Caution lol- Adult Debate

Karen - posted on 06/02/2011 ( 54 moms have responded )

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This is a debate on threesomes, swinging, ect..when you are a parent. I have quite a few friends who have done this (when kids were not around). Some of them only tried 1 time and hated it and others continue. There are all kinds of shows on tv late at night about it as well. Couples, partners, married couples, who have this type of open relationship. To me it feels like a taboo type idea (personally), but I don't have anything against anyone who does. This is strictly just a debate to see everyone's views on this. My husband has asked for a threesome years ago and it never upset me but I could never agree. Now he's trying for all the other options. It still doesn't upset me or have me worried. He's very trustworthy (to keep it short). Still don't think I can agree to do anything though. i'm even embarrased about asking this question that's how modest I am lol. But would like everyone's opinions.

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Krista - posted on 06/02/2011

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I think that anytime a couple brings a third (or fourth, or seventh) party into a relationship, it's a bit of a landmine, to say the least.

It seems that there is often one half of the couple who is very keen on it (Spouse A, we'll say), while the other (Spouse B) is sort of going along to be a good sport. And in those cases, it can get awkward very fast. B might feel that A is more attracted to the other parties and get jealous. A might resent B for not being more enthusiastic. B might resent A for constantly bringing up the subject.

It's complicated enough as it is. And then when you have kids in the equation, it makes it more complicated. Obviously, it should not be done when the kids are around. But even if it's not, it just seems to me like it is taking a fairly serious risk with the relationship. And if you don't have kids, risk your relationship all you like -- that's your business. But if you DO have kids, then you have to think of them as well.

Now, if both A and B are equally enthused, and communicate well and OFTEN with each other about these things, and everybody's on the same page and is happy, then hey...fill your boots. But (and I could be wrong), I think that when it works really well, that's the exception, not the rule.

Krista - posted on 06/02/2011

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So if it's just a fantasy, then you could incorporate that without actually doing the deed. Talk about it during sex, about how hot it would be, etc. etc. Or watch movies of it, and pretend that you're in on the action. That way, he gets to indulge his fantasy a bit, but you aren't actually bringing other people into the relationship.

Besides, the fantasy of it often winds up being sexier than the reality anyway. It's fun to fantasize that my husband and I are being watched. But would I want that in real life? Gad, no!!!

Kimberly - posted on 06/02/2011

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I've known a few couples that experimented with that lifestyle/fantasy and I must say, not a single one of them ended well. Not one of those couples is together today. Personally, it creeps me out. People should stay single if they want to swap partners.

One couple broke up because during the escapade the boyfriend ejaculated in the other girl. Guess that was a no-no and too intimate? ha I'm still confused about that one.

The last couple I know that ventured into it have two kids. Wife wanted to stop doing it. Husband continued sleeping with the other chick as a pit stop on his way to work in the morning.

Do something less destructive, potentially hurtful and confusing--- role play.

April - posted on 06/04/2011

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my husband asked me once while we were dating, before we were married. i wasn't ready to entertain the idea because when i met him, he already had a girlfriend he'd been with for 8 years. although he broke up with her to be with me, at the time, i didn't know him well enough to know that i'm the only girl for him. i'd only known him a few months when he'd asked me. a few weeks ago, i asked him if he was still interested in a threesome, but he seemed embarrassed or ashamed to say yes. i am kind of on the same wave length too. the idea/ fantasy sounds hot, but the reality would make me embarrassed and probably a little uncomfortable. i do like the idea of watching another couple do it. there's something very sexy about couples who are so comfortable with themselves and their bodies in front of others.

[deleted account]

LOL! You girls are cracking me up! I just read that last 'girl thang' between you all to my hubby and I think he was quite shocked hahahaha! Nice that us girls can shock the boys for once huh? Karen- I take yr point about not traumatising your kids; but my friends' parents also thought we didnt know, they didnt find out til the shit hit the fan and they were REALLY shocked- espeiclaly that we had known for years, they thought they'd kept this enormous secret. LOL! And I'm certainly not saying it goes to hell for everyone, just saying that's what comes to mind for me whenever the topic has come up in discussion. Also Mel- dont be jealous, in my case it wasnt awful as we were all single (although I think the other girl was a bit weirded out afterwards) but as others have said, it also wasnt all that. I dont regret any of my single-life 'adventures' but as some of the other girls said, sometimes the fantasy is more fun than the real thing.

