Degrading, putting down, or slamming the father of your child- to the child.

Kimberly - posted on 10/26/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I don't think that children should hear negative things about their fathers. I have heard too many mothers, that are no longer with these men, talk very badly about them to their children. I feel it is damaging to the child and think that no matter how much you detest this man you should show control and refrain. I find it insulting to the child who is a part of this man that you chose to be a father.

Do you do this? Did your mother do this? Are there exceptions? When?

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Tara - posted on 10/26/2010

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Interesting because I recently had to tell my oldest child the truth about his shit head bio dad.
I think there is a difference between telling a child the honest truth about their other parent and slamming or talking nasty about them either in front of or to them directly.
Example, to a 12 year old boy " Your father has an anger problem, he used his voice and his body to intimidate me, he used violence to try to control me. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable in society..."
opposed to
"Your father is a fucktard, he beat the shit outta me cause he's a no good man whore who doesn't know how to use his words not his fists when he talks. You better watch out or you'll be just like him."
Big difference.
Be honest but be appropriate.
Tara

Alahnna - posted on 10/26/2010

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I do not believe it is ok to put down the other person in front of the children. I do, however believe in telling the truth and not trying to make them out to be better than they are. Example, when my children's father doesn't call at the regular time he told them he would and they want to know why, I tell them I dont know, that they have to ask him next time they talk to him. I don't say oh, he probably forgot, or make up stories like maybe his computer broke but he loves you very much, etc. I want my children to make up their own mind about their father and they are slowly. My daughter has actually asked me why her father and I can't be together anymore (she's 7) and I told her because I cannot trust him anymore. When she asked why, I said because he lied to me and when people lie to others, they don't believe what they say anymore. I told her the truth, I didn't make up anything and I never started calling him names and telling her what a sleeze he was for cheating on me with another woman and leaving us for her. That was the end of her questions and I'm sure some day she will want to know more, and I will be honest with her then while being age appropriate as well

September - posted on 10/27/2010

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I never talk down about my husband to our son; I feel it's wrong in any circumstance. I can’t ever remember my mom talking bad about our dad to any of us kids and I'm thankful for that!

Tara - posted on 10/26/2010

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To add, my ex used to talk down to me on the phone when he had the girls and he had to talk to me about something, so they were always right there beside him when he did (I could hear them in the background)
So... as a parent who has had to tell her kids " well that's your dad's opinion about my relationship with Steve, but you and I both know that isn't the truth" because my ex told them my current partner didn't really like it when they stayed home on weekends.
So... on both sides honesty and tact is needed, I could have told the kids "hey your dad's opinion doesn't matter a rats ass to me, what a dickhead." but I followed it all up with "it's too bad your dad doesn't know Steve. Then he would see what a nice guy he really is".

Charlie - posted on 10/26/2010

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No way ,
My parents split when i was young they made a point that even though they didnt love each other ( and it was a messy split at first ) they would never talk bad of eachother , it just acts as poison to spread that kind thinking to children and your adult children alike .

So far i have never had a reason to bitch Jamie out and whatever goes on between us is between us .

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C. - posted on 10/27/2010

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Do I do it? No. Have I? Yes, but when my son was much younger and my husband and I were having problems that outsiders had started (not an excuse, just saying)..



My mom never talked about my dad in a degrading manner and especially not in front of us.



And no, there really shouldn't be any exceptions. If you care enough to have a baby with someone, regardless of how the relationship pans out in the future, it is still your child's father and they should NEVER hear ill about their parent from you.



*EDITED TO ADD: I just saw where Tara and Jodi said there is a difference between bashing and saying something in an objective way.. I agree with that statement 100%.*

Jodi - posted on 10/26/2010

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Tara, your post hit the nail on the head. There is a big difference between telling the truth in an objective way and slamming someone. My son has also mentioned some things to me about his dad, and my response was very similar to what you said "sweetie, your dad just sometimes has an anger problem and can't always hold his temper. If it upsets you, or you get scared, call me and I will come and get you, but I don't believe he will hurt you, he just sometimes rants and raves about stuff until he calms down." That's not bashing or slamming his dad, that's just being honest, and helping him deal with it (and just for the record, he isn't hurling abuse at my son, he just rants and raves and carries on about things for AGES).

Isobel - posted on 10/26/2010

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If my mother came to me right now and told me the unadulterated truth about my father...I might just punch her in the face...it's never appropriate to make your child think less of a parent on purpose...even if it's the truth. That person supplied half of their dna and people who feel that one of their parents is a low-life feel like they have an excuse to be one...and I won't have it.

Jenn - posted on 10/26/2010

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@Sharon - I don't see that as slamming them - that's answering an honest question with an honest answer. My son is only 4 so still thinks his father is awesome, but when he's older and starts asking questions he will be told the truth in simple terms - yes your father was a liar and a bigamist and a scam artist.......

Jodi - posted on 10/26/2010

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Not cool, ever. My son is now 13, he has his dad's faults figured out all on his own.

Jenn - posted on 10/26/2010

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No exceptions! I have never and will never speak poorly of my sons father in front of him. That's not to say I won't talk shit about him to someone else LOL! He is pretty much a waste of space - but I'll let my son decide that for himself when he gets older.

