Do you think your children 'owe' you?

Donna - posted on 06/10/2011

no i dont think they do. except for when we are old and incapable of caring for ourselves

OhJessie - posted on 06/10/2011

Oh, ok, thanks Theresa. I'm glad that her sister takes care of the business aspect and didn't leave your mom holding the ball there. Anything she does is out of the goodness of her heart, then, and out of whatever love she bears her mom. I couldn't explain her motivations, unless she knows that her mom loved her regardless of her behavior, or she doesn't want to think otherwise. It's not easy by any means to think that your mom didn't love you very much, and for some of us really realizing that takes many years. Sometimes you cling to one small memory that makes you feel love, because the desire to love your mother IS so strong in us. And sometimes for our own health and for our own children's sake we have to make a very hard break. It's not an easy call in either direction.

Amanda - posted on 06/09/2011

I do agree the parents in this scenario shouldn't expect/demand to be cared for by their children, however there are cases where yes parents should be cared for at least in part by their kids. Example a parent who is sick from something not of their doing like cancer. I do believe even a 16 year old should chip in and help a cancer stricken parent as opposed to allowing strangers to be there to provide all the care for their parent.

Amanda - posted on 06/09/2011

I would like to think I am raising my son in such a way that he will want to help me, his father, or grandparents if something were to happen to us and he was capable of helping. That being said, at this point, none of his parents/grandparents suffer from any type of addictions. That is a totally different situation. To be fair though, nobody really OWES anybody else anything!

Jane - posted on 06/09/2011

@Kellie - You might want to refer your cousin to Alateen or Alanon ( http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/... ). These are groups for the children, friends and families of alcoholics. The meetings help them cope as well as realize that their parent's alcoholism is not their fault and not their responsibility. From what I understand it is very helpful.

Heather - posted on 06/09/2011

You know I raised and am still raising my kids to be productive, hopefully moral citizens. I raise the with as much love as is humanly possible. But in saying that I know that there are alot of kids and adults out there that weren't and aren't being raised this way. Kids do suffer from the circumstances from which they are being raised. I used to smoke pot and it definitely affected my oldest 2. But with that I have been clean for at least 10yrs and my youngest 2 and now my eldest are great kids. I have not raised them to feel like they owe me. Why would you? If something is not given freely and without expectations it will not be real. And I have gone thru the last 2yrs having some sort of health problems or another. My kids have stepped up, under their own volition to help or just be there, unselfishly.I grew up with both of my parents, but it was a dysfunctional home. A lot of anger and bad feelings. but as I grew older I realized my parents ARE people, not just my parents. They/ we make good and bad decisions and do hurtful things. And we need to step back and see what their life was, ie: things they experienced growing up and even what went on in their marriage or adult life that we were to young to understand. I did know that regardless of what was happening my mom loved me unconditionally. And now we are extremely close...and in time she will come live with us. Because I/we want her to, not out of any ffalse sense of obligation.

Hayley - posted on 06/09/2011

children should not be looking after parents with an alcohol or drug problem! They don't deserve to suffer for their parents bad decisions in life..... that's why the parent is a parent funnily enough to parent their children.
Then on the other end of the scale you have parents who are through no fault of their own ill and rely on their children to care for them. Again I don't think this is right either but I dont blame the parents.
In short i do not feel that a child owes their parent a damn thing. They didn't ask to be born into this world at the end of the day it was a decision made by the parents when they chose to have children or for the accidents chose not to use contraception.

Teresa - posted on 06/08/2011

My grandma lives in a home, actually, cuz my mom couldn't take care of her and work full time... and could no longer trust my grandma at home alone while working.

My mom has a brother that is not involved in the family at all... and a sister that is rather self involved, but the sister is actually the one that manages all of grandma's money..... so, 'technically', my mom doesn't HAVE to do anything. Grandma could live in the home and sister could write the checks. My mom is the one that feels obligated to care for her mom.... which after hearing stories of my mom's childhood makes NO sense to me.

OhJessie - posted on 06/08/2011

Theresa, I'm genuinely curious since I don't know how all that works fully - if there's no one else that can do it for your mom's mom, what would your mom have to actually DO to get out of the responsibility? I'm making two assumptions there - that there is nobody else who can do it (like a brother or sister) and that the grandmother is incapacitated. In that case someone has to do it, so if your mother wanted out, how does that happen?

Teresa - posted on 06/08/2011

My mom spent her childhood afraid that her mom would kill her. Guess who's making sure that loon (my grandma) is being properly cared for now...in her late 80's? Yep. My mom. I think my mom is crazy for it.