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54 Comments

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Stifler's - posted on 06/04/2011

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I don't get enough sex to entertain any of HIS fantasies. Pffffft. bahahaha.

Tara - posted on 06/04/2011

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Me Too Krista,
In all my fantasies, I have a flat stomach with no extra "apron" of left over baby carrying flab, I have no stubble on my lady parts, I have smooth tanned skin and long lustrous hair (which I have but in my fantasies it's wavy not paint brush straight).
In my fantasies I also have a very dirty mouth. lolol

Krista - posted on 06/04/2011

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Besides, in my fantasies, I've got a ROCKIN' body. :) You should see it...it's seriously impressive.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/03/2011

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Why does it have to be a woman. How about two men. I bet your husband would go for that. Just a thought.

[deleted account]

Threesomes are overrated, in my opinion.

For me, I've been the other girl, and it was.....meh, fun but not fun enough for me to want another women in my bedroom or my sex life. To be honest, I'm not sure how my friend didn't want to rip my head off after she watched me with her husband?

It's definitely not my cup of tea.......unless I'm the other woman ;)

Kimberly - posted on 06/03/2011

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well me and my husband flirt with other people we do joke about finding a third person. it keeps us feeling like we can still have fun, i am by no means a jelous chick lol.

Danielle - posted on 06/03/2011

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I have friends that do and my husband and I have talked about it but decided against it. I never learned how to share as a child so I'm very stingy with my plaything. ;)

Dana - posted on 06/03/2011

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It's not my cup of tea but, to each their own. I'm the jealous type. Not that I am in everyday life but, I know I couldn't hang with another woman being with my man.

Karen - posted on 06/03/2011

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LMAO! Yeah we aren't planning on it being an every other day experience like someone else had posted about her friend's parents in high school. It wouldn probably just be a one time thing or just a handful of times throughout a few yrs. We would probably get a sitter and it would all be secretively. We wouldn't want to traumatize our kids lol. But what's funny is that we have been talking about it more lately and today he told me he isn't sure if he could actually go through with it lol. I guess the reality of it was enough for him right now. Wich is fine with me also. It would probably be in the future if ever.

Tara - posted on 06/03/2011

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Yes Krista that is completely untoward and unladylike.
Go to your room and think about what you just thought about.

Krista - posted on 06/03/2011

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Woo-woo, now I'm picturing some hot, Tara-on-Jenny lovin'!

Excuse me...I'll be in my bunk.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/03/2011

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K. I. S. S. ing..lol
Sorry i truly could not help my self...i had to :-))

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/03/2011

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And I will be honest if my SO asked me, I would not rule it out…I would have to pick the girl for sure, because she cant be tooo beautiful (I need to be the star of the show)…lol

Tara - posted on 06/03/2011

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Glad I'm not the only one on here Jenny who has done that and has had no negative repercussions.
Like you, it's not a priority but if it happens again we know we'll enjoy it.
:)
another reason it's too bad you live on the other side of the country, heehee you're my type. lol

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/03/2011

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I see nothing wrong with stepping out side the box, if everyone is consensual and feels comfortable, then why not try it once…then you can really say if you DON’T LIKE it, instead of guessing that you may not like it

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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sex in public Marina I have never done that with my husband....have asked him where his adventure is sometimes, he says its gone hes been there done that with exes when he was younger lol

Jenny - posted on 06/03/2011

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LIke Tara, we have played around too together and had a threesome and a foursome. It was fun and I wouldn't rule out it ever happening again but it's not a priority or anything. We never had any jealousy or other issues from it and are still friends with the other couple.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2011

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Sorry, keep having to post in pieces, getting food for the young one.

