Dads not helping with daughters?

[deleted account] ( 30 moms have responded )

I have seen the issue of dadsnot changing their daughters nappies or bathing them or getting them dressed mentioned in several posts in the welcome forum amongst others and I wanted to know why and would you let your husband/ partner not do certain tasks with your daughters? Also would be realistic for moms to then say I am not going to deal with my son when he is naked? What makes it different for men and women?

For me it seems rediculous some women do not want their husband to see their daughters naked because if you do not trust your husband not to just be a good dad then why woul did you marry them? I know my husband is not a paedophile and would never hurt our children and so this idea seems odd to me. Can anybody shed some light on this perculiar action for me please.

I can understand when either the mom or dad were abused as children that there could be issues with trust for them and that is not perculiar or rediculous.

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Isobel - posted on 09/21/2010

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Jessica...paragraph breaks are your friend :) it's really hard to read a block of type that long off of a computer screen and it hurts my eyes...when I get through it all, I will respond ;P

JuLeah - posted on 09/21/2010

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A father changes diapers, gives baths, dresses his kids. Men don't abuse kids, pervs do. If your partner is a man, (not a perv) there is no need to worry.
I think it is horrific to assume, because he is a man, there will be issues.
It is dangerous in fact. If you assume danger like that you are not really paying attention to the reality of the situation; you miss clues, and you are not listening to your gut.
Men are wonderful fathers, nurses, care takers.

If you are married to a man you don't trust with your children, you have got a big big problem.

Joanna - posted on 09/21/2010

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My husband has always been very hands on with our daughter. I guess since we only have a girl (and another girl that'll be here in less than a month), he's never known any different. He knows that as a parent it's his job to help with the responsibilities, which include changing and bathing her. The fact that some people immediately think there could be something sexual going on is disturbing to me, I hate that society has gotten that way. I was at a mommy get together for my old (OLD because I left because of the judgmental moms there) playgroup, and I mentioned that at 2 she'd take showers with my husband... There were a couple moms that just looked shocked at the thought. If I thought my husband was a man who'd abuse a little girl, I wouldn't have married him, and that's all there is to it.

Tara - posted on 09/21/2010

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@JuLeah
You are so right.
I was abused by my my step dad from the ages of 6-9. What he did to me was an abuse of trust. He was never mean or hurtful, but he made me think I was his special girl, he loved me yada yada yada.
We're currently in the middle of a court case so I can't say anything else but... no one knew cause he was an upstanding man, he treated me wonderfully etc. etc. he was and is a pervert. Enough said.
They come in all shapes and sizes, races and religions.

Sharon - posted on 09/21/2010

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My husband is one of those guys. He did very basic cleaning & diaper changing but once she started getting mobile and talking he flat out refused. She has very long hair at 7yrs of age and needs help getting it washed properly. He makes her wear a bathing suit.

He is utterly pertrified of false accusations or in our case, a misunderstanding. If he can say "I have NEVER even bathed her." and the child can say the same, he's safe.

BUT when she was younger, he was DISTINCTLY uncomfortable with even changing her. He said he was afraid she would get comfortable with the idea that it was ok for men to see her naked or that it was ok for men to touch her. Which, as we all know, is utterly retarded.

I think if we'd had more than one daughter and she hadn't been the last, I'd have worked harder to knock that crap out of his head. but it was a victory to get him to give her a bath with her bathing suit on.

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[deleted account]

Rebecca, I can completely understand your situation and why you would feel uncomfortable. It is absolutely brill that your hubby supported you so you could overcome your fears and allow him to experience sharing the day to day tasks of caring for your children.

Charlie - posted on 09/22/2010

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I find this ridiculous on the notion that as men some would say " NO WAY I CANT *insert action * my little girl what if some one said something "
And the very same man would have no problem letting the mother do all the work with their sons i call BULLSHIT on this .
coming from an abusive situation is a different story .

Funny thing is when i brought Cooper home i was busy and asked my dad to change his nappy and he said " oh geeze is it the same as girls because ive only ever changed girls and i would just bath you every time you pooed"
LoL poor confused dad !

Nikki - posted on 09/22/2010

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Seems odd to me Toni, my husband has no problem changing, dressing and bathing our daughter, and I am 110% confident in his ability to do so. I understand that society is heading in the direction where such innocent things can be taken in such a serious manner, which is sad.

