Don't Know What To Think Anymore

Shelley - posted on 05/16/2011

I was in an abusive relationship for ten years - we moved in together when I was 18. There are a few things I learned that I have subsequently found out every abusive person has these same traits;
- there is always an excuse for their behavior; if he wasnt making an excuse (or reasonable explanation rather in his mind) then I was. And I also said that he was so nice for so long before! I thought he was a really nice guy, and I must stress him out somehow for him to act this way.

You know what, I could ramble for ages - it is glaringly obvious that every person that has responded sees that you are in an abusive relationship - and therefore your kids are too!!! - and that you have to do something drastic. Realise that he might be in a bad space and need therapy blah blah blah - but the bottom line is it is not your responsibility to stick with him and have him hurt you and your kids (emotionally and mentally, then eventually it may turn physical, but the emotional damage is more scarring from my experience). You need to choose to have a better environment for you and your kids. If he chooses to seek help and much later to try start again, then you can then choose whether you would want that - though I am sure once you are out, and you realise just how bad the effects are from this abuse, and you realise that you can stand on your own and be fine, even good, you won't want him back.

Ok, so first step is for you to realise that you are in an abusive relationship, and that you are not at fault in any way, but you are responsible for your and your kids well-being. This link is very helpful - it is a list of questions for you to ask yourself to see whether you are with an abusive partner, and it will be very enlightening (I am sure).

Good luck, and always put your kids first! And to do that you have to know that you need to be treated well too for their and your sake. http://psychcentral.com/library/domestic...

Veronica - posted on 05/14/2011

I dont want to start something that may not be - but is he leading a secret life of some sort? a possible affair?? i was in a relationship - it was great, then he just started to become a huge ass towards me, bitching that i was always nagging him, and just plain mean and ugly --- only to find out he was banging someone on the side --- so, he was treating me accordingly because of his own guilt/lies, etc.
This might not be the case, but i just wonder - if he was good before, and now horrible - it begs the question of what is going on with him now.
BUT, abusers can start out nice and the best person, and then they slowly start to change, restrict things, get harsher, and before you know it, you seem trapped within his grasps.
I would analyze the relationship and figure out what is worthy - get help/counseling together, and get your own counseling as well, for your own peice of mind.
I wish you the best - V

Nikki - posted on 05/13/2011

Get out Angie!!! You and your kids deserve better and deserve to be happy.

Jakki - posted on 05/13/2011

Yeah I was about to say that Keli. Sounds like something is going on.

If it was me, I'd suggest to him that we go for counselling together and see what comes out.

Keli - posted on 05/12/2011

do you think he could be guilty of something....to have a sudden edgy attitude.

Bonnie - posted on 05/12/2011

If he hasn't always been like this, maybe he is going through something and needs to talk with someone professionally.

Angie - posted on 05/12/2011

Thank you everyone for all the support!!!!!

America3437 - posted on 05/12/2011

You are your kids only defense and would not allow anyone else to treat them that way so why should it be okay for dad to do it?!!!! Leave his sorry ass behind cause you are obviously doing it alone anyway!!!!!! Stand up for your kids if not yourself.

Amber - posted on 05/12/2011

Remove yourself and your child from the situation. Even if he was amazing for 10 years, he's NOT now. Once you are out of the situation, you can try to fix things if you choose. It cannot happen while you're under the same roof taking his abuse.

My mother took it for 17 years, 13 of them I was alive. It is a vicious cycle that only gets worse. She waited so long to leave, that he tried to kill us when she did. That's right US, my brother and I included. Police where able to give us a two hour window to pack as much as we could and get the hell out.

Don't ever question your safety or sanity. This is a situation where you should act first and ask questions later. Any man who treats you like this is not good for you and he is not good for your children.

And remember, you are both her parents. Who she becomes is a product of you both. Also, just because HE says what she is doing is wrong/stupid doesn't mean it IS. My dad used to say we were bad for things all the time, but in reality we were just kids. Let your kids be kids, and let them do it in a safe environment while you sort the rest out.