I am fine with porn, going to a strip club together (I used to be so against it...OMG...I am fine if we are together going) sex in public (always a winner), we have not role played but I think that would be fun. I just don't want another person in our bed...it complicates too much, and we would beother be pretty jealous.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2011

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I have had a 3-some before, well before I got married. It complicated things way to much...jealousy issues, friendships...etc. It was to much work honestly.

Krista - posted on 06/03/2011

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Go Tara! Hey, that's awesome that things have worked out so well.

Honestly, nights like that CAN'T really be planned. If they are, they never live up to the anticipation. In order for it to work, it has to be talked about beforehand, but the occurrence itself has to be spontaneous.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2011

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Sorry, there is absolutely no room in my marriage for a third member in our bed.

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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I am slightly jealous of people who explored this before marriage lol but oh well no great loss, Ive got my imagination

Tara - posted on 06/03/2011

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Well.... been there done that.

Steve and I are very open. We shared a night with his best friend, it was fun for everyone and hasn't caused any problems in the two plus years since it happened. It hasn't happened again, mostly because if it does, we want it to be a girl instead of a guy, but also because we decided that the fantasy is better than the reality. Drunk sex with two guys can be fun but isn't all it's cracked up to be. lol

Steve and I are fine, we talk about our "escapade", we both get horny when we re-live that night, I think because we both enjoyed the "fantasy night" so much.

But it was a once in a blue moon thing, wasn't planned and likely won't be planned again. We took all necessary pre-cautions including not giving his friend oral sex, nor allowing him to give me oral sex.

Condoms for sex and we didn't kiss, not sure why but all of us felt that kissing should be between steve and I only.

We think about maybe planning a foursome with a couple of friends we like a lot, maybe one day. I like the idea of being watched while fucking hubby and watching while someone else who is getting fucked by their man.

We don't really need to be with the other couple, just in the same room would be naughty enough for us.

We have a great relationship, we talk about all our fantasies no matter how strange or weird we might think they are.

We watch porn together, we masturbate together, we role play together, we talk about what we might like or how we might feel doing certain things.

Even though our night was not planned, we had talked about doing something similar for awhile.

Haven't thought about doing it much in the last 2 years, pregnant and a new baby at home. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen again...

I know it can end badly for some people, but not everyone.

And it takes nothing away from my relationship with Steve, nor does it imply one of us isn't meeting the needs of the other.

It means we love our sexuality and honour that in each other. Neither of us would ever do something that the other didn't approve or wish to happen. It's about respect.

oops... I feel I may have shocked some people here today.. sorry if I burst anyone's "tara bubble". lol

I've said too much already.

;)

[deleted account]

Like Nikki S, I lived life to the fullest when I was single and before I met my hubby. Neither myself or hubby are interested in anything like this, but I guess we're lucky that we're very happy with the way things are between us. I have no issues with what other people get up to. But that said, when this topic comes up, I always think of the parents of 2 sets of friends I had at school who parents all used to swing together. For years and YEARS. And they were all awesome friends and spent every celebration together etc- like one big happy family. I dont remember actually finding out but we just always all knew. And then really abruptly when we were all in our mid-twenties the 2 couples split and got together with each other's spouse (so Parents A and B split and Parents X and Y split; then A and X and B and Y got together) and it was SOOOOOO ugly because one of the couples didnt stay together as they wanted to be back with their original spouse within a few weeks but the other couple were very happy.Then the kids got involved in the arguments and all ended up fighting with each other as well and although we were all grown and none of us lived at home anymore, they each took a parent's side (esp the 2 who broke up)- all KINDS of nastiness. It was one of the WORST family break ups I've ever heard of and to this day it is still very ugly and raw.

Jenn - posted on 06/03/2011

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In my past realationship we started living a lifestyle like this (this was before kids - although I'm not sure what that has to do with it), and while it's enjoyable in the moment, it lead to hurt feelings, jealousy, lack of trust, etc. Mind you, there were other issues in our relationship. I really don't think it actually works very often where everyone involved is actually 100% happy with it.

Nikki - posted on 06/03/2011

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I don't like to share, and I have no desire to be with anyone else ever. Hubby and I both lived our lives to the absolute possible fullest before we met, we have both been there done that when we were single. We are happy just to have each other now.