Not quite sure how to answer the question for myself and my kids though. In the sense that the OP is talking about... hell no. If I were a crappy, crazy parent then my kids would have no obligation to me whatsoever. I wouldn't call it an obligation as much though. They DO owe me, but it's more like they owe it to themselves to go out and make a decent life for themselves because of me.

Or something like that. I don't know. My thoughts aren't coming out straight right now. My kids and I are a team right now. We ALL owe each other everything because of it. ;)

Sherri - posted on 06/08/2011

At 16yrs old no they don't. However, I would hope that when I am old and frail that yes they would. I do think that children need to help parents later on in life when they need you. That is what families do and what I will do for my parents as well.

Amber - posted on 06/08/2011

(I forget who asked about making decisions at the hospital....can't find it now, too lazy to keep looking...)



I don't owe my dad a thing because he was abusive to me. He has drank himself into multiple diseases now. I am the ONLY one of his five children that has shown up at the hospital when he has been admitted. Speaks loudly of his character, doesn't it?



So, yes...I am the one who will have to make decisions at the hospital for him, because he knows nobody else will even show up.



I personally think that after everything he's done to me in my life, that he owes it to me to have his affairs in order so that I don't have to care for him. Unfortunately for me, he thinks I owe him and doesn't. Plus, saving would mean he can't spend money on alcohol and women. So, I'm saddled with caring for a man who beat me, cursed me, told me he hated me, and tried to kill my family because my mom left him.



I'd say he hasn't earned respect, love or anything else from me. And the only thing I owe him is contempt. He should be grateful that I answer my phone to his doctors at all....but it will be a cold day in hell when he has the decency to say thanks to me. I'm just supposed to do it because he's assigned it to me as my job.



I wish I could be as uncaring as my 4 siblings....it would make my life a hell of a lot easier.

Jane - posted on 06/07/2011

Kids don't "owe" parents anything once they are successful adults in their own right. OTOH, parents don't owe kids anything once they are successful adults in their own right, either.



However, one hopes that one's children will appreciate what their parents have given over the years and will return that with love.



BTW my mother now suffers from dementia, and is incontinent and in a nursing home. I am there every Saturday without fail to hold her hand, watch her sleep, or do whatever she needs. I am also there anytime she needs me.



She is my mother. I will care for her until death just as she cared for me from birth.

OhJessie - posted on 06/07/2011

Looks like a link meant for one of the spanking threads. Probably an accident.

Kate CP - posted on 06/07/2011

Maggie: What does your link have to do with this question?

Maggie - posted on 06/07/2011

If there is a parent that is asking their child to parent them because they can't handle their life, there is help. If anyone knows any child who is responsibile for scraping their child up off of the floor due to their addiction or problems, please call for help. A child has a right to live a life without stress and suffering or pain thinking they are going to die if they are separated from this destructive life. The parent can find help too & they deserve to have a sober relationship with their family, no one is on earth to be clouded by chemical corruption that prevents a family from being together. If you know someone that needs help, I will try to find them help.


Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_does_the_...

Kate CP - posted on 06/07/2011

Hell, yea! My son will owe me BIG TIME when he's a teenager. WEEKS of mowing the lawn. Why?

SIX DAYS OF LABOR. **SIX DAYS**!!!!!

Seriously, though? No, I live for my kids. My kids should live for themselves.

Charlie - posted on 06/07/2011

I don't expect anything from my children but I do have hopes for them , hopes they are good , kind , intelligent , considerate , empathetic people who do good on their own free will not because it is expected .

OhJessie - posted on 06/07/2011

Casey, so it's ok as long as the parents don't "expect" it? I'm just thinking what "expect" means...and the thing is, don't your parents know you well enough to KNOW that you wouldn't hesitate? They don't have to think about expecting it because they're reassured by the knowledge already. Those are the kind of expectations my children and I have developed over the years, mutually - help if and when needed, to our best ability. I do expect it, but that means I have it, and I happen to know that. They know the same thing goes in reverse, too.



Tasha it's one thing to get a little noble and say you just trust that he'll be a good enough person to "help" anyone the same, if it happens to be you, so be it. But really, that isn't how it works. He's not going to open up a home for stray sick elderly people of the town in his spare house or something. He'd probably take care of you, though. Even if all he did was put you in a nursing home and never visit, he'd still be doing things like arranging social security payments or what-have-you for the hospital expense (and if it's one of those Marriott places they cost a fortune!) and he'd handle all your final expenses and arrangements. He'll pretty much have to do those things or sign over medical rights if you were incapacitated. As most of us are at some point. Yes, I believe anyone of sufficient age who has started really realizing their own mortality, would say if they were perfectly honest with themselves, that they did expect it, even if that's just because they know it already.