Rebecca - posted on 09/22/2010

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For me, it took time to let my husband change our daughter. I was sexually abused by my father when i was 2 months old. My mother didn't know until it was too late and the damage was done. I didn't want my daughter to be in the same situation and to this day i do not trust others with either of my kids, son and daughter. My husband helps in all aspects but he was so understanding of my initial reaction to the whole thing and stood by me and helped me see past the monster my father was. No my husband is not my father, but why would i want to risk it. EVERY women in my family has been sexually abused by someone in our family or a close family friend. I am a stay at home mom and plan on being there for my kids so i know nothing will happen to them.
I think society has placed a stigma on men as predators and it hasn't helped me i know, but yes women too can do the same things. It just isn't talked about as much maybe?
I know for me, my experience has freaked the crap out of me and i HATE my father for making me scared of all men. I don't trust people and i hate that feeling. It gets better with everyday but it is always a struggle for me.

[deleted account]

My husband has always helped out with looking after Logan and enjoys spending time with him whether that's playing, having a bath together, or reading him a book. I think if women think of their husband/partner in a way that they would do something inappropriate to their child then why would they be with them? Plus it's obviously them with the problem to think such a thing!

[deleted account]

I can see where men may feel a little hesitant when dealing with cleaning their daughters, however, when I see a man cleaning or playing with etc their children my thoughts do not go to paedophile or pervert.



On false accusations though I do know someone who had them made against him and he had done nothing wrong. My cousin and the father of her eldest 2 daughters are separated, and he has the girls every other weekend. On the weekend in question the youngest of the 2 girls had been sore on her vagina and so needed cream applied, which as the dad he did. When my aunty heard about the incident she reported him to social services for child abuse, my cousin was distraught, she thought her girls would be took off her. After an investigation it was found that he was just applying cream where it was needed. Those accusations about him could have destroyed him and he was not guilty. So unfair.



Sharon that is the reason I was thinking for men not wanting to help with those jobs. Now I wonder why for women who don't like men doing those jobs with girls.

Brandy - posted on 09/21/2010

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My fiance would do occasional diaper changes with our daughter but if she had diarhea and it had squished up the front of the diaper, he would call me to check and make sure there was none between the lips of her vagina because that made him feel awkward and uncomfortable and I can understand that.

Morgan - posted on 09/21/2010

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My husband is very helpful with our 8 month old daughter, he changes her bum, bathes her and what not, though a few months ago our daughter had a labial adhesion and he said he did not "feel comfortable putting the cream on her, hes such a great helper I never questioned him.

Rosie - posted on 09/21/2010

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my husband has never had a problem with changing the boys diapers, but for some reason a bath WITH them kind freaks him out, and makes him uncomfortable. he's also not too big into kisses from the boys. he'll still do it, but they're short, right at the perfect height to be near his genitals. if they hug him, and kiss his leg he does not like it, it makes him super uncomfortable. in a way i kinda understand, but i can't help but wonder why he's so scared. at least he doesn't let it get in the way of bathing, changing, kissing them.

[deleted account]

They're starting to implement a "parents room" which is equipped with a change table for situations like this. Amie touched on something very important. In this generation there's NO reason why a father couldn't/shouldn't be changing/bathing their daughters. AND, even more importantly, there is absolutely NO reason why a women shouldn't want the father of her child (nevermind gender because it shouldn't be an issue) doing these types of things.

Lindsay - posted on 09/21/2010

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Josh has always been very hands on with the kids so I can't really imagine it being any other way. My brother is also very hands on with his girls. Though I do see the double standard if you are out in public and need to do a diaper change. We've found very few places that actually have a changing table in the men's room, while I've never seen a ladies room without one.

Amie - posted on 09/21/2010

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I don't really understand any of this honestly. Even with the explanations given. My FIL is like that but he's from another generation.

My husband is not like this. All of his worries he addressed to me and I showed him the proper way to do things. From correctly mixing a bottle to wiping our baby girls when they needed changing. He bathed all of them when I needed him too, nothing ever really fazed him about it. He was just a parent, that's all he saw it as.

Sharon - posted on 09/21/2010

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Becki - you hit part of it too. I'd forgotten but that was one of the things my husband mentioned.

He knew women could get nasty infections if they got dirty "there" and he was scared he'd do that to our daughter with improper cleaning. Honestly - if he hadn't been so helpful with the boys I would have accused him of pure laziness, but our daughter was last and I knew better.

[deleted account]

Chad is 100% hands on and I encourage it. I can't wrap my head around this logic either. I can MAYBE SORTA understand a father feeling a wee bit uncomfortable because of what Jessica talked about in her opening comment. "It comes from paranoia and political correctness in society".....I can maybe understand that logic from men but from women? Absolutely not! If you don't trust your husband, why are you with him? ACK!