Each to their own but I feel it could cause a lot of different problems within a relationship.

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2011

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I wouldnt do it personally because im too self conscious but my partner worked with people that did, apparently they liked it... I wouldnt like the idea of my partner being with another woman though i like him being unconditionally mine

Mel - posted on 06/02/2011

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My parents did the whole experimenting thing...they'd been together since they were 12 bar about a year when they split then were back together and marrid by the time mum was 16 and dad was 19, so yeah after they had kids when they were in thier 30s, so wanted to be with other people, or she'd leave so he had to let her on the condition he was there. Apparently I walked in on them as a toddler heaps lol. I guess I can understand when people have been together ages they get sick of the same person or what not, my husband says he could quite happily be with the same person and never have sklept with anyone else ever thats what he wanted, but me I needed that experience before him, I coudlnt have stayed with just one person my whole life otherwise

Mrs. - posted on 06/02/2011

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I actually know quite a few people who have "open" marriages, swing or bring people in with them...and unlike Kimberly's experience, they have all been to together for very long periods of time.

I've had my own experiences with previous bf and other couples. I think though, it is very, very important to know what kind of person you are before you go into something like that. One of my ex's was fine when I was fooling around with a girl and he was having sex with her...he freaked out when I was doing the same with another guy. It was unfair and strange for all involved. Looking back, he should have known, I should have known that he was not the kind of person who is keen on watching another man have sex with his gf...even if he is having sex with another girl at the same time. It is unfair, really, to all involved if you go in just to get "yours", but don't let it be known that you are not cool if your partner does the same. It would be okay if those were your limitations and given that, you all still agreed to those arrangements. It is not cool if not everyone is completely honest with themselves and others.

Personally, I might do it in the future with my fiance...when/if we're up for it. However, at the moment, we enjoy the fantasy alone.

In my experience, the reality is never, ever as good as the fantasy.

As well, if you are a woman who is not bi-sexual, but is being pushed into it by a male partner who thinks it is hot. I don't know how great that is going to be for you. My return for that is always (even though I consider myself bi), if you get a girl, I get a guy...it is only fair!

Minnie - posted on 06/02/2011

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See, my husband and I would never do this in reality, but we have a running list together of who we would invite :D

Mel - posted on 06/02/2011

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Ive read a couple of replies...the whole STDs thing concerned me to even though Ive thought about this heaps, husband is so against it he believes it ot be cheating and says he'd feel sick to do that, and I have a feeling I would end up having fun at the time, and then severely depressed and upset after. SO I guess one day I might end up doing it or maybe not, because he said he doesnt know if he would be able to but maybe if I really really wanted him to. I was always overly jealous and upset and got to a point where I had to know everything he'd done with his exes etc it was the only way for me to deal with it in my head, when we were separated for 7 months he was with another girl and that bothered me so much especially since when I got back with him he had to break up with his gf for me and it had only been a week since he'd slept with her, to then sleep with me, and she spat because we conceieved a baby within that week as well. The whole subject depresses me about his exes for some reason, yet Ive thought about the idea of him being with another girl me getting to watch, threesomes etc. Dont think Id ever be able to do it. Time will tell. My best friend is also his ex (I never knew it was the same damian was who was her bf at the time, and I didnt know him when she dated him), plus my best friend and me have experimented when we were 14 and 15 before Id ever been with a guy, so now he says alot, I could only do a threesome if it was someone Id been with before, not one of our friends so I immediatly think of her lol, even though I really think any thought of all this is just thinking at this point and probably always will be :)

Bonnie - posted on 06/02/2011

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If it works for you and you are comfortable with it, go for it! For me, my husband is mine, all mine muahahahahaha

Karen - posted on 06/02/2011

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Or maybe it's something to think about after the kids grow up and move out. Not that I feel insecure but I used to feel the same way as Hannah and now I feel different about it. I'm not at all a jealouse type of person. Just not sure what I would feel comfortable doing. It's one of those things a couple would have to look into extensivley before hand for sure. Weigh the pros and cons. And definitley protection like Tyrae said. And someone we would never see again also.