Jen - posted on 05/12/2011

He is in the wrong but you have to ask yourself why you're continuing to put up with it. He sounds an awful lot like my ex husband. I now have a cat with a permanently damaged hip because of it. He never struck me but he hit my son when I wasn't around. He did all the name calling, etc. I let it go on for almost 5 years. Don't wait for that last credible threat on your life. Don't wait 30 years like my mother did. You know the solution and it's going to be very hard but lean on friends and family when you can for support and make a new life.

Also if you can't leave now, start documenting *EVERYTHING*. If he calls you a name, shoot yourself an email to your work address with it and the date time. Dont' miss any of them. Whenever I miss my ex, I go through that folder of emails and realize again, just how bad it was and I coudln't see it for such a long time.

Ellyn - posted on 05/12/2011

Make arrangements for someplace to go. You need to remove your daughter from that kind of situation, let alone yourself. Try counseling when you're not living with him, but the fact that he never took care of your daughter even when she was an infant seems like may be a lost cause. I think the most important thing right now, tho, is to get out.

Angie - posted on 05/12/2011

Everytime I stand up for her he ripes into me saying that she's my problem, that I'm the one who raised her wrong. I've known my husband since we where kids.. He was always kind, and a good friend ( brother's best friend ) we've been together for 10 years, and married almost one. I have never known him with a mean bone in his body.. His parents are amazing. I just can't understand why he's ending up like an @$$. I'm at the point where I'm emotionaly drained..

Erin - posted on 05/11/2011

I agree with Ashley. It seems to be past the point of couples counselling. The fact this man is targeting his own daughter is a serious red flag. Get out. For your sake, and the sake of those kids.

Tah - posted on 05/11/2011

So basically you and your children are being emotionally and verbally abused. Children learn how to be treated and how to treat people by watching us, if this continues can you be surprised when she meets and marries someone who calls her names and in front of people.....uuugghhh...pisses me off just to read it. Now I am a firm believer in people do what you allow them to do,. Do not stand for this treatment, as soon as he says something out of the way to you, call him on it, if he called my daughter those names, it would be his last, I think therapy for you and the children is mandatory, couples therapy if you want, I know I wouldn't, but I'm not you, and and some immediate choices on your end, do I love myself and children enough to change our situation. Do not continue to allow him to abuse you and your children because that's what he is doing, no sugarcoating that.

JuLeah - posted on 05/11/2011

People living with domestic violence often think they are in the wrong, but really, they just need to leave.

Ashley=) - posted on 05/11/2011

I feel its gone on to long.If you don't step in now my friend, you may just live with it.Either you want a change or you do not.I am sorry to be blunt but you have a choice about what sort of life you want to live, what sort of life your kids should live.What is your choice?imho...to me it sounds like this is not working, its not going to change anytime soon.Unless you step up as a mother, your children do not deserve this.:-( you do not deserve this.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/11/2011

He is not setting a good example for how men should treat women, and fathers should treat their kids. They are going to learn that this is acceptable behavior, and it most definately is not. You simply saying to him "please do not talk to me or the kids in that way any more" (of course saying it very strong) may help for short periods, and show the kids that it is not ok.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/11/2011

WOWZA! Talk about emotional abuse. This is something that needs to be addressed immediately. From what you said about your first born, this has been going on for some time. Do you still want to make this work? Are you ready for a separation? This is not only effecting you, but also your children. Have you tried counseling?

Ashley=) - posted on 05/11/2011

Hes bullying you and your children.You need to step in and stand up for yourself.If not for yourself your children.Its not acceptable.Hes got issues and he needs to cop on to himself.If you allow this to continue, your daughter will be upset with you in a sense.Your there to protect her.Don't let her think "why is mommy letting this happen".Stand up for her as a mom.Don't let her think this crap is okay.I wish you the best.Be strong.Don't think you deserve this at all, because you do not nor is this your fault.I know a family, the dad is a bully, the kids are upset more with mom for staying and allowing this to happen.Instead of finding the strength to leave or have him leave.