Casey - posted on 06/07/2011

No I don't believe my children owe me anything I choose to have them not the other way around, it is my job as a parent to care for them until they are able to care for themselves but I absolutely do not expect them to care for me even when I am old and grey it's no their job.
However in saying that if my parents ever needed me then I would be there in a heart beat but i know they would never ever expect me to look after them.
I think you are absolutely right Kellie and I'm glad you left that comment for your 16 year old neice, her mother needs to get her shit together and start being a mother instead of being a drunk.

Tasha - posted on 06/07/2011

I dont believe my child owes me anything, i do believe that treating others with respect and care is something that a good person will do, if my son is a respectful caring person he will help me or anyone else in need. Saying that, staying in a toxic environment and sacrificing your own well being for that of anther is not a productive way of being. I hope if i really need my children they will be there, but i also hope, if i am, say an alcohlic, and a drain on them, they will do what is reasonable to help, but not sacrifice their own life for mine. We do not owe anyone but ourselves to be a great person, that benifits everyone.

Rosie - posted on 06/07/2011

i feel our children do owe us if we have treated them wonderfully and fairly their whole life. ohjessie is right, we're family we just do it.
now, the OP's example was clearly not a case of that. that girl doesn't owe her shit.

OhJessie - posted on 06/07/2011

To the OP; well, my kids are adults but yes, with a caveat - I believe we owe each *other* pretty much the same thing, since we're a family and have seen each other through thick and thin. What we owe each other boils down to love but it's more complex - along the lines of whatever help we can possibly give, whenever the other person really, truly needs it. (Defined on a case by case basis as to what true need consists of.)

For your FB person - well, I understand the woman was drunk and shouldn't have been, but that doesn't mean that there's no reason a 16 year old can't take care of their mother and their mother take care of them, in varying ways. My daughter was only 9 or so when I first got seriously ill, and she certainly took care of me a lot - help dressing, fetching water or whatever, cleaning up (which she got paid fairly for), getting food together if needed. Various things. As she was so responsible and cheerful about it all, I gave her more freedom to enjoy herself. But she learned so much compassion during that time, that is part of her no matter what other moods take her over. There was a bedridden woman on television once asking for a reward for her 20 year old daughter. She said she had always been bedridden for most of the girl's life and her daughter took care of her and stuff since always. They brought the girl out and she was the sweetest, most gentle, precious girl - and they gave her something gorgeous, if only I remembered what lol. I'm just saying it's not wrong for a child to take care of a parent in various ways and at various ages. In this case it just stands out because drinking is a voluntary act and people find it icky.

Kellie - posted on 06/07/2011

There will ALWAYS be selfish people no matter how they are raised Lacey. I mean Serial Killers don't all come from abusive/broken homes do they? I don't believe there's a one size fits all, people are people, and make their own choices accordingly.

Where do you think my Nanna's 5 remaining children where when I was looking after her? Nowhere to be seen. Where do you think they we're when it came time to strip her house? You've got it they we're right there, collecting huge piles of her stuff for themselves. Makes me sick. Now I KNOW she didn't deserve that.

Stifler's - posted on 06/07/2011

I'm not sure. I think I'd look after my parents if they were sick and old. But not because we have to, because they've been good to me my whole life. If they had treated me badly I'd probably not feel like I owed them anything.

Charlie - posted on 06/07/2011

Ah yeah and in those cases where the parent was loving and caring and the child still has no desire to want to give back then I feel it is wrong I personally do not know how a person could do that but it is their choice , sad for them really to miss those last days .

Lacye - posted on 06/07/2011

I hate to say it but some people, even if they treated their kids like gold, still don't have anything to do with their parents.

I had just started dating my husband when we found out his father had lung cancer. My husband lived with his father at the time and I lived with them. I got pregnant not too long after my husband and I started dating. Now I said that because during the time after we found out his father had cancer, I was the one that took care of my husband's father. My husband did help me. But my husband's 2 siblings did nothing. They made empty promises to come and see him and then never called to even check up on him. They didn't even start coming around until it was too late and my husband's father was in the hospital dying. After that, my husband's sister took over. She said it was her job to take care of his funeral, my husband and I weren't married at the time so I couldn't do anything. Now I was pregnant during this whole time. I was 5 or 6 months pregnant and I would get up in the morning to help my FIL to the toilet. I would help him stand when he had to pee. He had fallen down some stairs when my husband was at work and I helped him up. I cooked for him, I washed his clothes, I took him to all of his doctor's visits, chemo, radiation. Everything. And I had a job. Sometimes the parents that are really great, do end up with crappy kids who don't care. Or at least they wait until the last minute to pretend to care.