Louise - posted on 09/21/2010

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I think this is a great shame that society has come to this. It has taken us years to get men to pull there weight in the childcare department and now we have this to battle as well. My husband has always been a hands on dad and changed nappies and bathed the kids right from day one. We had two boys first and then a gap of 15 years before we had our daughter it was a shock at first to change a nappy without a willy in it for both of us and my husband did feel a little awkward for the first few weeks. I just said don't be so silly and he got over it. Now it is matter of fact that she needs changing so heres the bag off you go. Parenting should be an equal affair no matter what the gender of the child. There are perverts out there but these people can be male or female. There has just been a huge court case in England with a woman who had been selling pictures of toddlers that attended her day care. Evil has many disguises

Becky - posted on 09/21/2010

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I don't have a daughter, but if I did, I would 100% trust my husband to change her, bathe her, etc. However, he doesn't do diapers, on boys or girls! It's nothing about trust, just a weak stomach! He will do wet ones. I think, for some reason, some men are uncomfortable with doing those things for little girls. Maybe because they're different, they're afraid they won't get them clean enough or they'll somehow hurt them? If we ever do have a daughter (I hope we do!), I'll expect my husband to do the same for her as he would for our sons.
I can see a man being uncomfortable with changing a baby girl's diaper if she is not his daughter - there are some real jerks out there who might accuse a guy of touching their baby girl even though he didn't.

Katherine - posted on 09/21/2010

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I just don't even know what to say...that's crazy to me. Here the dad's change the babies diaper no matter what gender. If they won't it's an excuse IMO.

[deleted account]

JuLeah it worries me too that people are so uneducated that they don't realise that paedophiles and abusers are normal people who walk amongst us. It is a good point to make if they do not trust them with girls they should not trust them with boys either.

[deleted account]

Mary could you ask him for me, I am really interested as to why he would prefer you to do it, I'm not going to make any assumptions. Thank-you in advance :-)

Jessica what a bitch, I'm glad you did something to help prevent her doing that to anyone else. How rude is that, new moms need support not made to feel bad or worry because they aren't doing the job properly!

JuLeah - posted on 09/21/2010

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Actually, this really troubles me ..... abuse is not about gender. Boys are abused as often as girls it is believed, but not as often reported.
Sexual abuse/rape is about power and control. It has nothing to do with gender or sex.
If you don't trust a person with a baby girl you are a fool if you trust that person with a baby boy.
One of the reasons so many kids are abused is because adults don't understand these concepts.
I have actually heard, "Well, he can have abused that boy. He's not gay."
I have heard, "She could not have been molested, she doesn't even have breasts yet"
I have heard, "He can't be abusing kids. He has a wife, why would he need to do something like that?"
“He can’t have done it. He's on the school board"
"I don't believe it. He goes to church every Sunday; nope it is just not possible"
"But he's a Christian"
The above excuses are the reason so many kids are abuse. Adults caring for kids have outdated and foolish ideas.

ME - posted on 09/21/2010

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I would have no problem with my husband doing all/anything for my daughter...He's the one who is bothered by it..He does if he has to, but if I am home, he prefers not to change diapers, etc...not sure why, but I don't really care...

Tara - posted on 09/21/2010

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I have never heard of this (guess I don't stray far enough from DM to see such silliness.)

I would also like to know the answer to your question!!
If you feel uncomfortable allowing your husband to see their own naked baby.. why did you marry him?

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2010

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It comes from paranoia and political correctness in society. When I was put onto the ward after having my son there was one nurse who was the ultimate bitch. When Josh was about 2 days old, he had a heat rash. I kept his clothes off him and if he felt cold to the touch I would initiate skin to skin contact (didn't matter anyway because I couldn't put him down lol.) Anyway, he needed a nappy change and his father was wiping him down with Josh screaming to be held. This sadistic cow walks into the room shouting 'there is a baby in distress in here' pulls back the curtain from my bed. Sees Josh naked with his dad putting the soiled nappy into a nappy bag, looks at me and says 'get that baby dressed, he is obviously in distress'. Me, being a first time mom, panicked. Got him dressed and carried him out to the nurse and asked what was wrong. I was thinking maybe he looked ill or maybe I was doing something wrong. She turns and tells me 'well there is a baby in distress, I walk in to find him naked with his dad standing over him'. She raised her eyebrows at me like he was fiddling with my son whilst I was watching. Now, this woman obviously had a power trip thing going. Why else would she suggest something so vile to an ill first time mother in a maternity ward? Thing is, she picked the wrong ill first time mother on a maternity ward. She obviously thought I would back down and be all meek and worried. I saw red and she was so damn lucky I was holding Josh else I would have mopped the floor with her face. I screamed in her face, called her all sorts of choice names and proceeded to pack my things and discharge myself. I reported her to the qualified nurse on charge duty and told her I was discharging myself. It took her, my mom and my sons father 3 hours to calm me down and convince me to stay just till morning. I took that bitches job. I don't care that she may have had a family of her own to feed. If there were a social worker or police officer on the ward (as there regularly is social workers on maternity wards) Josh would have been taken from me just because she wanted to feel big. Bitch deserved all she got. Grrrrrr. Even 2 years later I see red thinking about this.

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