Kelly - posted on 05/11/2011

NO! I draw the line when the so called 'man' of the house is picking fights with you, calling you and your children names. You may be psychologically able to handle the names..but I know from experience what this does to a childs psyche. If you have any sense of self worth, self respect and desire for your child to be emotionally stable you will make immediate plans to do without such a person before your children are unable to rebound from this emotional abuse and you suffer from anything further. If you can't do it for yourself... think about what this behavior is showing to your children? Do you want them to think that this is acceptable..because inevitably they will if it continues.

Emma - posted on 05/11/2011

I wonder id people realize that words are more hurtful than anything, the scars cannot be seen and last a life time. I'm a single of 5 wonderful, grown kids. And for a father to say such hurtful, cruel words towards you and the daughter is a form of verbal & emotional abuse. I don't know if this helps you out at all. Take care of yourself and be safe, In Spirit and Friendship Always, *M*

Amber - posted on 05/11/2011

As a child of a man like this, I can tell you how traumatizing and long lasting this is. I am 24 and still have issues with the way my father treated me (he hit too). Although, he only did it when mom was at work because she'd have left him on the spot. She finally left when I was 13.

He did get angry with her and say mean things, but she thought he was good to us and stayed so we would have a father. I wish she wouldn't have stayed...and she regrets it to this day.

After a bad car accident I started receiving therapy and got through quite a bit of the angry and fear, but it took a while.

Hearing that you're stupid, hated, and worthless on a regular basis kills your self esteem. It also gives you a bad illusion of how love/marriage/commitment should be, which could lead her to a bad relationship in the future.

You don't deserve this. Your children don't deserve this. And you can be happy on your own. It may be difficult, but you are worth the happiness it will bring you.
You'll never realize the amount of stress and constriction you live under, until you walk away and don't have to anymore. You gain much more than you lose when you walk away from an abuser.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

September - posted on 05/11/2011

Personally I would not stay with a person that has no respect for me or our children. Have you talked to him about how he makes you feel? I think that should be the first step. If he does not change I would leave him. You sound like a wonderful Mom that deserves to be loved and treated with respect. Hang in there Momma ♥

Jenni - posted on 05/11/2011

I second Veronica.

I would not be putting up with that crap. Not just because it is emotionally damaging to myself but it is emotionally damaging to the kids as well.

This part stands out to me the most in your post "Am I in the wrong here?" No. You are not. No one has the right to treat you like that. Call you names or your children names. If you are questioning whether or not you deserve to be treated that way. I would say it's a resounding "NO!" The fact that your even asking causes me to think that this is a clear case of emotional abuse. He is causing you to feel that this is normal and therefore you should accept it.

From your post it sounds like you husband is very controlling and with most people who are controlling they suffer from low self-esteem and depression. They need to make others feel lower than them and demolish their self-esteem in order to feel like they themselves are 'normal'.

The *only* way to change things would be if he is willing to seek professional help. You cannot change him alone. He has to recognize that he has a problem and be willing to seek help. I would give him an altimadum... either get help or I'm walking. Have your bags packed ready to leave so he understands you are not just making idle threats. It's completely up to you though. No one here can make that decision for you. I'm just telling you what I would do in your situation.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Mechelle - posted on 05/11/2011

Sorry to hear your troubles. A lot of men don't help much with the kids, but I would be drawing the line at him yelling at the kids and you. There is absolutely no excuse to yell at children and call them names. I would make him sit down and talk to you after the kids go to bed and find out what is going on, and if he doesn't straighten, leave. In my opinion, yelling and name calling towards children is the start of emotional abuse, and will only give them problems as they grow up. Be the Mom, stand up and say something. Don't let your kids go through that.

Nikkole - posted on 05/11/2011

I would tell him that you need him to change and if he won't id leave you and your kids should NOT be treated that way you all deserve better!

Veronica - posted on 05/11/2011

Stand on your own two feet and tell him right out that it is not ok for him to treat you this way - if he isnt happy - you are packing and leaving.

DO NOT let yourself go, and lose yourself because this man wants to be a nasty asshole -- if he cant respect and love you as his wife, a person, and a mother - he doesnt deserve you at all. I would kick his ass to the curb - no regrets --- there ARE better men in this world.

Take care - if you'd like to chat some time, find me on FB
Veronica