I know not everybody is like this, but it has always been in the back of my mind about how he was treated. My FIL was a good man. He worked 2 jobs, if his kids needed something he would go without food just so they could have it. If his older son was in jail, which happened a lot because he was an alcoholic, Jack would go and bail him out. It's things like that that make me believe that if the parent is a good parent, then the kids owe that parent when they get older and can't take care of themselves.

Kellie - posted on 06/07/2011

I've been thinking about this some more, and I just can't put into words the difference between doing something for someone, caring for them, providing for them, being there for them, taking care of them when they are unable to do it for themselves and whatever else you can come up with because we LOVE them, because we RESPECT them, because we WANT to and because we CHOOSE to and doing all of that for them because someone thinks they are OWED something or because they simply DEMAND it without giving or providing a nurturing, loving, SAFE environment in which to grow.

You reap what you sow, I'd much rather a Daughter who is and does all of those things because I've provided that for her in the first place, rather than a Daughter who feels she HAS to do it because I've demanded it or told her I'm owed it without first providing her with all the things I've listed above. Take all that away and how can you expect or demand respect/love/to be taken care of? IMO you (general you) can't and IMO you (general you) don't deserve it as you've done NOTHING to warrant it.

IMO

Kellie - posted on 06/07/2011

Before my Nanna died she had a fall, it caused a bleed on the brain which had a stroke like effect, when she came out of hospital I stayed at her place to take care of her until she was able to be on her own again. Then she had a TIA, once again when she came out of hospital I stayed with her until she was able to be on her own again. I stayed with her because I loved her and respected her NOT because she or I felt it was OWED to her. All of these things are EARNT NOT owed.

And again Melissa, I don't see her status as disrespectful I see it as truth, HER truth, what SHE lives with everyday.

Lacey, that's not done because we owe anyone anything, it's done out of love and respect because that is what people who are raised with love and respect do, not because we owe it.

Charlie - posted on 06/07/2011

Is there anyone saying that a loving , present parent shouldnt have respect and love in return ?

Lacye - posted on 06/07/2011

Loureen I do agree with you. If a parent doesn't act like a parent, then the child owes them nothing. I'm talking about a child who's parent has taken care of them and loved them like a parent should.

Charlie - posted on 06/07/2011

When my father was on his death bed last Christmas both my sister and i stayed in the hospital night and day looking after him , feeding him , taking him to the toilet , talking to him doing everything we could humanly do possible because we we RESPECT him , we love him .......he wasn't owed it but he fucking earned it , the most amazing father anyone could have had who took his responsibilities seriously when he had children , he loved us , nurtured us , taught us and cared for us we grew up with a man who did everything a parent SHOULD do when they take on a child and in return we did it for him because we respect and love him because he modelled that behaviour for us to learn from.

Any child who is brought up with as much love and dedication would do the same out of respect and love for their parent , we give back in return what they put in .

Should a father who did nothing , who took no responsilities or worse was detrimental like the mother in the OP be "owed" respect ?

You say a person should have have respect because they raised you but really this isnt the point , the point is some parents do not raise their children unfourtunately some are raised by their siblings or worse by themselves of course a parent who raised you is deserving of the same care in return.

Melissa - posted on 06/07/2011

I don't believe children "owe" their parents, but I do feel that if you're able to help a family member, it shouldn't matter if it's your parent or not. As a human being, I think it should be expected that you do what you can to help another. Personally I feel that your cousin was very rude and out of line to say what she said, especially on facebook. I understand her mother may have issues, and it may be to the point where people are just sick of it, but she's still her mother and she should still be respectful enough not to blast her business to the whole world. I don't think a child should have to parent a parent, but I do think that they should offer a helping hand if and when it's needed, and if they're able to.

Medic - posted on 06/07/2011

My mom and step dad have someone named to make those decisions....Do I know who it is...nope I really don't care. I took care of my grandparents and that was out of love.

