out. Or I get the condescending "Ah, only child huh?". Or "Ah, first child huh?". It is never easy to have other people judge your parenting. Who knows, maybe they are right. I just still cannot bring myself to believe that it is the right thing for Lucas when it feels so utterly wrong to me. So I muddle on & do the best that I can. I think I just have a miserable sleeper for a child. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's me. I guess we'll never know for sure.



Just to clarify though, I have NO problem, ZERO, walking away from him when he is throwing a tantrum. I think I'm a pretty laid back parent, but rest assured, when I say no, it's no. End of story. No guilt. Also, Lucas has been going to daycare since he was 12 weeks old. He is a very social, very confident, very easy going child. He is usually the teacher's favorite. He also wakes up happy every morning, so I think the only one suffering is me. It's a price I'm willing to pay for now.

Erin - posted on 10/21/2009

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I completely agree Carol!!
I don't believe in CIO either, but am right now supporting my close friend through her baby's sleep struggles and this idea has come up. She knows it's not something I would utilise with my child, but that doesn't mean I condemn her for contemplating it. They are different babies. Different circumstances. We talk on the phone every day about how our children are going, how they're sleeping, what they're eating - just general baby talk - and now that she's thinking about using CIO I will support her 100% because I know she is just trying to do the best thing for her son and the rest of her family.

Jodi - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Carol:

Even though I follow many of the AP ideas, I really agree with Sharon about the moms who feel the need to brag about their parenting style and act like if you are not a martyr to your child's every need then you are neglectful. I like breastfeeding and so does my daughter, so we still do it. Sometimes we all like to sleep together. And sometimes it has worked for us to wear our baby. But she usually sleeps in her crib and rides in her stroller. That's us, our family, and it doesn't need to apply to anyone else. I get annoyed when people try to tell me that not using CIO will mean that my child will not be able to fall asleep on her own EVER and that she'll want me to be cuddling her to sleep when she's 20. I do not believe in CIO so I don't do it. But that is me. I don't expect others to follow my parenting style. I don't like it when I see breastfeeders condemning formula feeders, attachment parents condeming CIO parents, or gentle discipline parents condemning spankers. Or vice versa. Parenting is not about doing everything the same and following one RIGHT way. We must follow our own instincts about what our child needs. If wearing your child 24/7 is what is right for you, then do it. If letting your child cry is right for you, then do it. But stop acting so goddamn superior and saintly about your choices. They belong to you and no one else . And if you aren't doing what is right for YOU and YOUR child, you're doing it wrong.

(I'm using you in the general sense :))



Carol, I agree with you 100%. 

Jodi - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Lisa:

I think that if people are complaining that they "can't get a five year old out of bed'' that they're not practicing attachment parenting. This philosophy isn't about forcing a child to do something before he's ready- that is what creates clinginess.

I do believe in attachment parenting.



I find this interesting.  I am not in any way critical, because it obviously works for you.  But I'll be honest, I have older children.  Does attachment parenting carry right through to adulthood?  Should I force my 17 year old stepdaughter to get a job?  Or should I wait until she is ready? (Not likely, BTW).  I am just wondering where you draw the line, I guess.



Personally, I think there is a healthy mixture of all methods in what worked for our family, but I have absolutely no problems with what works for others, but now that I have older kids, I just couldn't imagine having such conviction to attachment parenting.

Johnny - posted on 10/21/2009

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Even though I follow many of the AP ideas, I really agree with Sharon about the moms who feel the need to brag about their parenting style and act like if you are not a martyr to your child's every need then you are neglectful. I like breastfeeding and so does my daughter, so we still do it. Sometimes we all like to sleep together. And sometimes it has worked for us to wear our baby. But she usually sleeps in her crib and rides in her stroller. That's us, our family, and it doesn't need to apply to anyone else. I get annoyed when people try to tell me that not using CIO will mean that my child will not be able to fall asleep on her own EVER and that she'll want me to be cuddling her to sleep when she's 20. I do not believe in CIO so I don't do it. But that is me. I don't expect others to follow my parenting style. I don't like it when I see breastfeeders condemning formula feeders, attachment parents condeming CIO parents, or gentle discipline parents condemning spankers. Or vice versa. Parenting is not about doing everything the same and following one RIGHT way. We must follow our own instincts about what our child needs. If wearing your child 24/7 is what is right for you, then do it. If letting your child cry is right for you, then do it. But stop acting so goddamn superior and saintly about your choices. They belong to you and no one else . And if you aren't doing what is right for YOU and YOUR child, you're doing it wrong.



(I'm using you in the general sense :))

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