Kimberly - posted on 10/26/2010

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Just read this:



"Do not let your child be a witness to your anger at his or her other parent. Belittling your child's mother or father is a form of child abuse that can affect your child's self esteem permanently. Your child is half of the other parent. If you criticize your ex, your child will feel ashamed of half of him or herself. You WILL hurt your child if you habitually yell at your ex, trash talk about them, if you are self righteous in explaining how wrong their point of view is or if you try to evade the legal custody arrangement."



http://www.angriesout.com/kids4.htm

Sal - posted on 10/26/2010

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no, it is hard enough for kids living without dads/mums without the bitching but that being said for many years i said nothing bad about my sons dad and wouldn't let anyone else either, if my son asked i made a simple answer, no bitching or placing blame on him, it all came to a head when my son started thinking if his dad did nothing wrong then i must be bad for leaving him.......fast forward to councelling and i had to tell him, not all the gorry details but just that his dad was very unhappy living in aus....and even his little boy and wife wasn't enough to make him stay here, and i couldn't move os with him as we fought all the time, and i was scared too go with him, as a mum i had to do the right thing for my son. and that was keeping him safe, looked after and loved, and i done that here with the help of my family and friends, but never put his dad down or was nasty for the sake of it....i had my son, there was no need to put that on him...

[deleted account]

I don't do it, no matter how mad or upset I am with Chad. Chad is a part of Roxanne and he's not a horrible person. To insult Chad would be insulting and upsetting to Roxanne, therefore I wouldn't dare. I love my baby too much.



No, my mother has never really put down my father. They're still together after almost 40 years. As an adult my mother talks to me and sometimes she'll bitch about my dad but it's not often and she never calls him names - more so just describes whatever behaviour he has done that's upset her.



I don't think there should be exceptions and if you're going to talk about a child's father in a negative way to explain that they're not a nice person, or they're in jail because they were bad etc., it needs to be handled properly. No name calling or trash talking - it can NEVER be beneficial to a child to here anyone trashing either of their parents.

[deleted account]

There is a difference between bashing and telling the truth. I mean my BIL is a criminal plain and simple and the kids know that. I am not going into details about the what, where and when but they know he's made bad, illegal choices. If it were one of their parents they would be told the same thing. He made bad choices, he is in jail for this exact reason. End of story.

Krista - posted on 10/26/2010

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Sharon, I think in most cases, most of us aren't thinking of the extreme stuff like battery or murder. We're talking about mundane shit where the couple has split and they just don't like each other anymore.

Sharon - posted on 10/26/2010

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I won't lie to my kids. Not about anyone. If that includes their father - so be it.

I would/do keep things age related. IF their father were a murderer or rapist, they need to know. Not when they're 3 yrs old of course, but they need the truth eventually.

If their father was a woman hating wife beater - do you think they need that as a role model?

You people crack me up.

Krista - posted on 10/26/2010

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I do not think that split parents should slam each other in front of their kids. It's too hard on the kid -- they love both of their parents, and so why make them feel like they have to choose sides?

My parents were very good about this when I was younger. Now that I'm an adult, however, my mom seems to feel that the barriers are down and she has no problems slamming my dad. I had to forcefully tell her to stop. He's not a perfect dad by any stretch of the imagination, but he does love me -- I was never in doubt of that. And it's not enjoyable to sit there and hear my mom trashing him.

So no, you should never talk shit about your kids' father in front of them or within earshot, no matter HOW old your kids are.

Meghan - posted on 10/26/2010

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I don't talk badly about my ex in front of my son. I slam him when he isn't around- but never when he is around. It is detrimental to children and I think it will make your kid dislike you. I am pretty sure my ex talks poorly about me when J is around...mainly because I get the most random nasty text msg's when he has him and there have been a few times he has met with his lawyer while having a visit. So he can dig his own grave and I will take the high road and let my kid figure it out for himself.

[deleted account]

That is called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and it is actually illegal in most US states...

Saying that, it is VERY hard to prove in court. Our daughter's bio mom has done this multiple times (and I even heard it on the phone - she told a Starbucks worker that she never has our daughter because "her father stole her from me" - UGH!!! But I digress...). But can I prove anything? Nope. It's all our word vs. hers (and our daughter isn't old enough to talk to the judge yet) and it sucks.

My hubby and I NEVER talk bad about our dauhter's bio mom in front of our daughter and when we have to bring something up, we use a different name so our daughter doesn't know who we're talking about.

Desiree - posted on 10/26/2010

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There is never an exception and that is both ways. I hated it from my parents and wouldn't put my children through it either. If you don't have anything nice to say, Then don't say it in front of the kids Ever! and that about anyone.

Kimberly - posted on 10/26/2010

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My sister and I recently had a discussion about our biological father and how the older he gets the classier he gets. We actually enjoy spending time with him now. Growing up and still to this day, my mother will make an unnecessary comment about him. My sister is 3.5 years younger than myself and I know for a fact that she does not remember the things that went on or the relationship between my parents. Everything she knows about my father during that time was hearsay, from my mother bashing him. Granted, the guy was a piece of work but it was not my mother's place to instill that in us. It's just wrong. My sister's reflection on what she remembered compared to what she "imagined" she remembered were quite different.



I do not speak to my ex but my relationship with my step daughters is VERY close. Even when they are full tilt and have had it with him. I always try to sneak in a, "You know how much he loves you."

[deleted account]

Absolutely NOT ok. I do feel it is important to always tell the truth, but there is a way to tell the truth w/out slamming the man.... or just remain silent. :)

[deleted account]

My mom did, my dad did too. there are no exceptions acceptable to me. We NEVER speak negatively of my step-son's mother in front of them or to them. We get the boys to create their opinions on their own. She is their mother and that will never change. I believe kids should learn to think for themselves not being told what to think. This includes what they think of their parents/family members or anybody else for that matter.

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