Lacye - posted on 06/07/2011

to the ones that say you don't owe your parents anything:

What do you think is going to happen when your parents get older and they end up with Alzheimer's or Dementia? Who do you think the doctors are going to turn to to make the decisions about what to do with your parents. It's going to come down to the child. In my opinion, children do owe their parents something. simply because they had us. They raised us. They took care of us and feed us. Are you saying you don't feel like you owe them anything for that care that they gave to you? No they might not have been the best parents in the world but at least you had parents. Some people don't even get that.

Medic - posted on 06/07/2011

I do not think that our children owe us anything. I also do not feel that I owe my parents anything. My mother on the other hand thinks I do but I have told her many times that she CHOSE to adopt me I did not CHOOSE her. I do not feel it is my place to take care of my parents nor do I have any intentions of doing so. I for one respect my dad too much to do so but we will work it out when we get to that point. My mom on the other hand....well she claims to have it figured out because I have every intention of sending her to the worst home I can find and the farthest one away from me. My kids respect me because I respect them I do not DEMAND it of them. I am not a dictator that is a little ridiculous.

JuLeah - posted on 06/07/2011

This child doesn't need to look after this adult. Owe? Respect, human kindness .....
This kid needs help, not a mother who is a drunk

Christina - posted on 06/07/2011

My children owe me their LIVES! LOL, J/K. I demand my children respect me, and obey me. However, I respect my children in return. It is my job to take care of them, and it is their job to listen to me. They are young, and I am trying to raise them to be good members of society. When they are teenagers, they will have the choice; either live here and obey the rules or you can move out. I won't live in a house where my children walk all over me, but I will not let anyone walk all over my children either.

They ARE NOT expected to take care of me. When I had knee surgery and was laid up for two months and couldn't do anything, the only thing my kids did to take care of me was maybe get me a drink, or help me carry plates of food to the table. They were not expected to wait on me or help me to the bathroom.

September - posted on 06/07/2011

At that age no. However when I'm 90 and pissing all over myself because I'm old I would hope my children would take care of me.

Kellie - posted on 06/07/2011

meh I can't spell anyway, so it dosen't bother me.

Kellie - posted on 06/07/2011

Ebby I am calm LOL I just don't don't post quick enough and you guys we're 2 ahead of me at all times! haha I know we do I can tell!

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/07/2011

Btw way I'm on my iPad so my words are cling out funny and off, I know it looks like I can't spell...please don't hold it against me. I broke my wireless antenna so my mouse and keypad don't work for my computer...so gotta use this

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/07/2011

Dang calm down, I just said you don't have to, seriously. I place no judgement on you about how you feel.
It took me a while to get to where I am with how I feel bout them. I use to hate them for why they put us thru, for what my sisters and I lacked, and missed out on. You and I have more in common then we both realize

Kellie - posted on 06/07/2011

Ebby: you're parents were you're motivation to ba a better parent, funnily enough mine were too. They were a FANTASTIC example of what NOT to do! But does that mean I have to respect them? does that mean I owe them anything? fuck NO I don't!

Elfrieda: Yes we do disagree and that's ok. I walk to a different beat, and I disagree with what you wrote there too. I can't explain right now as it's 2am and my brain is dying! will try to tomorrow (or today tecnically).

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/07/2011

Thanks, yes I am doing it. They were first hand motivation NOT To be that way.
I could have grown up just like em, but luckily I did not.

Elfrieda - posted on 06/07/2011

Ebby, I want to say that you can do it! My mom had terrible parents. They loved her in their way, but their way was not the way she needed. She wanted to do better, and really did! She was a good mom.
She overcame a lot of learned behaviour to raise me and my sister with more kindness than she was shown, and if I do even better than she did, and my children do better than I do, I really have a lot of hope and optimism for the future!

Just keep thinking things through, and don't do things just because that's the way you learned them. I'm sure you're a great mom!

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/07/2011

Yeah that's fine that you won't ever respect them, I did not live your life and I don't know you so I will not judge you outlook on life and your parents

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/07/2011

LoL, it's alright really, you don't know me :-))
Smiling over hear...

Elfrieda - posted on 06/07/2011

I guess we'll just have to disagree, then.

I see a people not as independent, but as part of a network of other people. We need to help each other. We, yes I'll say it, OWE it to each other to take care of the weaker members, just as (hopefully) we were taken care of when we were weak. Family is necessary. If your biological family is terrible, you need to find a different "family". We need other people, and other people need us.

Kellie - posted on 06/07/2011

If you respect you're parents Ebby that's great for you truly, I however do not respect mine and never will, and that's ok too.