Hannah - posted on 06/02/2011

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If your gut instinct is 'no' then you are on the same wavelength as me. When I was younger (and drunk!) then who knows what I might have gone along with, but I would never contemplate anything like that these days.

Whether that is because I am in a secure relationship or because I have kids I don't know, both I suppose.
My biggest commitment was having kids with my partner, We are not married, but that seems insignificant now we have 2 children, that's the biggest commitment we could make to each other, and to bring a third party into that for a threesome, even with preconceived 'rules' and promises seems just plain wrong.

In my experinece emotions always get invloved in sexual sitiuations............ jealousy, guilt. desire, 'love' ahem.......... we just don't always tell the truth about it :/

Personally, I would avoid it like the plague!
I think people need to accept and be happy with what they have, and yes the lust does wear off most relationships but this is normal, you have to work with the deeper bonds that are left, not expect a threesome to spice things up, one word: minefield!

Merry - posted on 06/02/2011

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I would never be ok with him being with another woman even if I was there, no touching kissing or sex. And he would never be ok with me being with another man either, and honestly I wouldn't want to either. Me with a girl is the only tempting option to both of us....

Karen - posted on 06/02/2011

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I think my husband just wants to try something different. Like Sharon said, we have too done everything to where there isn't much we haven't tried other than this. Including talking/watching it while we were alone. As far as him w/ another girl I'd be ok as long as I was there. But i don't think I'd feel comfortable enough to do the girl and girl thing.. And if it were a guy I'd feel wierd also, but not as bad if it was him with a girl, me w/guy in the same room. Not sure just yet how he would feel about that yet, since we haven't had time to talk about it since he brought it up. So it would depend on that.

Katie - posted on 06/02/2011

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The idea of it is appealing to me. But I am sure that the idea is as far as I could ever take it. I am way to jealous a person to ever enjoy seeing my husband with another woman and I doubt he would ever be into inviting another man into the bedroom. He has jokingly asked about it before and was met with a firm "NO." I certainly have no problem with people who do it, like I said, in theory I think it is quite an attractive idea...I would just never be able to go through with it. I think that if I was going to do it it would have been something that happened before I met my SO and got married.

Merry - posted on 06/02/2011

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Matts asked me for threesome, but really he just wants to watch me with a woman :) which I'd totally go for cuz I definetly fantasizenabout being with a woman but I say no for three reasons. 1 matt and I were both virgins when we first had sex so I don't want to bring in the possibility of diseases by a woman whose been with others. 2 idont want to 'steal' a virgins firyst time in a one night stand type thing. And 3 we are Christians and I'm not certain how God feels about this :)

Tyrae - posted on 06/02/2011

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Well... before my fiance and I started dating we had a threesome with his ex (and she was his ex at the time too). I actually brought this up with him about a month ago, asking him if he would want to have another threesome at one point (with another girl not a guy) and he seemed to not know how to respond LOL I wouldn't mind doing it again, but it seems my man doesn't want to. Truthfully I'd be perfectly fine with having a threesome every couple years. Keeps things fun, but I'd be chosing the girl, and there would be rules set down (ex. condom used at ALL times, and it would be someone that we would never see again).

Sharon - posted on 06/02/2011

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In my opinion this should have been explored by before marriage. Thats when I tried it. Meh. It was ok, nothing I'd go out of my way for.

I honestly don't see the point in it. My husband was never interested in it. thankfully. We've done everything else, well most everything. i can't think of anything we haven't tried but I'm sure there is something. but nothing that took us outside the bounds of conventional marriage but definitely outside the bounds of "norm".

Rosie - posted on 06/02/2011

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i agree with krista. it's not my cup o tea, but hey if you can do it without problems, good on you. i do think more often than not that both people really aren't ready for it, and it will end up causing major problems.

Karen - posted on 06/02/2011

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that's exactly how i feel. I would be one to feel too awkward to go along with it. But could trust him to keep emotions out of it. we are both very open in talking about it and I can tell when he is feeling romantic and when he is not feeling romantic during our one/one. I believe it's natural for men to seperate their emotions like that. So from talking to him I know it's just a fantasy and hes not looking for a reason to cheat.

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